CHAPTER TWENTY.
( THE LETTER.. )

     Ella sat on the balcony of the Astronomy Tower. Her legs swinging as a soft sigh escaped her lips. Her forehead rested against the metal bars as she waited, listened but there was nothing. It was long past the time they would usually meet here and it was pointless to wait any longer. It seemed that Ella was right in what she was thinking in Hogsmeade.

     James had forgotten about her and him and Lily had got together. It was cruel that he finally admitted something and now it was gone. He probably barely remembered it so Ella just pushed herself to stand up. A long breath leaving her lips as she felt the wind prick at her eyes. A soft sigh of sadness escaping her lips.

     "Idiot," Ella muttered under her breath, wiping her teary eyes. This was stupid, she shouldn't have thought it would go well. It was always going to end this way, James would never love her despite what he claimed. It was clearly just some stupid joke or lapse in judgement. Ella couldn't help but feel her heart ache as she headed out of the Astronomy Tower.

     It was stupid to get her hopes up and continued to berate herself as she trudged back to the Common Room. Her heart was in pieces and it was once again because of James Fleamont Potter. She wished she didn't get her hopes but she believed that just for a minute maybe James was a decent and good person.

     Ella said the password and the portrait swung open. It made a passing comment to her frown but she just ignored it, walking inside. James was sat in the Common Room. His feet up on the coffee table and a grin on his face as he went on at Sirius. The other boys weren't around and the whole place was quiet since curfew had long since passed.

     James didn't even notice her coming in. He had forgotten about their plan entirely which only served to hurt her heart more. The brunette - rather than going up - decided to see if he'd notice her and plopped herself down on the couch a few feet from them. Her gaze fixing on the fireplace as it crackled and popped.

     "I just can't believe she actually said yes. Does that mean she likes me? She kept talking about Ella but she said yes," James said, continuing his rant about Lily. It was the first time Ella had seen him this happy in a long while and it only made her heart ache even more. It was ridiculous really. It shouldn't bother her as much as it did but he was just completely forgetting her, what they had said. It hurt.

     So after less than a minute of talking, Ella got up and walked up the stairs. Sirius noticed the movement and gave her a side glance as she trudged up the stairs. Ella wanted nothing more than to curl up in bed and never come back out. Her heart ached and she hated it more than anything. The universe just couldn't do one thing nice for her it seemed. Just not a single damn thing.

     And to make it worse as Ella trudged up the stairs, she ran into the girl she didn't want to see. The redhead was smiling as she came down but when she saw Ella, her smile dropped. Ella attempted to just walk past but Lily grabbed her arm to keep her in place.

"Hey what's wrong?" Lily asked softly and Ella scoffed. She knocked Lily's hand off her arm and tried to step passed her again, only being blocked once more. The redhead was as unrelenting as she always was just wanting to help. Not that she helped this time, she was just the cause of all the issues.

     "You know what's wrong." Ella said as she met the redhead's gaze. Her hands balling into fists before she tried to calm herself. Taking it out on Lily was stupid but the anger was bubbling and boiling. It needed an outlet and Lily had said yes despite everything they had talked about. Ella justified her anger towards the redhead, "You went out with James! After everythin'! I can't believe I even bleedin' trusted you. What a stupid wanker I am," Ella said as she glared at her. The anger burning in her eyes that caused Lily to pause.

     "What? What do you mean?" Lily asked. Not understanding. She didn't know what had happened but Ella's anger seemed to throw her off. Ella was not one to be like this that was at least something she knew. Ella scoffed in response.

     "You said bleedin' yes to him! After months of him pining after you and all the conversations we had! Does my friendship mean that bleedin' little! You could have at least asked if it was okay before takin' him for yourself. Hope Layla knows too because she's going to be bleedin' 'eartbroken!" Ella shouted. Her words echoing around the staircase. Sirius and James could most likely hear her ranting but at this point she didn't care. She just felt so overwhelmed and pissed off and unsure. Her world had been torn apart by her friends of all people.

     "What are you on about! I didn't go on a date with James! I was trying to get him to finally confess to you," Lily said quickly, realising what had happened. The gravity of the situation, why Ella was so angry, bordering on tears now. Ella just rolled her eyes, not even remotely believing Lily. It made no sense. Why would James agree? They looked so in love.

