Mitch's jitters grew as he shared a cab with Shawn and Emma to Siam Discovery Center. Shawn kept glancing at Mitch then Emma, who was squeezed between them.

Her gaze rested on Mitch as well, a scowl resting on her lips. "What's going on between you and Maria?"

Mitch resisted the urge to groan. He'd not ridden with Maria to avoid this topic. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Really?" She crossed her arms over her chest, brushing his skin. "For weeks, she won't stop singing your praises, and suddenly you two are hardly speaking or at each other's throats. What did you do?"

The city's high-rises and large, overarching SkyTrain tracks rushed by in the window. His mouth grew drier. Why the hell wasn't it kicking in yet? Did he only get one good pill in the batch?

"It happens. Our worlds don't revolve around each other."

"You've caught her every time something goes wrong," Emma said. "Samet meant something to her, and you fought that guy at the club."

Shawn turned to Mitch. "You said nothing happened at the beach."

Mitch shrugged. "You told me to tell you that nothing happened in Samet."

Shawn's eyes narrowed, and he took a deep breath. "For fuck's sake, Mitch! You lied to me over semantics."

"Maria wanted to keep it a secret, so I did," Mitch said. "She made it clear it wouldn't happen again, so I thought we handled it."

"She said that," Emma confirmed, her tone toward Shawn twice as soft as the one she'd used with Mitch.

Shawn muttered, "One thing, I ask you not to do one thing. There are hundreds of thousands of other available women in Bangkok."

"Relax, man, it was a kiss, a hell of a kiss, but nothing more than that, and some dancing, a lot of dancing." A smile grew on Mitch's lips, picturing her in that rainstorm, dress hugging her curves, hair flying around. "Damn, can that woman dance."

Shawn put his hand on the passenger's headrest, flexing the muscles he was probably only showing off for Emma's sake. Mitch knew Shawn mostly talk, though if Mitch had slept with Maria and bailed on her, it might be another story. "If you're lying to me again..."

"He's not," Emma said. "But what the hell happened since then?"

"Ask Maria," Mitch said.

Emma puffed out her chest. "I have, and she won't give me anything specific. Just that you're either being a ghost or a major prick."

"Then you should focus on something else," Mitch said. "Clearly, she is." His leg shook as he wondered again if he took the wrong pill. If he started tripping in public, he could get in a lot of trouble, trouble that could forever remove him from paradise, not that resembled that this week.

Emma sighed. "It's one thing to hook up with people and walk away. I won't hassle you over that, but if you treat her like your girlfriend for weeks then stop for whatever arbitrary reason you've chosen, that's pretty damn cold, even for you."

"I haven't treated her like a girlfriend."

"No?" Emma leaned closer and raised an eyebrow. Mitch pressed his side against the cab door and stared at the colourful signs from the international brands to fight memories of him and Maria. "You don't have cooking date nights or treat her to meals on your little exploring adventures? You don't snuggle up and watch movies together? You don't find any excuse to be close to her or touch her? Girls talk, Mitch, and I know what you've been up to."

Did she still care? She had enough to share this with Emma. But if Maria had hidden the offer she'd made, she must have regretted it.

"I've stopped, apologized, and won't do it again, happy?" he said.

The conversation ended after that. The cab pulled up at the mall which gleamed in the sunlight, and Shawn stepped outside to let Emma out. He asked her to meet the others inside and said he and Mitch would catch up with everyone in a minute. Mitch tensed. Why hadn't had just stayed home with his booze for company?

"Listen, Mitch," Shawn's voice softened, and his face relaxed. "I know I said to stay away from Maria, but if you have genuine feelings for her—"

"She's sweet, and she's hot, but that's it." It was what Shawn needed to hear.

"You're sure?"

"Yeah, she's watching Daniel and Sunshine with little stars in her eyes. She wants that yesterday, and we both know I'm not that guy."

Shawn's brow furrowed. "Did she tell you that?"

Mitch shifted in his seat and looked away, not wanting to relive that night. Her tears were daggers in his heart, and her words had said enough about what she expected from him. "Nah, well, sort of. She's trying to tell me she's down for a purely physical relationship while wiping away her 'where is my perfect man' tears. I get it. I fucked with her head, and I'm done." His chest trembled as he sighed. "I'm sorry, man."

Shawn scratched his forehead. "Even after spending all that time together?"

Mitch chuckled. "What, you think she's changed me?"

Rubbing his hands on his jeans, Shawn met Mitch's gaze. "You're different when she's around, more like you were before..."

"Before Emily..." The moment her name left his lips, his chest tightened and he could see nothing but her corpse lying in the open casket. A morbid part of him had wondered what her face actually looked like in her final moments. The pain and crushing sensation he had experienced minutes before the phone call confirmed her fate were probably only a fraction of what she'd suffered. She would never have been that calm as she died, which meant someone had posed and dressed her like a doll to put her on display. He had wanted to strangle the guy who'd touched her. Everything related to her brought out the worst in him.

