Victor

Yuri Katsuki is dead.

Yuri Katsuki killed himself.

That, which my friends and the news article told me, still shocks me even days later as I lie on my bed, staring up at the ceiling.

Since the day I heard, I'd tried my best to keep out of my head, but my thoughts always drifted back to Yuri Katsuki killed himself, so eventually I stopped trying to avoid thinking of it.

According to the news article that had somehow been leaked, Yuri Katsuki swallowed an entire bottle of painkillers and was lying on his bathroom floor for maybe two hours before his horrified parents discovered him unconscious and unresponsive. They immediately called 911 and paramedics had their son rushed to the hospital as quickly as they could, but it didn't matter.

He had already been dead when the paramedics picked him up.

They couldn't revive him, and right when they arrived at the hospital, Yuri Katsuki was officially pronounced dead. His parents had found him in the bathroom too late.

He swallowed an entire bottle of painkillers. He committed suicide.

But why? Why would Yuri Katsuki kill himself? What would drive him to do such a thing? Of course, I've asked myself these questions since the day I was informed of his suicide, but I still haven't been able to come up with a viable answer besides the possibility that he did it because of his dad's death.

Maybe that is why.

But I don't know... If my father died, I'd be devastated, yes, but I wouldn't kill myself over it.

Perhaps it's that and something else... but what? What else could be a reason?

Once again, for the hundredth time, I furiously rack my brain for any plausible reason as to why Yuri Katsuki would take his own life.

And then I remember the last time I saw him.

He had suddenly arrived at school at the end of the day on the second to last day of school. He had been at his locker, collecting his things. When I saw him, I noticed he looked pale and withdrawn and there had been dark circles under his eyes like he hadn't slept for weeks. He had looked like he was going to be sick at any moment. He had definitely looked depressed.

I remember that my friends and I had approached him just to hassle him, like we usually did, and that when he saw us his face had become even paler.

I remember Leo roughly shoving him against the lockers and calling him the names we usually called him. I remember Chris and myself and the rest of our friends laughing. I remember a crowd gathering to make fun of him and laugh too.

I remember he had tried to run away, his belongings in hand, when Leo "accidentally" tripped him and sent him falling to the ground and his things sprawling everywhere.

I remember Leo then giving an obviously fake apology before bending over to Katsuki's level and whispering something in his ear, just loud enough for us to hear.

"Serves you right, freak."

I remember everyone laughing as Leo stood up straight and gave Katsuki a kick in the side, probably just hard enough to leave a bruise.

I remember that was when I stopped laughing. I stood there, cringing at the kick Leo had given him. Other than the times he'd trip him and shove him, I'd never seen Leo be violent with Katsuki before, and definitely not like this. I remember really hoping he wouldn't kick him again.

Then I remember Katsuki slowly standing up, tears streaming down his face, before he had run off towards the exit of our school, leaving his things behind.

And that was the last time I saw Yuri Katsuki.

Now he's dead; he committed suicide.

I take in a shaky breath. What if his dad dying wasn't the only reason he killed himself?

What if... what if my friends and I—all the things we said to him, how we treated him everyday—were a contributing factor? What if Katsuki not only did what he did because of his dad, but because of us, also?

I immediately try to force that morbid thought out of my head. No way. He didn't kill himself because of us... did he?

No! No. He didn't. He couldn't have. It wasn't because of us. It couldn't have been.

But what if I'm wrong?

I swallow. If I'm wrong, and Yuri Katsuki ended his own life—committed suicide—not just because of his father, but also because of what me and my friends did and said to him everyday, then there's no way I can live with myself. There's no way I can live with myself knowing a human being ended their own life because of something I did.

You didn't do it all on your own; all your friends did it. It's not all on you.

It doesn't matter. I participated in it. I participated in events that drove someone to suicide.

That's only if he actually killed himself because of you guys!

I think back to the last time I saw Katsuki. How tears flowed freely down his face. How miserable he looked.

How broken he looked.

I blink rapidly. All throughout high school, I never once noticed how... utterly defeated Katsuki looked every time after my friends and I messed with him. I never once thought about how our having fun affected him. I never once put myself in his shoes.

I never once thought about what it would be like if I were him.

And, why would I think about such things? I was privileged, attractive, wealthy, well-liked, popular—I was living the good life everyday and was practically pampered throughout my entire childhood and now into adulthood. Why would I ever want to think about or know what it was like being in someone else's shoes, most of all Katsuki's?

I wouldn't, so I never thought about it.

And now Katsuki is dead.

Dead, because of his father's death and what my friends and I did to him everyday.

We definitely had a hand in Yuri Katsuki's suicide. I'm sure of it now. I don't know why I didn't realize that the day I was told about his suicide.

I grab my laptop and place it in front of me on my bed before I sit down, crisscrossing my legs, and type into Google's search engine.

Immediately, I notice the same article—the link that had been leaked to everyone in school—pop up as the first search result. I click on it and read it for the thousandth time since I first read it the day it leaked, but this time the churning feeling in the pit in my stomach is amplified a million times.

I'm just finishing up with reading the article yet again when there's a knock on my door.

I flinch in surprise, having forgotten where I am exactly because of all my thoughts being consumed by the article and the feeling of being completely sick to my stomach.

"C-Come in," I struggle to keep my tone of voice even.

It's my mother that enters. She smiles at me and I try my best to smile back. As soon as she steps foot inside my room, I casually turn my laptop away so she won't be able to see the news article.

"Hello, Mother. Is there something you need?" I say politely, trying to sound like I don't feel like I have a knife twisting in my gut. Why do I feel this way? Well, perhaps it's because I'm one of the reasons someone killed themselves. Yes, that's probably it.

