As Mitch walked away from another tedious day at the school, his phone buzzed in his pocket and continued to ring. When he withdrew the phone and Sunshine's name appeared, he smiled.

"What up, Sun! Good to hear from you."

"It might not be once we're finished this conversation." Her voice had the same sharp tone she used when he and Dan used to get wasted and piss her off.

"Woah, what's up?" He pressed the phone closer to his ear to compensate for the noise of the vehicles driving by.

"What's up? What the hell do you think is up? I'm calling you at 2:30 in the damned morning for a reason, and I hope you're smart enough to own up to if you want me to consider your friend anymore."

Sunshine had a murderous passion for the people she loved and, unfortunately, he knew why she'd contacted him. He'd just snapped at Maria after the Christmas Eve assembly because she was making space between them impossible. It was hard enough to keep it without her devastated face popping up.

"I'm trying to keep my distance and walk away, Sun, I swear I am."

"You yelled at her and crushed her hours ago."

Mitch winced. "Did she tell you that?"

"No, that girl has been so hurt in the past that she retreats into a damned shell unless you force information out of her. I asked Becca to keep an eye on her."

"Becca is biased."

"And Shawn."

Mitch rubbed his forehead, and sweat and grime residue rubbed off on his fingertips. How had he become such a terrible person that his friends were monitoring his behaviour like some delinquent child? "I'm trying to give her space, Sun, but she keeps treating me like I wasn't terrible to her. I want to protect her but I don't know how."

"Be a decent human being and talk to her respectfully like she deserves. If you want space, tell her so she doesn't think she did something wrong. Her ex has her hard-wired to take responsibility for way too much."

His shoes refused to move like they were filled with cement. Had she been blaming herself for what Mitch had done?

"I'm not saying you need to date her, but stop making make her feel worthless," Sunshine said.

"Did she say that?"

"She didn't have to. It was obvious."

Mitch sucked in a hot, humid breath mixed with traffic fumes and fried food from the nearby restaurants. He was as much of a greedy prick as her ex. He could only focus on making his feelings lessen without noticing what it was doing to her.

"I'm sorry, Sun. I wish I knew how to fix this. Maria doesn't deserve this bullshit."

"Apologize to her, not me."

"Yeah, I will." He'd have to find the strength not to cave and fall into her arms, especially with Christmas around the corner. He rarely got through the miserable holiday without company.

"Today?"

"Yeah, I promise."

"I'll hold you to that. How are you doing, other than tormenting my cousin?"

He blocked the word vomit threatening to flow through his teeth. Sun had enough challenges without him moaning about how much dreaded tomorrow or how he was a dumpster fire of a human being. "Fine."

"A real fine or a Mitch fine?"

"I think you can figure that one out."

The line was silent. "We should do a Christmas video call with everyone."

"It'll only upset Maria, and Becca hates me, so you're better off doing it with them instead. Plus, you have your family get-togethers." He kept his voice as steady as it normally was. He didn't deserve her or anyone's sympathy.

"You're family too, just a different kind."

A tickle travelled up his throat and his eyes moistened. "You're cheesy as hell, Sun."

"Dan and I will sneak away to call if we can."

"You don't need to. You'll be stressed enough." Christmas Eve wasn't a Buddhist holiday, so the convenience stores would sell booze at the regular hours, and Mitch planned to stock up tonight so he didn't have to leave his apartment on Christmas or spend it sober.

"If it's not tomorrow, it'll be the day after, promised, and try to apologize to Maria by then."

"Aye, aye, Sunny-D."

"Man, I miss how weird you are."

"I miss your weird face too. It makes me feel better about my own." With her groan, Mitch could practically sense her grabbing a pillow to smack him upside the head. "I am really sorry about Maria. If I knew how to avoid being such a fuck-up, I would. She didn't deserve that, neither did Becca."

"Someday, one of these women will mean something to you, and you'll need to figure it out."

Mitch let out a dry laugh at the irony. "One day."

***

On Christmas Day, Mitch sprawled out on his balcony chair, a bottle of whiskey and a bucket of ice resting on the table beside him. Condensation dripped onto the wooden surface that had seen so much life. His fingers traced his friends' names. Dan would spend the day with Sunshine and her family, likely getting showered in baby gifts from excited relatives. Shawn was video chatting with his mom and sister, who had every right to be proud of their successful son and brother. Mitch took a long drink from his glass, ice cubes tumbling toward his nose.

