When Mitch woke up next to a pair of round, perky breasts too pale to be Maria's, he wanted to vomit. Partly from his pounding head and an uneasy stomach, but mostly because her intuition had been on the money. Hours after he'd broken off his agreement not to see other women, he lay with some hook-up so meaningless he hadn't a clue what her name was. Maria had been right yesterday; he was just a sleazy, selfish dick. At least she could be rid of him for good now, as much as the prospect gave him a full-body ache that rivaled the alcohol's effects.

"Good morning, handsome," the redhead beside him cooed. "Last night was amazing."

He remembered little beyond flashes of skin and moments of ecstasy before his release. He laid his head back on the pillow that reeked of cheap fruity perfume and pretended to be asleep to piece together what had happened.

After Maria had left the apartment, he'd noticed her keys on the bed. He hadn't intended to follow her until her muffled sobs reached his ears. His arms ached to wrap around her, to show her he'd turned her down because wanted more than the hook-up, and the thought of something between them being temporary and meaningless terrified him. His feet carried him to the door. But the same tears that drew him to her stopped him in his tracks. If he could devastate her to this degree when they weren't together, how much would he hurt her once they were? Maria had already suffered enough.

He'd tried to have a purely physical relationship with Becca, and blowing her off had been so difficult that his last attempt had destroyed her. With Maria, their lines had grown so hazy. He jumped at every stupid opportunity to save her from her ex or that dick at the bar. She and Mitch hung out as friends who were undeniably attracted to each other. The last time that happened... He shook his head. He knew how much damage he could do if they started dating. As much as he wanted to explore an actual relationship with her, he didn't trust himself not to screw it up.

Her footsteps took off in frenzy. She must have realized that too.

He texted Emma about the keys and slid them under her door on the way to Shawn's. It killed him knowing Maria was probably there and broken up because of his selfish actions. What the hell had he been thinking, trying to sleep with her? He was a piece of shit.

Leaning against the wall outside Emma's apartment, he sighed. Sobs and sniffles echoed from inside, digging their claws into his heart. All it would take was a knock; a knock, apologies, and explanations, and he could end that pain. They wouldn't be lies. He genuinely had feelings for her and deep down, wanted something to work out between them.

But things never worked in his favour, nor for the people he'd cared about. He closed his eyes, letting Bangkok fade away.

"You fucking asshole!" The clarity of a voice he hadn't heard in years sent his heart racing and his ears ringing. "You seriously think I did this on purpose?"

A dated motel room on the never-ending highway between Illinois and Nebraska materialized before his eyes. "I don't know what to think anymore," he'd snapped.

"I'm sorry about what happened, and I can't imagine what you're feeling right now, but this is not my fault," she continued like she was the victim, like she had taken her last breath without her brother by her side.

"Like hell it wasn't. You could have waited on your own or come with me and rescheduled your appointment for later. You knew she was sick, and you clearly aren't!"

Lisa trembled and crossed her arms over her stomach. "I didn't force you to stay! I just assumed you might care about the woman you're supposed to marry this summer. No one thought it would move that quickly. If I'd known that, we would have come much earlier."

Was she selfish enough to bring up their wedding now? He could hardly fathom how to survive the rest of the day when he finally made it home to face what remained of his family. "You must be happy I stayed, aren't you? You won. Forever."

"Jesus Christ, Mitch. I'm not the villain here. I never—"

"No, you're a self-centered, cold-hearted, manipulative bitch."

Her ragged breaths had hung in the air like exhaust fumes on an icy winter's morning. As her tears fell, his chest filled with satisfaction. It wouldn't bring Emily back, nothing would, but it was the only good feeling he'd had since getting that soul-crushing phone call, so he kept pushing until he shattered their relationship beyond repair. If he had to lose his chance to say goodbye to Emily, Lisa would lose her dream wedding and the life they'd planned together.

It had been a blessing in disguise for her. She wouldn't recognize the man he was today nor would she want him.

Footsteps echoing in the hall had pulled him out of the dingy motel room and left him outside Emma's apartment. He took a few deep breaths. As much as it hurt him to leave Maria, he knew the pain he could inflict and couldn't risk exposing her to that.

"What are you doing here?" Shawn asked, glancing at Emma's door.

"Dropping something off on my way to see you. Wanna go out?"

Shawn chuckled. "Look who's risen from the dead."

"How about a club, without the girls, so there aren't any complications," Mitch said flatly.

Shawn stared at Mitch longer than comfortable. "Everything alright?"

"I need to clear my head and escape this place."

Shawn clapped him on the back with a smile that didn't convince Mitch. "Yeah, man, let's do it."

After shots, drinks, and beers, Mitch must have met Red. The night had gone well enough to wake up naked in her bed. When he peeked around the room, their eyes met. She swept his long hair away from his face in a far more invasive way than Maria would.

You had your chance with her, but there's no coming back from this. She was in pain and you got drunk and slept with a stranger instead of fixing it. You truly are an asshole, especially to the people who matter to you.

