The rest of the weekend went just fine as I turned off my cell phone and focused on spending time with Lucas and his family. I sensed his sister was curious about Greg, but I decided not to mention anything. Lucas and I are good so that's what really matters.

Now we're back home and I'm at his place unpacking when I feel Lucas behind me.

"I was thinking we could go out to have dinner later." He lies down on the bed, getting comfortable.

"Where is Nate?" I smirk as he takes off his shoes.

"Napping." He gives me a devilish grin.

"I know that grin of yours..." I shake my head.

"Is that so?" He smiles, his eyes shining.

"Yes!" I throw one of his T-shirts at him.

"So, I was also thinking..." He turns to face me.

"Well, that's never a good sign..." I laugh, and he grabs my hand, pulling me to him on the bed.

"You know, that was the first thing I loved about you?" he says as he turns my body to him so we're facing each other.

"What?" I ask.

"You're never afraid to say what is on your mind." He runs his fingers through my hair.

"Hmmm..." I moan, closing my eyes.

"Well, that and those beautiful tits..." He laughs and I snort.

"You're such a guy." I smack his chest playfully but snuggle closer to him.

"Are you happy?" he asks after a while.

"What?" I open my eyes and focus on him.

"When we first met, you were trying to look all badass but I could see it in your eyes that you were devastated.... but now you look... I don't know... Are you happy here with me?"

"I hate I put all those insecurities in your mind, you know?" I touch my nose to his and I feel him relax.

"But I love you so much it scares me. My life was always so perfectly planned... But with you, I feel like I'm not in control. Like..."

"Hey, I love you," he whispers, holding my face with both hands so I have no option but to look at him.

"You still have her photo on this shelf and the one in your top drawer... I- I've seen the way you look at it when you think no one is looking," I whisper and force myself not to cry at his shocked face.

I feel horrible saying it out loud, but it's been suffocating me. I've noticed the picture of them on the shelf the day I first slept here, and I tried to not let it bother me. But the one that is in his drawer just broke my heart.

I hate he feels so guilty and how he uses it as a way to punish himself. I'm afraid that this photo, and the memories it brings, will never really allow him to move on.

So as much as he loves me, I'm not sure he'll ever let go of the guilt and pain he's been carrying inside. I might not be an expert when it comes to relationships, but I just know the way he's using that photo to punish him is not healthy.

I took a good look at it a week before our trip, and my heart stopped for a second or two. She is sitting on his lap and looking at the camera, smiling. But that's not what got to me. It was the way Lucas was looking at her. As if she was his whole world. You can see the love pouring off of him and how young and full of life she was.

Deep down, there's also the jealousy. I know it's not logical. She is dead, for God's sake! But it's as if my brain and my heart can't seem to follow the same train of thought. My brain knows it's crazy, but my heart hurts thinking he'll never look at me like that. That somehow he'll never really be able to move on for good.

God, I just hate how jealous and torn I feel.

"Say something," I whisper, and he shakes his head.

"I'm sorry. I-" He clears his throat and stands up. "I'll put them in Nate's room. He has a box full of his mom's photos." He reaches for the one on the shelf and I see him taking a deep breath as if even touching the picture is too much for him.

"Do you still have many of her stuff?" I hate how small my voice sounds.

"Uh- yeah I- I still have some of her things at my mom's and..." He goes for the one in the drawer, but I stop him.

"Lucas, look at me." I touch his back and I hate when he flinches. I know I'm not being crazy. I just want him to know it bothers me seeing her photo here where we sleep and that I hate how much he uses it as a way to torture himself. I'm not telling him to erase her from his life.

"Are you okay?" I start, but the look in his eyes tells me everything I want to know. "I'll take some of my things to my place... I'll text you later about dinner."

"Okay." He looks down and I bite my lips so I don't cry.

He's not really willing to move on.

"Okay." I get my clothes from his bed and stuff them all in my bag.

Then I go to my place without looking back.

*****

When by nine o'clock I don't hear a word from Lucas, I know I'll be sleeping alone and in my own bed today. I alsoknow I told him I'd text him later today, but I want him to reach out first. I know being jealous about a dead woman is crazy, but a little reassurance from his part wouldn't hurt. He didn't even give me a chance to fully explain what I'm feeling. He just closed off.

I pour myself a glass of wine and head to my room. Everything feels odd here, and I hate how lonely I feel. I try to read, to listen to some music, but I'm restless. I can't stop thinking about him.

By eleven o'clock, I've had almost a full bottle of wine on an empty stomach and my feelings turn from sad to pissed. How dare he feel jealous of Greg? He and I are over. He came here, and I made it clear I didn't want him. That I loved Lucas. I've practically moved to his place. I adore his son. I spend all my free time with them. And he just- just... Argh! I'm going crazy.

Thinking what the hell I'm doing sitting here on my bed alone, I stand up and head to his place. He loves me. He wants me. He's said it time and time again. We should just talk.

When I unlock his door, I'm startled to see him sitting on his sofa in the dark living room, his eyes already on me.

"Lucas..." I hesitate before going to sit near him. "I'm sorry."

His eyes that have always told so much are void of emotions now.

"I can't do this, Alexia." He looks down, his voice pained.

"Do what?" My heart starts beating so fast I'm afraid I'll pass out.

"I can't choose between you and her." He swallows hard, still not looking at me, but I can see the distress in his face.

"I've never asked-" I touch his arms, but he interrupts as he stands up.

"But you will. And I won't erase her from our lives." His eyes are so hard that I have no idea who this man is.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Did you know our room at my parents' is still the same?" He narrows his eyes, his breathing going hard.

"What?"

"Yeah. That's where our son sleeps when he stays there. Those are his mom's memories. Because he'll never be able to have new ones. Never! Because I fucking killed her!

"Lucas, you-"

"Don't! Just don't! That's exactly what her parents told me would happen! Another woman would take her place and she would be forgotten. Our son would never have his real mother again, let alone the memories of her. Because of me!" He takes a deep breath as if to calm himself.

"This is not what is going on and you know it." I shake my head.

"I just know my son comes first." He looks down.

"Are you even listening to yourself? When have I ever made you feel like he shouldn't be your number one priority?" I stand up and stop in front of him.

"I can't do this." He looks down.

"So what? You're breaking up with me?" I ask in total disbelief.

"I'm sorry." He looks at me and for a second I see the love he said he had for me in his eyes. But it goes away too fast.

"Lucas." I gasp. This is clearly a bad dream!

"This is for the best. I'm not able to be what you deserve." He pulls his hair, looking at the ceiling.

"I can't believe you! So, what about all that talk of wanting more? Huh? Of loving me? Was that all some kind of bullshit? God, you're so not over her." I force myself not to shout, so Nate doesn't wake up. But there is no way I can stop the tears from falling.

"It's better if we do this now. I'm not right for you. I'm sorry." His voice is so cold. So detached, that I know there's no way to get to him.

"All right. I won't beg. But just so you know, I've never loved someone as I love you. And I would never try to take her place in Nate's life. I'd never try to pretend she never existed or anything like that. And you know it! You fucking know this!" I say before walking away and not looking back.

_____

 A/N: My heart!!! What do you guys think is going on in Lucas's mind now?

Thanks for reading!

xoxo

~Celeste