-Pretty heavily inspired by PG Wodehouse, one of my (if not my) favorite comedy novelist.-

It was barely dawn—that is, eight in the morning–- when Dick awoke, and upon realizing it was a Saturday, he consumed half a bag of chips on the nightstand and went back to sleep.

He didn't get to finish his forty winks though, as not five minutes later his cellphone erupted in song like a black bird-- if blackbirds were the ones he was thinking about. Who on earth was awake at eight on a Saturday?

"Hullo?" He said, not a little sternly.

"Robin? meet me now."

Dick was not soothed by Artemis' gall. "What are you calling for calling at this time."

"It's only eight."

"Past the mark, for us nocturnals!"

"Oh, is it?" She asked. "Oh well, meet me at the corner store now!"

By the time Dick had dressed and dragged himself to the opposite side of the city, the archer was pacing in circles like she had a train to catch.

"What's all this about, then?" He ordered, not disguising his icy tone.

"Robin, we're dating."

"Oh. Alrighty." He said, though you could knock him down with a rubber band. "Come again?"

"Well, we're not really dating, we just have to pretend for the uncle"

"Come now, Arty--" The bird staggered, an ill look stealing over. "I mean to say, really! I mean!"

"Robin, I'm still on thin ice because Roy's dangling that footage from the party over me like an axe! I can't afford to let him get more over me, and he's suspicious of my disinterest in men already!"

Dick recalled the crisis quite clearly; Artemis, assuming mutually assured rule breakage, had thrown a small party while their guardian off world. Roy, however, had decided to break his streak by obeying the rules for one night only, and used her delinquency to practically enslave her through blackmail.

"That may be, but my guardian has made it clear in no uncertain terms, that if I even lock hands with another gender, I'm set for an indefinite grounding-- with iron bars!"

"Robin!" She said in a haughty, injured tone. "I'm in love."

"With whom?"

"Zatanna."

"Ah. Good Girl, Zatanna! Cream of the crop, I must say!" He offered a celebratory smack on the shoulder. "But I really can't risk having my neck snapped in my own hours."

"Your guardian doesn't have to know!" She pleaded. "We'll let Ollie walk in on us being all lovey dovey, and then we can whip out the fake tears and beg that he doesn't tear us apart by telling your mentor."

"What do you mean, we?"

"Please, Robin?"

And just like that, it was done. Dick was many things, but able to stand his ground he was not. If he hadn't been escorted by his best friend, and two older teens of superhuman strength, the team would not have been formed. Well, if he hadn't been escorted by his best friend and two older teens of superhuman strength, it would have been less of a team and more of a solo act, but the point stands; he was weak as water on the social front.

Artemis seemed to pity him, and politely changed the topic to school and the wrongdoings of their theatre department as they took towards the nearest zetabeam.

"I asked the old Unc' to meet me here, I hope you don't mind." She said offhandedly. "Something about arrow refills—we must be certain he catches us in the act of swapping saliva.

Their scheming was interrupted by a quiet, polite cough. "Kaldur," the bird acknowledged. "You're up early, aren't you?"

"I've been up since six, thank you." He said politely. "You seem agitated, is everything alright?"

"Kaldur," the young master gaped. "You must have read my mind! how did you know something was up?" 

"I couldn't help but to overhear your discussion."

"Ah." Dick and his companion rattled off an explanation of some sort. "So, what of it, Kal?"

Kaldur thought it over, chewing on the idea like a wise cow, wide, wet eyes and all. Finally, he gave the verdict. "I should advise against it, friends. One might get the wrong impression."

"Kaldur, you're an ass." Artemis said firmly. "Not just an ass, but an ass in need a better love life."

"Thank you for your feedback." He said, and helped himself to some electrolyte tablets, keeping that aloof, disapproving look in his eye.

Dick pointedly ignored this. "So, shall we...?"

"Rehearse?"

"Exactly." He agreed. "I suppose I'll come in from the side, and you stick out your cheek and we'll sort of... meet in the middle."

"Have a mint."

"Gracias." They each took a minute to stretch and warm up, before leaning in to give it a shot.

Just as Dick's lips were approaching his friend's face, he felt a whirr in the air and a bright light. "That's him! Now!" Artemis hissed and the two gave it all their gusto and went in for the smack.

It was a good long second before Artemis let out a sharp noise, and Dick unlatched himself. He turned to face the beam, preparing his looks of horror and teary begs for secrecy. However, the second he laid eyes upon their intruder, Dick fell at a loss. Where Artemis' uncle should have been, instead was Zatanna.

Dumbstruck, Dick stared her down. The girl let out a sort of gurgle, blanched, and eloped back out the zetabeam.

After such a shock that morning, Dick rather struggled getting started. He undertook breakfast with an offput illness, and was barely warming up to the idea of homework.

Wolf made a beeline through the room, disregarding him, and started prodding Conner-- who had gone about his day as if there wasn't mortifying relationship drama intruding his household-- in the back of the ribs with his nose. Conner, who  gave his ear a scratch and Wolf, deciding that this was the one to stick to, leaned against the clone with all his weight, prodding eagerly for more attention. 

"Looks like someone's hungry." Dick muttered. 

"No he's not." Conner warned. "He's eaten a half a lamb already since waking up. He eats off the table too."

Dick wasn't surprised; the dog was tall enough to eat off the top of the fridge! Conner, under the strain of 458 lbs of dog, took a step back and let the beast slide onto the floor, where he spread his limbs out so as to cool his belly, panting contentedly. Clone sat down besides and latched back onto the dog for affection.

 Dick was just wondering if joining the other runts would improve his mood at all when there was a spark of freckles, and Wally sat at his elbow.

"Rob!"

"Wally! Haha, what!" He said, relieved to see a friendly face; as of now.