Red pressed her lips to his, and with little warning, her tongue explored his mouth. He ran his hand up the redhead's thigh, figuring he might as well see if this helped to clear his thoughts of Maria. This chick was well past interested, and Mitch had zero risks of getting attached. Each touch drove a guilty stake through his hands.

"You can call me Maria again if it helps," she whispered in his ear.

He froze. "What?"

"Last night, you kept calling me 'Maria'. It's cool. A lot of guys are stuck on an ex."

Mitch's skin went cold. Why did she have to be everywhere? "She's not my ex."

"Girlfriend, crush, whatever. I'll be whoever you need if you can do what you did last night again."

Clearly this plan was flawed. Mitch pulled the gray sheets away and climbed out of her bed. He searched for his clothes amongst the pigsty she called a room. An open condom packet sat next to his jeans. At least he had the good sense to use protection. He found a ziplock bag near his jeans pocket and shoved it back in.

"Come back to bed. Didn't anyone tell you it's rude not to finish what you started?"

"I've gotta go."

"Fine," she said, grabbing her phone off the bedside table.

He did up his leather belt, then slipped on his t-shirt. His phone sat on the other nightstand, a light flashing in the corner. He ignored the messages and opened a digital map to figure how to get back to the apartment or to a place with a half-decent breakfast.

***

The following day at work, Maria's laugh floated to Mitch's desk as she and Emma compared notes on their students' answers. He tried to focus on his marking his students' English exams, but her words echoed in his head: "Maybe I changed my mind." From the way she'd looked at him, he almost believed it too. He'd broken a sweet, perfect woman just like his selfish self had wanted. Now she thought she had to stoop low enough to abandon her dreams to get affection.

She turned and smiled at him from her desk, unaware of how he'd betrayed her. This was the worst week to keep his distance as they were mostly confined to the staff room, marking side-by-side while the students wrote their exams.

He averted his eyes and read the same sentence for the seventh time before he picked everything up and brought his work to the back table in the staff kitchen. At least from there, her voice blended into the others. He got through half his corrections before Shawn wandered in and sat in the chair opposite him.

"You're not hungover again, are you?" Shawn whispered.

Mitch shook his head. "Just wanted some space to spread out the exams, compare the responses."

"Everything cool with you? You've been acting off all day."

"It's all good, not my week. How's everything going with you? Get your marking done?"

"Yeah, just have to double-check them and enter the scores, so I'm ready to go through everyone else's exams as they come in."

Mitch took a sip of his coffee. "I can't say I envy your position."

Shawn laughed. "At least I don't look like a haggard street dog. But I'll leave you to it."

Maria had called him that then ruffled up his hair over lunch in Ayutthaya. He shook his head to knock away the thought of her touch. Even if his lead tongue communicated his less seedy intentions, Mitch was far too messed up for her to love. She just had no idea. If she knew where he'd gone after crushing her, she'd never speak to him again. He knew he should tell her and set her free, but he couldn't bear to cause her that much pain again.

The next exam Mitch reviewed was Min Min's. When he got to the writing section, the name that had been in his head all day appeared countless times, decorated with heart-dotted I's. Min Min listed all the reasons she admired Maria and thought she was an outstanding role model. She'd even drawn a cute little anime version of Maria. Mitch flipped the exam shut and crammed it back in the pile.

Half an hour later, he felt someone leaning on his shoulder as he corrected Min Min's work. The scent of coconut shampoo told him who it was.

"Is that Min Min's exam?" she asked.

"You've left quite the impression on your student." Not just her student. Today had been nearly impossible as he tried to avoid every urge to talk to her or be around her. She hadn't treated him like trash either, which deepened his guilt.

Maria smiled, revealing her straight teeth. She brushed her hair behind her ear as she leaned over him to read the exam. Her boobs were at his eye level, but knowing her, it wasn't intentional. He both loved and hated that about her right now.

"Oh come on, we worked on using adjectives together," she muttered.

"She used a lot of them correctly."

"That's good, I guess. Do you want to grab some lunch?"

"I still have a few of these left to mark."

"When did you become such a keener?" she teased, placing a hand on his shoulder. Her touch reminded him of the two of them in his room, her hands dipping lower and lower, then the devastated look as he pushed her away.

"Maria," Tom's voice came from behind the half-wall. For once, Mitch appreciated the man's clingy nature. She removed her hand and distanced herself.

"Hey Tom, you going for lunch at the caf?" Maria asked.

"You read my mind," he said.

"Mitch, you coming?" Maria asked.

"I'll finish these up first, and I'm going out to eat. This place is getting suffocating."

The two wandered off without trying to change his answer, chatting as they went. Mitch ran a hand through his greasy hair and closed his eyes. Maria's hurt face continued to haunt him, but he knew his urge to fix it would only mislead her more. He would have to give her up completely to protect her, which was going to be as challenging as scaling a rock wall during a typhoon.