"Lucas..." I move closer to him, but he stands up.

I don't know what to say, because, damn! I can't imagine what he's been through. Death is a very hard concept for us, humans, to understand. It's part of who we are, a reminder at the end of each day, but at the same time, a force we all choose to ignore.

"It was so fucking stupid! A second, Alexia! A fucking second was all it took." He rubs his chest. "She was telling me something and unfastened her seat belt to take something from her bag she wanted to show me. I took my eyes off the road for a second to look at her... but a small truck ran over the red light and... It took me months to accept she was really gone." He takes a deep breath.

"Lucas..." I try to contain my tears, but it's impossible now.

"She died instantly." He brushes his eyes furiously with his hands. "And you know what is ironic? Nothing happened to me! How fair is that? The guy who ran over the red lights was held responsible for the accident. But..." He stands up and starts pacing the small living room.

"It was an accident, Lucas. You couldn't have ima-" I start but he interrupts me.

"An accident I caused! Please, don't sugarcoat it," he says, his eyes hard on me.

"I'm not. I'm just saying it's not healthy to carry so much guilt inside." I stand up and stop in front of him.

"I killed her!" He closes his eyes, looking down.

"I could say it again that was an accident, that you didn't kill her, that it was not your fault..." I press my hand to his cheek and rub my thumb under his eyes. "But I won't." I take a step back and his eyes wide in surprise. "You wouldn't believe me. You have to be able to learn how to deal with the guilt and regret you carry inside. No one can make you do anything. But I know it was an accident, and no matter how much you want something, there are things in life that are just out of your control."

"You think I should just happily live my life when I took away her chances to do the same?" He is breathing hard, but I know this anger is not directed at me. He's angry at himself.

"No. I'm saying you might have made a mistake when you took your eyes from the road that day, but you didn't do it on purpose. You didn't want to kill her!"

"You don't understand..." He shakes his head.

"You're right, I don't. I have no idea what you've been through." I take my bag from the sofa and kiss his cheek. He stills, and I know I must give him some time to himself.

"But I know one thing..." I keep going, "If she loved you as much as you loved her, I'm sure she would want you to forgive yourself and happily live your life," I whisper, afraid to have gone too far. He doesn't say anything, just keeps his eyes on me.

"I wish I was not so fucked up." He closes his eyes and brushes his hand on mine.

"I guess we all are a little, it's what we do with it that matters." I shrug.

"Maybe you're right... But.. I have no idea how to move on past this... I've never really wanted to before. And at the same time, I just hate myself for wanting you to myself when I don't know how to be the man I know you deserve to have." He shakes his head, looking down, as if just now realizing I'm holding my bag and ready to go.

"Please, don't go. I meant what I said early. I do want more from you... I just... It's just..."

"I know. I'm awesome," I tease, giving him a small smile, but my heart is hurting for him, for what it all means to us.

"You're impossible." He shakes his head, but I see a trace of a smile on his lips.

"What do you want from me? From us, Lucas? And please, I'm not talking about marriage and babies." I look into his eyes.

I know we've just met each other and that he has been through too much, but I'm so afraid to get closer to him. I can't seem to stop kissing him and he is so easy to be around I could see myself falling for him. But then what? If it's just about physical attraction, I might as well finish it here. I'm still healing from my last relationship. I'm not sure I'm ready to have my heart broken all over again.

I wish I knew how to be less demanding, but after having your heart broken once, you need to learn how to protect it. My life was good, and I thought I was happy with Greg. But one day it was not enough for him anymore. I still feel responsible for it, but I am trying to move on.

Lucas, however, has never accepted Monica's death, and I understand he will love her forever. She was his first love, the mother of his son. But is he ready to move past grief and guilt? Will he be one day?

"I want you. Isn't it enough for now?" he whispers.

"I'm afraid," I say, wondering if this is actually enough for now.

"Me too. I've never opened up like that after her. I know you're not totally ready yet, and I'm convinced I'm not what you need... but I want you. I want you so much. I don't want to fight it anymore." He searches my eyes, and I can see he is trying, as messy as everything is right now.

"I don't want to fight it either, but- "

"I know I'm asking for too much, but let's take one day at a time... I don't know... We're both feeling this... Let's..."

"Okay," I whisper, praying I won't regret putting my heart out there again.

"Come here." He takes a deep breath.

"I think I'll get going... It's late."

"You really have to go?" He gives me a small smile, and I nod. I need some time to process everything that has happened tonight.

"I have to wake up early tomorrow," I say.

"Okay." He brushes his lips to mine.

"Thanks for trusting me enough to open up about her," I say, hoping he can see how much it meant to me.

