Shawn stood on the podium with sweat beading down his back and soaking his formal shirt. After he sought his mother's eyes in the crowd, she nodded as if to say ignore these fools' drama and remember Emily the way you want. He took a deep breath and looked at the sizeable congregation in the church: the Foster family, his former classmates, her coworkers, and Brian, the lucky bastard who'd consistently earned what Shawn had dreamed of since he was a teen, Em's love.

He kept waiting to wake up from this heart-wrenching dream, but the expectant audience stared at him or the large picture of Emily grinning at the lake. An engagement photo for the wedding she'd never have. Why couldn't he have been happy for her instead of jealous? He closed his eyes and vowed to do better by her.

"Thank you for celebrating Emily's life today, one cut far too short. She was my best friend since the day she and Mitch barrelled across the road, and I say barrelled because Mitch had her in a wheelbarrow. They hit a bump, and she came hurtling into our yard. After I helped her up, she didn't shed a single tear but was fascinated by the potential scars on her scraped knees. She lived the same way, fast and with a tenacity most don't develop in a lifetime. Emily is one of the strongest people I know."

He paused and stared at the word strong in his speech, which only conveyed a fraction of her spirit. She'd been through too much. She'd had to repeat most of her high school classes while Shawn and Mitch left with scholarships for university. Although she hadn't said divulged it, he knew it ate away at her self-confidence. Not to mention her exes who treated her like trash. He recalled the determination she had when she'd showed up at his apartment freshman year of college. He shut his eyes. It wasn't the time.

"I'll miss her clever wit, her twisted sense of humour, and what an amazing person she was. She always knew how to brighten a terrible day. Life won't be the same without her, but Heaven is a happier place now." He had to believe she was somewhere better than this and done suffering. Anything else and he wouldn't get through the days.

After he finished his speech, the Fosters congratulated him, but the words were hollow as he watched his other best friend fade like a flickering fluorescent light, threatening to go out any second. Nothing Shawn said or did chased away that darkness building in Mitch. The priest's speech only seemed to incite his friend's anger too.

By the time he, Mitch, Mr. Foster, Brian, and two of Em's uncles were ready to carry her casket out of the church, Mitch was swaying and still reeked of booze. Shawn pleaded with Mitch through his gaze not to mess this up. Em deserved a smooth ride out of this world given her rocky life. It almost appeared Mitch was walking the same path. Shawn sighed. How could he fix that?

Everyone in the pews stood as the pallbearers carried the heavy cherry-wood tomb down the aisle. Shawn blinked away his tears, determined to stay strong and protect Em or what was left of her.

I wish I could have saved you from this fate.

As they descended the steps in front of the church, Mitch stumbled and almost dropped the bottom of the casket. Shawn caught the extra weight and reached for his friends' shoulder with his free hand to tell him he could do this. They made it to the shiny hearse without another incident and pushed the coffin inside. As the wood left his hands, Shawn trembled and all the tears he'd held erupted. This was the last time he'd ever be close to Em.

Someone squeezed his shoulders and patted his back until he could breathe again. When he turned, Brian stood with glistening cheeks and a gentle expression. Behind the hearse, Mitch took out a flask from his suit pocket. Shawn didn't have the energy to intervene.

Brian tugged at his sleeves as a cool breeze rolled by. "It only hurts like this because you two a special bond."

Shawn nodded. He couldn't believe she'd be gone for the rest of his life. Why hadn't they done more together recently?

"You should come by the house tonight. It helps to be together in times like this," Brian said.

An unsteady hand grabbed Shawn's shoulder as Mitch leaned against him for support. "It's not your house, Brian."

"Shut your damned mouth," Mr. Foster seethed. "We raised you better than that. Brian is a member of this family, and you will treat him with respect."

"I'll do whatever the hell I—" Mitch lost his balance, dropped to his knees, and vomited all over Shawn's shoes as people poured out of the cathedral.

Martin curled his lip and strode to his wife.

"I'll take him home," Shawn said before more cruel words slipped from Mr. Foster's lips.