Still, it's kind of shocking—never in my life did I ever expect I'd feel this guilty, especially over Yuri Katsuki.

Guilty. I actually feel guilt over what's happened to him.

And I deserve every ounce of guilt I'm feeling.

Mother's voice brings me out of my own thoughts. "It's almost seven o'clock, Victor. You need to be getting ready."

I blink at her. Getting ready? Seven o'clock? What's at seven o'clock?

"Um," I mumble, staring blankly at her, wondering what the heck she's talking about, "what are we talking about? What's at seven?"

My mother's eyes widen. "Are you serious? Victor Nikiforov, we've been talking about this literally all week," she says, raising an eyebrow at me.

What? For the past few days, all I've been thinking about is Yuri Katsuki and the news article. Anything else I might have been thinking about before then suddenly had become utterly irrelevant and I just simply didn't really care anymore.

"Uh..."

Mother narrows her eyes at me. "How about your high school graduation? Ring any bells?"

I'm graduating high school today? It suddenly clicks. Oh. Seven o'clock. Three days after the last day of school. High school graduation. Right. I completely spaced.

Really, it was only a three days ago that I'd been blissfully thinking about graduation and officially being free of high school, but it felt like years ago that I had been thinking about all that.

"Right! I forgot about that," I told her.

Mother blinks at me. "You forgot you're graduating and you're getting your high school diploma today? How could you just forget something like that?" she questions, placing a hand on her hip.

I lace my fingers together. "My mind's been on... other things recently."

"What other things?"

Oh, just one of my classmates committing suicide by downing an entire bottle of painkillers because of his father's death and, also, because of me and my idiot-asshole friends.

"Just...," I swallow and wave it off like it's nothing, "nothing. Never mind. It's not important."

Mother smiles. "Alright. Go and get ready, then! We've got no time to lose!" she says, urging me to get up and around. She then leaves my room and closes the door.

I close my laptop, no longer subjecting myself to seeing the dreadful news article. I reluctantly get off my bed and go to my closet to pick out something nice to wear. To be honest, I don't see why they want us to dress nice when we'll be wearing robes over our clothes. I mean, someone could come to the graduation ceremony in only their underwear, and it wouldn't matter because they'd be dressed in their robe that would cover everything.

Even though I explained this fact to my mother many times, she still insisted I dress nice.

I groan to myself a I look through my clothes. Honestly, going to my graduation is the last thing I feel like doing right now. Ever since I found out about Katsuki's death, I've been in a sour mood, and I definitely don't want to see my friends—some of the people who made Katsuki miserable. I don't even want to look at myself right now.

I know it isn't all their fault, even if I'm making them sound horrible. I took part in it too, so it's not like I'm innocent.

Once I pick out a nice outfit, I begin to get ready for my high school graduation; an event I had been obsessing over for the past few weeks that suddenly doesn't mean as much to me as it did only days ago.

***

My father pulls up to the school and parks the car, all of us getting out afterwards and heading inside.

"Hey, idiot," Yurio whispers at me as we walk inside. "What crawled up your ass and died? You've been acting like you're dying or something ever since the last day of school!"

I avoid his eyes, really not in the mood to talk. "Nothing, Yurio. I'm fine."

"Really? Doubtful. You look like shit. Is this about that guy who died?"

That guy. "His name is—was Yuri Katsuki."

Yurio scoffs. "I know that, dumbass. Anyone who's anyone knows that. Is that why you're all salty?" he says, and he sounds surprised when he asks me the question.

Is it that obvious? I scoff right back. "Why would it be? It's not like he and I were all buddy-buddy before he died," I reply shortly, just wishing Yurio would stop talking to me.

"Oh, you definitely weren't all 'buddy-buddy' before he died!" Yurio lets out somewhat of a strangled laugh. "You and your friends treated him like complete shit." Like I don't already know that.

"Drop it, Yurio."

Apparently, he didn't hear me. "Huh?"

As we approach the entrance of the school, my eyes dart to meet my cousin's. "I said drop it," I speak seriously, my voice coming out as almost a growl.

I don't wait around for Yurio's response as I immediately head inside the school right behind my parents.

***

I shift around in my seat in an effort to become more comfortable. My graduation robe is making me sweat and it has to be a hundred degrees in this stuffy auditorium filled with probably hundreds of parents and relatives. Never mind how big this auditorium is; I still feel hot and claustrophobic.

I've been sitting here for awhile among my classmates, waiting for my name to be called so I can walk across the stage and receive my high school diploma. They're calling everyone in alphabetical order, so I've been waiting awhile because my last name isn't exactly at the beginning of the alphabet.

Luckily, however, I didn't get seated next to any of my friends since our last names don't start with the same letter.

As I continue to wait for my name to be called, my mind drifts back on to the topic that's been haunting me for hours now. I think about the empty seat in the auditorium that was supposed to be Katsuki's. What's it going to be like when his name is called? Or will it be called at all? Will they just skip over him? By now everyone knows about his death, but will it actually be acknowledged during our graduation? Or will they just pretend it didn't happen at all, for tonight's sake? I actually don't know which I would like to happen the least.

And so I sit, my stomach still in knots and my mood only seeming to get worse as I wait for my name to be called and Katsuki's too—although his might not be called.

I slowly let out a breath as I realize for the hundredth time that high school is actually over. I'll actually be going to college after summer vacation is over.

I think over my four years of high school, trying to remember most of the things I did and experienced.

Well, that was high school. That was four whole years, and those four years were certainly a time to remember, as my friends and I knew they would be.

I don't know about my friends, but I won't remember those years like they will. When I think back on this, all I'll really remember will be the suicide of a student we used to constantly harass.

Yes, I am certainly going to remember my time in high school.

But definitely not in the way I had thought I would.