Shawn cleared his throat, bringing Mitch back to the present, his fists clenched by his sides.

"It's been almost three years, and this is the first time you've mentioned her since we left home," Shawn said.

That was likely the Molly creeping in, not Maria, but Shawn would tear him a new one if he admitted it.

"So I'm a little different," Mitch said. "So I think about Maria more than I should. I'm supposed to let her shit on her dreams, so I can have someone around to entertain me and make me feel better about myself?"

"That you care about her dreams at all is a good sign."

"I'm not a sociopath, just an asshole. And if she knew everything about my past, she would have run weeks ago."

"I meant that you're showing self-restraint, so she can have what you think she wants. You should try talking to her about Emily. Her reaction might surprise you if that's what you're afraid of."

He flinched like a ton of bricks had collapsed on his chest from a great height. She still talked to him, but if she found out... "Or she'll see me as the piece of trash that everyone else does."

"You can't let one traumatic part of your life define you."

Mitch closed his eyes as a warm wave of pleasure shot through his body. About god-damned time. His fingertips tingled as he ran his hands along his smooth jeans, which felt like warm butter. How had he never noticed? He took in a deep breath, letting the soft particles of air around him caress his skin.

"I know," Mitch said. "You've been trying, trying since I destroyed my life back home and refused to deal with her loss."

Shawn stared at him, using those caring brown eyes to piece together clues about his friend's behaviour like he always did. It wasn't fair Shawn had to play detective, but he excelled at it.

"You're the best, damned friend a person could ask for," Mitch said and reached out to touch Shawn's upper arm, getting lost in the remarkably soft texture of his t-shirt.

"You sure you're okay? Not that I don't appreciate the weirdly timed compliment."

"I know you worry about me. But, I worry about you too, man. You guys had this love, this beautiful, innocent love people immortalize in songs. But you were both so scared of it."

"What are you talking about?"

"You and Em, the real Em, our Em." Her name flowed off his tongue like soft caramel. That would taste incredible in his mouth right now. Could they pick any up on the drive home?

Shawn tensed, and his eyebrows raised. "You knew I liked her?"

Mitch laughed and leaned his head back on the headrest. "Mmm, that's soft." A grin spread over his face. "Why do you think I wanted you to ask her to prom?"

"To make sure no jerk took advantage of her?"

"She walked on a cloud for that entire week after. Giddy as hell." He pictured her now, rocking on her toes in the living room, shooting dozens of questions about dances, dresses, and make-up at their mother, a rare enough moment in their household. He smiled.

"Did you ever tell her how you felt?" Mitch asked.

Shawn stared at the bright yellow flowers hanging from the rear-view mirror, his face muscles sagging. "I had a lot of opportunities, but I waited until the end."

Mitch's eyes went wide as the flowers danced of their own accord, taking the shape of Em's teenaged form. Flower-Em crossed her arms, raised an eyebrow and stuck her petaled tongue out at him.

"It still would have meant the world to her," Mitch said.

"She had Brian."

"And Brian was a great guy, but he wasn't you. He didn't fly halfway around the world to see her, especially when her brother couldn't cross a state line before..." The ecstasy might have gotten rid of the soul-crushing pain, but the words still wouldn't leave his lips. Flower-Em burst into a mess of petals before his eyes and an icy chill clawed at him.

"No one could have predicted how quickly things changed. I thought you two would make it in time," Shawn said.

His usual guilt had side-stepped him today, and Mitch only imagined Em and Shawn, happy and supporting each other.

"But she had you, and that means everything to me." Mitch gave his friend's shoulder a squeeze. "You're a god-damned saint. If it wasn't for you, I'd be six feet under with her. I pity the poor bastards who don't have someone like you in their lives."

Mitch wrapped his arms around Shawn. Another wave of euphoria coursed through his veins. Mitch only wished his friend felt this good right now. Shawn's shoulders tensed.

"Mitch, you haven't..."

"Nah man, everything's been golden since we moved here."

Shawn pulled away and looked Mitch in the eyes. He cursed under his breath and shook his head in what felt like slow motion. His words came out low, "You're high as a fucking kite, aren't you?"

"I got more if you want to join. It's incredible."

"You stupid asshole." Shawn turned to the driver and asked him to return to the apartments. His voice dropped to a tone above a whisper. "You could get arrested, thrown in jail, or deported. They could do the same to me just for being with you."

"They'll never know, and if they understood how transformative this experience is, it would be legal. Everyone deserves to feel this, like Em would have when you flew home for her." Mitch let the air-conditioned breeze blow over his face, but it seemed to heat up as it contacted his skin.

