Masaya akong nagligpit ulit ng gamit pagkauwi ko. I was even humming a song while doing it dahil naalala ko ang mga nangyari. Masyado akong masaya pero medyo nakakatakot din na baka bukas ay bigla nanamang magbago 'yon. But then, now that I am still happy, I want to feel it without having worries.

Maaga rin akong natulog dahil masyado yata akong excited. Bukod sa hindi ako masyadong nakakapagout of town ay excited din talaga akong makasama pa siya ng matagal. In that way, I'll know him more.

Nakangiti akong bumangon saka ginawa ang morning stretches ko. Minsan ko lang 'yong magawa dahil kapag may pasok ay nagmamadali ako palagi.

I cooked my breakfast and lazily ate it habang nag-iisip ng kung ano, but all of them are happy memories... most of them were the ones I had with him.

I giggled with the thought and continued thinking about them while indulging myself in the bathtub.

Nagbihis na rin ako pagkatapos, simpleng t-shirt at sweat pants dahil doon ako kumportable. I brushed my hair and fixed it to the side para hindi magulo.

Mag-aapply pa sana ako ng light make-up no'ng biglang nagring 'yong phone ko. I immediately answered it without looking at it dahil baka si Val, siya lang naman 'yong tumatawag sa akin eh.

"Hello," nakangiti kong sagot kahit na hindi naman ako nakikita.

"Johann."

Naikuyom ko ang kamao ko. Just one word and I know already who it is.

"Mom."

Himala yata at tumawag sila. Ano kayang meron? Tss.

"I checked your credit card."

Uh? Ano na naman?

"And?"

"I noticed that you're spending too much." What? Magastos ako? Eh halos hindi ko na nga ginagamit 'yon.

"I didn't spend more that 3k per month." I made sure of that dahil ayaw kong makarinig ng reklamo mula sa kanya pero bakit?

"Bakit hindi ka nalang humingi ng pera sa ama mong magaling? Baka nakakalimutan mo, ako ang nagbabayad ng tuition mo! 'Yong ama mo, pagkain at tirahan lang ang sagot sayo!"

What? Seriously?

"Mom."

I don't know what to say, hindi ko alam kung paano ko sasabihing hindi ko naman nakakausap si papa. He's like a ghost, oo nga't nagpapadala siya ng pera sa akin every month pero.. the last time I talked to him was 2 years ago.

"Yon lang naman ang itinawag ko, just try to moderate your expenses, naghihirap na ako dito."

She ended the call after that.

My eyes started to water.

Wala man lang bang 'Merry Christmas' o kahit man lang 'kumusta kang bruha ka? Buti buhay ka pa'? Wala na ba talaga siyang pakialam sa mga nangyayari sa akin? Katulad din pala siya ni Papa na wala na.. wala ng pakialam.

Obligasyon. 'Yan nalang siguro ang dahilan kung bakit nagpapadala pa sila  sa akin. Afterall it's their obligation to feed me, give me shelter, and send me to school.

I guess they really don't care about me anymore as their child. Sabagay, pareho naman na silang masaya kasama ang mga bago nilang pamilya. Kung mamatay man ako ngayon ay baka matuwa pa sila dahil mawawalan na sila ng obligasyon sa unwanted child nila.

I covered my face as I cried.

Bakit pa kaya ako pinanganak? Sana hindi nalang. And really huh? Naghihirap?

I think she has no idea that I'm stalking them, that I am stalking them and their new family.

I am not a fool to believe na naghihirap ka, Mom. I just saw your children flexing their designer items on social media, I saw them eating inside expensive and famous restaurants. And trip to Maldives and New York, huh?

Pasaan pa ang 3k na nagastos ko sa mga nagastos niyo?

"Bakit ang lupit lupit niyo sa akin?"

Ang bigat at sakit sa pakiramdam na wala kang malapitan at matakbuhan na pamilya dahil alam mong ayaw nila sa'yo.. at hindi ka nila tanggap dahil sa pagkakamaling hindi mo naman ginawa.

I picked my phone and threw it on the wall.

"Tanginang buhay! Bakit hindi nalang ako mamatay na!"

I have no idea on how long I cried, my mind just went back to reality when I heard a knock on the door.

Anong oras na ba?

Pinunasan ko ang luha ko saka ako tumungo sa pinto para buksan 'yon.

Nag-aalalang mukha ni Jaz ang bumungad sa akin. He immediately went inside and held my still shivering shoulders.

"Okay ka lang ba? Anong nangyari?" His eyes were full of concern, yearning, and affection. The things that my family failed to give me.

