Hey all! Just an FYI that this chapter just about did me in...it was really tough to write and it's still not what I envisioned. There is a specific point to what's happening here and I'm not sure the right message is being conveyed. I may jump back and change it at some point if I have an "aha" but who knows...

Song of the chapter - Killing in the Name by Rage Against the Machine

My stomach hurt. I hated that feeling, the not knowing what's gonna happen next. I hated it. So much.

Nothing in my life was going right. Courtney was a parasite, attaching herself to me and bleeding me dry. With Amber out of the picture, she'd decided she's my girlfriend now. Wouldn't leave me the fuck alone for five damn seconds. Wouldn't shut her mouth no matter how much I ignored her. I honestly didn't care enough about her to call Courtney out on her behavior.

Why couldn't she go hit on some other jock? I dug myself into this hole. Looked like I was gonna have to dig myself out.

Pete and I didn't see eye to eye on anything anymore either. He was constantly giving me shit about everything. The crew, my car, school, Courtney. I could handle most of it, but the worst was when he started in about Amber. Ever since that night at the lot he had been giving me a hard time.

Where's Amber? Still calling out her name? Looks like she's made some new friends. Maybe she's got a thing for bad boys...

He knew exactly how to push my buttons. Pete had noticed Amber walking around school with April, now he wouldn't let up about it. And he knew it meant trouble for her. Which, of course, also meant trouble for me.

As soon as I saw that crazy bitch coming out of Amber's house, I had been keeping my eyes open. The last few weeks at school, Amber seemed to be attached at the hip with that freak. What the hell was she thinking hanging with that crowd? She had never been able to see through people, me being the prime example, and now it was gonna get her killed.

Amber didn't know how to handle herself with the tough type. That's why I had never wanted to take her to the lot. She was just too innocent for that, too weak. How could she stand being with them? What did she even have in common with them?

I had changed my routine to make sure I could watch out for her. It was basically my fault she had gotten into the mess she was in, so I felt like it was my responsibility to keep her safe.
I walked through different hallways than normal, passing by her classes to check up on her there. At lunch I would arrive to the table late and leave early. Most of that time I spent walking around, just looking for her. I never did find out where she sat at lunch now.

The crew tried to give me a hard time about my new behavior, but I shrugged it off saying that I had stuff to do. Pete gave me a look that said bullshit, but everyone else seemed to let it go.

After school I would drive around her neighborhood, looking to see if April's car was in the area. It never was. I had no idea where Amber would go every afternoon, but it sure as hell wasn't her house. It would be too obvious if I tried to follow her, so I would just end up going home instead.

Pete was right. I was a whipped fuck up. All month I've been trying to keep it together, not let on how worried about Amber I am. But I know he knows. I'm surprised more of the guys haven't said something.

Now that we are on break for the holidays, I could keep my distance from them for a while. I needed some peace and quiet for a change. My fucking head was pounding from all of the drama.

I spent the first day of the break hunting for Amber. Driving my dad's Escalade was the perfect cover, especially with the ultra dark tinted windows. I drove around to all of the places I knew she liked to go. Her circle was pretty small, actually. The library, the park near her house, the grocery store. She was pretty dull, now that I think about it. She didn't even have a group of girlfriends she hung out with.

Don't all girls come with a built in squad?

That must be why she started hanging with the crazy bitch. It's not like she had any other options without me in the picture.

I couldn't find her, and after driving around until the tank was practically on empty, I figured it was time to give up. For today anyway. I stopped to filled up the tank, so my dad wouldn't loose his shit, then headed home.

Pulling up to the house, I parked in my dads usual spot. He'd be pretty pissed off if he knew I had driven his car while he was gone. My dad had been gone for a month. He was a project manager for a huge commercial construction company. They sent him all over the world to get things started and organized.

And then he would come back.

He knew what he liked and how things should be done. And that was how things better get done when he was around. Even I had to admit that things were... easier when he was out of town.

I shut off the engine, climbed out of the mammoth vehicle, and sauntered up the front walk. But as I approached the front door, I froze in place. My dad's voice, heard clearly through the thick, solid wood door, was blasting inside.

Damn it. There went any peace and quiet I might have for the night.

We hadn't expected him home until the next morning. He was early and I was fucked. At least I hadn't left he car on empty. Just as I turned to go through the back door, hopefully avoiding a confrontation with him, I heard my name.

"Where the hell is Matt. Damn it, that boy can't follow a simple direction! Don't drive my fucking car!"

Shit. He'd be hunting me down so I might as well face it now. I went ahead and opened the door to my doom.

My parents both turned to look at me as I entered. A quick glance at my mom had me a little thrown off, her eyes were red from crying. Damn, he just got home. That was fast. I didn't bother making eye contact with him. He would take that as a challenge to his authority.

