RILEY

Flashback
September 4, 2023
Labor Day

"I'm heading back out there." Cole said, his helmet was on his head while we were on FaceTime.

I looked from his reddened cheeks then to the road in front of me. "Okay, I'm pulling onto our street. Wish me luck."

"Good luck even though you don't need it. I'll be able to reach out soon." Cole added and I knew he meant it.

"Yeah, yeah. Okay. Cool." I was grinning when I hung up and parked my car outside.

And God, I was dreading going inside our house.

I was back where I never felt like I could eat whatever I wanted... to have dinner with my mother.

I shifted the car off and killed the engine. My binder sat on the passenger seat filled with notes of dates and eras from long lectures with my art history professor. Mid-terms were coming up and I didn't want to cram and skim. I was studying one month before which was why I was taking my materials with me.

I got out of the car with my binder in one arm and my keys in the other. I exhaled deeply when I stared up at my mother's red brick house. All my childhood memories were held within its walls. The exterior was withstanding snow throughout all the years and so were my feelings. It stood out from the other homes in our neighborhood even though most of them were brick homes as well. The colors were a contrast to the green grass and trees that were in the area.

I opened the front door and stepped inside. The first thing I saw was a picture of my mother and her new husband Fernando. She was smiling bright in a simple yet elegant white dress. Fernando wasn't smiling, he just looked emotionless, at least to me. The background of the photo exposed the beautiful stonework and grand stairway that I bet was taken at the courthouse. I wasn't there and neither was Cole. Mom wanted it to be just her and Fernando.

"Riley?" My mother's voice called.

"Yeah, it's me."I closed the front door and ventured further into the house. It was hard to identify a specific scent. "Why did you leave the door unlocked? Anyone could've walked in."

"You're probably right. I knew you were coming so I did. I'm in the kitchen!"She yelled.

I stopped in the living room and there he was. Fernando. Seated in the arm chair that was near the Van Gogh painting of Starry Night. His legs were crossed, his salt and pepper beard caught my attention as brushed his fingers through. He wore the same expression on the photograph I just saw. Flat. Emotionless.

My mother walked in before I could say anything and she didn't look at me. She went straight to Fernando and caressed his face. They exchanged words and she left the room. When she returned, she was holding a short glass in her right hand and she handed it over to him. "Just the way you like it." The way she spoke made me want to throw up. All small.

My stomach twisted. I couldn't believe I was being a witness of this with another husband of hers.

I noticed that Fernando didn't say thank you. I noticed that he didn't smile at her. He took the drink and kept his attention on the television. It frustrated me. I didn't know how long the honeymoon stage lasted or what it was like for newlyweds but I assumed this wasn't it. I felt like I walked in on a loveless marriage.

"How was the traffic?" Mom had finally noticed me and I shifted my attention from her husband to her big green eyes.

"Not too bad."I answered, my grip tightened around my binder. "I'm right here."

My mother nudged her husband in the arm. "This is my daughter, Riley. My son's at some hockey thing so he couldn't make it."

She didn't even know. Her saying 'some hockey thing' made my blood sizzle.

Fernando didn't look at me. "Hi Riley."

Regardless, I tried to be polite. "Hello."

I didn't feel like I wanted to sit down on the couch so I stood still. "So, Fernando, how did you meet my Mom?"I've never had a one on one with him and now that I'm meeting him for the first time since their marriage, I needed to ask. It was just so strange that my mother married a man I didn't even know. Never met until after their wedding. Something was fishy. Not normal.

Fernando straightened in the arm chair. "We met in the parking lot of a grocery store. She was loading her bags—

Mom corrected him and chuckled about it. "That was the second time, my love. The  first time was at the bar and we were both having just a shitty day, remember? We didn't exchange numbers until you saw me again in the parking lot of the grocery store nearby, don't you remember?"

I cleared my throat. "Yeah, couldn't be that long ago right?"

Fernando rubbed his hand over the back of his head. "Oh, yeah."He said and he laughed too. "I remember. You had red lips, yes?"

It was bullshit.

I looked at my mother. "Can I talk to you for a second?"

"Yeah, come on." She walked to the kitchen and I followed.

The moment she bent over to access the oven, I said. "He's not the one."

"What?" I heard her laugh but I wasn't joking.

I tried to say it nicely. "It just seems like he's using you."Then I added lightly. "He doesn't seem to care about you. I mean he doesn't remember exactly when you two met. I don't know...It's just a vibe about him. I can tell he doesn't and I barely know him."

She retrieved the food from the oven and dropped it—golden brown chicken— on the counter. "I can't believe you would say that. You don't need to be judgmental about someone you haven't gotten to know. You've been here all of what? Two minutes!"

"Your judgment has been distorted with this... new marriage." When has she ever had good taste in men? "He doesn't have a job, you're serving him and I'm a hundred percent sure he relaxes and that's what you do, bring him stuff on a regular basis. Two minutes was enough to gather that information."

She ripped the red oven mitts off her hand. "So what if I do that? He's my husband. Isn't that what I'm supposed to do?"

I hated what she said. How she said it. "You can't even see it. He doesn't appreciate what you do for him. I thought I should give my opinion, it's ridiculous, truly. I know it sounds like I'm a hater but I'm being honest. You got married way too quickly and you know it. Do you even know his family?"

My mother shook her head. "Riley, I don't need your opinion. Not right now. I'm not a child."

I blew raspberries. "Okay. Fine."

"What is this about? I mean, seriously what's with the attitude? Stop being a self centered brat Riley."There she was. Dolores. "For once."