Umiling ako. I don't want to cry anymore. Ayaw ko ng isipin sila. I am so tired already, but these tears just kept on flowing, no matter how hard I've tried to stop them.

"Hindi ka okay." He stated like he already knew what happened. He hugged me and caressed my hair while planting kisses on them.

"Nandito na ako. Hindi kita iiwan."

Gusto kong maniwala na hindi niya ako iiwan, katulad nila. I held unto his shirt and hugged him tight.

"Don't...please..." pagod kong sabi.

"Hinding-hindi." He whispered before carrying me inside my room.

"W..Why?"

"Sleep, Harl. You need to rest." He kissed my eyes, like he's trying to stop the tears from flowing.

"You don't need to.." He kissed my lips lightly and quickly.

"Sleep, I'll just stay in the living room."

Marahan akong tumango saka ko ipinikit ang mata ko.

"Thank you," I am not sure if he heard it. But I am truly thankful for having him here with me..

And just like that, I fell asleep and woke up with swollen eyes after 5 fucking hours.

"Feeling better?" Mukha niya ang bumungad sa akin pagkamulat ko ng mata.

"A little." Bumangon na ako at chineck ang oras.

"8 pm?" Gulat kong sabi. "Ang haba ng tulog ko, sorry. Delayed na tuloy alis natin." I feel guilty dahil sa problema ko nadamay pa lakad namin.

"Don't be sorry and don't even think about it, it's alright. At least you're feeling better now, pwede namang bukas na tayo bumiyahe. Let's just stay here tonight." He gave me a smile and my heart skipped a beat.

Just like he said, I hope he'd never leave me or get tired of me.

"Thank you." Hinila ko siya palapit at niyakap ng mahigpit.

"Kung may gumugulo man d'yan sa isip mo at kung gusto mo mang pag-usapan 'yon, nandito lang ako." Seryoso niyang sabi habang tinatapik ang balikat ko.

Humiwalay ako sa kanya. I looked at him straightly in the eyes, thinking if I could trust him with my secrets. He did the same and held my hand.

"You're not alone, so don't think that you are. I am here, Harl."

I smiled and gave him the words that I've struggled so much to do my whole life. I took a deep breathe and said it with all my heart.

"I trust you."

I never thought that this time would come. I seriously didn't think that I would be able to trust someone..

To trust him, especially because of his flaws and past.

He blinked his eyes like he's surprised because of what I said, but after that, a smile escaped his lips.

"Thank you for trusting me. I will never break it, Harl."

That night, I told him all my worries, all the things that I've been keeping to myself for years, all my sufferings, hatred, concerns...everything.

I shared everything that's chaining me, all that prevents me from trusting and loving..all the things that made me hate almost everything around me.

And strangely... I felt a lot better and peaceful after blurting them all out.

"I'm sorry.. I didn't know.." he whispered while hugging me.

That's what he did. He patiently listened to everything that I've said, he hugged me whenever he thought I need it, he whispered comforting words which also helped me to feel better.

"Salamat.." I whispered with the sincerest voice I could give. We stared at each other's eye and shared a short kiss.

Kagaya nga ng sinabi niya ay ipinagpaliban namin ang biyahe. Kinabukasan ay maaga kaming tumulak, nakatulog pa ako sa biyahe at nagising nalang na nasa SLEX na kami.

"Saan ba talaga ang punta natin?" I curiously asked him. Ayaw kasi niyang sabihin sa akin, laging 'secret' o 'wag kang mag-alala ako ang bahala' iyong sinasabi niya sa akin.

Anyway, may tiwala naman ako sa kanya kaya itinuon ko nalang sa pagsosoundtrip ang atensyon ko.

"Here we are in the best years of our lives, with no way of knowing when the wheel stop spinning 'coz we don't know where we're going.." I sang while looking at the front.

"Nice voice." He commented kaya sinamaan ko siya ng tingin.

"Ano ka ba? Panira ka ng trip." Alam ko namang hindi ako sintunado pero alam ko rin na hindi rin kagandahan ang boses ko. Pasado lang sa hindi sintunado, 'yon!

He chuckled at biniro-biro pa ako pagkatapos eh samantalang no'ng siya na ang kumanta ay mas malala pa yata siya sa akin, malapit na siyang pumasa sa pagiging sintunado.

"Buti nalang gwapo ako." Nakangisi niyang sabi.

"Hangin." I commented.

Our trip went that way. Asaran, kantahan, biruan, at may moments ding nakakaidlip ako at ewan ko kung anong ginagawa niya kapag gano'n.