     "Really? Well why is he talking about going out with you? Clearly you weren't bloody clear about what was happenin'," Ella said throwing her arm out. She then heard voices and heard a few steps at the bottom of the steps. Her anger quickly being overwhelmed with sadness when she heard James calling Lily's name.

     Ella didn't even bother to say anything and as James and Sirius walked up the stairs, Ella went into her room. Her heart was thumping and her eyes were brimming with tears that she desperately tried to scrub away. The dorm was quiet when she walked in and she closed the door behind her. Able to make out the closed curtains of the beds through the gloom.

     So Ella just walked across the room glad nobody else heard it. She couldn't help but sniffle as the tears blurred her vision. Her whole body felt like it ached as she walked to her bed. She sat down on the edge of it, taking a few deep breaths in an attempt to control her breathing. But it just led to her letting out a sob. Her hands gripping the edge of the mattress.

     Her shoes pushing back under the bed where she felt something crinkle under her feet. Ella let out a soft sob as she slid to the the floor, blindly searching for the paper under the bed through the gloom. She could barely see anything but she managed to grab it. The handwriting was messy and she recognised that it wasn't hers but she couldn't make out the words with her blurred vision.

     Another sob escaping her lips as she turned around, her back resting against the bedframe as she placed the parchment on her bedside table. Her hands covering her face as she let out another sob. She didn't even know what to do with herself. The pain felt overwhelming and there was nobody here to even help her. Layla seemed to be asleep as did everyone else. Lily had betrayed her and Marlene probably knew about it.

     She couldn't go to Remus, she had already put him in a bad spot with telling him about her crush in the first place and the full moon was coming. She couldn't put that on him, he was having a bad time with everything. Ella had nobody as she let out more sobs. Her hands moving to wrap around her head as she squeezed her eyes shut.

     Bleedin' idiot was all Ella could think. She really thought that this would work out well for her but it was clear that it would not. James was just not for her and that broke her more than anything else. It wasn't meant to be and Ella wished it was.

     She wasn't sure how long she was sat there crying into her arms but when she finally stopped, her eyes were tired. Sleep was begging to take over but Ella didn't even have the energy to get into bed. She only looked up when she heard Molly meowing at her. It was a quiet meow as she looked at her owner. The parchment from the bedside table in front of the cat.

     "What?" Ella muttered and Molly just walked over to her, rubbing her face against Ella's leg. A soft sigh escaped the brunette's lips as she sniffled, trying to stop herself from crying again. Her fingers reaching out for the parchment and she placed it in her lap. It was hard to read but with a few blinks, it wasn't as blurry.

' To Ella,

 I've never wrote a 'love' letter before and I feel stupid but Remus told me to do it and he's always full of good ideas. I can't say that I wasn't shocked when you told me you loved me because Merlin knows that I was. My whole world had just been turned on it's head. It was something that I never expect but also totally expected from you. We'd been spending months together and I loved it more than anything. You had been my whole world since we started the relationship we had and I was so oblivious to not see it because it was right in front of me. Then we didn't talk and I felt like someone had cut off my oxygen. I was able to pretend for a while but... then it just got worse.

I don't want to be sappy but you shared your feelings so I think you deserve the same treatment. I was a tosser that night and I really wish I could go back. I was just shocked and confronted and everything you said was right. I was stupid to think that everything we did was what was expected. I knew that holding your hand and snuggling with you and kissing you whenever I wanted to wasn't normal but I didn't care. I thought living in this blissful ignorance would be better but then everything happened. Merlin, I got a bit off topic here. What I'm trying to say is that I love you and there's a million reasons why that would be difficult to list.

I didn't realise until I was away from you that I love all these things. I love your snuggles in the morning when you don't want to get up. I love how you are so dedicated and focused on school work. I love how you want to help people and stand up for them. I love how you have your life sorted and have goals and ambitions. I love how your smile brightens my day and your hugs make me feel safe even when I'm doubting my entire life.' There's a small line as if he was going to continue before there is a scribble over the words 'I love'. It then continues 'Sirius has just came over to me so I can't tell you anything else but please, if you're reading this, talk to me. I need you around me and I think I'm in love with you... just talk to me.

Love, James '

     Ella stared at the letter for a moment. There was something so typically James about it yet in her mind all she could think about was how this wouldn't be James. He'd have no reason to do this and she didn't know why he would write this and then go on a date with Lily. It made no sense and so Ella dismissed it, throwing it away onto the floor.