"Thank you, Shawn." Darla's eyes lingered on her son, but she turned away when others approached to share their condolences.

***

As Shawn dragged Mitch up the stairs, he half-expected Emily to jump out of her room and yell 'gotcha!'. But that was impossible. They'd just carried her into the hearse where her body would sit in some refrigerated limbo until the ground thawed enough to bury her in the spring. Shawn tensed. Would Mitch be this overwhelmed then too? He'd gotten sloppy drunk at a handful of parties throughout high school and college, but never slung insults or ruined important occasions with his intoxicated state. Usually, Mitch spent more time socializing, welcoming people, and often offered to be the designated driver.

This is just a phrase. His twin sister, and only sibling, is dead; cut him some slack.

Once Shawn had nudged Mitch in the washroom with clean clothes, he collapsed in the bed only to land on a forty of whiskey that was nearly empty. Shawn sighed, shook away the illusion that he could rest, and searched for other bottles.

He'd hide them in Emily's room as Mitch seemed afraid to enter it. She'd like the irony of it since she used to do the opposite as she claimed her parents would never search the golden boy nor be as harsh on him if they found him drinking. Either Martin had lost his outlet with Emily gone or his grief was crushing his patience. Shawn gathered the joints for good measure. Martin would go ballistic if he discovered them, especially after everything Em suffered. Perhaps taking away temptation would be enough to reset Mitch's mindset.

The sun sneaked through the closed blinds, casting lines of light on the basketball, debate team, and academic excellence trophies Mitch had amassed over the years. Shawn had several of his own, which his mother displayed in the living room.

You two are such nerds. But I still love you, Emily's voice fluttered through his mind. He almost felt her reaching up to put her arm around his shoulder. He'd always bend down so she could.

After picking up Mitch's vices, Shawn left to tuck them away in Emily's closet while reminding himself to tell Darla. He didn't want them to think Em had slipped at the end. While he was there, he picked up Emily's jar of notes and ran them down to his car so they wouldn't get misplaced. He had to stop himself from grabbing a handful and reading them all. If he paced himself, Em's presence would last longer. He reread the one he kept in his breast pocket, then tucked it against his chest.

Like the cringe-worthy holiday movies we used to watch with your mom, you'll get through this.

The street was quiet with the town at the wake. In this small community, everyone knew the Fosters, either through Darla and Martin or Mitch and Em. He and Mitch were probably part of a dozen people who weren't attending. In a way, it comforted him to be alone in the space he'd most often shared with her growing up without yelling or having to pretend he was okay. But he also wanted to celebrate her life with others after being away so long.

In the house, Mitch had collapsed on the bed and was snoring. It made the pressure in Shawn's chest lessen. Mitch's phone lit up on the bedside table with his fiance's picture and a number five beside it. Minutes later, Shawn's device's screen displayed her name. He wasn't sure what to say to her, but they'd been friends long enough he wouldn't ghost her. He slipped out of Mitch's room and into the hall.

"Hey Shawn," her voice was weak.

"Lisa, are you doing alright?"

"I've been better," she mumbled. "How about you, how's everything?"

"It's overwhelming."

The line was quiet for a while as he walked to the main level.

"How's he?" she asked.

An absolute mess, a menace, someone Shawn could barely recognize after twenty-three years. "Not great."

"When I asked him to stay, I didn't mean or think..."

A picture of Shawn and Mitch in their gowns the day of high school graduation standing beside Em who was making a silly face sat on the antique chest near the fireplace. A smaller one of Em in an art studio he'd never seen before lay next to it.

Lisa sniffled, and it returned his attention to her.

"It's not your fault. Her health nosedived so fast."

"I feel terrible and selfish."

"You shouldn't. There was no way of knowing."

"I know he never wants to speak to me again, but I have to talk to him."

Shawn sighed. It would just give Mitch the opportunity to attack another person. "I think he needs more time. He's not himself."

"What do you mean?"

Shawn couldn't say that Mitch, who had been loyal to a fault and only had eyes for her since they met, had slept with at least two women that Shawn knew of in the past week. While Shawn liked Lisa, it wasn't his place to betray Mitch's confidence, especially in this state.

