Dedicated to esemeagbuza Thanks for reminding me I have a book to write♥♥

~°JENNIFER°~

I swallow the hard lump in my throat, biting my lips to keep the tears in. They slip down my face to the pillow and I hug my duvet tighter, feeling the sharp pain at my head - something much worse than a hangover.

I don't know why I can't get over the fact that Noah doesn't care. He proved it earlier at the assembly ground. But why am I still holding on? What am I holding on to? He's not coming back and the earlier I realize, the better for this broken heart.

I don't know what hurts more - The fact that he hurt me, or the fact that, even at that, I can't get him off my mind.

I tried hating him. I do. Very much. I want him to feel the pain I do. But there's still a part of me that's always going to crave Noah's moans at the right side of my bed. There's always going to be that side that smiles when he slides his fingers through mine, or make me blush at something at simple as him calling me Jenny.

"Jennifer!"

I jerk up but don't move. I want whoever it is to leave. I just yearn to be alone.

"It's time for prep," the coice continues. "And the matron ordered everyone to leave the hostel," it goes on and on.

"Okay," I mumble and I hear the footsteps fade away. I clean up the tears and grab my brown jotter and a pen. I put on a hoodie over my black pyjamas and head downstairs. It's quiet and empty. I head to the prep class in the boy's hostel building but meet someone at the entrance.

I scoff.

"Hey, Jenny!"

"It's Jennifer," I correct coldly and sniff a tear threatening its way down my eyes. I've had enough tears already.

"Oh, okay. Sorry," Tris says and I nod. "So, what's up!" he adds bubbly.

"Study. I guess," I shrug. "Can I go in now?" I ask impatiently, trying to keep a straight face while fighting back the tears.

"You don't sound okay," he says and moves closer. "Are you?"

I shrug.

"Leave me alone," I say, Noah's face appearing in my head. I regret saying it but at least he gets out of the way. I walk into the prep class and sit on an empty seat, grabbing my jotter and pencil.

"Jennifer!"

I jerk immediately at my name being yelled at. I grit my teeth, irked, as I turn to the girl from earlier- Brook.

"What?" I yell in frustration.

"I called you three times already," she complains and I grip the pencil tighter, not trying to tell her head off.

"And it's my choice to answer," I reply in a subtle whisper and walk out of the class. I let out a deep breath as I finally get to where no one else is. The girl's bathroom. It's built just like the one in the school building. I run my fingers down my hair as I pace around, trying to get the image of Noah out of my mind.

"Jenny... Babe... Mmm... Jenn... Boo..." his signature words play on repeat in my head and my brain is a site filled with porn on replay. I scream till my voice snaps and I can only hear my sadness in my head - maybe it's all in my head. My back slides down the wall and I feel my butt on the cold floor.

"Ivy is just a random friend. You don't need to worry about her,"

I don't know why those words hurt the most now. Maybe I feel really stupid for believing them, or maybe I wish they were always going to be true. I should have worried.

Is she the reason?

He said it himself. It was goodbye and nothing else. Perhaps if goodbyes weren't forever, we'd still be together. But, I still don't get it. I still don't understand why.

"It's not gonna help,"

I look up at the open door and Tris' head popping in. "Leave," I say, warm tears falling down my eyes. I take in a deep breath, not wanting to ruin the night for everyone who wants to talk. Thing is, I've run out of words.

"Does he miss you the same way?"

"Get the heck out, Tris!" I yell, trying my best to not blow up. I wonder if he enjoys agonizing me with his filtered vocabulary of hurtful words.

"He doesn't," he continues.

"I said leave!" I thunder.

"It's the past," he continues and I feel my veins pop out of my skin, my breath rapid and hot as I glare furiously at him. "Move on, Jennifer. Noah isn't gonna call you Jenny anymore," he says and it hits harder than a comet will. I wipe the tears, staring at the tiled floor with my head between my legs which is folded up to my neck. I lean my head against the wall and exhale deeply.

"I know," I reply and he smiles a little. "But sometimes it's easier to not place things as reality, right?" I say in a hopeful tone and he doesn't give an answer. He walks into the restroom and squats in front of me.

"You deserve more," he lets out

"I deserve him," I cry back, tears streaming down my face no matter how hard I try to push them back in. "I spent months in rehab but I'm definitely not over him. It's gonna take more than what I thought - Maybe I'd never fall out of love with the kind of love Noah offered but," the tears choke me as my eyes feel blurry and my throat pains. "He offered a love I never felt. His love is... Probably the last of its kind," I whisper, bursting in tears as I bury my head between my legs.