     Molly seemed to meow at that and Ella just scrubbed her face with her hands. Her heart only aching more at what someone thought would be a good joke. She looked around the room and realised that she didn't even have the energy to be here or sleep. Not anymore. So, she stood up, wiping her runny nose and taking a long deep breath.

     It was fine. She just needed to get out of the dorm. She already felt suffocated so she gave Molly a kiss before she disappeared out the door. It wasn't long before she was at the Astronomy Tower which was where she found a familiar platinum blonde.

     Kalia had her telescope set up and she seemed to be mapping out the stars in a notebook. Ella watched for a moment before Kalia turned around, giving her a friendly smile. Not even bothering to question Ella's teary eyes or red cheeks. She looked a mess but Kalia didn't care.

     "Hey, Ella. What are you doing up so late?" Kalia asked curiously as she looked down at her workbook, sketching out a few more things. Ella shrugged in response and moved to sit down next to the blonde. A soft sigh escaping her lips as she crossed her legs, resting her hands in her lap.

     "Don't feel like sleepin'," Ella muttered. Kalia nodded and looked through the telescope again. She seemed to hum in thought before her head twitched and she turned around to look at the staircase. It was like she could see somebody but there was nobody there.

     "Remus stop hiding under the cloak," Kalia muttered as she went back to her drawing. There seemed to be some silence before footsteps came up and Remus appeared. He looked rough but Ella wasn't surprised. She didn't bother to look at him too much.

     "I don't understand how you can even tell," Remus muttered as he came over to her. Kalia shrugged and then leant up, pressing a kiss to his cheek. He glanced over at Ella who had practically winced at seeing their affection. It was like a stamp to Ella's heart that was already flattened and broken.

     "I'm going back to the dorm," Ella muttered as she stood up. She brushed herself off realising that she didn't want to be around them. Kalia and Remus were a relatively affectionate couple and it just made Ella's heart shattered at the worst of times. She had already faced enough heart break enough for the day, she didn't need anymore.

     "Be careful, Ella. Not everything is as it seems," Kalia said as she glanced at the brunette. Ella furrowed her eyebrows at her words but didn't bother to question it. Instead, she just nodded her head and then walked down the steps. Her shoes tapping against the stone as she wrapped her arms around her waist.

     Ella repeated the words softly under her breath as she headed down the corridor towards the grand staircase. What did that even mean? It confused her to no end and she was so wrapped up in the question that she failed to notice how she was suddenly wrapped in an invisibility cloak. Filch missing her by an inch as he patrolled the corridor.

     "You need to be more careful when you sneak around," James said and Ella's heart stopped. She turned around and felt the invisibility cloak ruin her hair. With a glance to the right, Ella saw that Filch was gone and pulled the cloak away from her. She wanted to put as much distance between her and James as possible.

     So before he could even fully take the cloak off, she had power walked down the corridor away from him. Managing to get to the portrait hole and through before he caught up. She crossed the Common Room and almost made it to the stairs before he grabbed her wrist. He pulled her to face him and Ella pushed a fake smile onto her face.

     "Let me go. I wanna go to bed," Ella muttered softly and she felt his grip loosen but not disappear completely. He frowned slightly as he looked at her face. He was finally able to see through her fake smile and he didn't like that he could see that now. The pain in her eyes made him pause, his eyebrows pulling together.

     "What's wrong?" He asked. Ella shook him off and rubbed her face with her hands. She was exhausted, her eyes were tired and her body was exhausted. She was too emotionally drained for this and James wasn't even aware that he'd ruined everything again.

     "Nothing. I'm just exhausted. I need to sleep. I've been sleepin' terribly and I'm tired and emotionally gone," Ella muttered. James frowned and reached out to tuck some hair behind her ear. But she grabbed his hand before he could touch it, pushing his hand down. He frowned more at this and she just sent him a half-smile before she went up to her dorm. Leaving him confused, his hand up in the air before he let it drop. He was confused, unaware that he had just broken a promise to her completely.

