CHAPTER FIFTEEN.
( I MISS YOU.. )

     Ella had been around her friends a lot more the past few days but she couldn't ever get into it. Despite how she laughed and walked around with Remus, it felt impossible to reach that happiness again. Ella hated it but as she sat in the common room, at times, she was almost glad. The happiness would just be another act and she knew that she couldn't pretend to just be okay anymore.

    She had to be more honest with everyone and herself so when her friends asked if she wanted to go and sit in the dorm with them, Ella had declined. She had given her reasoning and they had respected it which Ella found refreshing. The whole situation was refreshing. She never usually was that open but he felt good to be that open.

     So, now, she was sat in the common room. The book Mia had got her was in her lap and she was reading it slowly. Her mind still too distracted to concentrate. Especially with the Marauders across the room, they had spent most of the evening laughing and talking loudly. Something that made Ella's heart ache. Whenever she heard James' voice all she could think about is talking to him or responding to his comment with a funny quick.

     But that wasn't possible. She couldn't join in anymore. She had to sit across the room and just read her book quietly. That's who she was now. The quiet Gryffindor, the prefect who was failing all her classes. The reminder of her exam grades made her pause in her reading. She took a deep breath, calming herself down before she let herself get worked up over the exams. It was unnecessary really. She could just work extra hard for the final NEWTs.

     Ella closed her book again, keeping her fingers inside to keep her place as she looked up. Her gaze moved from the empty study tables to the boys again. Sirius seemed to have made a joke that they were laughing at but her eyes landed on James, she found something slightly unexpected. He was frowning, his face had dropped once he had finished laughing. He didn't seem to be as enthusiastic as she was used to seeing him. That made her want to talk to him, ask what was going on but she couldn't. Not anymore.

     She watched him for a moment longer and then he caught her gaze and she quickly looked down. Scrambling to reopen her book and begin reading but she knew she had been caught. That made her stomach lurch and she was waiting for the comment, the movement. Something that made it seem like he had a negative reaction.

     Instead, all she heard was Sirius going on about doing another prank. James shook his head and then Ella heard him say something she never expected from him. He denied the request and instead, told the boys that he was going to go back to the dorm. He claimed that he was tired and Ella found that hard to believe. James was rarely tired before midnight and it had barely passed eleven.

      Ella had to look up and when she did so, she found James watching her. She sent him a tentative half-smile but got nothing in response. Her heart plummeting at the lack of a reaction. It shouldn't have bothered her as much as it did. He had been ignoring her for the past few weeks. She should have been prepared for that response yet it still hurt

     A soft sigh escaped her lips as she looked down at the book. She couldn't let James get to her but he did. He always did because he was her best friend and she had lost him. Lost him because she was stupid and ridiculous. Lost him because she couldn't just be honest. It was her fault and she had ruined everything. She wished she could just go back and apologise and tell him that it was a joke. Say something that meant she still had him by her side.

     But before her mind could drift too far down that route, Sirius sat down on the couch next to her. The sofa compressed beneath her and she moved her gaze to the black-haired boy's face. The look on his face was a mix between mischief and sadness. Something she wasn't sure had ever been possible but here Sirius was.

     "What?" She asked as she leant over to the table and grabbing the bookmark. She didn't have the energy to interact with Sirius in that moment. Her heart was aching, desperately just wanting to be around James and she felt like she was only going to sink deeper into the pit of despair as time went on. It shouldn't have bothered her as much. Ella still had her other friends but James had been a constant in her life. A constant that had just vanished.

     "Your argument is really killing the mood. We have like five months left in school and Prongs won't even play pranks with me," Sirius said as he slouched back on the couch. His arms resting in his lap. Ella shrugged and placed her book down.

     "It's not my fault," Ella shrugged as she moved to stand up. Sirius then pulled her back down and she sighed. Her hands balling into fists before she let them relax. The tears already pricking her eyes as she turned her body to face Sirius, "What?" She added after a moment.

     "Do you really think it's not your fault?" He asked. He seemed almost incredulous and confused by that. She didn't understand why he would be. It wasn't her fault he was being moody. They weren't talking and he had been fire so far.

     "'is moody attitude today isn't my fault," Ella said, her tone harsh as she pulled her wrist from Sirius' grip. He chuckled humourlessly and sat up properly, meeting her steely gaze. That made Ella pause and she could tell Sirius was about to tell her something that she really did not want to know but then again she had no choice on whether she was told. She couldn't leave now.

     "He's been like this since Christmas." Sirius stated and Ella shrugged. She didn't see the relevance, "More specifically since you argued with him," He added. Sirius knew that Ella was smart but it seemed she was totally unaware of what that even meant. Ella gave him a look and he scoffed, glancing over at the boys, "Moony, I thought you said Ella was clever," He shouted. Remus turned around and cocked an eyebrow but then he realised and shrugged.