Nagising ako no'ng hapon na, agad akong tumingin sa paligid at narealize na nasa isang bario na kami. Medyo liblib nga at matalahib ang paligid. Biglang nagflashback sa akin 'yong mga nabasa kong kwento about serial killers.

"Judging your face, I know you're thinking something crazy again." Aniya kaya napatingin ako sa kanya.

"Ang creepy kasi." I blurted, trying to throw my thoughts away. I trust him and he said he'll never break it and I chose to believe in his words.

I looked at him and smiled. "Hindi mo naman ako papatayin, diba?"

Bigla naman niyang inapakan 'yong brake kaya napatili ako sa gulat dahil doon.

"What the hell?" Inis kong sigaw sa mukha niya. "Papatayin mo ba ako?"

"Anong sinasabi mo? Papatayin? What the fuck? What a joke! Ano ako? Sinto-sinto? Bakit ko naman papatayin ang babaeng mahalaga sa akin? Nakakatawa!" He resumed driving after that.

Hindi ko naman alam kung maaawa ba ako, magiguilty, o matatawa.

"Sorry na, bakit kasi dito tayo dumadaan? Iba na tuloy naiisip ko." I tried to explain but I'm really not good with it, unless it's school-related.

"Sorry din, kung natakot man kita sa isip mo. I was really surprised with what you say, like fuck, papatayin? Tangina!" He laughed after that. "And by the way, don't worry that much. Nasa Batangas tayo ngayon and we're going to one of the villas that our family owns."

My eyes widened because of what he said. "Batangas?"

It's my first time to be in this province! Taga Bulacan ako at ang lugar na napuntahan ko dito sa Pilipinas maliban sa kinalakhan ko ay Manila, Cavite, at Pampanga lang.

Sabi ko nga, hindi ako magala na tao dahil wala naman akong oras at pera para gawin 'yon.

"Yes, babe."

I smiled and it's now because of excitement. Sa wakas, fresh air! I opened the window and inhaled the cold December air.

Takipsilim na no'ng makarating kami sa villa nila. It's  native-inspired at hindi ko maiwasang mapahanga dahil sa disenyo.

"Ang ganda." I complimented while still looking around.

Sayang at hindi namin naabutan ang sunset pero may bukas pa naman, hindi ko nga lang alam kung kaylan ba kami babalik ng Maynila. Baka after Christmas dahil sabi niya 'for Christmas' kaya malamang dito pa kami sa Christmas.

Saglit kaming inilibot ng katiwala nila sa loob ng villa. Maganda at wala akong makitang pwedeng ipintas, may pool, at tabing-dagat din, ilang hakbang lang ay batuhan na, kung saan ay tila pasadyang inayos para magmukhang bridge. Malinaw at malinis din ang tubig dagat at naaakit ako kaya inalis ko na ang tingin doon.

Naisip ko naman, ang yaman pala nila at sana lang ay huwag akong mapagkamalang gold digger dahil hindi naman ang yaman nila ang habol ko. Tss. I don't even care about his riches!

"Here." He opened a spacious room after we ate dinner na nagpabundat sa akin, ang sarap kasi ng luto!

"Nasa tapat lang ang room ko. Don't hesitate to call me anytime." He smiled and kissed my forehead before leaving me.

I did my evening ritual, nagmuni-muni saglit, at pagkatapos no'n ay nakatulog na rin agad dahil siguro sa pagod mula sa biyahe.

I had a great sleep that night and I woke up early the next day, hindi pa nga lumalabas 'yong araw. I got excited when I remembered na katabi lang namin 'yong beach.

I wore my usual oversized white t-shirt and dolphin shorts saka ako lumabas. Nakasalubong ko 'yong katiwala nilang sumalubong sa amin kagabi, sa pagkakaalala ko ay 'Josephine' yata ang pangalan.

"Magandang umaga po." Nakangiti kong bati. She also did the same.

"Pwede ho bang maligo sa dagat?" Kuryoso kong tanong, agad naman siyang tumango.

"Oo naman, Ma'am. Maganda pong maligo ngayon dahil malalim po ang dagat. Kahit hindi na po kayo lumayo, okay na po d'yan pagkababa sa batuhan." Nakangiti niyang tugon.

Mas naexcite naman ako kaya agad akong tumungo doon at inilublob ang sarili ko.

I wonder if Jaz is already awake. Sigurado akong pagod siya sa biyahe kaya mas mainam kung tulog pa nga siya ngayon, para makapagpahinga naman siya ng matagal.

Hmm. Ang sarap sa pakiramdam. Pumikit ako at dinama ang pagtama ng mararahang alon sa akin.

Ang refreshing!

