On the beach, Mitch, Hans, and Peter stared at the ocean as the sun tucked itself below the horizon. The waves calmed in its wake. The tropical winter heat had lost its intensity. Mitch tried not to wonder what the sunset was like up North and with whom Maria was spending it. Would she find someone to kiss at midnight, or would that tradition even hold in Prae's family? He sighed and closed his eyes. He shouldn't be thinking about that.

Hans sat beside Mitch on the palm tree whose horizontally growing trunk provided a perfect seat. 

"Is she still stuck in your mind?" He passed Mitch a lit joint.

After a glance down the beach where Shawn took photos for the women they'd dove with a safe distance away, Mitch accepted it. He stared at the glowing ember and tendrils of smoke escaping. Since Christmas, he'd tried to stay sober, and he wasn't looking to get baked, but a few hits would take the edge off. The past few days, his need to check his texts with Maria and her social media feed was bordering on obsession. He inhaled deeply, holding the harsh smoke in his lungs, then passed back the blunt. He exhaled in the other direction, his tension floating away before a cough tickled his throat.

"It'll pass, just not yet."

The corner of Hans' eyes wrinkled as he chuckled. "You make it sound like a kidney stone."

Mitch grimaced. Living with himself after he'd rejected Maria and selfishly slept with a stranger because he didn't have the balls to tell he wanted to date her too had been like a knee to the groin. Her pain and tears...

"What is she like?" Hans asked.

The image of her sauntering around her apartment, laughing as they cooked together, filled his mind. Mitch's lips tugged into a smile. "She's funny, even when she's not trying to be. She has this way of reading people, of seeing what's lurking beneath the surface, and she uses that to help instead of harming them. Compassion pours out of her, so much so she's prone to being hurt or used. She wants to believe in the good in others and their ability to change, but..."

"You're not sure you want to change for her?"

"I know I have to, and I've known that longer than I've known her, but I don't think I can control everything I do. I'm afraid of how that will affect her. It already has."

Hans nodded. "It sounds like you are on the right path especially if you recognize the harm you've caused."

Shawn wandered towards them while the ladies took more photos. He sat beside Mitch and raised an eyebrow at the joint, but didn't comment.

"You've shed your groupies," Mitch commented.

"Came to see what trouble you're getting into," Shawn said.

Hans laughed and said, "Oh the worst kind, the kind from which you don't recover." He waved Peter over and patted the log next to him.

"What kind of trouble is that?" Shawn's forehead wrinkled.

Hans smiled and slung an arm around Peter's shoulder. "Love."

Mitch's shoulders slumped, and his eyes burned either from exhaustion or the days of diving in saltwater. He couldn't be in love, could he? Sure, he cared about Maria as a friend and found her attractive in many ways, but he wouldn't fall for someone for whom he was so terribly suited.

He'd fallen in love before, but not like this. It was that all-consuming, reciprocated kind that swept away any worries about finals, losing basketball scholarships, or even what Em was suffering through long before her illness. Mitch sighed. If he could take back the last one, he would. With Lisa, he'd transitioned from fearing they might ruin the relationship by saying or doing the wrong thing to worrying an external factor, like sickness or a tragic accident, would take her away as it was the only thing that would tear them apart. Until Mitch had doused his loving relationship in gasoline and lit a match.

He gripped the palm tree trunk tighter until his palms stung.

He'd loved Lisa until that love cost him his final moments with Emily. In high school, he'd told his girlfriend he'd loved her too, though it probably hadn't been the case. He'd never fallen for anyone in Thailand and not after trying to, but not sleeping with them and turning it into an all-out mess. He was still in the stage where either he or Maria could and had wrecked their relationship. While he didn't know if it was love, it was the closest thing in three years, and it ached to consider they could lose it for good.

"Is he talking about Maria?" When Mitch nodded, Shawn asked, "Do you love her?"

"I-I don't know." Mitch hung his head.

Shawn patted Mitch on the back. "You'll get through this."

Discomfort spread throughout Mitch's chest like an oil spill in the ocean. "Does it ever stop?"

Shawn shrugged. "It's always there. You might have strong feelings for someone else if it doesn't work out with her, but unless there's a breaking point... well, you know how that went for me."

Mitch nodded. His breaking point with Lisa had severed his feelings clean off, but Shawn never held that kind of animosity toward Emily. "You still think about her lots?"

Staring off into the fading pinks and oranges of the sunset, Shawn nodded. His brow furrowed and his lips remained straight.

"She's everywhere even if she's gone." Shawn's voice trembled on the last word. He cleared his throat. "I can't decide if it's worse to go home to Nebraska or stay here."

"What if you moved somewhere else, somewhere not connected to her?" Mitch asked.

"I don't think I'm ready for that."

Mitch nodded, watching Shawn's hands quiver as they travelled to rest on the tree. Shawn dedicated his life to being the responsible team leader, the put-together friend, the guy who kept up with Mitch's reckless partying, who'd saved his ass more times than he could remember. Mitch hadn't stopped to consider Shawn hadn't moved on from his first love, and the loss was just as if not more devastating for Shawn than it had been for himself.

"I'm sorry for being a shitty, selfish friend," Mitch said. "I should have been there for you even if it was easier to forget our past."

Shawn studied Mitch before saying, "Thanks. Making sure you didn't crash and burn has been a good distraction."

"I'm going to try." Mitch took the joint back from Hans, who was having his own conversation with Peter. "Try to talk about her more."

"Emily?"

Mitch winced, her pale, artificially tranquil face flooding his mind. Years of memories and he fixated on a corpse. He took a long drag on the joint.

"It's so fucking unfair," Mitch muttered.

"Life's never been fair. It's experience, good, bad, and almost unbearable. You keep fighting, strengthening yourself to take on what's next."