     "Oh thanks," Ella muttered, her heart aching a little more. Remus then got up from the couch and said he was going to talk to James about using the cloak. Ella didn't say much else knowing that Remus was going to see Kalia. It made Ella feel this overwhelming sense of jealousy but she knew she shouldn't be like that. It wasn't Remus or Kalia's fault that James was an arse.

     Peter was then left alone and quickly found himself getting up to sit on the armchair near Ella and Sirius. It seemed he wanted to get involved which Sirius was more than happy to do, "How miserable has Prongs been, Wormtail?" Sirius asked. Peter smiled at the inclusion and Ella looked to the boy. She had no idea if Peter was even aware of their relationship. He was always quiet and Ella found herself barely interacting with him outside of class.

     "Really miserable. I've never seen him mope as much as he has been. He wasn't this bad when Lily rejected him," Peter said. His comment catching Ella off-guard and she titled her head slightly. She tried to find a rational reason for why James had been in such a mood but she couldn't find anything. Her parents were fine, the only thing that had changed was their friendship, "Oh and he keeps staring at this picture. He seemed to bring it back after Christmas. Merlin knows what it is," Peter then continued, rambling slightly about James before Sirius quickly nudged him to get him to shut up. Clearly he was saying thing that Ella shouldn't have heard.

      "It doesn't mean anything," Ella muttered, standing up. She didn't want to hear this. She didn't want to hear that James missed her because if he did, he should have spoken to her. She felt overwhelmed as she wrapped her arms around her middle. She couldn't deal with this. Not tonight. Not ever really. She just didn't want to think about this.

     "It means everything, Ella. You know it does," Sirius said quickly, looking up at her. Ella shook her head and walked towards the girl's dormitory stairs, tears pricking her eyes. She swallowed the lump in her throat as she felt her heart ache. The pit in her stomach threatening to swallow her whole. If James was so miserable, he would speak to her but he hasn't. She is still all alone. He doesn't care. That's what she'd spent nearly a month a half believing. She couldn't have that broken apart. She just couldn't. There was no way.

     Ignoring the calls of her name, she went back into her dormitory and silently got ready for bed. She didn't want to spend anymore time thinking about James. Not right now. She just wanted to sleep or at least try to sleep. Sirius was trying to just confuse her. He was being cruel. It was a joke. James didn't care. If he did care he would have spoke to her. If he did, he would be trying to talk to her now but he hadn't. There was nothing. Just silence from his end.

***

     Ella had been sat in bed all night. The darkness creating shadows on her walls as she rolled over constantly trying to make herself comfortable but nothing was quite right. She was too hot with her covers on and too cold without them. The room was too dark but even lighting a candle made her eyes hurt. There was nothing she could do. Between her restlessness and her constantly overwhelming thoughts, she was stuck.

     So, she decided to leave. Sliding from her bed, she placed the covers back, pushing her pillow to act as her. It would deter Layla from being worried. Ella was silent as she changed. Replacing her shorts with pants and she put some shoes and socks on. She wasn't going to walk around the castle barefoot, she didn't know what traps might have been set.

     Ella opened the door and left the room, walking down the stairs. The Common Room fire was still softly crackling as the last embers died. She gave the room a once over and only found a sleeping boy who wouldn't see her leave. So, she walked across to the portrait and pushed it open. The castle was always cold at night and a shiver ran down her spine as she shut the portrait door behind her. The lady in the portrait giving her a dirty look though Ella didn't notice.

    Instead she focused on her destination, the astronomy tower. It was always where she went to think and she hoped that it would provide her some solace as her mind spun with thoughts. Between Sirius and James and every other thing going on in her life, she felt like she was being eaten up. The lessons with her father in Herbology had been uneventful but the way he continued to try and converse with her was the bane of her existence. He had not apologised and Ella was not willing to converse with him until that point.

     Traversing through the corridors, all she could hear was the tapping of her shoes against the stone floors. The anxiety clear with every sound, the fear of getting caught lingering but she had made this journey far too many times for someone to notice now.

     Either way when she reached the staircase to the astronomy tower, her heart seemed to beat a little slower. Her muscles relaxing as she began to climb. The night was cold and it was far too late for classes to still be going on meaning she would be alone. Or she hoped she would.

     As she reached the top, she looked out along the tower, checking up and down for any sign of someone else but there was nothing. It was just Ella and only then did she let herself fully relax. Her feet carried her to the other side of the tower and she sat herself down on the edge. Her body pushed up against the railings and her feet dangling into the tower below. Her hands placed on top of the first metal bar.