"Well, look who it is." My dad glared at me.

I chose not to say anything. Sometimes silence was the best option.

"Don't you have anything to say for yourself?"

Looked like silence wouldn't cut it this time. "When did you get home?" I said. Deflect. Take the focus off of me.

"Just in time to see that my worthless son who can't seem to follow basic directions, took my car. His equally worthless mother can't seem to control his behavior when I'm gone."

Perfect. I started to protest but one look at my mom had my mouth clamped shut. Her eyes may have been red, but they were also blazing. She was getting pissed. This was about to go nuclear and I didn't want to be any where near it.

"Sorry, Dad. I filled the tank." Maybe that would soften him up a little.

He looked over at me, eyebrows up, but said nothing. His blue eyes, the eyes that mine mirrored, blazed with anger. He had always said I was his clone, a replica of him at my age. I had always been proud of that. But tonight was a different story. After a few glaring seconds, he looked away. Then he rubbed his hand down his face and grunted. I took that as my cue to leave, so I turned to start heading to my room.

"Sherri, when are you going to figure it out?"

I hadn't gotten halfway down the hallway when he started up again.

"If it weren't for me, you'd be living in some slum some where. You're lucky you have me"

Something about what my dad said struck me...strange. Yeah, she's real lucky ran through my mind. I had heard it all before. He reminded my mom whenever he was home how she didn't do anything right, how she was weak. But for some reason what he had just said gave me a chill. What the hell?

I made it to my room with out hearing more of their fight. Honestly it was mostly my dad. It was always mostly my dad. My mom just stood there and took it. Again, something strange came over me when thinking about their arguments. God, what was with me?

Laying on my bed, I started trying to figure out a way to get Amber to stay away from that crowd. But every time I pictured her, it was as she stood behind the cafeteria, me laying into her.

My stomach lurched remembering all the times I grabbed her arm and pulled her back there. I started sweating. Fuck! What was going on? My dads voice was still screeching down the hallway, but I couldn't make out what he was saying. His words from earlier were running through my mind.

"Figure it out"

Hadn't I said the same thing to Amber, many times?

"You're lucky to have me"

I know I'd said that before. But it was the next thought that left me cold. Yeah, she's real lucky. What Garrett had said that day. What I had just been thinking about my dad.

Fuck!

I sat up and put my head in my hands. I pictured the look on my mom's face a few minutes earlier. Broken. She looked broken. He had broken her. All these years, he had been breaking her. I did that to Amber. I fucking did that every day for months.

Shit. I was just like him.

I was him.

No. No. Why hadn't I seen it before? I knew I was an asshole. I knew I wasn't treating her the best. It was like waiting for a bomb to go off, knowing that she would eventually see through me and leave. I felt it coming. But I hadn't seen that I was saying what he says.

After every confrontation with Amber, there had been guilt. I had felt so terrible about it, but kept telling myself it was the only way I could make her see, the only way to keep her mine. And I always told myself that I had only yelled, only grabbed her arm. I had never hit her.

But looking at my mom tonight, knowing that my dad had never hit her either, I saw things differently. She was still broken. And afraid. And alone.

I felt like I had been hit with a ton of bricks. What a piece of shit I really was.

I needed to get out of there, pissed off dad or not. The screaming had stopped so I figured it was as good a time as any to leave. I grabbed my keys and walked out of my room. As I stepped into the entry way of the house, I came to an abrupt halt.

Kneeling in the dinning room, picking up the pieces of a broken dish, was my mom. My little brother, Mark, was on the other side of the room doing the same. In the middle was our table, upside down.

Dad had really lost it.

It seemed to have gotten worse every time he came back from a trip. The longer he was gone, the worse his blow ups had been.

Without saying anything, I walked over to the table and started lifting it back to where it belonged. My brother stood up and grabbed the other side. When it was back in position, I looked over at my mom who wouldn't return my gaze.

Enough. I just shook my head and continued out the front door. My dads Escalade was gone. Fighting with my mom always gave him an excuse to leave. Probably to some bar. Was I really any different?

I guess not.

Jumping into my car, I peeled out of the driveway and away from my house to who knows where.

^^^^^^

So, what did you think? I'm still not sure about this chapter. I restarted it at least three times. Ugh...

Anyway, Garrett is up next so I'm hoping that will flow a bit smoother. We can find out what he's up to over the holiday break.

This song, Killing in the Name, can be heard from a few perspectives. Is it Matt all the time? Matt as he is seeing his dad? Matt when he is angry? All of the above. I connected the emotion in the song with how Matt feels about his life. A ton of F bombs too, like our favorite a-hole Matt.

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]