My eyes flew open when I heard a splash behind me.

"Good morning." Bigla niya akong niyakap at hinalikan ang ulo ko. "Hindi mo ako ginising." Nakapout niyang sabi.

Kawaii. Kainis!

"Ayaw kong isturbohin tulog mo, alam kong pagod ka kahapon."

"Hindi naman gano'n kapagod. Kasama ko 'yong pampatagal ng pagod ko eh." Aniya saka isiniksik 'yong mukha sa leeg ko.

Galing talaga nito manlandi, pati ako nakuha! Kainis.

We spent almost the whole day swimming. Masyado akong naadik sa dagat at buti nalang ay hindi gaanong tirik ang sikat ng araw kaya hindi kami masyadong nasunburn. Although I know that I already have tan lines, pero okay lang naman, I like tanned skin more.

"Good night, gusto mong d'yan ako matulog?" He jokingly said at mahina ko naman siyang sinuntok sa braso niya.

"Subukan mo! Bugbog ka!" Pagbabanta ko. Natawa nalang siya at hinagkan ako sa noo bago pumasok sa kwarto niya.

"Good night! Sleep well!" Nakangisi niyang sabi bago sinarhan ang pinto.

Effective nga ang good night na 'yon dahil mahimbing at payapa ang naging tulog ko.

Kinabukasan, December 24, ay inaya niya akong mamili sa bayan para sa noche buena at para makapaglibot na rin. I helped him bought stuffs dahil anak mayaman siya at halatang hindi sanay mamili.

"Marunong kang magluto?" He surprisingly asked me no'ng nabanggit kong marunong akong magluto ng afritada, kare-kare, adobo, at ginisang monggo.

"Ayaw mo maniwala? Lutuan pa kita!" Nagmamayabang kong sabi.

"Sige ba! Pag-uwi natin sa Maynila, lulutuan mo ako! Walang bawian n'yan!"

"Bakit hindi nalang dito? Para mapatunayan ko na!" Nagtataka kong tanong.

"Ayaw kong mapagod ka. Bakasyon nga tayo dito, kaya gusto ko enjoy ka lang muna. Just leave the cooking to Aling Josephine!"

Uh? I looked away because of what he said. Felt like my heart moved.

"Sus! Pa-fall talaga!" Komento ko makalipas ang ilang sandali.

"Ma-fall ka na kasi, nandito naman ako na sasalo sayo."

Eh? Paano kung...

Argh! Umiwas ako ng tingin sa kanya at nauna ng pumasok sa sasakyan.

Nawili kami sa kakapulot ng shells no'ng hapon, gawain daw kasi niya no'ng bata pa siya kaya sinubukan ko rin.

"Ang ganda talaga!" Puri ko sa papalubog na araw, nagkukulay kahel na rin kami dulot ng liwanag mula sa araw.

He smiled at me. "Mas maganda ang araw ko."

"Araw mo?" Babanat nanaman ba 'to?

"Because you're with me, everything's perfectly beautiful."

Oh?

"Bola nanaman!" Nakapameywang kong sabi. "Ang galing-galing mo talaga sa pagbanat ng mga ganyan, major pa-fall!"

He pouted. "Bakit kasi hindi ka nafafall? Wala namang kwenta kung nafall sila tapos ikaw hindi. Kawawa pa rin ako non." Tila nagsesenti niyang sabi.

Ang drama naman. "Tsk. Sad boy!"

Hindi siya nagsalita ng ilang segundo kaya napalingon ako sa kanya. I caught him looking at the horizon, like he's lost at something.. maybe his thoughts?

Ano kayang iniisip ng isang Justin Azrea Esguerra? I wonder.

"Hulog na hulog na ako." He suddenly said.

"Huh?"

"I already fell so hard, Harl. What should I do with it?" He stood and for the first time...

I think I saw him.. vulnerable?

"I thought I've prevented it already, pero isang beses lang, isang beses lang na nakita ulit kita... tuloy tuloy na.. walang palya." He looked at the horizon again and sighed.

"I fell so hard, Harl. And I'm doing my best to make you fall hard for me, too."

I'd like to think that he's joking but his bloodshot eyes were telling me that he's not..

"Uhm," I looked away, trying to arrange my thoughts. I know what I'm feeling but how can I say it properly?

I closed my eyes for seconds and prayed that I wouldn't regret what I'm going to say next.

"Jaz..." I called him, I know that my voice was shaky because of the nervousness that I'm feeling.

"Yes?" He tried to look at me but I averted his gaze.

Huminga ako ng malalim.

"Stop trying so hard now, because I already did."