I take a hot shower and feel myself relax a little, and without overthinking it, I touch both of my hands to my lower belly. I still can't believe there's a baby growing up inside me. Greg and I had always had sex without a condom since I've always been on the pill, so it never occurred to me to use one with Lucas.

So yeah, talk about timing.

"I promise you I'm not crazy," I whisper to the baby. "Just trying to make sense of everything."

When I'm done, I blow dry my hair, put on some comfortable pajamas, and plop on my bed. I feel suddenly exhausted and soon sleep engulfs me.

I wake up to the sound of the bell ringing. Looking around, I see it's already dark. "Damn!" I get up and head to the living room.

"Hi." I open the door wide to let Lucas in. "Sorry, I fell asleep."

"It's fine. I tried to call you but I think your phone is dead," he says, his eyes on me.

"Shit! I forgot to call my parents to let them know I made it home safely." I open my bag that is tossed in a corner of my flat and get my phone and charger. "I'll just need a second to..." I plug my phone in and send my mom a quick text.

"So you spent the weekend with them?" he asks, and I swear he sounds a bit nervous.

He is freshly showered, his hair still wet, and he is wearing a pair of old sweatpants and a dark blue t-shirt. Nothing I haven't seen before, yet I can help but check him out. 

"Yeah, I went up there for a visit and..." I start and then realize we are both awkwardly standing in the middle of the living room.

"Have you eaten? I could really eat a pepperoni pizza right now," I ask, pretty sure I'm blushing.

"I could eat." He fights a smile while I dial the pizza place around the corner.

I feel his eyes studying me, so I busy myself looking for God knows what inside my bag while I place the order.

"It will be here in about thirty minutes. Uh... have a seat." I motion for him to sit on the sofa before sitting down myself.

I fold a leg under the other and turn my body to him. He soon mimics my pose so we're both facing each other. "So, how are you?" I ask.

"Been working a lot lately." He rubs two fingers over his lips to hide a smirk.

"Why are you smiling?" I murmur.

"Why are you nervous?" He raises his eyebrows.

"I'm not nervous." I stand up and head to the kitchen to get myself a glass of water.

"Last time I saw you, you almost punched me in the face. Now you are fidgeting, can't really look at me in the eyes..." I hear him following me but I don't turn around.

Taking a deep breath so I don't cry, I say, "I know."

"Alexia, look at me," he says from behind me and I do as he says. "I've missed you so much. I know I really fucked this time, but... God, Alexia. I love you and-"

"Lucas." I close my eyes for a second, stopping him. "I... I'm pregnant." I look at him and see his eyes widen.

"What?" he whispers.

"I'm pregnant," I speak louder this time and it finally sinks in. "Jesus, I'm pregnant! I'm having a baby. I am, Lucas! I am having this baby!" I start babbling and nodding, and then I realize he hasn't really said anything.

"Lucas?" I whisper, feeling the tears on my cheek.

"You're pregnant." His eyes move all over my body and stop on my lower belly.

"I'm keeping it," I say, and he recoils as if I had slapped him.

"You thought- God, Alexia! You thought I would've told you to..." He shakes his head, letting out a quick breath.

"I'm just saying that you can choose if you want to be involved or not but-"

"What do you mean I can choose? This is my child! Of course, I'm involved!" He pulls his hair using both hands and stares at the ceiling for some time before looking at me. "When did you find out?"

"On Sunday. I went to visit Lisa, actually. But decided to have lunch with my parents. Anyway, we drank a lot on Saturday night and then I woke up with a huge hangover on Sunday morning. I didn't think much of it, but then I started feeling sick every time I smelled food. Next thing I know, I passed out and woke up at the hospital with my mom telling me I'm pregnant."

"Are you feeling better now?" He eyes my lower belly again, a small smile on his lips as if he's also trying to process everything.

"I am now," I say.

"Good!" He looks at me as if he wants to say more but keeps silent.

"Okay." I look down.

"I got rid of her stuff this weekend," he says, and my head snaps toward his face so fast I feel a little dizzy.

"Oh, Lucas. That was not-"

"I kept some photos in an album for Nate and he has a picture of her in his bedroom... but I got rid of the things I still had at my parents' and in my room. You know, the ones that were only for me. I finally understood what you were trying to say. I just..."

"Oh."

