Yeosang woke up with a headache and puffy eyes, still in his clothes. Pulling the blankets closer, he could smell coffee wafting upstairs to him.

This was enticing, but the room was cold, and his eyes were sore. But his mouth and throat. . . I need water.

He debated, and debated, but was still in bed. He looked up at a knock to the door.

"C-come in!" He cringed at his own scratchy voice.

"Good morning, love. I brought you some ibuprofen and warm water." Yunho smiled holding up the aid in his hands.

Yeosang mumbled a "thank you" before downing the pills. Heat from the water seeped through to his palms from the mug.

"Want to come down? I made coffee~"

Yeosang nodded in response but "in a second, I'll wash up and be down. Five minutes."

Walking to the bathroom, he saw himself in the mirror; he saw the soul next to his eye and sighed again. Thought of Seonghwa again. Felt sick again.

After washing, he headed down, and in contradiction to common knowledge, it was thankfully warmer on the first floor.

"What kind of coffee do you want? I'm having an americano."

Walking to grab mug, Yeosang responded, "I'll have one too, but do you have syrup?"

"Yep, top shelf in the pantry."

Yeosang reached the syrup, on his toes, and sentimentally added four pumps to his cup.

Awkward silence followed; they hadn't talked since his confession last night. But Yeosang was prepared for the worst.

"Yeosang, I, uh, I have some questions? About what you said last night. Well, really one question, that might have follow ups."

He nodded, trying not to grimace.

"When you say cheated, you mean you slept with-"

Yeosang's eyes widened and head shot up. "NO! No, no, no." Shaking his head, "Ew, Uncle, you know I'm not into that. Even if I was into that type of- uh-- action, I would hope I wouldn't go that far by mistake, even if I had been drinking." Now he really was grimacing.

But Yunho sighed in relief. Good; better than I feared.

"So when you say cheated. . .?"

". . . I made out with some guy."

Nodding his head, Yunho tried to think of how to help. The boy obviously regrets it. Desperately. But paired with his mental health, this probably makes it all worse.

"Why did you do that?"

"Ugh! I don't even know. Really, Yunho, I have no idea. I wasn't thinking at all. It didn't even have a reason. It was San's party, I'd been tipsy, caught up in the music- which isn't trying to be an excuse, I just- honestly it had no forethought."

He looked up into Yunho's eyes then groaned again, head back in his own hands.

"Yunho," he whined, "if you could've seen the look on his face, I've never felt so sick before."

His uncle raised a brow, "Who's face?"

"Seonghwa. . . He came back later that night. Apparently Eomma didn't need as much as he thought."

Oh. "So Seonghwa saw?"

Another nod.

"How do you feel?"

Being the dramatic child he was, Yeosang fell onto the floor and writhed, before curling to the fetal position. "I hate myself. I met my soulmate! My actual soulmate, and--ugh! I was so lucky. Too bad Seonghwa got stuck with me. . . He probably wants me dead."

Yunho's heart shot into his stomach at the last statement, but he tried to shake it away. "He's your Soul, he doesn't want that. But he's hurt." A moment later, "have you talked since that night?"

". . . no."

"Why is that?" Yunho asked.

". . . Neither of us have tried to reach out. Me because I'm obviously the guilty party and him because he probably doesn't want to hear from me. I was waiting to see if he wanted to talk, or wanted to just let each other go. . ."

"Yeosang!" The boy flinched. "Let each other go? What kind of thought is that?! You literally just said how lucky you were to find each other and to let each other go because of one screw up!" Yunho huffed leaning back into his chair, rubbing his temple. "Sorry, love, just--what the fuck?"

Then Yunho mentally slapped himself, then physically slapped himself to prove his point and get Yeosang's attention. Yeosang's been saying all this to himself already. I can see the despair in his eyes and just made it worse.

"Yeosang-ah, love, I'm so sorry for yelling at you. I can see how this is tearing you up, okay? I see how guilty you are because of it. I see your heart, okay?"

"You're right, though," came the reply from the floor.

Yunho knelt down, holding Yeosang, like the night before, "no, no sweetie. Seonghwa loves you. He wants you back."

But only tears followed this revelation.

I hate myself, you stupid idiot, Yeosang. Now you're hurting Yunho, too.

And in his uncle's mind, thoughts of the same, though directed the other way. Ugh, Yunho! Why did you yell at him. You know that doesn't help anything.

"Yeosang-ah, guilt and pain doesn't cure a person, it only makes one sicker. You understand that you messed up, you understand you hurt your Soul. But your guilt over the matter has gone too far; it's festering inside of you and multiplying until it consumes your very heart. You need to forgive yourself in order for Seonghwa's forgiveness to matter."

He looked at the boy, now calm, in his arms, and Yunho continued. "How can he love you, how can you love him, unless you first love yourself? And to do that, you must understand and forgive yourself."

~~~

The day passed slowly. They had breakfast and lunch in a soft silence. As afternoon came, Yunho bundled Yeosang up and pushed him outside holding a pen and stack of paper with the prompt to write his thoughts.

So there he was. October 12th. Out in the cold sun.

Yeosang wanted to write his Soul a letter.

In the warmth of his house, Yunho had the same inspiration.

Seonghwa, Yeosang started.

I'm at Uncle Jeong's house. Eomma sent me here because I won't talk to anyone. I love you. I hate me. I'll probably never show you this, I'm just rambling now anyway. Ugh. I miss you so much. Do you know how many times I've washed my lips since that night? Me neither. But a lot. They're sore. I want you to kiss them better. Sorry. You probably don't want to.

Yeosang looked out at the grass and thought. And thought some more. . .

About Seonghwa, but most importantly about himself. About what he did and why he did it. . .

His pen touches paper again.

I had no attraction to that boy. What-so-ever. I don't know why I kissed him, nor why I continued to kiss him. You know I'd been drinking, and please don't take that as any kind of excuse, but just know I wasn't thinking properly. I've never even looked at anyone since I met you. And even if I never see you again, I'll never look at anyone else. I desperately wish I could explain it to you, to myself too. Because I also have no idea why. And trust me when I say I'm far more angry with me than you are. I hate m-

He stopped writing. Then began again.

Sorry. Yunho says I have "negative self talk" and it's "strangling my heart." He made me promise not to talk to myself that way, even though I think it's totally deserved and logical. He says "hatred is never logical." So he says I have to stop hating me. But I want to hate me because it's easier that way. Ugh, Seonghwa Hyung, the look you had that night, I've never felt more sick. But thank you for coming back to the club, because I'm terrified of what would've happened if you hadn't.

Seonghwa, Yunho says you love me. You said you'll always love me. . . I don't know about now. But I'm positive I'll always love you.

Once tears began threatening to smudge the paper, Yeosang folded it in thirds to fit the business envelope Yunho had given him. He sealed it, folded it, and put it in his back pocket.

~~~

Inside, Yunho had thoughts of his own;

Jongho-ah, my love,

Happy, happy birthday! Do you remember that old camera you got on your 19th? I can't believe I lost the film for it. . . But thankfully I have many other photos. Jongho-ah, I miss you so much. Sometimes I hate you. But always go back to loving you until I can't stand it. I still often reach up and touch my neck, like you used to do, where our soul is; I saw Yeosang doing the same thing today. He's going through a bad time, Jongo--ugh, even your name is beautiful, Choi Jongho--Yeosang and his Soul are. I've never told anyone about our story. Only Mingi and Byul know because they were there. But I want, I think I need, to tell Yeosang. I want him to learn from you, from us. I want him to do better.

My love, I'll always love you.

***

A/N: 1-7-22 not me crying writing Jongho's letter 😖 💌

1500 words