Invisible Illness Call Me Karizma
March 22, 2020
*****

The office was someone's idea of homey. A love seat sat against the far wall; a couple of throw pillows rested on it. Closer to the door was an armchair. It looked a little restrictive, the intent meant to be a comfortable place to sit. Between the two sat the therapist's desk and chair. She sat on the edge of the armchair.

"It's nice to meet you, Stella."

"Dr. Montgomery," she interjected. She'd worked her ass off for that title and would be damned if she let some upstart therapist address her as anything else.

"Dr. Montgomery," she corrected herself. "I'm Kayla Brown." She leaned back in her seat, crossing her legs.

They stared at each other. Kayla leaned forward, eager to hear her speak. Stella wondered how much longer their staring contest would last. Studying the other woman further, Stella noted how plain she was. Her plain brown hair fell pin-straight and looked like it needed to meet with a volumizer. Stat. She wore no makeup and wore plain gold glasses. A plain blue t-shirt, jeans, and knock-off Converse only served to accentuate how easy it would be for Kayla Brown to blend into a crowd.

"So, what brings you here, today?" Kayla asked, snapping the silence in half.

Stella smirked – she hadn't blinked first. "I'm sure you've read through my chart. Dr. Patel has more than enough notes on me by now, I'm sure." She studied her nails, contemplating getting a rare manicure. It was only two weeks until she went back to work; plenty of time to have pretty nails for a while. Maybe a deep red?

"I have not."

Despite hearing the statement, she contemplated her nails further. Maybe a sparkly purple? That'd be a nice change. Or silver. It'd been a while since she'd done anything like this for herself. A decision like this really should be thought through. "That's a bit offensive."

She heard Kayla fidget, perhaps caught off guard by the comment. "I'm sorry?" the therapist apologized.

"No, you're not." Stella looked up from her nails, noting Kayla's pale complexion. Anemia, maybe? She could turn this into a game of diagnose the therapist; those were fun games.

"I prefer to make my own assessments. Why would you find that offensive?"

"I've only been a client here," she paused, continuing her personal game of diagnose the therapist. Kayla was not anemic, not unless she was already on iron supplements. "Ten years," she finished. "It's a bit offensive that my history means nothing."

But it made her game that much more fun. What about diabetes? Type one, maybe? There was a rather large bottle of water, possibly a sign of increased thirst. Pale skin would note low blood sugar.

Perhaps she should throw Kayla a bone? It wasn't quite as much fun to play when you already had an advantage. "Surely, your supervisor must have told you something?" Stella widened her eyes, hoping the doe-eyed look would throw her off.

Kayla's shoulders slumped forward as she sighed. "Yes, they did."

"Now that's good. What'd they tell you about me?" She found herself wishing for a cup of coffee; it'd be really nice to have something to drink right about now.

"Bipolar 1, with psychotic features."

"That's it?" Stella cocked her head to the side. Was that sweat on Kayla's brow? Yes, that was definitely sweat. Was she anxious? Or did this go back to her diabetic theory?

"C-PTSD, anorexia, bulimia, and a possibility of borderline personality disorder."

"And they gave you to me on your first day." She smiled at the way Kayla's eyes opened in surprise. "Poor thing. They must be desperate if they're saddling you with me."

"I'm perfectly qualified to deal with you!" Kayla crossed her arms, a trace of a pout hung about her lips.

"Yes, I'm sure that's what they told you. Now, did they tell you why I'm here?" Stella leaned back in the armchair and crossed her legs. This was going to be a good appointment.

"Dr. Patel feels that you are in strong need of addressing childhood trauma in light of recent circumstances."

Well, if that wasn't read directly off her chart, then she was a fool. And Stella certainly wasn't that. "Did they happen to say what those recent circumstances are?"

Kayla shrunk; perhaps she had been caught in a lie. "Dr. Patel-"

"I'm not worried about what she has to say. I'm well aware of that right now." She really could use a cup of coffee – there was nothing better than drinking in triumph. Rum on the rocks would be nice too – but she didn't do that anymore. She'd have to settle for buying a congratulatory coffee after – maybe iced. Today promised something higher than 70 degrees. And, ugh, breakfast.

"That you're taking in your younger sister."

"Yes, that'd be the current status of my life." Also, doctor on a month-long vacation. Thank you, Howie, for reminding them exactly how long she'd gone without a proper vacation. And in violation of hospital policy for working way too many hours. At least she had Kayla to entertain her right now. Now, just to find something to take her attention for the next three weeks.

Kayla took a deep breath; maybe trying to regain composure? "So, what's her name?"

"Luna." She might as well throw her a bone; she'd ran the poor girl ragged. Besides, Dr. Patel would be rather grumpy if she didn't play the game.

