White light glowed from lanterns hanging from the trees as the Khwae Yai River flowed in front of Mitch, Tom, and Shawn. The clatter of glasses and utensils echoed along with instrumental music and conversations in Thai, English, French, and Mandarin. Tom, who'd surprisingly taken Mitch up on his offer to hang out, sipped on his fourth beer, which loosened him up a little compared to during dinner.

"Feeling any better, Tom?" Mitch leaned in to ask over the music.

"A little. I don't always eat cheeseburgers in Thailand, but when I do, it's because the woman who meant to become my girlfriend dumped me during the trip I planned to ask her."

Shawn laughed. "Nicely put, man. Seriously though, her timing is messed up."

"The entire relationship was doomed from the start."

Mitch sipped on his Coke. "Why do you say that? You two seemed happy."

Tom let out a dry laugh. "You're kidding." Mitch just blinked, unsure of what was so funny. "Never mind."

Shawn raised an eyebrow at Mitch as if he were trying to prove a point. His suspicion was unfounded because if Tom knew about Maria's crush on Mitch, he'd punch Mitch in the face. Unless Tom saved that for dessert tonight. The guy didn't mince words, but he also seemed like the grudge and long-game type.

Shawn lifted his glass. "Here's to break ups. May each one be easier and kinder to us than the previous."

"And may it be the last one," Tom added.

If he was open to dating Prae, that might be a possibility. That woman wouldn't dream of breaking up with him without a valid reason. Not that Maria's actions weren't valid, but Mitch just didn't believe that Shawn's assumptions were correct. From everything he and Prae had heard, Maria and Tom's relationship was solid.

After they clinked glasses, Mitch let the bubbles of the sparkling water dance on his tongue. "At least you come out of this an optimist."

"I don't plan on asking out another woman unless I'm absolutely sure about her." Tom took a swig of lager. "Doesn't Maria realize her indecision hurts people?"

Mitch looked at Shawn, as he wasn't the best person to field this discussion.

"I don't imagine she did it to hurt you. It says more about her than it does about you," Shawn said.

That was a subtle jab if Mitch ever heard one, but he deserved it.

Tom scoffed. "That's a load of crap. She constantly compared me to another man, and I lost despite how terribly he treated her."

Mitch clenched his fists. "Her piece-of-shit ex isn't back, is he?"

Tom shook his head. "It's easier to pretend someone else is the villain, isn't it?"

Mitch furrowed his brow. If Tom was implying Maria still had feelings for Mitch, she'd had countless opportunities to voice them but had avoided him. "What are you talking about?"

"You slept with her!" Tom bellowed.

"What the hell, Mitch?"

"Hold up." Was that why Maria broke up with him because he'd thrown around unjust accusations? "I never did that."

"She told me, and you're lying to my face. You're unbelievable," Tom muttered the last part.

"What did she tell you?" It must have been a misinterpretation because Mitch hadn't done what Tom was insinuating unless dreams counted.

"You asked her to sleep at your place because you acted sad and claimed you didn't want to be alone. Our relationship isn't a game for you to win." Tom glared and sipped his beer as if his anger needed any more fuel.

"That's all, one friend helping another. Nothing happened between us. I made sure of that."

"Is that why you said to be vulnerable with her? Guilt or just testing some sick theory about women in relationships?"

"No, I thought it would make you two closer."

"Women don't love that unless the guy looks like you."

Clearly, Tom had insecurity issues, but it wasn't the moment to address those. Mitch focused on his intentions. "I needed a friend like you need Prae."

"What could you need support with, that one time someone rejected you?"

Mitch considered lying, but he didn't have the energy for it. Plus, after the damage he'd caused, he owed Tom the truth.

"My sister," Mitch muttered, staring at his nail beds. The temperature seemed to drop by ten degrees. "I talked to her about my sister."

Shawn's face softened, and he squeezed Mitch's shoulder.

Tom looked between the guys, and his pointed brow relaxed. "Is she okay?"

Images of her frail, lifeless body in the casket at the viewing filled Mitch's mind. No expression on her face or gut laugh, no cheesy pun about how dead this place was, and no I-missed-you embrace like he would have received if he'd arrived before she passed.

His nose stung like he had to sneeze. "No, she's dead."

Mitch's chest was heavy, and lights flickered in the corner of his vision. He needed to leave. Muffled voices intertwined with the music and the flowing river. He bolted from the table, nearly taking out a server. His feet kept moving until he found the streets and a quiet bench near the water to catch his breath.

Sometime later—the distinction between a minute and an hour eluded him—a person dropped onto the bench beside him. "You alright?" Shawn's deep voice asked.

"You called it. I broke them up." Mitch exhaled until no air remained in his lungs, only taking in a new breath when it hurt. "My fucked-up coping skills ruined their shot at happiness."

"They only broke up because she has feelings for you. It's good you want to talk about Emily with someone. If Maria's the person you choose to trust, don't let Tom's ranting discourage you. So many things have pissed him off since he moved here."