"I don't know what's happened!"  Wally babbled. "She's been on my heels all morning! barged into my room at ten!"

"Slow down, man! Start at the beginning." Dick prayed, having exercised enough brain power already today. "Who's been on your heels?"

"Zatanna!" He scoffed. "The blasted girl has been leaping at me with bulging eyes all day! I can't think what's gotten into her, she's never acted this way before: she preferred to lick the kitchen floor then to kiss me when we were spinning the bottle, and suddenly she can't get enough of me-- what's that look for?" Wallace asked, reaching out to touch his paled face.

"Zatanna's trying to kiss you?"

"Yes!"

"Wolf, stop that! You're going to puke." Conner said, trying to tug something out of the dog's mouth.

Dick sunk horizontally in his chair, and only after his friend brought several pick-me-ups was he in any condition to think. "Wallace, we can not go around being kissed by every girl who smacks her eyes on us."

"What?" 

"Oh, talk to Artemis about it."  He grumbled. "She can explain all."

"About me being kissed?" Dick nodded feverishly, and sunk to the floor as Wally gave the girl a call, demanding he have an audience with her this instant. The girl slunk in, dejectedly. "What's all this then? I've had Zatanna trying to bite my chin off all day!"

The girl let out a wail of sorts, earning complaints from both Wolf and Clone, and began to explain her scheme. "How was I to know it would be her walking in? Oh! She'll never love me now, and to think I let that damn Robin kiss me all for nothing!" She wiped her cheek, revolted. Dick gave an indignant noise, but as he was nearly on the floor, he went unacknowledged. 

"Well think of how I felt having a girl sprung on me at the crack of dawn!"

"Well you have to redirect her! I won't have her wasting herself on you!" 

"We'll take it to Kaldur."

"We can't take it to Kaldur!" She cried, grabbing about the shoulders. "He said the scheme was doomed and he's right! I couldn't face him!"

"Calm down!" Wally ordered, grabbing her back around the face.

And they were in that state of mutual restraint when the zetabeam whirred and in stepped Red Arrow.

Dick was glad he was hidden on the floor and didn't have to watch the excruciating interaction. the room was silent except for their guest's pocket admitting a couple chimes. 

"Roy--" His pseudo-sister croaked, a spittle-like growling in her throat. 

"What?" Wally asked, goggling somewhat before the understanding reached him. "Uh no, look! It's not like that!"

"I'd offer you these arrows I was sent to deliver, but you don't seem to need any more!" He scorned. "You know what Oliver would say if he's caught you two in this!?"

"Roy, you can't tell him!" Artemis cried. "Things are all wrong! I wouldn't kiss him if you payed me!"

"Nor would I!" Roy agreed, his phone gave another quick few dings and he started lazily checking notifications. "Our guardian may be all for young love, but he's not the sort of boy anyone would want to see their ward locking arms with!"

"Oy!" Wally said, incensed, but the eldest boy continued. 

"Drop it! Drop it!" Conner shouted, shoving his hand in the quadruped's mouth.

"You'll have to offer something really strong if you want to keep this one under the radar. Hello, Kaldur."

"Good afternoon."

"But Red!" Wallace called, but the man had left, leaving only a quiet resentment in his place.

Artemis threw herself into a chair, face in hands. "What do we do?" She moaned.

Dick thought this was the finish! Artemis and exerted herself with the wrong boy and before the wrong arrow, and not to mention that Dick had worked up all that energy to kiss her!

Kaldur softly cleared his throat, gaining their attention. Dick sat up to look at the older boy.  "Have you had a thought, Kaldur?"

"Well, I was just considering that we don't know why the kiss between Artemis and Robin upset the girl."

"Well, she better not be in love with him!" Artemis sniffed. "If she's in love with either of these chumps, I'll throw myself into the ocean and drown!"

"I was merely thinking," Kaldur said in an airy sort of way, as if not to drive home the fact he'd told them so. "That if Robin were to explain to young Zatanna that the affection she'd witnessed was not that of romance, but of familial love..."

Well, the girl swallowed that all too eagerly. "Brotherly love?" She asked.

"The very thing."

"And you're certain there's nothing more to it?"

"Not one thing." Dick assured. "I couldn't date that girl if you payed me. no sir! she is a wonderful person, but not the stuff for the boy wonder."

"Oh, well that's great!" The girl's face lit up, and she took a long sip of the frozen lemonade he'd bought  her. "Not that I wasn't happy for you, I just--"

"No need to explain further." Dick cut her off. "I understand fully."

"Robin, you're so understanding."

"Much obliged."

Her eyes lit up like sparklers. "So you are willing to date me!" 

"Eh?" Dick choked of his seltzer. "Come again?"

"You came out and invited me for drinks all to explain that you aren't involved with Artemis, and that I'm the one you want."

"Oh, did I?" Dick coughed. "But I thought you were trying to pull in Wally?"

"Only because I saw you and Artemis."

Dick felt his head starting to spin and excused himself.  

"Well, Kaldur?"

"Yes?"

"Your little brotherly love gambit has landed me in it!"

"Yes?"

"Don't go about saying yes all the time!" Dick scolded. "expunge the word yes from your mind!"

"Indeed, I'll see to that right away." Kaldur said seriously. "Now could you tell me what happened?"

"Well it turns out Zatanna was so upset about our kiss because she wanted me!"

"She wanted you?"

"I was just as surprised!" Dick agreed, because even though  he had a decent face and a posterior that many in his class had commented on, he was aware that he was lacking in the brain department; not the sort for someone who spent all day memorizing backwards phrases. "If Artemis finds out she'll drive a spike through my head!"

"That does sound inconvenient."

"Kaldur. Boil your head."

"As you wish."