"Thank you for listening." He comes closer and presses his forehead to mine, his nose touching mine slightly.

"Thanks for trusting me enough to open up," I whisper.

"What is it about you, Alexia?" He kisses my chin, making me sigh.

"Lucas?" I whisper.

"Yeah?"

"This," I say, before pressing my lips to his.

*****

As soon as I get home, I put my phone to charge and pass out on my bed. I wake up before my alarm and head straight to the shower.

I get to my classroom early and I'm checking some papers when I hear a knock on the door.

"Hey," Sophie says.

"Hi, is everything okay with your friend?" I ask.

"She is a mess, but I really think she is better without him. Anyway, I just wanted to apologize for yesterday. My friends are coming to my house on Saturday night for drinks and I was hoping you'd like to join us." She smiles.

"Oh, I don't want to intrude..."

"Please! It's really low key, just a couple of friends hanging out. John is coming too, so it's not like you won't know anyone."

"Well.." I don't know if Lucas has planned something for us, but I know I need to start making some new friends.

"Please!" she blinks playfully, making me laugh.

"Well, I'd love to," I say and take my phone from my bag to save her number and address before we both start our days.

****

Time goes by quickly, and once again I feel happily tired after a day of work. The kids are great to work with and I can't wait for tomorrow. I'm putting the last of my belongings in my bag when I decide to send a text to Lucas to know what they've been up to.

ME: Hi there, would you guys like to have dinner at my place today? :)

I wait for some time and when I don't get an answer; I get my things and leave for the day. The moment I get to my car, though, my phone starts ringing.

"Hi," I answer.

"Lexy," he says after a second, and I scold myself for not checking the number first. I'm not ready to talk to him, but I can't just hang up. He doesn't deserve it. It's not like he is a bad person.

He is just not in love with me anymore.

"Greg," I say, willing my heart to stop beating so fast.

"Hi," he whispers, and I can't take it. I'm so not ready for this.

"What do you want?" I try to sound strong, but it comes out as a whisper.

"I- I wanted to see how you're doing..."

"Oh, now you care?" I scoff.

"I've always cared about you-"

"Well, you have a nice way of showing it."

"Please, don't be like that..." he whispers.

"I can't do this, Greg. I have to go."

"I talked to your parents..."

"What?"

"They said you got the job, that you rented the apartment by yourself," he says as if waiting for me to continue.

"When did you talk to them?" I don't know what he expects me to say, but I'm not talking about my life with him.

"I called them right after you moved. I felt like I owed them some kind of explanation."

"Okay, anything else?" I ask because I know he is expecting some kind of reaction from me.

"I - no.. I sent you an email to see how you were doing, but you didn't answer it. I- I hope you're happy...." He whispers, and my heart breaks all over again.

"Humph!" I bite my lower lip so strongly I taste blood. "Bye, Greg."

Why does he have to call me? I think to myself as I sit in my car. After all this time, he never called, never seemed to care about me and the life we had planned together.

Damn it!

Not ready to go home, I call Lisa.

"Hey girl," she answers after the first ring, and I feel the tears I was so strongly holding inside falling freely from my eyes.

"Greg called..." I wipe my tears away, refusing to cry for him again.

"What? What did he want?" She feels as shocked as me, and it somehow makes me feel good.

"I don't know. He said he talked to my parents, that he felt like he owed it to them. He told me he hopes I'm happy."

"Okay. I don't get why he needed to call you to say that but... What did you say to him?"

"Nothing. I hung up," I say, feeling a little calmer.

"Honey, I know I've said you have to move on, but it's okay to feel sad sometimes. You guys have been together for years..." She says, and I realize I haven't mentioned Lucas to her.

"I met someone," I blurt, making her gasp.

"You what?" She shouts, and I tell her everything about Lucas.

"Wow, I don't even know what to say," she says, making me smile. She has always had so many things to say that it's not every day you see her speechless.

"Do you think it's too fast? I've just met him..." I say.

"Well, what if it is? I could tell you to take a step back, but I can see you're already into deep. Just be careful, okay? I know you want to have your perfect happily ever after, but this is real life, nothing, and nobody is perfect."

"I just want to be happy, you know? I don't want to be alone," I whisper my deepest fear.

"I know, and you deserve that, hun. Just live one day at a time, okay?"

"Thank you for always being there for me." I smile and thank God for having her in my life.

"Always! I love you!"

"Love you too. I'm driving home now. I'll call you later."

"Take care, girl!" she says, and I hang up just in time to see I got a text from Lucas.

LUCAS: We'd love to ;)

_____

A/N: So  Greg, huh?

Thanks so much for all the support! You guys are the best! ❤️

XOXO

Celeste