     Ella let out a long breath and watched as the condensed air blew away with the wind, she found herself having an odd urge to smoke. Something that she didn't do that often but Sirius and James had dragged her into it a few times. Her head fell against her arms at the mention of James, her heart aching more as she let out a soft 'why?'.

     She then lifted her head and realised there was nobody else here. Nobody else could question why she was shouting but the wind might be able to give her answer. "Why?" She shouted to the wind. Her voice carrying away from Hogwarts and between the mountains and fields. Through the forbidden forest. Lost to nature but she got no response. Just her.

     Her hands were quickly growing cold so Ella pulled the sleeves of her sweater down. The sweater, she realised, was one of James' that he had left behind. The sleeves were much longer than the ones she had and it meant that she could easily protect her hands. Folding the edge over to protect it from the harsh wind.

     Ella could feel her cheeks growing slightly numb and they were getting a soft red hue as she stared up at the stars. Her eyes taking in every star and constellation in the clear night. A soft mumble of the constellation's names leaving her lips when she spotted them. But she paused when she spotted another one and a voice naming it startled her.

Ella hesitated for a moment before she turned her head, a fraction to see if it was really who she thought it was. James was stood there with a small smile on his face. An odd coloured cloak over his arm and a piece of parchment in his hand. The invisibility cloak and the Marauders Map, of course.

     "You always struggled to remember that one," He said as he walked over. Ella nodded, staring down at her feet dangling over the edge. Her stomach lurching at the height. James waited before he sat down next to her. He placed the cloak down and then the Marauders Map on top, sliding next to her against the fence. An action that they had done so many times before now.

     "Why are you 'ere?" Ella asked softly, letting her forehead rest against one of the railings. It only made her skin colder but she didn't really notice. She was used to it by this point and just wanted to know why he was here. After so long he had followed her. Going out of his way not to get caught something James never usually did.

     "I could ask you the same question," He responded. His tone was defensive but Ella didn't really care anymore. She wanted James back but she knew that she couldn't. He had gone and whoever was sat next to her, didn't care anymore.

     "I couldn't sleep," Ella muttered as she let her eyes close. Just feeling the wind in her hair and against her face, causing her cheeks and nose to turn that little bit more red. Her body working overtime to keep her face that little bit warmer.

     "Neither could I," He admitted softly as he let his hands rest in his lap. His feet dangling over the edge but his body wasn't pressed against the railing. Ella nodded and stayed silent for a moment. Moving her head to rest against her arms as she let out a breath. James just observed, noting that she was wearing his jumper. An idea that he found himself liking more and more.

"I miss you," He responded. His words sincere, genuine and Ella paused, unsure what to think of that. She didn't know whether to cry from relief or not believe him. It had been nearly a month, nearly a month a half since they had last spoken. Why didn't he say something before now? Was he as scared as she felt?

     "I miss you too," Ella finally admitted, lifting her head up as she spoke. She half-wished that her words were lost to the wind but they weren't. His gaze boring into the side of her face until she finally decided to turn and look at him. A small frown on her lips, her eyes glassy. If it was from the wind or the sadness she felt, James didn't know but he wanted to help her all the same.   

     "It's been like five weeks," Ella muttered after a long pause. James nodded and ran his fingers through his curly hair. Pausing and trying to think what to actually say. He didn't know whether to explain himself or just try and start again. He didn't know what to do and Ella took that silence for something else. She thought that meant that he didn't care and she just turned her head away.

     "Ella." He said and she glanced at him but didn't bother to actually look. So, instead, he moved his hand to her face, forcing her to look at him, "I'm sorry. I just didn't know what to say. When it happened, nothing... made sense and it still doesn't. I look at you and you are everything to me... and that is utterly terrifying. I feel like I'm missing a limb without you," He admitted. His confession felt disjointed and Ella couldn't even decipher what he was really trying to say. Ella nodded a little and pulled his hand away from her. If he kept touching her, she didn't know how she'd react. So, instead, she stood up and crossed the way to their hiding spot. James watching as she pulled out a pack of cigarettes from where they had stashed them months ago.

     "Do you want one?" She asked. She knew she would probably need one to get through this conversation. He shrugged noncommittally and she rolled her eyes, sitting next to him. She took one out from the packet and lit it with a mutter of a spell. She then took a long drag, blowing the smoke out slowly. James just watching her.

     "I'm sorry for everything I did. For what I said that night and for how I've been acting. I just, I didn't know how to react to anything," He reiterated softly. A soft sigh escaping his lips and she offered the cigarette to him which he took. He took a drag too and then passed it back to her. The two just watching the landscape in silence for a moment.

     "I should have told you when it started." Ella admitted, placing the cigarette between her lips again. James just watched and shrugged. His gaze landing on her lips, watching as she blew the smoke out before he was given it again, "It was midway through the summer. We should have stopped it. You're still in love with Lily, obviously," She added, laughing slightly bitterly. The admittance to when it started probably what made James choke more than the actual cigarette. She took it from him and gave him a questioning look as he coughed heavily.

