Song of the chapter - Vaseline by Stone Temple Pilots

My routines were back to normal. I should've felt better. I should have been relieved. But sitting alone behind the cafeteria wasn't a sanctuary anymore. It was too quiet now.

Ever since freshman year, I had been a loner. At all four schools I had found a place to eat alone, I sat in class and only talked to other students when forced to by the teacher. I didn't socialize with them. Ever.

Most of the time, people would shrug away from me. The constant hoodie covering my head gave off a vibe they didn't want to get near. It didn't help that I never smiled. I never looked anyone in the eye unless I needed to appear threatening. No one would get close to someone like that.

And I had no intention of letting anyone get close to me. Not again.

At first, my choice to be a loner wasn't a choice at all. It was just a side effect of being withdrawn from society, turning into myself. Being a turtle, as Nico put it. Hiding.

Later it just became who I was. My identity was wrapped up in pushing people off, scowling all day and not speaking. Now I wasn't sure I knew how to turn that part off, to open back up.

It had almost happened with her. With Amber, I felt myself opening up without even trying. It was strange and overwhelming, something I'm not sure I could handle. And then, it was gone. I had messed everything up by letting my emotions control me. No more. I needed to keep my brain functioning so that wouldn't happen again. Because this is where letting my emotions take over got me, miserable.

And now, even my peaceful lunch away from the fucking school bullshit was a miserable place to be.

My lunch was the typical sandwich that either my mom or I made every day. Another routine. Some fucking deli meat on wheat bread, no mayo but with one slice of cheese. Not exciting, but definitely cheap.

I would get food from school, but it sucked. I'd rather look like a pussy with my homemade lunch then eat the crap they pass off as food.

Who am I kidding, I never looked like a pussy.

It was such a weird feeling, sitting alone in my usual spot away from the glares and looks of horror. I never felt lonely anymore. Or at least I never noticed it. Loneliness was such a normal part of my life, it just was. There was nothing about being alone that was new.

Until yesterday.

Fuck, when Amber looked at me and walked away, I suddenly felt more lonely than I ever had before. And freshman year, I had been effing lonely. That year the loneliness practically killed me.

Lisa had just...left us. My mom had packed the two of us up and moved to a new state, getting me away from everything. Including Nico.

I never had many friends, Nico had pretty much been it. Now he was gone too. FaceTime wasn't my thing so texting was the main way we stayed in touch. It sucked.

That was the year I started pulling away. That was the year I pulled the hood up, not wanting the effing questions about my scar. That was the year I hated everyone and everything. And, that was the year I met Rachel.

I thought about Rachel once in a while, but she wasn't someone I missed. I was too messed up to have feelings for her, and she must have been the same.

That year, at whatever f-ed up school I happened to have been shoved into, I honestly couldn't even remember which one, I sat under the bleachers for lunch. The back of the cafeteria was unavailable. That's code for filled with a holes already. I wasn't trying to get beat up, so I found another spot. Alone.

About three months into the year, this girl came around the corner of the bleachers and sat down, five feet from me. I was pissed. I didn't need to deal with drama, and that's the only thing girls brought with them.

She didn't talk and neither did I. She just ate her crap school lunch, read a book, then left. She waited a whole week before coming back again and doing the exact same thing. It continued randomly like that for a while.

Always careful not to make eye contact, I would glance at her, trying to figure her out. Now that I think about it, she was kind of like April. She looked tough, but not so tough that I was intimidated. Her hair was long, and tangled, like she was going for dreads, or just didn't give a shit.

I never saw her in a dress or a color, unless grey is considered a color. She wasn't exactly goth or emo, or whatever the fuck they call it. She looked like the kind of girl who would flip off the cheerleaders every chance she got. Which was cool with me.

But one day, she was crying when she sat down on the grass. Not sobbing, ugly crying. It was quiet, but I could tell. Fuck, was my only thought, here comes the drama. I couldn't handle anymore drama.

After about ten minutes of silence, though, I couldn't keep acting like an unfeeling a hole.

So I said, "You okay?"

She stayed silent, not even acting like she heard me.

"Someone I need to beat up for you?" I offered.

Then she laughed. And not like a little chuckle. It was a full on laugh-so-hard-you-can't-talk-or-breathe kind of laugh.

"I'm glad you think I'm so funny." I said. I had no idea where the effing words were coming from that day, but my mouth wouldn't shut up.  She kept laughing , now wiping tears from her eyes.

"Yeah, you slay with your hilarity." She finally managed to say.

"Um...thanks." I mumbled back, now more interested in my shitty lunch than I had been. Once she finally started talking, I was back to being uncomfortable.

"You know, you're not as scary as you want everyone to believe."

Crap. Here we go. I didn't want to talk about myself.

"Something tells me you're scarier than anyone really knows." I ended up saying.

"See. You slay." She came over, sitting only a foot from me. She just looked at me for a minute.

"Everyone here blows." She stated. A simple fact not worth debating.

"True." I replied, not looking back at her.

"Do you have a name?"

Did I even want her to know? I debated for a minute.

"Yeah."

"Oh, it's like that, huh?" She raised an eyebrow. Where had all the tears gone?

