James was just sat on his bed. His head in his hands and for the first time in what felt like so long, he was actually crying. His face hidden thanks to the gloom of his room. A soft sob escaping his lips despite his attempts to swallow the lump and blink back tears. He just didn't know what to think or what to even do anymore. Ella was his best friend and now he lost her because he couldn't control his stupid mouth but... she had lied. She had become everything that James didn't want.

     He fell back against the bed, his arm falling over his face as he tried to catch his breath. His tears still falling steadily as the door opened and closed. James half-expected it to be Ella. He wanted it to be Ella but as he sat up, he saw that it was Sirius. The black-haired boy tilted his head as he watched James wipe his eyes and sigh.

     "Yeah?" James asked. Sirius gently shook his head at James' cover-up and walked over, sitting down next to him on the bed. The silence between them out drawing out for far too long, "I'm not in the mood for whatever you want to suggest..." James admitted. Sirius sighed and looked to James.

     "Do you really think I don't care about the girls I sleep with?" Sirus asked, moving his gaze to James' face. The curly-haired brunette looked more dishevelled than Sirius had ever seen him. Usually James took rejection and argument well except when he was drunk but that was besides the point. He looked broken by the words they had exchanged and Sirius didn't entirely know what to say. So, he did what he did best, asked about himself.

     "No." James said. His tone was blunt and Sirius knew that he wasn't lying then at least. James pushed his fingers through his hair and wiped the tears from his cheeks. He felt like such an idiot, "I was just angry and confused and taken aback. I didn't mean it..." He added, resting his hands on his lap. A soft breathe escaping his lips as he tried to control his breathing.

     "You do." Sirius muttered. He wasn't sure if he was really just protecting how he felt about himself onto James but the looks he recieved sometimes showed it all. Sirius had always been a player of sorts, he enjoyed flirting and with the family he had escaped, he wanted nothing more than to not be attached to anything. But he was and pretending he wasn't attached to girl's made it easier. Made it easier but made everyone else think he was an asshole.

     "Sirius." James said, his voice serious as he looked at his friend. Thery didn't often have heart-to-hearts but James knew that now might be the time to actually admit the truth, "I don't. You just, how you act with girls isn't how I acted with Ella. I didn't mean it to come out as harsh as it did. I didn't mean it that way." He attempted to explain himself but he felt like his words came out wrong. His mind jumbled as he fumbled over what to say. He was always so composed usually but his emotions were causing him to stumble and fumble and lose focus. His tongue felt heavy in his mouth, paralysed and unable to speak.

     "How did you act with her?" Sirius asked. He wanted to be able to love someone the way James clearly loved Ella - even if he wouldn't admit it. Maybe finding out how he acted would help Sirius but also make James see that he was in love with Ella or at least realise why she had fallen so hard for him. It was clear she had fallen very hard and there was nobody to catch her.

     "I don't know. I thought it was pretty normal..." James shrugged as he fell back onto the bed. Discussing his sex life and relationship with Ella felt wrong especially with Sirius of all people but he had nobody else to talk to this about. Mia wouldn't approve of their friends with benefits relationship, it would be just as bad if he spoke to Remus or Peter.

     "Did you kiss her outside of the sex?" Sirius asked, leaning back to look down at the boy through the gloom. James' hand resting over his eyes as he let out a few deep breaths. His chest rising and falling steadily now.

     "Obviously." James muttered and Sirius gently shook his head disapprovingly. An action that James didn't see at all.

     "Did you cuddle her afterwards?" Sirius asked, already seeing James mistakes that were clearly only going to get worse.

     "Well... yeah... obviously." James muttered, a slight awkwardness to his tone. He let his hand fall away from his face and when he met Sirius' disapproving gaze, his face fell. Well, he had clearly messed something up.

     "No. Not obviously. You're meant to leave each other or lie apart. Not cuddle." Sirius muttered. He was at expert at not getting attached it seemed so he could at least pass that wisdom on to his less experienced best friend.

     "Oh." James muttered, letting out a frustrated huff. He then pushed himself to stand up, pacing across the room. His hands burying in the pockets of his pyjama pants. He already felt so stupid, "I just, it felt nice to cuddle with her." James said, his voice quiet and low. It was almost like he didn't want to be heard but Sirius couldn't miss it.

     "Nice, how?" Sirius asked. Maybe this would get them somewhere. James was in love with Ella, everyone knew that except the pair of them. It was beyond frustrating for Sirius and Ella's feelings confirmed what everyone already knew. That they were fucking behind everyone's back and they had fallen for each other.

"She was always warm and her bo- yeah no I just found it very comfortable to sleep next to her. She made me feel safe and happy and it felt... right..." James said, cutting himself off before he said too much to Sirius. He was his best friend but James didn't want to share the intimate details of him and Ella to him. It was meant to stay between them.

     "Are you sure you don't love her?" Sirius asked, tilting his head as James paced across the room. The words making James' stop. His own words echoing back and the look of pure pain on Ella's face when he said them.

     "Sirius..." James muttered, trying to wave him off as he turned to face away from the shaggy-haired boy. Sirius rolled his eyes and pushed himself off the bed.