"He's not taking her loss well. He's lashing out at everyone."

Lisa inhaled sharply but didn't say a word. Mitch hadn't mentioned how they'd broken up, but it couldn't have been mutual or pleasant.

"I'll tell him to call you when he's doing better, all right?"

"Thanks, Shawn." Her breaths were audible on the phone. "Take care of yourself."

"I'll try." He had to make sure Mitch didn't bring hell upon himself. After a quiet goodbye, the line went dead, and he sighed. The emptiness of the house bore down on him instead of comforting him as it had earlier.

***

As they sat at the bonfire that Ashley had thrown in Emily's honour, Shawn relaxed for the first time since he arrived. Sleeping most of the day had left Mitch sober for supper, and although the conversation was different than usual, it wasn't as hostile as before. Mitch had agreed to come to a celebration an old friend who'd reconnected with Emily threw together. It was nothing extravagant, just a bunch of them hanging out in the park near the lake with warm blankets and thermoses, but Em would have loved it.

They'd camped out here senior year of high school. Em had begged him to sleep under the stars with him despite the tent he'd fought and almost won the battle with earlier. She'd dragged out an old comforter to throw over their sleeping bags. They'd lay as close as two friends pretending not to have feelings for each other could without getting busted. He wanted to reach out and hold her hand or lean in and kiss her, but he settled on brushing his hand against the spot he thought hers would be from within his sleeping bag. It was cheesy, but she smiled.

Her words echoed forward through time. The night sky paints the most amazing canvases.

As he looked up at the twinkling stars, he sensed her watching over them. He raised an eyebrow to ask if this celebration was exciting enough for her.

He almost heard her laugh. Not even close.

Mitch and Ashley were chatting about who was married and pregnant from their graduating class as if this was a regular visit. Smiles and laughs trickled from him. When he'd reached for a soda and offered one to Shawn, Shawn smiled and accepted it, grateful that the flask hadn't appeared. Hiding Mitch's booze had been simple but seemed to have worked.

Soon the stress of the day washed over Shawn, and he could hardly keep his eyes open.

"What happened to you, Walker? Still jet-lagged?" Ashley teased.

Shawn yawned. "Probably."

The question triggered a dozen others about everything from the spiciness of the food, to how primitive they assumed the city was, to the racy ping pong shows he'd only attended once with two good friends and vowed never to return. The women had looked strung-out and like they'd rather have been anywhere else. Despite the memory, the change in topic lightened his heart a little.

"Are you flying back soon?" A guy from their old varsity basketball team asked.

Shawn's friend and coworker Daniel had confirmed that they hadn't replaced him with the Thai school year only a month from completion. Until this evening, he was unsure if he'd feel ok leaving Mitch, but if his acceptance was kicking in, maybe Shawn could return. He had renewed his contract after Emily announced her engagement, and he had great friends there.

"I'm not sure when."

Mitch stared at the fire with his hands clutched around his can.

Shawn let out another yawn, and everyone laughed. "All right, this old man is turning in. You want a ride, Mitch?"

"I'll walk you to the car. No one steal my spot," Mitch looked from the lawn chair to Ashley and grinned. She feigned an innocent look.

They walked the short, narrow path through the dark woods. Shawn turned to Mitch with a grin. "It's good to have you back. You had me scared."

"You don't need to worry about me."

"It's a weird feeling. I'm not used to it." Shawn's worries had been reserved for Emily.

Mitch clapped him on the shoulder and smiled. "Thanks for everything. I love you, man."

Shawn figured after missing Em's departure, Mitch growing emotional. At least they were coming out and not being drowned in whiskey. "You too, buddy. You've got this."

Mitch sighed and nodded.

A sense of hope followed Shawn as he arrived at the car and drove home. Maybe Mitch would settle back into his life and makeup with Lisa. The world would be right again. As right as it could be without Em. Once we made it to his room, that calm sensation lured him into a light sleep. Hours later, a loud crash and the crunch of metal broke his reverie.