Mitch stared at his toes, unsure how many more unbearable moments his mind and body could survive. He took another hit. When he tried to pass the weed over, Shawn refused it.

"I try to imagine she's with us when we're visiting new places, when we're out having a good time," Shawn said.

"When you're flirting with gorgeous women?"

Shawn crossed his arms. "You're going to judge me for that?"

Mitch dug his toes into the cool sand, recalling the moment he reached Maria on the beach, the fading apprehension in her eyes as he drew closer. "I'm jealous you can find an escape that way."

Shawn's deep laugh resonated. "Maria has really unravelled you. Who would have thought?"

The waves retreated into the ocean an inch at a time, leaving wet sand glistening in the rising moon's light. "It was so much easier before."

"Easier, but emptier. You've been chasing simple highs since we got here, but I know you better than that. It's not who you are."

"It's who I want to be."

"So you'd be fine if Maria found herself a boyfriend, one who made her happy and wasn't you."

Mitch's nails dug into his hairy legs, but he relaxed his hands as soon as he noticed. "If it makes her happy..."

Shawn raised an eyebrow but turned to the colourful ocean. "Will you at least agree to slow down on the hard drugs?"

Mitch nodded.

"When did you start that?" Shawn asked.

"It's just been a few times recently." The day their close friend Daniel flew back to Canada, the evening he rejected Maria, and Christmas.

"I'm worried about you."

With a smile, Mitch clapped his hand on his friend's shoulder. "I'll be fine. I've got you. We're talking, right? Working through our shit."

Shawn looked into Mitch's eyes and exhaled a deep breath as Mitch returned his hand to his leg. "It's a start as long as you keep at it. Have you talked to Maria about what happened to Em?"

Mitch swallowed a big lump in his throat and shook his head. "Not about... the end... Just about her as a person."

"That's big. Does Maria ask or do you tell her?"

"It just sort of comes out. E-E-Em is in so many memories. It makes no sense if I leave her out." Mitch picked at the skin around his thumbnail.

"So you're comfortable around Maria? Comfortable enough to talk about Em?"

Mitch nodded.

"And you can't hook up with other girls without thinking about her?"

Another nod.

"Then take a chance and tell her how much she means to you."

"What if I hurt her?"

"Your fear and hesitation are hurting her. If you want to be with her, tell her, and you'll navigate it together. You're already taking steps to be more honest with her."

Mitch bowed his head and released a slow, trapped breath. Her sobs still lingered when he sat alone at night. He had no desire to subject her to the months of agony he'd put Lisa through. The calls, the texts, the attempts to get to him through his parents or Shawn... Mitch had fended it all off with icy silence until she gave up.

"Trust me, as someone who waited believing he had a lifetime for things to come together if they were meant to, and selfishly avoided making the hard decisions until the end." Shawn ran a hand through his thick hair. "Tell her so you won't berate yourself for not seizing every missed opportunity. If you want to see her happy, be the reason she smiles. If she doesn't want that, she'll tell you."

That last line cut deep. "If she knew what happened with Lisa..."

"That was shitty, but those circumstances won't repeat themselves."

Shawn was right. He had no other siblings to lose. A weight settled on Mitch's chest. Em had been his other half for twenty-three years. When they were close, they sensed what the other was thinking or needing--until he moved away and their connection suffered. His punishment for abandoning her.

"Have you spoken to Lisa since..."

Mitch shook his head. That part of his life was over. Best to leave it buried.

"If you're worried about it, tell Maria what happened. Admit it's what's been keeping you from acting on your feelings. Then you'll see if she wants to take that risk. At least you'd know for sure."

Mitch tapped his fingers on his leg. As much as he didn't want to reopen that wound, trying to ignore everything he'd done was driving him close to spiralling out of control again. Talking with Shawn was helping, despite how hard it was for him. His sister didn't belong in a dirty box buried six feet under; she deserved to be free, free to live in his stories and memories, free to be shared with the people he cared about and who cared about her.

But what he'd done to Lisa... It would spook and flabbergast any person with a half-decent heart. He'd never wanted to destroy someone like that again. No one deserved that. Casual relationships with no feelings beyond lust kept him and the women safe.

"Your parents told me Lisa met someone and got married. She's moved on."

Mitch's stomach clenched as the cool air tickled his skin. A dozen questions danced in his head: Had his own actions caused any lasting damage? Was the new guy a decent man or just anyone to fill the void? Were they happy? Did she love him?

He hoped she was happy. She deserved that at the very least.

"Good for her."

"Becca said you apologized too."

Mitch sighed, that scared look in Maria's eyes flashing in his mind. "That was Maria's doing."

"Becca didn't mention her."

"Maria was upset about the cruel things I said and called me on them."

"But you apologized on your own, right?" After Mitch nodded, Shawn said, "You can't only take credit for your shitty actions. There are plenty of good contributions too. "

Maria's Christmas card came to mind, but she'd written that before he'd hurt her.

She accepted your apology.

"At least consider telling Maria how you feel. I've heard from more than one person that you mean a lot to her, and I think she's good for you."

Maria had never been shy to share she wanted him but in a serious, lasting way. Maybe she didn't just want the relationship but him as a whole person. He tried to ignore the voice whispering she didn't know his real self. She saw more than he intended to show, and perhaps she wouldn't run if he revealed the rest.

"I will."

"Really?"

Mitch nodded, his gaze drifting to the sky where stars twinkled through the darkening royal blue. Maria had been ready to kiss him back in the hallway despite what he'd done and said. She'd agreed to meet with him on the anniversary of Em's death. If she could forgive him for hurting and rejecting her, perhaps he could find the strength to fight to make her happy and never repeat his past mistakes again.