"I'm Rachel." She offered.

Fine. Whatever. "Garrett." I wasn't much of a badass that day.

The rest of the semester we sat under the bleachers, sort of acknowledging one another with nods and grunts. Well, I grunted. There was also the occasional "This school sucks." and "Everyone's an asshole"

We never got into why we sat alone, or anything personal. Other than her name, I knew nothing about her. I didn't even know what year she was in school.

Then, at the start of the next semester, she was just gone. I never saw her again. For a while, I listened for rumors about a Rachel and where she had gone, but there was nothing. She had just disappeared.

The fucking loneliness just about did me in after that. I hadn't noticed how much I relied on having her there.

It sucked. She was right, everyone sucked. Including her.

If it was even possible, I pulled away from others more than I already had. Until the day behind the cafeteria when a d-bag messed with his girlfriend, when I decided someone needed to say it. Someone needed to step in for the girl who didn't deserve it.

I had no idea what it would cost me, what I would be left with.

As I finished my lunch, depressing the fuck out of myself with my own thoughts, I heard something. Or rather, someone.

Footsteps were approaching, which triggered my asshole persona to kick in. The hood was already up, but now the scowl came along with it. And just as I was about to stand up to add to my menacing vibe, she came around the corner.

Amber.

All the air rushed out of my lungs, my legs seemed to go numb, keeping me stuck on my spot. Why the hell was I reacting this way, as if I was scared for my life? All I knew was, the last time we talked, she was pissed. The last time I saw her, she walked away. What was she doing here now?

Her eyes found mine, but where I expected a glazed look of hatred, I saw a soft expression instead. Her whole face seemed different than it had been just the day before. I wasn't sure how, but it was there. I was too shocked that she was there, behind the cafeteria, to even speak, so I waited for her next move.

Would she slap me? Or call me out on my behavior? Something about that soft expression reassured me that she wasn't on a mission of revenge.

"Hi" she finally said.

"Hey" I said.

"Mind if I join you?" She asked and waved her hand towards the spot next to me.

What?

"Okay." I said, almost as a question.

Amber walked over next to me and sat down, not close enough to make contact, but close enough to make me sweat.

"So, how have you been?" She asked, like it was an everyday conversation between us, rather than the awkward mess it really was.

"Good, I guess." My head was spinning, but I wasn't going to tell her that.

"I'm glad to hear that." She turned her head away from me and focused on her lunch instead.

I relaxed a little, without the stress of her eyes on me.

"Did the victory drive go well?" She asked while getting a napkin. She seemed so calm, I guess it started to calm me down as well.

"It didn't go at all. We had a few more adjustments to make. Today should be the day." I told her.

"Oh. Well, I hope it's a success." She smiled at me.

Something about that smile cracked the wall I had started building. Well, to be more accurate, the wall I had started rebuilding, the second she had walked away the week before. I found myself unable to help what came out of my mouth next.

"Do you want to come?"

Her head turned back to me, a slight smile on her face, "Yeah, that would be great. I'd love to see all the work you've put into it."

That made me feel like complete shit. I know it shouldn't have, but I realized she had also shared something with me that I hadn't acknowledged at all. And she was sitting there trying to make me feel better.

"Hey." I caught her attention and she once again turned back to me. "Thanks for the picture. The one of the Mach five."

"Oh. Your welcome."

What I wanted to say was that it was pretty sick, that she had amazing talent and I really loved it. I wanted to tell her that I had put it on a shelf in my room and looked at it everyday, that it gave me hope for some reason that I couldn't figure out.

But I didn't because I just couldn't bring myself to tell her what I really thought. I couldn't bring myself to say something that could hurt me later on. There may have been a crack in the wall, but the damn thing was still there. I had a feeling it would take something huge to bring it down. And I didn't know what the fuck that could possibly be.

"Well, then..." she started, "I guess I'll see you at Nico's"

"I guess so."

Then, with a smile, she got up and gathered the things, making sure to grab every piece of trash, including mine, and wiping up the crumbs from the ground. Amber walked over to the trash cans and dumped what she had in her hands. She turned back to face me, now with a wider smile.

"Bye" she said with a wave of her hand.

"Bye" I replied automatically.

I watched as she walked back around the corner, until she was out of view, feeling like things were never going to be the same again. And feeling like maybe there was some hope after all.

^^^^^^

There you go, my peeps! What are your thoughts on our guy, Garrett?

The next part is in Amber-Garrett-Matt order and I can HARDLY WAIT!!! I've been thinking about, planning and looking forward to this part since I started writing this. And in case your wondering, there are 12 parts planned, plus an epilogue from at least two POVs.

Thank you for 400 votes!!! JDFanFF was the lucky 400th voter so the last chapter was dedicated to her. Check out her Jamie Dornan fanfics! And I've mentioned this all over the place, but I also want to thank gabycabezut for the gorgeous new cover! It is amazing, don't you think?? I have been a huge fan of her stories (Especially Bad Boy Prince 😍😍)

So this is already too long, but quick song notes on Vaseline- it's sticky and he's stuck in his cycle of pushing people away. Nuf said.

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