"He doesn't deserve you," he replies and I close my eyes, hitting my head against the wall and trying to get my mind off his face. He's literally everywhere in my head.

"I don't care," I reply as I stand up slowly and dust my pyjamas. I put my hoodie on and he stands up, gazing at me.

"Jennifer - "

"Thanks for your time," I tell with a nod. "But you can forget we had this conversation," I add and turn to go immediately. I don't give him the benefit of a last glance. I just head straight to the hostel, crying all way through.

•••

"Noah, you freaking finished all the Nutella!" I yell, not really caring about waking him up from his sleep. He took my joy first, anyway.

"It's three in the morning!" he says sleepily as he stares at the screen of his phone after putting in his thumbprint. "We can always get another," he continues.

"But - "

"Is it that time of the month?" he asks and I nod slowly, holding the empty Nutella bottle to my chest and trying not to cry. "You don't need that much sugar, anyway!" he says and I glare at him. He raises his hand in surrender and I curl my lips.

"I'll get more in the morning," he promises and lays on the bed once more.

My phone rings. It's Dad.

I pick it up and unfortunately, he's just coming back from a trip and wants me to open the gates. What if he finds Noah here? He shouldn't.

"He said he's at the gate. What the heck are we going to do, Noah?" I wail in anxiety, getting out of bed and peaking through the window. He really is here.

"Just go down and open it. He'll hardly know I'm here. There are seven rooms in this mansion. He'll hardly expect a thing," Noah assures and I step into my slippers before hurrying down to let Dad in.

I'm still mad at him so I don't bother greeting him when he comes down from the car. "Jennifer," he calls out.

"Yeah?" I ask, turning back.

"No greeting? No welcome?" he asks, holding a white paper bag to me. I shrug.

"No, thanks," I tell and head inside.

"Jennifer," he calls back as I open the door. I stop and he walks up to me. "It's just a little gift. Take it," he says and extends it to me once more.

"No need. I've managed without it anyways," I retort and hear him sigh deeply before walking in. I'm about to walk up the stairs to my room when I hear my name in his deep stressed tone.

"You know I'd never wish the life you are right now. Some things just can't stay the same any longer. Your Mum and - "

"Stop it, Dad!" I react with anger fused in my tone. "I'm fed up. I'm done listening to the lies. I'm tired of being this. Weak and helpless. I'm not angry, Dad. I'm not sad. I don't hate you. I'm just... Done!" I breathe and stomp up the stairs angrily.

I lied.

I am angry.

I'm hurt.

I'm sad.

I hate him.

And Mum.

But yeah, I didn't lie when I said I'm done.

I stand up from the bed after hours of recalling the good times and walk outside. It's 5:30 am and just a few minutes before the sports. I just want to relax my head and forget about everything.

"Jennifer?"

I jerk as I turn to see that familiar face. Tristan. Again. I don't want to apologize, although I feel guilty about earlier. He just pressed the wrong buttons at the worst time. "Hey," I reply.

"The weather is great this morning," he says, trying to start a small talk but I really don't have the strength to act dumb.

"I'm sorry, Tris. I just - felt insane," I tell sincerely and he shrugs. I bite my lips, hoping he wouldn't get tired of sticking around. It's weird but I kind of like the attention he's giving, no matter how many times I shut the doors.

"And now? What do you feel?"

"Dunno," I murmur with a shrug, chewing on my fingernails. A habit I formed whenever Noah and I ran into a little argument.

"You know you deserve more," he says and I sigh.

"Why'd you keep telling me that?" I ask, plucking leaves from the large shady tree. The due slides down my fingers and I let the leaf go when he doesn't reply. I look up at him, expecting a reply.

"Because it's true," he says simply.

"You don't even know me," I argue, tugging my hoodie tightly to myself as I place both hands in the pockets. "I am barely half of what you probably presume me to be," I continue.

"He hurt you,"

"Yeah, so? Not like it's the first time. My Mum - "

"His hit differently. With your Mum, you knew it was going to happen. You just forced yourself to believe that you wanted to. You forced your way into a - "

"Shut. Up!" I yell, not wanting to spend the entire day crying like all others. "I'm leaving," I tell and start walking away.

Why do all our conversations end on the wrong foot?

"I'm sorry, I - Jennifer!" he calls after me but I don't want to hear it. As much as it pains me, I'd rather not listen to the truth. Maybe I'm designed to enjoy and relish the lies, not considering how real but hurtful the truth is. Worst part is, Tris is always right.

It fucking hurts so much.

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