Song of the chapter - Interstate Lovesong by Stone Temple Pilots

My room was a fucking mess. It was Friday morning and a day off of school. I was laying on my bed, not really feeling it. Honestly I couldn't be bothered to get out of bed most days, but today I could actually follow through with being a lazy ass and sleeping in.

After I left school Monday at lunch, having been confronted by Amber and still pissed that Pete had to take our problems to blows, I went home and locked myself in my room. The only good thing that had happened to me all week was finding out that my dad was leaving again. Thank God he had that project managers job with a huge company. He was going to be in Virginia for at least three months, hopefully longer. By the time he got back I might even be moved out to college.

A guy can dream.

I kept my distance from everyone since then. Staying out of my dad's way was pretty easy. He didn't want to see me any more than I wanted to see him. Avoidance was the best way to deal with it. But it was tougher at school. I couldn't just blow off the rest of the year and ditch. I still needed to keep up some of the image I had spent years building. One bad relationship and an asshole for a best friend shouldn't destroy all of that.

It wasn't too hard to avoid Amber. I only had one class with her and that was first period. She was always on time, actually she was usually the first one in her seat. And she loved to sit up front. So I just waited until the bell rang and then snuck in to the back row. As soon as the class was over, I jumped up and got out of there as quick as I could. We never even made eye contact. Amber had no desire to look my way. If anything, she seemed really damn happy, happier than she'd been with me anyway. I guess telling me off in front of everyone gave her the feels. Shit.

The guys were the hardest to avoid. I couldn't do it physically because we shared a locker room everyday. I still sat there at lunch, too, trying to keep the damn image up. So I avoided conversation, I avoided them socially. I'm sure there was some raging party the night before, but I made sure to stay out of those topics and successfully avoided being forced to go.

Fuck everything. I couldn't wait to get out of this hell hole and start over.

Still laying in bed, I rubbed my face with my hands, groaning and stretching with morning sleepiness. I had no energy lately, that day off was no exception. Video games didn't take much effort, so I decided it would be a good way to waste time. I reluctantly got out of bed and pulled some athletic shorts over my boxers, then kicked all the dirty clothes into one pile. That's about the extent of my cleaning  skills. Who gave a rip.

I sat in my gaming chair and fired up the X box. Killing some zombies sounded pretty good to me. Every kill felt kind of good. That was pretty sick, but at least it was just a game. Eventually I'd get hungry and need to wander out to find food. My dad had left early that morning so the house was pretty quiet. Which was a nice change after a month of fighting. At least one part of my life had settled down for a while.

After about an hour of playing, I heard a knock at my door. My brother liked to jump in on a game whenever I was in a good enough mood to let him, he must have heard me playing and wanted to see if today he'd get lucky. And since my dad was gone, and I'd been awake long enough to get over my morning mood, I thought I'd let him in. The guy on the other side of the door, however, was not who I expected.

"What are you doing here?" I asked as Pete stood in my hallway with his hands in his pockets.

"I figured it was time we talked about it." He said.

"I don't even know what it is" I replied with finger quotes around "it".

He just nodded his head, "Yeah, I know. That's why I'm here. Jeff kind of talked me into it, but he's right, man. I need to talk to you."

I took a long look at him, remembering the years he had been the closest person I had in life, the one who knew almost everything about me. The guy who had seen a glimpse of my dad's bad side, but not the whole thing. I took a step back, opening the door wide enough for Pete to step inside.

Pete took the opportunity and stepped fully into my room. I had no idea where the conversation would go, so I closed the door behind him, keeping the rest of the house out of our business. Pete took the gaming chair and I sat on the bed, arms crossed and waiting for him to enlighten me about whatever it was he needed to say.

"I guess I should start from the beginning." Pete said and took a deep breath. "First of all, I'm sorry I've been so pissed at you. I mean, I had a reason, don't get me wrong, you can be an ass. But I should have said something a long time ago instead of just giving you shit all the time."

"So far this is the worst apology I've ever heard." I replied.

Pete just rolled his eyes, a ballsy move for a guy in his position. "Right. Like I said, let me start from the beginning."

"Which is?" I interrupted.

"Freshman year." He clarified.

"Freshman year? You've been pissed for four years and haven't said anything?" I said, shocked. "The fuck?"

"Nah, not pissed, but that's when you laid the groundwork for it."

"Ok, start talking cause so far I don't know what the hell you're talking about."

"Ok, chill! Just listen without talking for a minute and you'll understand."

I put my hands up in surrender and said nothing.

"First day of school, freshman year, there was this girl in my math class. She sat next to me and always leaned over to help me out when I got stuck on a problem. She was really nice and I thought she was cute, so I started liking her. I was planning on asking her to one of the dances."

I didn't remember Pete dating anyone freshman year. I did. I dated a ton of girls, every year. But Pete had eased into the player roll slowly. Instead of asking anything, I kept quiet as promised.

"So one day we were sitting at our usual spot for lunch and she walked by, I said something to you about her, like 'hey, she's really cute' or something like that. And do you know what you said?"

I didn't. I had no clue. So I just shook my head no.

"You said 'Nah, forget her. Not good enough for us, bro. We need the cream of the crop if we're gonna stay on top of our game.' I'll never forget it. I listened to everything you said, Matt. I always did things your way. And that's my fault, I own that. But this year, I finally saw what I had given up to be in the crew."

This time I interrupted. "Why this year?"

"Because this year, you started dating Amber. The cute girl from my math class. The one that wasn't good enough for me. The one I've had my heart set on for four years but pushed it down because my best friend wanted something better for me. And then he stole her."