     Forgetting about their meeting due to the confusion of his day. He was already notoriously terrible at keeping dates and Hogsmeade had been a whirlwind of confusion. From Lily asking him out basically to then her clarifying that she didn't want to go out with him and that she was in fact, a lesbian. James was shocked and confused and he wanted to talk to Ella and make sure she was okay after he heard her shouting and now she was gone. He had forgot and he didn't even know it

***

     Ella hadn't said a word all morning. It was usually a late start on the weekends, especially Sundays, since the shops didn't open until a little later in the day but rather than engaging in the usual chatter, Ella had stayed in bed. Her head was buried in the pillow and the covers wrapped around her, pretending to sleep but really just listening.

     Nobody had tried to talk to her so she didn't bother to try and talk to them. Instead she just tried to let her mind drift off but the more she tried, the more impossible it was. She was exhausted, her bones ached and her heart hurt more than anything else. Her cheeks were still red and puffy and she wanted to wash her face but didn't bother.

     The tears had long since dried up and now they were replaced with this numb, dull heartache. It hurt but she didn't feel it either. It was something she hadn't experienced before and the new feeling was not a welcome one. As Ella adjusted again in the bed, Molly jumping on to knead at her arms in an attempt to wake her up but Ella didn't.

     "Ella," A voice made her jump. Startling her as she opened her eyes to look up at Layla. She didn't bother to reply and just closed her eyes again. Molly climbing on top of Ella's side so she could get higher and gain attention from Layla, "We're going to breakfast. Are you coming?" She asked. Ella just let out a mumbled no before turning over. Layla sighed and watched as Molly jumped from the bed again.

     Layla glanced over on the bedside table to see the parchment from James and unrolled it slightly. It only took a once over for Layla to get the gist. But it confused her. Why was Ella upset if James had confessed everything? Layla felt like she was missing something but she didn't know exactly what it was. Ella would be no help. She was barely talking.

     "I'll see you later," Layla said as she left the dorm with the other three girls. They decided that they were all going to go to Hogsmeade together. Ella - now - not included in that but the brunette would have hated it anyway. She wanted to go to Hogsmeade to spend time with friends and Ella probably wouldn't appreciate the dorm-mates being there too.

     Ella wasn't entirely sure how long she wallowed in her emotional turmoil but she eventually dragged herself out of bed. She spent at least another hour in the bath, scrubbing her skin and trying desperately to forget everything. Once she had got out, she dressed in comfortable yet dully coloured clothes before heading down to the Great Hall.

     It was lunch time by this point and Ella was glad to find that there was hardly anyone around. A few bigger clusters of people but nothing that Ella couldn't handle. She crossed into the room and found herself a seat, grabbing her lunch. She glanced over at the hummus and carrot-sticks but didn't bother getting them. They made her heart hurt.

     So, instead, she decided to just eat her sandwiches. Staring at the table as she ate slowly. The food satisfying her grumbling stomach but it did very little to help her heart-ache. It seemed to only make her worse and when she looked up towards the end of the sandwich, she saw her father watching her. A soft huff left her lips.

     She didn't want to deal with him right now and so instead, took the last bite out of her sandwich and stood up. She pushed her stool back in and buried her hands in the pockets of her pants, turning around to leave. When she glanced back, she watched her Ancient Runes teacher - Professor Landon - grip her father's arm. Stopping him from approaching her like he surely was about to.

     It was odd and Ella was almost angry at it. Professor Landon had no right to say whether her father spoke to her or not. Differences aside, they were still family and he was clearly trying to work out whether his daughter was okay but Professor Landon clearly didn't approve of that. Ella would have probably said something but she didn't feel like drawing attention to herself.

     Instead she just passed through the corridors and found herself back at the Gryffindor Common Room. A soft sigh of relief escaping her lips when she found only students from the years that couldn't attend Hosgsmeade trips. It made her feel that little better. She wouldn't be harassed by the boys or anyone really. She was safe.

     Either way, she still headed towards her dorm room. She wanted to just get away and go to sleep. She had done what she wanted - ate - and now she could go back to sleeping. Well, trying to sleep because she was sure she wouldn't be able to do that for a little while. Her mind was too full of thoughts to even be able to comprehend sleep no matter how tired she was.

     As she moved up the stairs, she didn't even notice the pair of footsteps behind her. Only when she went to close her dorm door behind her and it didn't close did she realise someone was behind her. Turning around, she came face-to-face with James Potter. The very boy she didn't want to see. She wanted to be away from him. She just wanted to be free from him.