"If I dealt with this shit alone... everyone would be better off."

"Sometimes, you can't. You might not remember, but during your first year in Thailand, I was in therapy. With the anniversary coming up, it might help if you try it."

"You haven't done what I have." Mitch pulled at the hairs until his scalp burned. "Fuck! I'm a monster."

Shawn stared at the river without saying a word, probably trying to determine how to reassure a sociopath. "I wanted to take this to my grave, but if it gets you to accept help..." He sighed. "I hurt Em, our Em."

Mitch laughed. Shawn had hurt no one the way Mitch had. "By what, keeping your feelings for her a secret?"

"We slept together during sophomore year of college, not like you and Maria, which was still crossing a line, but actually had sex."

The blood drained from Mitch's face. "What? How?"

Shawn was lying. Emily would have said something.

He rolled his shoulders. "You and Lis had gone to a music festival for the weekend, and Em showed up at our apartment. She was upset and running from Ricky."

Mitch's skin grew colder. She'd stayed with that douchebag for an entire year, even though he was an addict and an abuser. His presence started her journeys in and out of rehab.

"She trusted me, and I wanted to keep her close and fight off anyone that threatened her safety. It was a weekend where every moment was a window into our future." Shawn smiled wistfully.

Waking up next to Maria came to Mitch's mind, her arms wrapped around him, silky dark hair splayed across the pillow and across his chest.

"But Viv thought it was the perfect weekend to surprise me."

Shawn never had explained that break-up, even though his and Viv's relationship seemed great.

He smoothed his fingers over his brow and stared at the ground. "She found us together, and it hit me, and Em and Viv. I was a cheating asshole."

Mitch's breaths grew heavier. The devastation that would have rocked Emily to her core filled him. She'd been in love with Shawn since junior high.

"I wanted to apologize to Viv and break up with her properly, so the promises I'd make to Em would be real. When I asked Em to wait in the other room, she ran and sped away so fast down the interstate I couldn't catch her by the time I'd ended things with Viv." Shawn's voice grew fainter.

Em had gotten more distant with Mitch too around that time. She'd called less and had kept more secrets from him.

"I drove for hours to reach our town, but she wasn't at your parents' place or any of the spots she'd usually escape to. She was with the man she'd just run from, the one who'd threatened and given her the bruises that plagued me all weekend. I should have rushed in there and told her why I wanted her to wait, but seeing them together, that I'd hurt her so badly that that abusive prick was a better choice than me... I couldn't forgive myself for pushing her to that, so drove back to Illinois without saying another word." Shawn cradled his head in his hands, shaking it.

All that time, Shawn could have swooped in and avoided that awful chapter in her life. If he'd said something, Em would have been so different. The three of them would have been closer. Mitch clenched his fist, but the devastated look on his friend's face made his hand muscles soften.

"Maybe that was why I was hell-bent on Thailand, on giving Em her dream or what I assumed it was. The bigger you fuck-up, the harder you struggle to make up for it."

"Or you shrink away like a coward," Mitch muttered.

In three years, he hadn't breathed a word to his ex-fiancé, Lisa, hadn't looked her up on social media, and had done nothing but shove her memory into a dark corner to live guilt free after ending their future. He'd promised her the world for four years during college, their love not wavering for a second until Em's death. But the man he was had died when Em took her final breath. Or perhaps he'd only ever been an illusion.

"I did that too." The street lights reflected in Shawn's dark eyes. "I'm sorry I hurt her and for all her pain that followed, and that I never had the guts to tell you."

"I would have fought for you and Em if I knew. Just after I kicked your ass."

Shawn sighed. "I should have told you."

"That's why you flew to see her when she got sick." The doctors were still optimistic, and Em seemed in good spirits through video chats, but Shawn had insisted on going.

Shawn nodded. "We were never meant to work out, but at least we both knew it was mutual. Closure was a gift, even if it didn't seem like it then. I wish you had gotten yours."

"I didn't deserve mine. It's my fault I wasn't there. My shitty decisions."

"You can get closure with your parents, with Lisa."

"The greatest gift is to stay thousands of miles away to avoid ruining their lives again."

"They miss you, your parents."

Mitch doubted that. His father's words that God had taken the wrong child held so much truth. Mitch's actions after her death only proved what a waste of a human being he was. Emily's life would add much more value to the world compared to his. He caused more pain than good. Prae, Tom, Maria, Becca, Lisa, surely others, but worst of all, Em, the person he'd vowed to protect at all costs.

What kind of brother let his sister leave this world without saying goodbye? His chest stung. Getting air into his lung grew more laborious. The river flowed by, distorting the city and moonlight into messy lines.

***

Thanks for reading! I should be back to regular updates with this story now that NaNoWriMo is finished. We'll keep diving into Mitch's past and what's been holding him back most of the book.