Oh shit. My jaw dropped slightly as I just looked at Pete. I had no idea, it never crossed my mind that he had given anything up. It always seemed like our crew got whatever we wanted. But maybe that was just me.

"Damn, man. I had no idea."

"Of course you didn't. I get that now. But when you started going out with her, I thought you'd remembered her, that you did it on purpose or something. So I just swallowed it instead of saying anything, but fuck, it pissed me off. I was so mad I could hardly stand to look at you."

"Yeah, I knew something was off, but I couldn't figure it out." I confessed.

"After a while I started to think maybe Amber wasn't the girl I thought she was. I thought maybe she was more like the rest of the girls you had been with. So I started trying to get her attention myself."

My eyebrows went up on that one. He tried to get her to cheat on me? I mean, I fucking did it all the time, but her and Pete? That's one thing the guys didn't do to each other. I gave him a look that showed my shock.

"I know, bro code. But I didn't care. Part of me wanted her to break up with you, see something better in me. And part of me wanted her to hurt you. When I started to see how you reacted when you finally did break up, it was like revenge. I shouldn't have been as happy about that as I was."

"She never...acted interested in you, did she?" I asked, suddenly wondering how long she had wanted to get away from me.

"No. I think I made her more nervous than anything else." He replied."Anyway, Amber never wanted anything to do with me. Kind of a blow to my ego, I guess."

"Yeah, not as big a blow as her busting my balls in front of the whole school." I said.

Pete gave a little laugh, "She really knocked you down, didn't she? That girl is something else."

My stomach clenched hearing him say that. She was something else, and I lost her. Shit, would it ever stop feeling so damn bad?

"So, are we cool? I mean, I know I'm an ass too, so can we drop all the bullshit and just move on?" Pete asked.

It didn't take a second for me to agree, "yeah, brah. Let's drop the shit and just kill zombies."

"I'm down. Let's play."

The rest of the morning, what was left of it anyway, was spent killing whatever popped up on the screen. Pete and I left our battle in the game and got our friendship back on track. The thing was, Pete coming by to confront me on all of this brought something else to mind.

Amber.

I know I needed to let her go. She had moved on and I needed to do the same. But there was some odd sense of connection I still felt. And it made me feel like a fucking kid, to be so hung up on a girl that wanted nothing to do with me.

Pete had taken off and I was just lazing around at home, but the nagging feeling, like unfinished business was hanging over my head, kept me anxious. I found myself pacing the floor of my room, trying to decide what to do about this effed up feeling that wouldn't go away. The only solution I came up with was to talk to her.

And I knew that was a bad fucking idea.

After trying for a couple hours to push the thought away, I couldn't take it anymore. I grabbed my keys and jumped into my car, heading directly to her house. Ten minutes later I was parked in her driveway and walking up to the front door. I had no illusions that she would welcome me in or even want me there, so I didn't plan on a long visit. But I had to get this out, I had to get rid of this weight on my chest. It was the most awful damn experience of my life at this point. That was saying a lot.

My hand reached up and knocked on the door, expecting it to be slammed in my face. Her mom was the one to answer my knock. Shit. She gave me the one raised eyebrow look of disapproval. I figured she knew everything with that one look.

"Matt." was all she said.

"Is, um, Amber here?" I hadn't texted her because I didn't want the rejection before I had the opportunity to even say anything. I needed to say it more than I had ever needed anything in my life.

"I'll check to see if she's...available." She sneered at me.

I willed myself to ignore her attitude. It was tough though.

Amber came to the door a few minutes later, bringing some relief to my anxiety.

"Hi. What did you need." She asked, coldly. As I expected.

I took a deep breath, "I know I've said this before, but I needed to tell you again. I'm really sorry for the way I was when we were together. I know you don't want to try again, I get that. And I'll stop working on that now."

I saw her release the breath she was holding, probably worried I was there to beg her, or yell at her. She didn't say anything, so I continued.

"I also wanted to say thank you." her mouth fell open in surprise. "I'm not sure that I would have figured these things out if it wasn't for you."

"What do you mean?"

"I see things I didn't see before. Things in my life are a mess, and that's all on me. But I don't think I would have even noticed where I was headed if we hadn't dated. I'd still be the same asshole I am now, but I don't think I'd even realize it. You changed that. And maybe, someday, I'll end up a better person because of it."

Amber shook her head. "Wow, Matt. I never thought you'd be that..."

"Aware?" I finished for her.

"Yeah." She gave a little nervous laugh.

"Like I said, you opened my eyes. It just sucks that the person who did that for me can't be with me anymore." I confessed.

"Matt, just because your eyes are now open, doesn't mean I'm the person you're supposed to be with. Now, maybe you'll be better for someone else." She said, thoughtfully. Yeah, I didn't deserve someone like her. She was too good for me.

"Maybe. I don't know, I'm pretty effed up."

"You don't have to be. Don't give up on these things." Still encouraging me. It should have made me feel better, but it didn't.

"Yeah. Thanks." I took another breath. "Well, that's it. I'll leave you alone now. Bye, Amber."

"Bye, Matt."

I turned away and walked back to my car. I didn't hesitate or even look back as I pulled out of the driveway and drove home. Away from the girl I felt I'd never quite get over.

^^^^^

Closure. Matt said his goodbyes, Amber gave her last words of wisdom. How are you guys feeling about him now??

ONE MORE PART!! I'm sad and excited at the same time. Part 12 will be in Amber-Matt-Garrett order. I realize that Amber usually kicks off the parts, but oh well, that's just how it is.

Interstate Lovesong is a break up lament from STP. It just felt like Matt.

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