Kinley

I spent the last three weeks forcing myself to "get over" Jude. I deleted the photos of him from my phone. I told Reah and Sasha not to speak his name. And I turned my focus back to my work, which was much needed.

   It's almost the end of October and when Sasha calls on a Thursday to invite me to dinner with her and her sister, I hesitate. I have so much editing piling up and my last wedding of the month is in two days. But then I remember I have a week off in November - something I always do to recharge and chill out after the busy season - and I know everything will fall into place soon enough. My mom's been calling a lot and wants me to go to Indy during my week off, and I'm considering it.

   But tonight I accept the dinner invite and meet them at the restaurant at 7P.M.

   Vada, Sasha's sister, talks almost consistently about her wedding plans for the first hour. They are getting married in January in Cuba, and as this all comes out, she looks at me, her eyes wide.

   "I wanted Sash to ask you sooner, but... will you come? Destination wedding! I need the best photographer and I know that's you."

   I'm not expecting this at all, so I swallow hard. I have made a point not to do destination weddings so far. The situation and the setting is so uncertain that I can't guarantee my usually quality of work. But I did already sort of agree to photograph Vada's wedding. I just didn't know it would be in Cuba.

   "Oh, wow," I say, looking at Sasha and then back to Vada.

   "You can think about it," Sasha says quickly. "They only decided a month ago to go to Cuba. Our mom isn't even that thrilled about it yet."

   I smile at Vada and she's giving me puppy dog eyes. "Please, Kinley? We will pay for the trip for you, and for your work, obviously."

   A free trip to Cuba and getting to photograph a beach wedding? How could I turn that down? And it's Sasha's sister.

   "I... yeah... I'll do it," I say, actually surprising myself a bit.

   Vada is so excited that she buys us drinks. We are finished with dinner so I agree to one martini, but then Sasha goes to the bar and brings back two glasses of wine. Vada is off at the bathroom when Sasha looks at me and laughs.

   "So, you're coming to Cuba."

   "Oh my god," I say, then laugh. "Wow. Well, my birthday is in January, so..."

   "What? What day?"

   "Fifth."

   "The wedding is the week of the twelfth. Well, happy birthday to you then!" Sasha shouts.

   She hugs me and then sips her water. She's driving, so one drink was her limit. Now there's wine, though, so I start sipping it. The restaurant is loud and dark but I'm having a surprisingly good time. It's been three weeks since things blew up with Jude, which is both a long time and almost no time at all. I've just barely stopped thinking about him every day. I notice guys looking at us, at me tonight.  I know there are guys out there, or in this very restaurant, that are probably great. But I need more time.  I've been trying to forget about Jude, but I'm not ready to move on.

   "I'm not going to be able to drive home if I drink all of this," I tell Sasha, motioning at the tall glass of wine, then let out a laugh.

   "Girl, you can sober up at my apartment."

   Vada finishes her wine and then calls her fiance to come pick her up, so we all hug and Sasha and I go outside and over to her car. My car is there, a few rows down, but we are only a few blocks from her apartment. I'll come back and get it when I can drive. Right now, this makes perfect sense to me.

                                                                                              *

I hear the TV on and some voices as we step into Sasha and Jason's apartment, and I see her freeze. She knows something I don't and then she puts up her hand, telling me to stay put. I'm confused at first until I hear Jason whisper-yelling at Sasha and it all comes together. I take a few steps to the top of the landing so I can see down to the living room, and there's Jude, sitting on the white couch, empty beer cans all over the coffee table.

   It's been almost three weeks since he left my apartment while I was asleep. After we talked that morning, I sent him a few texts and called a few times. I thought maybe it was just a blip and we'd be okay. But he basically ghosted me, and now we're in the same room. Shit.

   I sit awkwardly and watch the end of a stupid scary movie, chugging a bottle of water. It's late and I just want to go home, so as soon as the movie ends I go down the hallway to the bathroom, then tell Sasha I'm leaving. Until I'm at the door putting on my shoes, I forget that my car is three blocks away at the restaurant, but I don't care. I'll walk.

   "Kinley."

   I hear his voice, even though I wasn't expecting this. Jude messed up whatever was happening between us. Jude left, and didn't bother returning texts. I gave up on him after he gave up on us. Now he's just a few feet from me.

   "What?" I ask, barely turning back to look at him.

