As Maria lay next to Mitch, their legs nearly intertwined and his hand skimming her skin and clothes like they were brail, she didn't know whether to feel lucky or run. With him, her unease and uncertainty vanished, unlike with Tom, although video chatting with his family had been more fun than she'd imagined. Seeing that understanding side of him—real understanding, not his semi-awareness and not so useful advice—had reassured her.

Mitch's blue eyes locked on her face from behind his wall of blond bangs. He resembled a surfer model, one who'd break her heart, but she couldn't stop staring at. He ran his fingers through her hair until he reached the part with bits of rice clinging to the strands. Taking his time, he removed them one by one and smoothing her hair down. Maria inhaled deeply, catching hints of his spicy cedar and cinnamon cologne that was becoming more familiar and intoxicating.

"I eat and cook like a child," she muttered.

He chuckled and brushed her cheek with his thumb as he withdrew his hand. "Maybe you'll get an easy-bake oven for Christmas."

"If I find one on my doorstep, I'll know who to thank."

Mitch stayed close to her on the bed where they'd chosen to eat their curry and watch a movie that neither of them was interested in. Maria placed her head in the crook of his shoulder, and he squeezed her side softly.

"How is tutoring going?" he asked.

"Good, it's a lot of fun. Though Min Min is getting a bit too curious and may be sharing your secrets."

Mitch looked down his slender nose at her and appeared to hold in a laugh. "My secrets?"

"She said you thought I was beautiful."

His lips quirked into a smile. "What I told her was that you had a banging bod and an ass that just didn't quit, so I'm quite impressed with her comprehension and summarizing skills."

Pulling away, Maria crossed her arms and scrunched her nose. "She asked if I thought you were handsome."

"I hope you said yes. We're reviewing certain adjectives in class, and if you used Tom's name she'll be forever confused."

Maria fought the urge to roll her eyes and gave him a playful nudge instead. While Tom didn't make her breathless with his looks, he still had a boyish charm she found appealing.

"I'm serious. This could be a problem." It was one thing to be flirty friends in their personal time, but if rumours spread, she could be reprimanded or worse at work. Who knew if Min Min's parents would fire her if they thought she slept her way into her tutoring role.

"We were talking about the nuances of 'pretty', 'cute', 'so-so', 'ugly' and 'beautiful' to use in our descriptive writing. Min Min suggested you and your Loy Krathong dress for beautiful. The class asked if I agreed and I did. Am I supposed to lie to them?"

She met his gaze and smiled. That water festival last month had been beautiful, and she'd loved the opportunity to have her co-workers help her into a traditional Thai dress. "Thanks."

He grinned. "It wasn't my idea."

With a sigh, Maria leaned against the headboard and studied Mitch again. His strong, long arms that often found their way around her shoulders and waist; his near-constant smile that helped her endure stressful days; those soft lips that spouted sweet words she reminded herself to take with a grain of salt.

"It's not fair," Maria muttered.

He leaned closer and raised his eyebrows. "What isn't?"

"You're too good at this for someone with zero interest in relationships."

He laughed lightly. "Don't tell me you have feelings for me."

It took a lot of effort to keep the rib-crushing, stomach-dropping sensation from showing on her face. Of course, any sort of romantic feelings would be entertaining for him, another reason to tease or lecture her. She forced a smile.

"I have some feelings for you," she said. "Annoyance, disbelief at your arrogance, confusion as you still can't cook without my help."

With a playful nudge, Mitch lowered himself and Maria onto the bed. He held himself over her with his hands on either side of her shoulders. His face grew closer, making her palms sweat and her breaths grow shallower. "Are you sure that's all?"

What was he playing at? He was the one that suggested they be flirty friends with boundaries. He had no interest in relationships and was just toying with her feelings now. She ignored her pounding heart, determined not to let his teasing get the best of her. "I already mentioned arrogance. You know how I feel about hook-ups, and I know how you avoid relationships."

Mitch rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling, letting out a deep sigh. His Adam's apple bobbed up and down with each breath. "Maria, I..." Instead of finishing the sentence, he ran a hand through his shaggy hair and groaned.

"I should go." She sat up on the bed and stood to gather the cooking sauces she'd brought over.

"Daniel and Sunshine are supposed to call soon," Mitch called out from the bed. "Did you want to stay for that?"

Maria shrugged. It would be nice to see them. But why did he want them both there for the chat? "Is Shawn coming too?"

"No, but you're here, and you're her cousin... You don't have to stay." He scratched at the top of his head. "I'm sorry about earlier. I shouldn't have done that. Sometimes I stop thinking straight when you're around."

Maria told her overeager heart to calm down again. He'd mentioned countless times that he found her attractive and with blood rushing to one area of his body, it would cloud his mind. He never controlled himself with women, and it was no different now. If she believed she was special, she'd only get crushed like Becca. Who knew what their earlier flirty friendship entailed and if it had begun like this?

"It's fine, I started it. Friends?"

Mitch's smile wavered like a wave of heat rising from hot pavement. "Sure, friends."