     "You should feel bad. She's sobbing." Sirius said as he crossed over to James. The brunette now leaning against his dresser as he stared off out of the windows. The sky was gloomy and cloudy. No hint of the stars at all.

     "Mate... please don't. What would I even say to her? I can't go to her, I'd just get angry and stupid again," James muttered. His gut twisting and his heart aching as he looked back to Sirius.

     "You need to hear the truth. You broke her fucking heart. No wonder she didn't want to admit it before now." Sirius said and James sighed. He didn't even want to think about how much time they had spent lying to each other. He enjoyed the time they spent together but now everything felt different, the entire relationship had shifted. The lies, the feelings, the cuddling and nights together. Everything was different.

     "She lied to me."

     "To protect you."

      "I can see why she's a Gryffindor." James muttered as he moved away from the dresser. Discussing Ella when she wasn't around felt wrong but he had to get his feelings out somehow. He couldn't talk to her, she hated him and she was angry at him. It would end in someone getting more hurt and he only wanted one kind of mark from her.

      "She's braver than you realise, just not in the traditional way." Sirius nodded as he watched James wander across the room aimlessly.

     "I know. I wish she'd told me about this." James muttered as he kicked a random roll of parchment that was on the floor. He stood by the window and opened it, letting the cool breeze hit his face. He really shouldn't be talking about this. It was frustrating him more. He had lost his best friend and it was all because of their stupid relationship that wasn't even a relationship.

     "She always stands up for you, you know." Sirius said as he watched James' face. The anguish in his eyes and the way his fists clenched as they rested on the windowsill, "And just now, she stood up to you." He added after a moment. There wasn't a response from James so Sirius continued, "Not the nicest thing she could have done but she at least stood up."

    "I know." James muttered before he turned around to face Sirius. This whole situation was a complete disaster. James wanted to wake up and be at Hogwarts and all of this just be a dream. He couldn't deal with her feelings or his own feelings. Just the thought of it scared him. Why would anyone care for him in that way and out of everyone, why was it her? He was confused enough as it was.

     "Her heart was going to be broken either way. At least she tried to talk to you." Sirius argued. James rolled his eyes at his choice of words. They both knew it was more than just a 'talk'.

     "She shouted."

     "You didn't talk to her for four days."

     "I was confused."

     "You always are." Sirius scoffed and James gave him a side glare. Sirius just shrugged and James felt his nails dig into his palms. It was only making him feel worse. He didn't want to talk to Sirius anymore. He just wanted to be outside or away from home. He wanted this to be just some nightmare that he'd wake up.

     "I don't want to lose her as a friend." James muttered and Sirius rolled his eyes, "But I don't know what I'm supposed to say to her. I don't even know what I'm feeling, for Merlin's sake. She makes me feel like I'm home. What the fuck am I supposed to do?" He added after a moment. Sirius was almost shocked at his words. James was asking for advice, something he would never really do. Even if it was subtle, it was clear James was desperate for just anything.

    "What you always did." Sirius responded and James chuckled. The past few months were not a good thing to do. He wasn't going to go to her room and say sorry and start kissing her. It would be cruel and leading her on. James didn't know what to do.

     "Whenever we were mad at each other, we just had sex." He admitted and Sirius almost cringed at that. He understood it but it seemed to be relatively effective. Either way, it made Sirius cringe. He didn't like the thought of either of them in that situation at all.

     "And there's your problem. You gotta figure it out, mate." Sirius said after a moment. He reached out to pick up a book from the dresser. A muggle book and when Sirius flicked to the cover, he saw a little note from Ella. A note that definitely showed how much she loved him. Sirius looked to his best friend and gently shook his head. James was certainly oblivious.

     The curly-haired boy wasn't even paying attention, instead he was watching the night sky outside. His hands resting on the window sill as he tried to process everything. He didn't want to upset Ella further and he didn't know what to do anymore. He was completely stuck and no matter how confused and frustrated he was, he couldn't act how he had tonight. He would probably avoid her until he worked out what to say but being a wanker to her wouldn't work. She was struggling and James needed to recognise that. He also needed to work out his own feeling because frankly, he was just as confused with himself as he was with her.

     "Could we go out later?" He asked out of the blue. Though Sirius knew instantly why. Going out and being free, one with nature. It was how James destressed. It was probably something he needed now more than ever.

     "To the woods?"

     "Yeah."

     "It's fucking freezing." Sirius chuckled as he felt the breeze from the window.

     "Like you care," James muttered and he was right. Sirius did have a tendency to not care about the temperature. He was a dog in his animagus form after all. The cold didn't really affect him at all. It affected James and Peter more than anyone else in the group.

     "I suppose." Sirius responded as he closed the book. He then walked to James and placed a hand on his shoulder, "Just try and speak to her," Sirius said before he pushed the window closed and left the room. James sighed and watched him leave, unsure how to handle any of this. His world had been flipped and he was lost.

***

𝐀𝐔𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐑'𝐒 𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄 ! a long interlude boiiiissss, yeah this was not meant to be as long as it is but here it is, like the chapter i also feel like this is super choppy and i am NOT happy with how i portrayed james' feelings cause i like they're not how he feels but yeah, so imma have to work on the wording but this is what i got for now and i hope you enjoyed this little interlude despite it!