"Don't you dare compare Em's feelings to this!" Shawn said harshly, leaning in closer to Mitch.

Mitch clapped a hand on Shawn's shoulder. "This is a natural state of happiness."

Shawn pulled away. "No, this is you chemically compensating because you've repressed so many emotions that you can't have a one-on-one conversation with your best friend about your sister."

"Hey, when you're sick, you take medicine, and this is mine. I want to have these conversations, but there's so much weighing me down, so many wrong turns, that the effort is crushing. But if I can shove those fears aside, then we can talk, and damn, does it feel good to talk about her."

"You have to deal with those fears, Mitch. Otherwise, they'll consume you."

"Do you remember her laugh, that one that started off sweet but got sinister in the end, till we'd tease her that she was ready to take over a small country? Or the way she commanded an entire room with a look." Em's wide-grinned face flashed in his mind, sparkling blue eyes, dimpled cheeks.

"A bit like Sunshine."

Mitch laughed, remembering how Sun corralled a group of drunks or her students. If Emily had more self-esteem and success after high school, she would have done the same.

"This good for both of us," Mitch said. "You get your best friend back, and I get to process these buried feelings. Maybe one day I won't need this but until then..."

"No, this is it. You're done with that shit."

"I love your confidence in me. You're a great friend, an amazing person, and I want to do everything I can, so you live your best life. You're there for the kids, for us, for me, for Emma, for Maria." Mitch's face got even warmer thinking about her enchanting smile, her lively eyes, the way her laugh and touch encircled him like a sleeping bag cocoon. It would be incredible to have her next to him right now.

"You're the one who has supported Maria the most," Shawn said.

Mitch smiled. "She calls me on my bullshit. I don't think she knows how much I appreciate that."

"You should tell her when you're sober."

"I should. She told me I deserved to be loved." More warmth spread throughout his body like a tropical current. It was such a simple statement, but in this moment, it made perfect sense. He had said it because it was what she wanted. She didn't care if he wanted to be loved; she knew he needed to be, that anyone and everyone needed to be, whether or not they could see it.

Even Shawn was smiling now.

"I kept trying to get close to her, but I could never say what I really wanted. When she finally told me she wanted to hook up, I panicked, told her I wasn't the right guy, that I'd only hurt her. I wasn't wrong."

Shawn sighed. "So that's what happened."

"I don't blame her. I've been leading her on because days are easier with her around. She's a perfect distraction. But we've settled on just being friends, and don't worry, with zero benefits."

Shawn nodded. "The anniversary is coming up. She'd spend it with you if you told her about it."

"Who would you spend it with? Emma?"

Shawn shrugged. "I wouldn't tell her why because she'd probably run, but I might bring her along. You and I could spend it together. I usually video chat with your parents, visit one or two of the places Emily had on her Bangkok bucket list, then watch one of her favourite movies."

"You do that every year?" Mitch spent the past two years at the bar then sprawled across strangers' bodies.

Shawn nodded. He would have made the best-damned brother-in-law. They'd joked it would happen as kids because what was better than having all the people you loved in your life forever?

In these past years, Shawn had become the son that Mitch seldom had the strength to be anymore.

"This is only the third year," Shawn said. "Why don't you, Maria, Emma, and, I hang out? It might be easier, and there's no pressure to tell her. Text Maria now to see if she's free."

A text didn't seem right. He wanted to reach out and touch her silky black hair, her smooth skin, her warm breath on his skin, her soft, full lips on his. "Can we go to her?"

"Absolutely not."

"What about a call? Her voice is so enchanting."

"You think that's a good idea? You're not worried about what you may say in this state?"

"This is pure honesty. My words come from within, deep within, but they aren't lies."

"Will your words freak both of you out? Are they feelings you can follow through with after you come down from this?"

Mitch saw himself, a bird's-eye-view in the office, his desk next to Maria's, her smile, the way she'd lean over to share stories or tease him in the morning when he was still groggy and incoherent. The Mitch in his chair had a more rigid posture, straight-faced, focused on work as he tried to ignore her. Shawn was right; that Mitch had some progress to make.

He opened up his messages and typed one up to Maria. Once he finished, Shawn took the phone and made a few changes.

Mitch: Hey Maria, I miss your beautiful face. You're hella kind and amazing. You free on February 8th? Maybe we can spend the day together, you, me, Shawn and Emma, see the city, watch a movie, just chill. Everything is brighter and better when you're around.

"She'll suspect you're intoxicated, but it's nothing you can't deal with tomorrow," Shawn said.

Maria's icon popped up a few minutes later, one of their photo with her nestled into his shoulder from Wat Arun.

Maria: That's super specific and random, but sure, sounds fun.

An overpowering wave of euphoria flowed through him. Was it from her or the drug? Either way, it would get him through the rest of the lonely holiday.