     After a moment, he was back with her. A small smile on her lips as she couldn't help but chuckle at him. She stopped herself from making a comment and James was secretly thankful for that. He didn't know how he'd react to a snarky comment right now.

     "Summer wouldn't have been as fun without you. Sirius may be fun to be around but causing mischief isn't as much fun as hanging around with you," He shrugged, ruffling his hair in an attempt to make it as messy as it usually was. His words made her pause as she took another drag. He just smiled at her and Ella blew the smoke in his face.

     "You're such a liar," She said rolling her eyes. James trying to waft the smoke away before he took it from her fingers. Every time they did so, their fingers brushed and Ella just got a sense of how warm he was. He always warm and she wished she could snuggle up to him.

     "I am not," James muttered before he watched the landscape again, "Why are you wearing my jumper if we haven't spoken for weeks?" He asked after a moment. His voice was barely audible to Ella as a gust of wind passed by but she managed to catch it. The question truly caught her off guard and as she looked down at the jumper, she shrugged.

     "It's nice, it's comfortable," She admitted softly as she adjusted the sleeves against her own, "A bit big 'cause you're lanky but I like it," She added though quickly realised that it was probably weird she was wearing his clothes, "Do you want it back?" She asked. The nicotine was hitting her now, giving her the pleasant buzz she had been wanting. The cigarette being passed back to her.

     "No, it looks better on you," He admitted, looking at her fully now. Appreciating her now they were being a little more open with each other. They were talking and that's more than what either of them expected to happen.

     "Did you follow me on the map?" Ella asked as she took another drag. The cigarette was practically finished now but she offered it once more to James who waved it off. Ella taking the last drag before she smushed it against the edge of the astronomy tower platform. Ella flicked the butt off behind them and wiped the ash off the tower.

     "Yeah.." James admitted as he watched her. She smiled softly at that and turned to look at him, waiting to see if he'd elaborate, "I was looking at it to see if Sirius was going to come back. He did and I noticed you were pacing in your room. Getting up and down and moving about. You left then and I just came after you," He explained. It was what Ella had expected but hearing him say it made her smile. The fact that he even cared enough to check on her made her heart melt. Her hands resting in her lap.

     Ella just sat there, unsure what to say. She had a million questions but she didn't want to scare him off. Not again. He was her best friend and now they were talking again, she felt... normal again. There was still the lingering heartache but by some miracle, James was there and she wasn't even chancing messing it up.

     "Are you going to stop talkin' to me again?" Ella settled on a simple question. One she hoped her answer and give her some hope that she wouldn't be lost without him forever. He looked at her, the surprise on his face and he shook his head.

     "Never." He responded. His words were firm with no room for argument and it gave Ella some reassurance, "I've never been more miserable than I've been the past few weeks. You're light of my life, Ella, honest to Merlin," He added. Ella chuckled softly at his words, shaking her head. They made her heart flutter and her stomach erupt in butterflies but she knew he only meant that in a friend way. That's all she was to him.

     "Good 'cause I've been miserable without you," She admitted. A small frown appearing on her lips but when she felt James take her hand, that stopped. The corners of her lips tugging up as he watched her. He tangled their fingers together and shuffled closer to her.

     "I know," He said as he let her rest his head against her shoulder. The pair staying like that for a long moment, the quiet filling the space between them. The bridge that had been created by their distance was beginning to rebuild. The shattered parts of Ella's broken heart slowly being stitched back together because she hadn't lost James.

     Ella wasn't sure how long it was until they finally moved away from each other. Soft words spoken as they watched the landscape pressed up against each other. But eventually they got up. Ella and James hiding under the invisibility cloak and heading back to the Common Room before anyone could find them in the Astronomy Tower.

     With a few more words, the two walked away. Ella creeping back up to her room and falling into bed suddenly content with her life and everything that had happened. Her heart felt happy and she found it much easier to sleep that night dreaming of James. The anxieties that she had lost him forever had blown away with the wind and now she was sure she wasn't going to lose him. At least not over her love for him.

***

𝐀𝐔𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐑'𝐒 𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄 ! soooo hello! today you're getting a double update so chapter sixteen should be up soon/be up when you're reading this one! it's purely to celebrate 800 followers since i have NO other way to do it so yeah! y'all are getting more of ella and james hehe, now THIS chapter is one i've been WAITING for y'all to see, james is finally back and they are talking again. they have not totally worked out there issues because like where would the drama be if they hadddd, but they're back to talking!! i hope you enjoyed this chapter!!

also i tried something new for the start of the chapter and idk if i like it?? i think it looks cool so might keep it idk...