When she went to gather up a few of their cooking dishes, a warm body pressed against her and a large hand encircled hers. "Let me. Guests, especially guest chefs, don't clean." If he were another man, she would have turned and kissed him. She had to stop falling into these so-called blunders that seemed more like traps.

"If you insist." she gave up the bowl and walked to the laptop.

"You can call them if you want. I'll be there in a couple of minutes."

Maria looked at the laptop's open screen, which displayed a natural waterfall. He had pretty basic programs on it, a few for editing photos and videos, some shortcuts to teaching documents on his desktop.

She opened up the windows bar and searched for Skype. On the side of the main screen was a thumbnail of Mitch, Shawn, and two women, one who looked like Emma. Maria was curious where it was taken and figured Mitch wouldn't care, so she enlarged it. Mitch had his arm around a short brunette with a corsage on her wrist and Shawn had his arm around a thin blonde that Maria had mistaken for Emma in a red spaghetti strap dress. Only Shawn looked old enough to pass for anyone but a high school student.

Mitch came out of the bathroom, and she exited the photo, opening Skype instead. Sunshine was online, so Maria sent her a quick message. The call came in moments later, and Maria scooted back until she was against the wall.

"Hey cuz!" Maria said with a smile.

Sunshine cocked her head to the side. "Hey Ria, are you calling from Mitch's account? Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, he asked me to call you, and he'll be here in a minute."

Mitch popped in behind her and waved. "Hey, Sun! Just finishing the housework, be there soon."

"Aww, look at you two cozying up together for winter," Sunshine said with a big smile. When Mitch stepped away to wash another dish, she added, "We're having a chat later."

"It's not like that, we're friends," Maria said.

The corner of Sunshine's lip twitched into a smile, and she shook her head.

"Great friends," Mitch called out from the washroom. "I'll be half-competent at making Filipino food by the end of the year if this keeps up."

"You'll have to come to visit and cook for us, Mitch!" Sunshine said. "Daniel is many things, but a chef is not one of them."

"I heard that!" A man's voice echoed through the speaker.

"I still love you," Sunshine called out.

"As you should." A tall, handsome Korean man came onto the screen, wrapped his arms around Sunshine, and kissed her on the cheek. He whispered something in her ear, and she smiled. Mitch returned to the room and shook his head.

"Oh stop, Mitch. I see you rolling your eyes from here," Daniel said.

"How has everything been with the pregnancy?" Maria asked.

Sunshine jumped up to show off a little belly in her flowing red dress. Her stomach might as well have been Maria's after a meal.

"Are you sure there's a baby inside?" Maria asked.

Sunshine sat down and took Daniel's hands in hers. "She's growing fingers, toes, eyelashes."

"She?" Maria's voice rose, a smile blossoming on her lips.

"I know, like we don't have enough estrogen in our family already, right?" Sunshine said with a wide grin. "We found out this week since she was shy last time."

"That's so exciting!" Maria gushed. A baby niece she could buy the cutest outfits for and teach to dance.

"Exciting for you," Daniel said, stretching his arm out. "I'll be pulling out my hair waiting to chase off the future Mitch's of the world away from her. She's without a doubt going to be beautiful like her mother."

Sunshine beamed and rested her head against Daniel's chest. He wrapped his arms around her. Maria's heart ached.

"Who knows, Mitch might surprise you one day," Sunshine said.

"I make no promises," Mitch said. "Though I can help Daniel fight the assholes who think they have a shot with her."

Maria's gaze drifted to the photo of the lonely man in the field. Would she have a similar fate? Mitch's behaviour shouldn't surprise her, but it was still disappointing to know she was right about his intentions.

"So how are classes going?" Sunshine asked. "Must be exam time for the kids."

"Next week," Mitch said. "I'll discover if what I'm throwing at the wall has stuck."

"How are your students, Maria?" Daniel asked, ruffling his long black hair. Since she had taken over his classes when he left last October, he still checked in from time to time.

"Pretty good." Maria cleared her dry throat. "Most of them are working hard."

"She's tutoring Min Min," Mitch said.

Sunshine's mouth opened, and then she smiled. "I loved teaching her last year! Please say hi for me!"

Maria nodded.

"I'll have to send you the Loy Krathong dance videos," Mitch said. "The kids did awesome with their remix routine."

"Oh, I miss all that!" Sunshine said, leaning her head into Daniel's chest. She tilted her head up to look into his eyes. "Maybe we should go back?"

"Babe, we talked about this, quite a bit," Daniel said.

Sunshine jutted out her bottom lip and fluttered her thick, long eyelashes. "But we could be there together."

Daniel shook his head with a smile and looked at the camera. "She's like this all the time. Once I get a pizza out of the oven, she wants fried rice."

"If it's what the baby wants..." Sunshine started.

"The baby's brain is not developed enough to know what Thailand is," Daniel said.

"Fine." She crossed her arms. "But when she moves out to god-knows-where to see the world and abandon her amazing, loving parents, I'm blaming you."

A smile played on Mitch's lips as he and Maria watched their friends. His hand grazed hers and then he entwined her fingers in his. She hadn't a clue what he thought, watching an exchange like this, possibly the desire to double up on condoms or run, but her heart ached.