"I drove to her parents' last weekend and gave them some of her stuff. I told them I'd love her forever, but that I needed to move on, that I was so tired... I told them that I found a perfect girl, and that I let her go because of all this guilt I carry deep inside." He keeps looking at me and I see how broken he is. His eyes are shining with unshed tears and it takes everything in me not to touch him.

"They said I never deserved her, but for the first time, I questioned them. Because we were happy together, you know? For as long as we were together, we were happy. So I told them I hoped they found peace one day because I was tired of fighting the peace I found with you."

"Lucas." I feel my lips trembling, but I'm afraid to let go of the resentment I've been carrying inside since the day he broke up with me.

"I found peace the day I met you," he whispers, getting so close, our bodies are almost touching.

"You hurt me so bad." I look down, fully crying now. "I never meant I wanted you to forget her. To pretend she never existed. I just needed-"

"I know. I know. I took it wrong because I was afraid to let go of the guilty I've been carrying for so long, and that's on me." I hear his voice grow thicker. "I just... I want to have a chance to make it right again. I'm so tired of feeling like this... I want to move on. For the first time since she died, I really feel like I'm ready to move on."

"I don't want you to be with me because you feel you have to now that I'm pregnant." I shake my head and force myself to look at him.

"I love you!" I feel him touching my belly. "And I love this baby already. I came here intending to make things right. I was ready to beg you if needed. And now you tell me you're carrying my child, and I feel like the luckiest guy in the world" He presses his forehead to mine.

"You made me doubt us again," I whisper, and I feel him taking a deep breath.

"My feelings for you, Alexia? They scare the hell out of me. I've never felt for anyone what I feel for you. This is so much more." He pulls a little and uses both of his hands to hold my face, so I have no option but to look at him.

"I panicked," he continues. "After I met you, I'd go days without thinking about her when before she was all I could think about. Nate would say something funny and I wanted you to be there to hear. I didn't even think of her... I wanted you there. Then you talked about her picture... God, that picture had me grounded since her death. It was a reminder of what I had done. You pointing out it was there just made me realize how fucked up I was."

"It was not your fault, Lucas! How many times does it need to be said so you'll believe it?" I hold his waist, shaking him a little.

"I'm working on that." He nods. After talking to her parents, I went back to my parents' place to pick up Nate. My mom was waiting for me. She said I broke up with the love of my life before she even got the chance to meet her." He chuckles humorlessly, and I search his eyes.

"She said you wouldn't wait forever for me to man up, that it was time I talked to someone about Monica's death, that I deserved to be loved..." He says, and I close my eyes for a second before he goes on.

"I just had my first therapy session earlier in the morning," he says, gauging my reaction, and to say I'm surprised is putting it mildly."

"That's great, Lucas," I say.

"I don't know how or if it's going to work, but I'm willing to try anything to be a better man for you."

"I'm- I don't know what to say." I bite my lips nervously.

"Say you'll give me a chance to be the man you deserve me to be. I still have a long way ahead, but I feel like I'm finally ready to talk about it with someone. I'm not telling you I'm not still a little fucked up or that we don't need to rebuild our relationship. I'm just saying that I love you, that I'm sorry I hurt you, that the possibility of losing you... I guess I'm just asking for a chance." He touches his nose to mine.

"Lucas..." I try to pull away and he presses my back against the counter, gently blocking my way.

"Please," he whispers, his mouth so close to mine that I can feel the mint on his breath. "Say you'll try. I don't want to lose you. I can't lose you..."

"This is not fair," I say when I feel him rubbing his nose on my shoulder, then kissing the sensitive spot behind my neck. When he feels me shiver, he bites my neck slightly, making me moan. 

"Say yes." He sucks the area he's just bitten.

"Lucas!" I use my hands to push him away and put some distance between us.

"Sorry! Sorry!" He takes a step back but keeps his eyes on me. "I know it's a lot to process and you don't have to answer me now, okay? Just promise me you'll think about it. Let's talk some more. I know you don't really trust me right now - and you have all the right not to - But I meant everything I said. I love you. I want to make it right."

"Okay. Just give me some time to wrap my mind around everything." I smile at his hopeful face.

"All the time you need." He pulls me into a hug, making me sigh.

God, what do I do now? Can trust him with my heart again?

_____

A/N: *sighs* What would you do now if you were Alexia? Would you trust Lucas with your heart again?

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Celeste