The moment I left his place, I broke down in tears and I still can't pull myself together. I feel like my entire body is hurting, not only my heart. I'm lost and confused, and I don't know what to do. It all feels surreal like I'm having a bad dream and I'll wake up at any moment now.

I might've fallen asleep at some point, so I startle when I hear my alarm beeping. I don't have any energy left, but I force myself to get up and get ready for work. I've never cared for Monday mornings before, but today is just torture. I just wish I could sleep all day.

As I make my way to the bathroom, I check to see if I have a message from Lucas. Deep down, I knew he wouldn't text me, but it still hurts to see he hasn't tried to reach out.

I get ready fast, not really bothering if I look good or not. I know I must bottle up all the sadness I'm feeling because of the kids as soon as I get to school, but for now, I allow myself to feel down.

I lamely pause in front of his door, debating if I should knock and maybe try talking to him, but in the end, I just decide to go straight to work.

I don't see Nate during the day, opting to skip getting out of the classroom during my break. I have no idea of what Lucas has talked to him, so I just hide.

When I get home, I force myself not to cry. I've never felt so lonely, and I wonder how I'll survive without my family and friends near me.

I guess that's what adult life is all about in the end, trying to figure out how to go on, how to live, how to make decisions all by yourself.

I change from my work clothes to some yoga pants and a tank top and head for the balcony with my laptop. I work on my next lessons for a while, but my mind is actually on Lucas.

When Greg broke up with me, I was so shocked that I didn't accept the end of our relationship. I would always call or text him, asking him if we could meet and talk. It was one of the lowest moments of my life... begging someone to be with me when he clearly didn't want to, is something I will always regret doing.

It broke my heart every time he said it was over, and I promised myself I'd never do it again. So as much as I'm hurting right now, I want someone who wants to be with me.

And that's when I feel the sadness becoming anger.

God, I'm so angry at him for making me love him. For making me believe I was special. For making me believe he loved me back when he's clearly not willing to move on.

*****

The rest of the week was uneventful. I kept leaving home earlier than I'm used to so I didn't have to meet Lucas and Nate in the hall, and all my breaks were spent alone in my classroom.

It's Friday evening now, and I haven't had a decent meal since last Sunday. I feel depressed and miss Lucas like crazy, which makes me angry. I want to go back to his place and snuggle on the couch with him, but at the same, I want to slap him in the face.

Argh.

I'll go crazy if I don't leave this apartment, so I grab my purse and car keys. I'll drive to a nice restaurant, have some pretty good dinner by myself, maybe even a glass of wine.

He doesn't deserve me. I try to convince myself as I drive around the neighborhood. I'm not really dressed up and I couldn't care less when I park in front of a pleasant restaurant I've never been before, a couple of blocks away from my building.

"Hi, table for one, please." I greet the host.

"Good Evening, miss. Do you have a reservation?" She smiles.

"Uh, not really..." I look around the place and for a second I regret coming here by myself. The restaurant has an intimate feel and is packed of happy couples.

"Would you mind waiting at the bar for a while?" she asks.

"No, that's fine. I'll just try another place, thanks." I smile and turn to leave. Not at all ready for the sight of Lucas and Clare behind me.

"Alexia?" Lucas says, but my eyes are focused on her hand touching his arm.

"I should've really known better." I give them a sarcastic smile before leaving.

"Alexia, wait!" I hear Lucas saying from behind me, but I'm already running to my car.

"Alexia!" He holds my arms, yanking me to him.

"It's just a business dinner." He forces me to look at him.

"I don't care," I say, but I feel the tears falling and in this moment I hate myself for loving him.

"We are working on a project together and I couldn't concentrate at work-"

"How long have you two been working on this project together?" I narrow my eyes.

"What?" His eyes widen.

"How long?" I whisper.

"I don't know... about three weeks, I guess. I just-"

"And you were not going to tell me? Talk about double standards!" I try to get out of his hold, but I can't.

"You're hurting me!" I make sure to look right into his eyes so he knows what I really mean. He releases me immediately and before he can say anything else, I get inside my car and leave.

I don't know how long I've driven, but by the time I park my car in front of my building, I'm truly physically and emotionally exhausted.

Lucas is sitting on the floor in the hall, in front of my door, and I sigh when he stands up and stops in front of me.

"Where is Nate?" I ask.

"He is already sleeping... Are you okay?" he asks, making me snort.

"I'm great!" I give him a big fake smile.

"Look, I should've talked to you about the project, but we've worked together so many times, it never crossed my mind it would bother you. There is nothing going on between us. I'd never do that to you-"

"Well, you are free to go back to her. Isn't it what you want? A fuck buddy? It sure seems like she'd take you back."

"I don't want her!" he shouts, clearly frustrated.

"You know what? It wouldn't really matter if you don't want to be with her, right? You don't want ME! So I really should take the hint." I look deep into his eyes, and he looks away for a brief second before looking back at me.

"I'm doing what is right... what is best for you...." he whispers, and my heart stops for a second at the sadness in his voice.

"No! You're doing what is best for you, Lucas." I bite my lips, willing myself not to cry. I'm tired of suffering for a guy who doesn't want me for real.

"I'm sorry..." He shakes his head and goes back to his place.

I just wish he wouldn't take my heart with him.

_____

A/N: I know, right? Love can sure be a bit messy sometimes... *sighs*

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~Celeste