     "Hey," He said and he stepped through into her dorm, closing the door behind him. Ella stepped back towards her bed. Wanting to put distance between them. If they were close, she didn't know how she'd react to whatever he was about to spew, "Are you alright? I didn't see you at breakfast and Layla said you weren't coming to Hogsmeade?" James asked. He knew she wasn't okay but he wasn't going to act like he was aware. He wanted to know if she'd say what was wrong or lie to him again.

     "M'just not feelin' it today," Ella muttered as she turned around. She glanced at the parchment on the bedside table and snatched it up. She tried to shove it into her bedside table but it was in James' hand before she could even attempt it. He read over it and realised it was his letter to her.

     "And you've been crying because?" He asked curiously as he placed the parchment back on her bed. He had gotten so close now and Ella didn't like it. She didn't want him to be this close to her. She wanted him to be away from her.

     "Life," She muttered as she tried to distract herself with stacking books. James let out a heavy sigh at that and stepped closer, he grabbed her arm and turned her around. It was more than that and James wanted to know what. He knew she wasn't okay but there was still a part of him that couldn't really understand why.

     "Tell me the real reason," He said as he looked at her. Ella shoved his arm away from her and he let his hand rest at his side. Ella taking a deep breath before she turned around, tears pricking her eyes as she ran her hands over her face.

     "You're so blind!" She exclaimed, throwing her arms out before she turned to face him fully. Blinking back tears as she carried on, "Merlin, you're oblivious. You said you liked me more than friends and then you go on a date with Lily. You don't meet up with me to tell me this was a joke which is frankly a cruel prank even by your standards. You act like you didn't say that you loved me and wrote that stupid letter that just confesses everything. You're just so dumb, James and I'm sick of just bein' strung around. I've got feelings and my heart keeps being stamped on. I love you but clearly you just don't love me back and I need to accept that. I was accepting that until you decided to prank me! I'm so stupid to be in love with you. You're like every other guy." Ella said, her voice wavering and cracking as her eyes filled with tears. Her nose running and she was quick to sniffle, wiping her nose as she turned away. A soft sigh escaping her lips.

     "I-" James began but Ella gave him a harsh look. Honestly, she didn't even want to hear what he had to say. It wasn't worth her time and the glare that she gave him seemed to pause him from continuing.

     "Don't bleedin' lie to me, James!" She shouted and he swallowed his pride, taking another deep breath as he decided what to say.

     "I thought I loved her, El. She asked me out and I just said yes. I wasn't even thinking after so many months of wanting her. You know that I care for her. What... What I'm trying to s-," James muttered and opened his mouth to continue but Ella had heard enough. She didn't want to hear anything else so she moved forward and just shoved him. He stumbled, not expecting it and giving her a look that portrayed his shock perfectly. It was almost comical.

     "Get out." She said as she shoved him again. Her wand being pulled and she waved it, the door opening for him. He looked at her and tilted his head, opening his mouth to try and argue back. Ella just shook her head, "Just get out. I don't want to hear it, James. My life is already fallin' to pieces. Just don't make it worse," She said as she pushed him out. He stumbled back, catching himself on the stair case and Ella slammed the door in his face.

      A soft sob escaped Ella's lips as the door closed, her forehead resting against the wood as she let it all finally just come out. Free from judgement or people. Everyone was gone and she could just cry like she needed to. Her whole body shaking with each sob as she pushed herself off the door. Her whole body felt weak but she got herself to her bed. Curling up as she sobbed, heavily.

     She didn't want to be around him anymore. She was losing her best friend and she was going to have to accept that now. It had been so easy to just be his friend without feeling the love they had for each other but he complicated it. He confessed for some stupid dare and now she was stuck with this. With losing her best friend again.

     She needed to focus on exams not this stupid boy drama or her father's weird behaviour. She had bigger things to do but she couldn't focus on anything anymore. All there was was a dull ache in her heart as she sobbed into her pillow.

***

𝐀𝐔𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐑'𝐒 𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄 ! more pain :) i promise it does eventually get better so i apologise for this pain, it gets better for ella and i think i might write an extra scene with some of james' perspective from this and also some other clearing up things... not sure yet but it's a thought so ya know, james is a conflicted boy and ella really did not let him finish... yeah, this chapter is gonna be fun... hope you enjoyed :)