When the call ended, her shoulders slumped. As much as she loved catching up with her cousin and Daniel, their happiness reminded her of the void in her own life. A solitary tear slipped down her cheek, travelling down her neck to wet the collar of her blouse.

"You okay?" Mitch asked, rubbing a hand on her shoulder.

Maria nodded and looked at the frayed edges of her jean shorts.

"I miss them, too," his voice was more vulnerable than she'd heard before.

"I just—" Was it worth confessing if he'd tell her it was a worthless worry? He sounded a little less cocky than earlier. "I wonder if I'll ever find that."

Mitch's thumb caught the next tear on its way down her cheek. She looked at him with wide eyes. "Of course you will. It might not be instant, but you'll find it. Give it time. You are an amazing, kind, talented, and stunning person. You are an absolute catch."

Those words only cheered her up half as much as they should have. He could say that in one breath and not want her in the next. "I wish it felt that way."

"Your ex was a deplorable and selfish human. Out here, it's harder to find people who aren't only looking to hook up. That shouldn't affect how you see yourself."

"I'll take your word for it."

"It took Sunshine two years and many drunken encouragement rants by yours truly, Priya, and Becca, to build up the courage to ask Dan out. So it appears like it fell into place perfectly for her, but it was slow."

Now that Mitch mentioned it, Maria remembered her cousin raving about her sweet and gorgeous Korean friend who must have been Dan but still being single for a while.

"You encouraged relationships?" Maria chuckled to herself.

"It was clear they both wanted that."

"What about the times you've tried to sell me on hooking up? Was I not clear enough?"

"There were obvious selfish reasons there. But..." He stared up at his ceiling and the lines on his forehead grew closer together. "It was scary watching you depend on your ex's opinion and change yourself to suit him, even when you knew he was terrible for you. I didn't want you to suffer that again."

Maria engulfed Mitch in a hug. He rubbed slow circles on her back and she might have imagined it, but she could have sworn he kissed the top of her head. He could be such an understanding sweetheart. Why was he still tolerating her if he only wanted hookups or friends with benefits arrangements? Any other guy with his desires would have told her and her emotional baggage to take a hike ages ago.

If he could act like the emotionally supportive man she needed, could she be the sexually liberated woman he desired? They'd made out, and he stuck around. He'd agreed not to see other women, which seemed like a big step for him. Would he keep his word if they slept together? She understood it wouldn't be forever, and she still wasn't sure if a relationship was the right call, especially with him, but perhaps they could find a middle ground for their stay in Thailand. Being lonely all the time was crushing her spirit, especially with the holidays nearing and after seeing Sunshine and Daniel.

She pulled away just enough to run her hand up and down his chest. He shuddered as her hands got close to his abdomen. She threaded one hand through his tangled hair and drew their faces closer together.

"I want you," she whispered.

"Don't do this." His hot breath tickled her lips. "This isn't what you want."

"How do you know?" She looked him in the eyes, overcome with the desire to feel his lips against hers, against her skin, against... she shivered. "Maybe I changed my mind."

Mitch pulled away, turning toward the wall and leaving her cold and shaken. "You haven't, and I don't want to be the next guy who hurts you."

Maria sighed. "You said I could have fun between now and forever."

He was breathing heavily as he turned back. "It isn't fun watching you throw away what you really want and settle for a cheap imitation."

"I don't understand you, Mitch. Wasn't the point of asking us to be flirty friends to end up sleeping together?"

He pushed his hair away from his sad blue eyes as if he'd been struck. "That's how you think I'd treat you?"

"I don't know. I don't even understand what the agreement was or why we made it."

"You're right. It was a terrible idea. We'll call it off."

Her skin chilled like she'd done a polar bear swim. Dozens of questions floated in her mind as she stood and let out a shaky exhalation. "Are you sure?"

He nodded. "You deserve someone who can make you feel happy, cherished, and loved. I'm clearly not that person," he croaked.

His words hit her like an explosion, knocking the breath from her lungs and leaving her scrambling to compose herself. She breathed slowly to recover, but it couldn't dull the pain.

You're unlovable. Everyone can see it, Ria, except you.

"You deserve that too," she whispered. Her eyes prickled and she trembled as she grabbed her purse and headed for the door before the tears started.

She'd only reached her front door when waves of sadness she hadn't experienced since Adrian cheated on her washed over her body. She'd thought that she and Mitch had a special connection beyond what he claimed. What made her so unappealing?

As much as her trembling hands dug through her purse, her fingers wouldn't connect with her metal key chain. She cursed and slammed her eyes shut, more tears tumbling down her warm cheeks.

While she took a deep, calming breath, footsteps approached from inside Mitch's apartment. Her heart hammered and her feet raced, straight down to Emma's place. Mitch had made it clear there was no scenario where they could be more than flirty friends, and she couldn't handle being fed false hope when she desired more.

***

(Draft post) Rialoves2cook: Are relationships worth the trouble or are they just an illusion to chase to feel dead inside when they fail so the liquor and ice cream industries stay alive? Why do mine hurt so much when others make it look so easy?

#unloveable #screwyourhappilyeverafterHollywood 

Deleted December 21st, 1:00 AM