Song of the chapter - Against All Odds by Phil Collins

Last night had been surprising. I went to Amber's expecting to be ignored, told to get the hell out of there, or worse. She had never done anything like that, but after breaking up with her, I guessed her angry side would show up.

Nothing would have prepared me for what actually happened, though.

It was after eleven when I finally made it to her house. I didn't want to deal with her parents by going to the door, so I pulled my signature move of knocking on her window. My stomach was in knots doing it, however. This was a make it or break it moment. I would either earn her willingness to listen to what I had to say, or destroy any chance I had with her.

Knocking on her window was the first step. She opened the blinds a few seconds later and I watched her face fall in what seemed like slow motion. At first she had a wide smile, one I hadn't seen in a long time. Then the smile faded and was replaced by shock. Her eyes went wide instead of her mouth. Then, not even a second later, she was glaring at me.

I had never seen that look on her face, it made my heart beat a little faster with nerves. Shit, this wasn't gonna be easy.

"Please open up. I promise to make it quick." Actually I was hoping to spend a while talking to her, but if I told her I would be fast she might give in easier.

"Why? Are you drunk again?" She crossed her arms, still glaring.

"No! I haven't had a drop. Honest. I haven't had anything all break." I put my hands up to emphasize my honesty.

Her hands uncrossed only to go up and cover her face. "Stop lying! You were drunk texting last week! Seventy-five messages, Matt!"

"I wasn't drunk." I replied quietly then put my hands on the window pane, pleading with her. "I knew exactly what I was doing, every single word. I'm so sorry, please let me explain."

Amber stood there, looking me straight in the eye. "I don't believe you..." she practically whispered to herself.

"I know I've been awful, please let me tell you why." I tried pleading again. I had never begged so hard in my life. Truthfully, I had never begged, period.

She looked down, her eyes no longer sending death glares my way. Then she shook her head, her hands going up to wrap around herself as if she was wrestling with her decision. This was my opening.

"Amber, I know you must hate me, I hate myself to be honest, so let me tell you. At least listen, that's all." My forehead pressed against the glass of her window, the first time I had ever asked, not ordered, for her to hear me out.

"Not tonight." I could barely hear her response, but it made my stomach twist, feeling like there was actually a chance. "I'm too tired, I've already heard too many...truths."

I wondered what she was going on about but decided not to open it up. Not yet anyway.

"Okay. Tomorrow? I could take you to breakfast?"

She shook her head. "No, the afternoon. I'll meet you...at the park around one."

I'd take whatever I could get. The park it was. "Yes. I'll be there. Amber..."

She finally looked back up at me but it was a look of caution, one that said she didn't trust me.

"...Thank you."

As I said it, her eyebrows went up, and those beautiful hazel eyes looked into my own. "You've never said that to me." She replied.

I looked at her, confusion on my face. That couldn't be true, could it? I must have thanked her for something these past few months...

Oh my God, I'm a bigger asshole than I thought. How could I have never said Thank you? I had more to fix than I realized.

"See you tomorrow at one." I said as I turned to leave. Amber didn't waste a second closing the window. I got back into my car and drove myself home.

***

Waiting for the afternoon had been torture, my thoughts fought against my feelings. Would she understand? Was all of this worth it? Am I ready to be the kind of guy she deserved?

Pulling up to the park, I took a glance around to see if Amber was already there. I was early so she was no where to be found. I got out of my car, what used to be my pride and joy but now only reminded me of the cheating I had done, and walked towards the swings.

A guy on a swing could be trusted, right?

I sat, swinging absentmindedly, and waited for her to show up. She had never gotten her drivers license so she walked to places like the park and library which were in her neighborhood. I'd teased her too much about it because she was afraid to drive. Just another mark against me.

I looked up after a while and saw her headed towards me, the same look of caution on her face. She wouldn't look my way as she approached. I had to make this good if I wanted her to let me back in.

"Hi" I said casually, hoping to put her at ease.

"Hi." Amber sat on the swing next to me, "do you want to go to one of the tables?"

"No" I wanted to keep looking innocent, the way a swing made a big guy like me look, "this is good. I know you like the swings"

"And I know you always called me a baby because of it." She snapped back.

Ouch. That was harsh, but she was right. I had made fun of her, never thinking about how it would make her feel.

"God, the list of shit I pulled keeps getting longer. I'm sorry for that. I know I've been an ass." Why deny the truth.

"Yes, you have, probably more than you know." She said. I'd never seen her so...strong. It took me by surprise.

"What's happened with you this last month? You're different." I asked. I just hoped it wasn't because of being away from me. But it probably was.

"That's not important right now. We're here because you had some big story to tell me."

Yep, she was different all right. No way she would have ever called me out like that before. I needed to be careful.

"Okay, I guess I'll just get started then."

Amber didn't reply so I kept going.

"It's mostly my dad. Last week he came home from a big job, and practically the second he stepped in the door he started fighting with my mom. Something about what he said struck me. It stayed with me as I went to lock myself in my room and rolled around in my head.