   He looks like a mess. He's wearing gray sweat pants and a hoodie and his hair is so messy. His eyes are glazed over and he's holding his breath. But he's still the Jude that I thought I was falling in love with.

   "Let me walk you down to your car."

   I want to say no, absolutely not. I want to tell him to leave me alone, because I only just stopped thinking about him constantly. But I stare at him, his beautiful eyes that made me feel special, once. And then he's begging me, so I nod.

   He follows me down the hallway to the elevator. It's after midnight so we are both quiet, and when the doors open he steps in after me. I see him take a deep breath. When the doors open again, he follows me out through the lobby and out the main doors. I can tell he was drinking but he doesn't seem drunk now. He's staying just far enough from me, giving me space.

   The air is cold as we walk down the sidewalk. I don't know what I'm doing because I know my car is not in the parking lot where we are headed. Finally I stop and turn to him.

   "Jude, go back to Jason's," I say, seriously.

   "What? No. I wanted to walk you to your car. I want to tell you that I am so sorry for -"

   "No." I'm already shaking my head. "Please, don't."

   He looks shocked and then shoves his hands into the hoodie pocket. I'm not wearing a jacket but at least I'm in jeans and a long sweater. I have to tell him that I'm an idiot and I have to walk all the way to the restaurant to get my car.

   "Okay," he says, stepping back. "If you want me to go, I'll go."

   I sigh and look into his eyes. He looks tired, and sad. "My car's not here."

   "Wait, what?' he asks, confused.

   "I met Sash at the restaurant earlier and then drank too much and drove back here with her. My car is... three blocks away," I tell him, thinking there's no way he'd want to walk that far with me.

   He shifts his weight and I can tell he's thinking. "So, we walk to get your car? Or..."

   "How much did you drink tonight?" I ask him, for whatever reason.

   "Well, I can't drive."

   "But you want to walk all the way to the restaurant with me?" I ask, unsure.

   "I don't want you to walk by yourself. It's late and there are creeps out here," he tells me, seriously.

   I nod and start walking, and he quickens his pace so he's beside me. I have a lot of questions for him, but I stay quiet. I want to know why he left. I want to know how he's been for three weeks. I want to know if I was ever important to him, at all. But I don't need all of that resurfacing right now, so I don't say a word.  He doesn't talk either, until we are turning into the restaurant parking, lot ten minutes later.

   "We made it," he says, then smiles at me.

   "What are you going to do?" I ask him, walking towards my car.

   He shrugs and keeps walking, not stopping until I do. I lean onto the trunk and look at him. He looks more awake now - the cool October air will do that. My fingers are freezing and I just want to get into my car and blast the heat.

   "It's weird, seeing you tonight," he begins, looking me up and down like he's doing it for the first time.

   "Weird?" I ask.

   "To me it feels like no time has passed, but I still know that you're not mine anymore. It feels... weird."  His words don't really make sense and yet they do. I feel like this too.

   "I didn't know you'd be at their apartment tonight, Jude," I say, then bite my bottom lip.

   "You wouldn't have gone up if you knew I was there, I know," he says, then forces a smile.

   "Thanks for walking with me." I press the button to unlock the car as I say this. "Want me to drive you back?"

   He considers this, and then shakes his head. "I think I should walk."

   "But it's late and there's creeps out here," I tell him, repeating his words.

   He snorts and steps back anyway. "Goodnight, Kinley."

   Now I feel torn. I was forcing myself to get over him because he ended it. He said he we shouldn't be together, but gave no reasoning. I wanted to try harder but he threw in the towel. Being here, in the dark, with him now is reminding me that for some reason I still want to try.

   "Get in the car, Jude," I say, without thinking it through.

   He looks shocked, for a split second. He narrows his eyes at me and then nods and walks around to the passenger door. I get in my seat and start the car, pressing the heat on right away, and turn down the radio. Once he's in and sitting beside me, I feel like I can't breathe. My decision making skills are not altered by alcohol at this point, so I know that I want him there. I can feel it in my body. What we do now is beyond me, though.

   He's staying still, like he's afraid to say or do something that will ruin this. I reach over and touch his hand, hoping to calm him. And then he's in my space, his hands at my face, his nose touching mine. He's breathing heavy and not blinking and he's waiting for me, I know he is. Not in a million years did I think this night would end this way, but when I kiss him now, it's like all of my pain is gone.  All of my guards are down. And kissing Jude in my car in the restaurant parking lot is somehow exactly what I need.