Through the walls, Maria's video call with her family echoed. They chattered on in excitement and pride about their plans to go to midnight mass and have a huge family gathering tomorrow. Her father weighed in with lectures about staying on track financially as often as he could. Mitch finished his glass and poured himself another. He'd never let his family dictate how to live his life, even if they were still on speaking terms.

As her laugh carried through the wall again, he sighed. At least he'd kept his promise to Sun and apologized last night. After everything he'd done, Maria still wanted to be friends, which he needed more than he realized. It didn't mean things were normal, but it was a slight consolation.

Yesterday at the Christmas Eve dinner, Becca had honed onto Maria and her friends like a mother bear, robbing Mitch of the opportunity to thank her for her card or hang out. The words in her neat, cursive handwriting still lingered.

I don't know where I'd be without you. Probably lost in a market and eating overpriced, mediocre food. Thank you for all the tough-love sessions when I was unbearable about my ex, for pushing me to enjoy Thailand, and for the movie and food nights that make me ultra grateful to have you as my neighbour and friend. Here's to many more adventures discovering Thailand with my favourite tour guide. Merry Christmas, Mitch.

He'd tucked the card away in his nightstand drawer. If he reread it too many times, his mind would get convoluted ideas that would hurt Maria. She'd written it when she still thought he wouldn't hurt and betray her. It was bad enough he'd nearly thrown away his resolve to keep his distance and attempted to kiss her in the middle of his apology about leading her on. She deserved a hell of a lot more than a confused screw-up who hurt people to avoid his pain.

Twenty minutes and two glasses of whiskey later, Mitch spied Maria emerging from her room in a fitted Christmas dress that hugged her ass just right. His body, which had been deprived of her touch since he screwed things up, except for yesterday's hug, was quick to react.

"Isn't it like ten in the morning, Mitch?"

He frowned. When did she become such a judgmental witch? Probably in the week, he'd treated her like trash, and she and Tom grew closer. "We have the day off. I'm not telling you how to celebrate."

She looked at him with down-turned lips, red like the sexy dress. "A few of us are going skating if you want to come."

Today would be crappy enough without the constant reminder he'd messed up their friendship mixed with Becca and Tom's judgemental stares and interference. Plus, with her in that dress and whiskey in his system, he'd fail to keep his distance and break her heart. "I'll pass."

"Are you okay?" Maria's mascara-enhanced brown eyes fixated on him. 

Part of him wondered if she'd gotten dolled up for Tom. His stomach contents shifted uncomfortably. "Never been better."

Maria chewed on her bottom lip and looked at the whiskey bottle. As much as he cherished her attention, he didn't need to give her one more reason to care about him.

"What the hell," Mitch said. "I'll go skating if it'll get you off my case."

"Great, I'll see you there," Maria said with a tentative smile, pulling her sweater closer to her body and turning on her heel to head toward the stairs.

He picked up his liquor and glass, trying to ignore the ache in his muscles. On the way into his apartment, Mitch tripped, sending the glass and bottle flying. The bottle landed with a thud while the drinking glass shattered on impact, sending a wave of shards in all directions. Mitch lay on the floor, admiring the way sunlight reflected through the larger broken pieces. A deep voice he hadn't heard in nearly three years invaded his skull.

Get up, you lying, foul-mouthed piece of shit. You're twenty-three, for Christ's sake, not some teenaged punk!

Mitch could feel the rough hallway carpet of his childhood home under his palms again.

Martin, it's not his fault!

Like hell, it isn't. He reeks like the hotel bar while the rest of us are holding it together. First, he can't show up to say goodbye, and now we have to deal with this bullshit. Of course, he picked today of all days. Can't think of anyone but himself. Makes you wonder if God took the wrong one.

"Mitch?" her sweet voice broke him out of the bitter memory. "Everything alright?"

"All good," he said through ragged breaths. "Just clumsy today."

"Can I help with anything?"

He could treat her like crap, and she still cared if he was okay. She deserved so much better. She'd already been through this kind of bullshit with her ex. Mitch eyed his nightstand, and his heart beat a little faster. There was another way to survive today without being such a bitter asshole.

"Nah, I got it. You go meet up with Tom and everyone. I'll catch up."

When her footsteps echoed in retreat, he stood, opened his nightstand drawer and dug into an old dented tin. He pulled out the little baggie inside, slipped a pill in his mouth, and swallowed it with a swig of water.