"That's when I realized I was just like him. What I had been doing to you all along. How I had been beating you down with my words."

"And your hands" she interjected.

"I never hit you!" How could she say that? That was the one thing I could feel okay about!

"No, you didn't hit. But you would grab me and drag me behind the cafeteria, holding my arm so tight I had finger marks and made sure to always wear a shirt that would cover them."

What the fuck? I sat up on the swing, bringing my feet down to stop the motion. Then I looked right at her. Had I really grabbed her that hard? I looked down to her arm, thinking back over the times I had done that.

"Oh, shit! Oh my God, Amber...I had no idea, really. Fuck, I'm so sorry." I turned away from her and leaned forward, running my fingers through my hair. I was done, there was no way to get her back. I had most likely pushed her too far away.

"Okay, so keep talking. What should I understand that I don't seem to know yet?" She ordered me.

"Everything." I took a deep breath, "Just that I'm a fucked up asshole that doesn't deserve you and never has. That I took the best thing in my life and destroyed it because somewhere deep down I know I don't deserve you. That I'm a mess without you and wish I had known how terrible I was so I could have done things differently."

I finished talking and braced myself to hear her wrath and then have her walk away forever.

"Why did you think that you didn't deserve me, but you told me all along I was lucky to have you? Why did you make me feel like I was the undeserving one?" Then she took the deep breath, "Why did you cheat on me?"

She didn't pull any punches, just kept knocking me back with the ugly truth.

It took me a moment to respond, "I didn't deserve you because all of my life I've been putting on a show, the perfect Matt show, and none of it was real. I don't know why I said those things other than I was scared you'd see through me and walk away."

I really didn't want to talk about cheating on her. I hadn't realized she knew. That was something I hadn't planned on confessing.

"And Courtney?" She demanded.

Fuck, she even knew who I had cheated with. I might as well tell her everything. "That...I can't explain. In my fucked up mind, I thought I was being patient for you, so I took care of... things another way."

She took in a sharp breath hearing me say that. I snuck a glance and saw a tear rolling down her cheek. Fuck. I was done for sure.

She covered her face with her hands.

"I'm so sorry Amber." What else could I say?

"Matt. It's not just your fault."

"What?" I looked at her straight on, wondering what the hell she was talking about.

"You may have been a jerk, well after the first month that is, but I allowed you to be one. I was too afraid to say anything and too afraid to leave you. But now I see two possibilities..." she said with a broken voice as the tears continued to steam down her face, "if I had spoken up and fought back the first time you started trying to control my life, maybe you would have stopped. Probably not though. I think you needed to come to that conclusion on your own.

"But I really should have broken up with you. I was scared of the repercussions so I was waiting to finish out the school year. I thought you would make my life a living hell. I'm still not sure why you haven't..." her voice trailed off as she finally looked over at me, questions filling her gaze.

"What?" I didn't know what she meant.

"No rumors, no calling me a slut, no angry glares. I figured you'd amp up the insults if we broke up."

"Amber, I couldn't do that, not by the time we actually did break up. You're right, I may have done that if you had broken up with me, trying to keep the Matt show going, but I saw it coming. Right? I knew you were about to finally dump me, so I did it first. I had no desire to lose you, but I couldn't look like the fool. It made me sick to do it. I kept hoping you'd let me back in, but by then things were so bad..."

"Yes, they were." Amber shook her head. "It was bad, Matt. After that day, when Garrett found us-"

Just the mention of his name made my blood pressure go up. I didn't want to talk about Scar. My jaw clenched and my grip on the swings tightened.

"-I started to realize that things needed to change. I had some choices to make."

I tried to calm down with some deep breathing. I needed to stay focused on my goal, and not let my frustrations take over.

"Matt, are you okay?" She looked at me with concern, for the first time in a long time.

"Yeah." Should I be honest? "It's just, I knew when I woke up from his...intrusion, that things were different. You were different. That scared me."

"You knew?" Her eyebrows went up. "I didn't think it was that obvious."

I didn't want to do this anymore. I couldn't keep fucking talking about the past. I wanted to move on.

"Listen," I got up and turned to kneel in front of her swing, holding the chain to keep her steady, "I want to do things right with you. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. Please, let me make this up to you."

She looked down at me, a soft expression in her eyes. It gave me hope for the possibility of her forgiveness.

"Matt..." she started. Even with the soft eyes, I had a bad feeling about what she was about to say..."I can't."

Well, damn.

^^^^

Not exactly a cliffhanger, but the scene isn't quite over yet.

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What are your thoughts about Matt and Amber? That's all I will ask at this point.

Her POV is next and we will see what the results of Matt's honesty are.

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So, song notes. Against All Odds was an 80's steamy romance/drama that had a terrible ending, TBH. It sucked. This song is the ending all wrapped up in a cheesy yet tear-jerking feel fest. Enjoy!!

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