Rialoves2cook: I'm going to be raw with you guys for a minute. Dating is harder than I thought it would be. Ghosts of my ex keep popping up when I least expect it, but I'm ultra grateful Tom gives me the support and space to deal with it (and yes, he's the cute redhead that's been scouting out the amazing restaurants in most of my recent posts). I hope for my lovely single followers that there are plenty of people like him for you.

#wishIcoulderasemypast #forevergratefulforthepresent

Posted: January 22nd, 9:15 PM

CamillaTomas: So happy for you, iha! Be safe and take your time.

YourOnlySunshine: Ria, we gotta chat when Tom's not whisking you away on these adorable dates. I want to hear all about them <3.

TomDemchuk: #forevergratefulforyouRia <3

***

It had only taken one silly word to undermine the confidence Maria had in her relationship with Tom. One word which probably meant nothing to the man who uttered it but made her heart leap in ways Tom never had.

I love this new Maria.

She listened for the word in every conversation to see how frequently it appeared. It had to be often, but it wasn't. Mitch couldn't stand the idea of a relationship, so it was beyond irrational to believe that word meant more than it did. But recognition had flickered in his eyes like he'd let those words slip without meaning to and regretted it. What else wasn't he saying and why?

You're over-analyzing again. He warned you not to do that. You'll only get hurt. He's always been honest about what he wants, and it's not a relationship with you.

She tried to focus on Tom, who was talking about his class project related to structures and balance or something she'd zoned out of, and she hated herself for it. He'd mentioned his ex had never understood his passion for work, and here she was thinking about a man she wasn't dating instead of paying attention to the one she was.

"And Prae said that Aom's older brother, who's a structural engineer for the new high-rise condos downtown, would talk to the kids."

"That sounds awesome," Maria threw some enthusiasm into her words.

Tom stared at the jar of fish sauce on the restaurant table. "Sorry, I've bored you to tears."

"No, I'm just... no, it's not you."

He reached out and laced his fingers through hers. "What's wrong?"

With his full attention on her, she felt guilty she couldn't do the same and worse that affection for another man had caused her distraction. She wanted to be honest, but she couldn't risk losing Tom. He was a good guy, and she needed to give this a shot without sabotaging it.

"I'm processing a lot of feelings."

He stroked her hand. "Negative ones?"

"A mix, I guess." It wasn't an outright lie since guilt and shame were present.

"What you went through with your ex was difficult. It'll take time to get over."

She looked into his compassionate eyes. Since they'd started dating, he finally saw her and what she needed after months of him coming on way too strong. It made her loathe herself that much more for being unable to shake Mitch's words.

"Thanks, Tom."

"I have a hard time with trust and jealousy because my ex cheated. I worry someone will swoop in and sweep you off your feet when I think things are going amazing, which they are."

The guilt sword drove deeper into her gut. She needed to tell him about Mitch, but he spoke before she could.

"I'm trying not to project that to you. Your ex did that so often that you're probably just starting not to question most of your interactions with other men."

Perhaps he was right, and she was reading too much into the situation with Mitch. They were friends, and beyond teasing her about Tom, Mitch had mostly stopped flirting with her. He kept telling her Tom was good for her. Although he'd said he loved the new Maria, it was likely the way a friend would love another's haircut or witty sense of humour. He'd brought up the relationship seconds after.

Adrian's constant questioning and comments about her extra hours at work with her boss, who was a family friend and a brother to her more than anything, had left her second-guessing her choices as romantic. It was okay to be confused about her feelings after dating someone for a couple of weeks. In the same way Tom respected her insecurities, she'd respect his by not feeding into his jealousy.

"I tend to over-analyze my actions and those of others," Maria said.

"Try to just live and not worry about it."

"I wish I could. I compare everything to how things were with my ex and it's exhausting."

Tom squeezed her hand again. "I understand the feeling, and it's awful. If it's too similar I get worried."

"And if it's too different, I do too. My ex's love was so toxic but all-consuming and obvious, but it's the only thing I know. What if it keeps me from knowing what healthy love is like and I mistake it for something else?" She longed to fall for Tom, but she wasn't always as drawn to him as she was to Adrian or Mitch. Was that a good or bad sign? Both of those men had hurt her.

"You don't have to fall in love after dating for two weeks. I like you and hope you feel the same, but I'm not expecting more."

Maria buried her head in her hands. Mitch's words had rattled her. "Here I am blabbering on about love, and I'm probably making you want to run."

Tom put his hand over hers. "You avoided sharing details of your past for so long that I'm not surprised it would come out like this. It's reassuring you care enough to discuss this. You're letting me see the real you."

She gave him a thin smile. She wasn't closed off, but she talked about it more with Mitch. Perhaps it was a good sign she wanted to open up to Tom. "Does it freak you out?"

He shook his head. "It means you're trusting me more, and if you're searching for precursors to healthy love, trust is important."

Years of Adrian's accusation flew at her at once.

"Don't lie to me!"

"I saw you flirting with him."

"You wouldn't act this way if you really loved me."

They continued until she was shaking and curled into a ball in the chair, tears streaming from her eyes. She'd scarcely had a week during their relationship when he wouldn't go after her character. He had trust issues, but sitting here with Tom while contemplating her feelings for Mitch made her wonder if she was part of the problem.

"Maria, Maria," Tom whispered. "Are you okay?"

She sniffled, but no words left her mouth.

"We don't have to discuss this. If dating is too intense, we can slow down, and wait until you're ready."

Maria stared into his hazel eyes, each breath growing slower and easier. He was a wonderful person who cared about her. She liked him more every day, and the past weeks had distracted her from moping about Mitch. If she gave this up, she might feel as miserable as she did around Christmas. She couldn't risk a genuine relationship over words a man who feared commitment had said and hadn't meant.

"I want to date you, but I'm terrible at it."

Tom stroked her hand. "Terrible is the last thing you are. You're funny and sweet, and beautiful."

"And a train wreck?"

"You've been hurt. Even if the relationship ends and you date someone new, it won't erase those memories or pain."

He had to be speaking from experience too, which meant what his ex had done still haunted him. Hadn't those jerks taken up enough of their energy? Maria exhaled and pushed Adrian from her mind. His influence wouldn't ruin another moment. If she wanted to enjoy a new relationship, she would, guilt-free.

"Hey, Tom." She chewed her lip. "I like you."

A grin lit up his face, making his copper freckles and cheek dimples more pronounced. "I like you too."

As warmth spread in her chest, she leaned in and pressed her lips to his. Their kisses smoothed down the wrinkles in her spirit and melted her unease. As she pulled away, he wrapped his arms around her in a hug. After closing her eyes to be engulfed in his affection, she opened them to find Mitch stopped further down the street and staring at them. He looked to be in physical pain for a second until he caught her eye and waved.

She detested herself for wondering if that pain was related to seeing her with another man. Every longing was making her more like her selfish ex. Why couldn't her heart be happy with Tom and leave it at that?