I laughed and stared at her. Her words triggered something inside of me. "I'm a self centered brat? Maybe you should look in the mirror, Mom. You're the selfish one! You've always been!"My voice raised high and angry. "You get these guys and then get married and boop you put them over me! Over Cole! They get all your attention and in this case he does. You walked right past me and only remembered that I existed after you were done attending to him!"

She opened one of the drawers and aggressively tossed the mitts inside. "That's what this is about? Riley, my husband is important. You're at college, you're gonna have your own life and I have mine to take care of. I'm taking care of my husband and I don't care if you don't like him, that's why he's 'my' husband. He's here to stay and you're gonna have to get over it. So drop it."

I couldn't believe her. She wasn't listening. "Isn't that what you said about the last two?"

"What the hell is wrong with you? You're not in high school and I won't tolerate your behavior anymore!" She screamed at me, the veins in her neck peaked.

"I'm trying to help you!" I screamed back, matching her tone. "Which is more than you deserve for how you treated me and Cole and you're not even listening to wha—

"That's enough!"She lifted an arm up into the air. "I don't want to hear it. I'm so fucking over your shit, Riley. Get out. You don't like my choices and my husband? Great. You can leave. You don't need to be here. You don't run my life, I do."

"Of course, but you ran mine, remember? What I ate, what I couldn't? What I couldn't touch because it was for... what's your ex husband's name again? The second one? Blake?"

Her face twisted. "You don't know what you're talking about."

"I do. Face it Mom, you can't think when you're in relationships and you put your boyfriends or husbands over your own children. Every. Single. Time." I allowed the words to hit the air. "You want me to leave? Fine. Done. I don't want to be here anyway." I marched out of the kitchen and to the front door.

"You're cut off!"She yelled at my back that was turned. "I will cut you off the minute you walk out that door Riley and I swear to God I will never financially support you ever again."

I stopped in my tracks, I was squeezing my binder so hard my palm could've bleed. I turned around and stared right at her. "I don't care!" I tried my hardest to stay where I was and not go inches to her face. "You can't throw your money at your problems Dolores! I don't want your cooperate money, don't you fucking get it?"

She nodded and pointed at the door. "Good! Get out!"

I stared at her husband, he was still watching the TV. I didn't know if he heard and decided to ignore the screaming match. Then I looked at my mother, really looked at her. "Fuck you."I said and I meant it. I threw my middle finger up. "I hate you. I hate you so fucking much I'm never coming back and I never ever want to see your sad excuse of a mother's face ever again!"

"You have no respect Riley and you never have!" She shouted when my hand held the door handle. "What daughter would do something like this? I should've known you couldn't show up for dinner and be nice for once!"

"I'm here for Cole!" I screamed and then I took one final look at her while I opened the front door. "And if you're wondering what daughter would do this just know that daughters who are over their awful mothers."I claimed, the wind rushed in. "I'm so over you and you know what? I wish you never had me so from this moment on, consider me dead because to me, you're six feet under."

I didn't stay to hear her response, I walked out and slammed the door hard enough for her picture frames to fly off the walls.

(End of flashback)

Seeing Dolores again just brings back my worst memories. The last time I saw her felt final.

She doesn't notice me and I can't avoid or ignore her so I walk right up to her. "What are you doing here?" I know she'll recognize my voice.

She does and she looks up, pulls a hand from her expensive trench coat and smiles. She fucking smiles. "I know I don't get mother of the year award—"

"You don't,"I cut her off immediately. Maybe I don't want to hear her speak even though I asked her a question. "You never have."

She licks her lips and nods like she's taking my blows. "I thought I should show up. I got emails and I thought why not show up for my daughter." I want to laugh when she says it. "I know it doesn't make sense to you."

"It doesn't."I sound harsh but I don't care. I've never had a real, great relationship with her. "I didn't want you here."

Younger me would've screamed and cried of happiness to see her finally step out and support me. Being somewhere with me admiring what I love. To see her celebrate me for something I'm proud of. I'd be the happiest kid in the world to see her coming to art fairs and festivals with me, showing up when my paintings were on display in high school and when I was in middle school. She's never done that and now here she was and I didn't need her to be. Not anymore.

She sighs, and I watch her recognize Cole but he's silent now and so are my friends. "Riley, we're going to see each other eventually."

I'm quick to say, "Not if I can help it."

"We need to talk..."She trails off, clearing her throat. "The way we left things didn't feel right. It still doesn't feel right."

I shake my head. "Finals. Can't."

"I get it, Riley. You hate me. I do too okay?"Her voice shakes as she says it. "I'm sorry. I won't stay and ruin your moment. It's clear you don't want me here. But whenever you decide to talk... I mean, I hope you do. Find me or you can unblock me?"

Find her? I would never go back there. To that house. But she doesn't wait for me to say it out loud, she just adds in a soft raspy voice. "Congratulations. You're still a talented girl. You're still my daughter, Riley."She glances around for one more minute before she steps away from me. I watch her squeeze Cole's arm before she lets go and walks out.

I'm this close to thinking I've imagined it all. But I know I didn't, she was here. Cole immediately touches my wrist. "Are you okay?"He asks, and I know he's checking to see if my throat is holding back a sob. "I didn't know she was going to be here. I know you didn't want her to be."

"I'm fine." I smile it off.  He was right, she's the only person who makes me cry but not today. "Let's look at my paintings, shall we?"

When I look at my friends, I could tell that they couldn't believe that my mother actually showed up.

I cross my arms over, "Why are you guys just standing? Start admiring." I chuckle.

Yup, today is about me. Not my mother.