Simone

I check my phone, staring at the last message that I sent Abby.

Me: [ Congratulations. Beth told me you got full custody of the twins.]

It stares back at me the same way it did four weeks ago when I sent it.

Did she see it? I ask myself every time I look at it. Does she even still have my number? I don't think she does, maybe she would have reached out if she saw the text.

But again, she might not want to on purpose because the last time we spoke was at the airport when she was leaving. I still remember her cold stares like it wasn't six weeks ago.

Time has passed but I can't seem to get on with my life.

I lean against the living room wall, scanning the half-painted surface. The soft blue is supposed to feel fresh, light, something new to cover the memories Zack and I built together in this house.

But it's not working. No matter how many layers I put up, I can still feel them seeping through, like the paint can't mask the years we spent here. I can still hear his laugh echoing in the halls, smell his cologne on the pillows even though they've been washed a dozen times since he left.

It's like he's still here. And not just in the house---in me.

My chest knots as I think about him, how we clung to each other for so long and then fiercely tore each other apart.

And now, with Abby out of my life, I find myself floating in the mess I created.

I hate myself.

I throw the paintbrush, not caring as it lands onto the floor. Painting the house isn't going to fix anything.

Nothing I do here will change how I feel.

Without thinking it through, I rush upstairs, grab the nearest traveling bag I can find and stash a couple of tops and dresses in there. In a second, I'm out the door before I can change my mind.

I need to get out of here, out of this place. Or I will suffocate with memories I can't escape.

I don't call mom to tell her I'm on a plane to hers, but that doesn't make anything easier.

I wonder what she will say: I knew that marriage of yours was a joke from the start, I knew you couldn't keep your man. I told you that the woman was trouble.

Maybe I shouldn't tell her the part about Abby being the reason it all fell apart? Well, she is not --- my marriage was over long before I realized and Abby was only trying to help.

But it took me weeks to finally get it and now I don't know how to get her back.

Or if I should even try to.

She probably hates me.

I try to clear my mind the entire flight, but it's useless. Zack and Abby swirl together in my head. The way he hurt me, the way I've hurt her.

The way I keep hurting myself by holding on to something that's already gone.

He is probably moved on by now with the secretary and I'm here sulking.

When we land, I catch a can home. I feel a flood of relief flood through me when I step up the front door of the familiar house.

But my childhood memories coming flooding and I'm starting to second guess this impulsive trip.

"Mom?" I call out when I barge in since no one was answering the door.

"Simone?" she asks, turning around with a smile that fades when she sees my face.

Wow, what a surprise.

Is she really trying to pretend like she cares?

"You've lost some weight." She observes, her eyes raking my body up and down.

I swallow. This was a terrible idea.

"Zack divorced me," I blurt out, my eyes shutting as I wait for her mockery.

But the kitchen is silent, so I force my eyes to open. Mom is staring at me, two lines deep on her forehead.

She sets the mug down gently. Her eyes soften, but with real concern this time.

"Baby," is all she says and before I know it, I'm being scooped into her arms.

My heart sinks to my stomach. I haven't hugged her in so long I forgot how good it feels.

When she pulls away, she lifts my face and kisses my forehead. "I'm glad you're home."

Mom doesn't push me to say anything, instead she prepares a scented bath that brings the nostalgia. She makes my favorite chicken soup and after dinner, she gives me a cup of coffee.

This is all new to me. I didn't expect her to be so caring. Is this it? It would take my divorce to get her to finally care about me?

I hate the sick thought.

"I'm sorry," she breaks the silence as we sit to watch Tv. Her voice is tender and patient.

But my mouth isn't so before she says anything else, I find myself spilling it all out.

About Zack, how our relationship has been dead for months or even years but I still can't seem to cut the last thread.

About Abby, how being with her had opened something in me I didn't even know was there, but it's complicated and messy and I'm scared.

When I finish, I look up at her, expecting judgment or disappointment. But instead, she surprises me. She's quiet for a moment, and then she shakes her head with a small smile.

"I'm surprised you two lasted this long," she says, her voice carrying a mix of sadness and relief. "You and Zack... you were always so different, Simone. I could see it, even if you couldn't. You held on for so long, thinking that's what love was. But sometimes, the best thing you can do for yourself is let go."

Her words hit me harder than I expected. I thought she would tell me to fight for it, to try harder, to fix things. But instead, she's telling me it's okay to walk away.

"I always thought you were afraid to be alone," she continues, her eyes searching mine. "But now I see that maybe you were afraid of something else---of being with someone who truly understands you. Maybe that's what's scaring you about Abby."

I blink, caught off guard. I did not expect Abby to come up. Not after she warned me to stay away from her.

"What do you mean?"

"You found love, Simone. It might be that it's real, the kind that challenges you, the kind that scares you because it means being vulnerable. And Zack...he was the love you knew. But Abby... she's something different. Something new."

I open my mouth but close it again. I don't know what to say.

Mom watches the hesitation on my face.

"I know I sound weird giving you advice on love. I wasn't lucky enough to have it for myself but you---" She cups my cheek. "I want you to find love my sweetheart. I want you to find love for both of us."

My eyes well up at the gentleness in her voice.

Mom, where have you been all this while? I want to ask but if being married to Zack has taught me anything, it's to live in the moment. So, I don't say a word, I savour this because it might never come again. Maybe she's right.

"But what if I'm making a mistake?" I ask after a while. "What if letting go of Zack means losing something I'll never get back?"

Mom smiles. "Simone, life is too short to live in fear. You can't hold on to something just because you're afraid of the unknown. If Zack was meant to stay in your life, you wouldn't be letting him go in the first place."

I stare at her. She's right. I've been dragging this out for so long because I'm scared---scared of losing Zack, scared of falling for Abby, scared of being alone.

But maybe what I need to do is stop being scared. Maybe I need to let go of the past so I can finally start living in the present.

"I don't know what I'm doing," I admit. "I don't even know who I am anymore."

"You'll figure it out," she says softly. "And when you do, you'll see that the only person you've ever needed to hold on to is yourself."

Tears prick at my eyes, and for the first time in weeks, I feel like I'm not so lost after all.

Maybe I just need to let go of my past even when it's not going to be simple.

"Baby steps sweetheart," Mom says like she just read my mind.

I smile, leaning into her touch.

Baby steps indeed.

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Well.... Don't come at me for makimg mom.lesd annoying lol.