"Have you two met?" Kayla relaxed, possibly thinking that Stella wanted to open up

"Yes." One thing Stella learned throughout all of her years as a psychiatric patient: never ask a yes or no question; it allowed far too much room for malicious compliance.

"How'd it go?"

Oh, good, she was learning. "Well." Stella withheld the smirk that wanted to break out. Really, she should have done this last time she was bored. It would have been far better than a shopping spree.

Kayla's eye twitched. "What was good about it?"

Meeting her. Seeing flesh and blood that hadn't actively destroyed her. "I don't think I want to share that."

"Then what do you want to share?"

Stella was almost impressed at Kayla's quick recovery. Almost. "Psychology."

"I, what?"

"Psychology. It's why we're both here. To figure out the inner workings of my mind, right?"

Kayla nodded.

"So, educate me. What do you know about bipolar?"

Kayla, eager to have found an in, launched into a long explanation. Through the conversation, Stella nodded, offered encouragement, shared a few of her own (funnier) experiences. At the end of the session, she agreed to come back the following week. Leaving the office, she let the self-satisfied smirk come out. She'd gotten through an entire session without talking about anything important.

After picking up her new prescriptions, she took a short walk and found herself outside of a coffee house, where she ordered herself the long-awaited iced coffee and a tofu scramble for her dreaded breakfast. She sent Howie the promised picture of her breakfast before choking half of it down. She threw the other half out and ordered another iced coffee to go. Finished, she headed out to find a place to FaceTime with Luna.

Stella ended up in Rittenhouse Square, right where she would need to be for her lunch in an hour. Pulling out her phone as she sat down on a shaded bench, she noticed Howie texted her on her walk over.

Hey, that looks like a good breakfast. Heard you covered Keith with my tea this morning?

Yeah he was just there! What was up with that? I thought you said he ran on military time.

He does. Apparently Starbucks did not this morning. Gave me a good opening. I managed to find out about your date.

Did you now? Please, tell me my failures so I can move on from whatever that shit show was.

He's convinced he's the one who screwed it up.

She almost choked on her coffee at that text. The heck did he do?

You remember the umbrella we found?

Are you testing me today? How could she not remember that umbrella? She'd spent a good five minutes trying to figure out where the damned thing came from! She finally just gave it up and tossed it in her Wrangler for emergencies.

So, he says he asked you to be exclusive. You kind of freaked tried to leave, he gave you his umbrella and you fled into the storm.

Well that explained the umbrella, anyways. And why haven't I heard anything from him? He's apparently decided he has feelings for me.

He put the ball in your court. You got to reach out to him.

Ugh, thanks.

Fuck, that was annoying. She had to respond to a confession she couldn't remember? Who else had to do something like that? Maybe just letting it fizzle out would be best. She'd never have to worry about losing her mind in front of him again.

But that meant no more cat pictures.

Or time spent talking about anything. Like, the stars. Or books. Or even just smiling because he said something cute.

Fuck, she'd figure this out later. Luna. Luna needed attention. She opened FaceTime and called her younger sister.

Luna picked up almost instantly. "There you are! I've been waiting, like, all morning!" Luna rolled her warm chocolate eyes, trying her best to convey her annoyance for having to wait.

"I told you I had an appointment this morning," she said with a smile. "How was Cape May? You went with," she paused, searching for the name of Luna's friend, "Emma and her family?"

"Yeah! It was super fun. We got there at 6 and had breakfast. Emma showed me the best place to find these tiny clear stones." Luna moved to grab something, returning with a handful of some small stones. "She called them a diamond* of some sort." Her lips drooped into a frown. "What was your appointment for this morning? You're not sick like Poppy, are you?"

"No, I'm not sick like he is. It was just a regular checkup." She tried to reassure Luna with a smile and changed positions on the bench. Her pill bottles rattled when she nudged her purse.

The younger girl's eyes narrowed at her statement. "But, you're not sick, right?" The pain and worry in her voice lanced through Stella's heart. It was a reminder that Luna's childhood wasn't normal; maybe better than hers, but abnormal.

"I'm not sick," she offered one of her most assuring smiles. One of the ones that she used when trying to convince Howie she wasn't completely depressed, but this one met her eyes. Besides, it wasn't like this was a complete lie. Everything that made her ill was all in her head.

"You sure?" Luna's lips trembled, maybe on the verge of tears or on the verge of relief.

"Very." She kept her smile, letting it turn gentle. Stella hoped it was the same smile Melissa used 

to reassure her hundreds of thousands of time while she lived there.

In the silence that followed Luna relaxed her shoulders, the crease between her eyes disappeared.

"So, what are your plans for the rest of today?" Stella asked.

"Poppy wants me to read to him some."

"Oh? What were you thinking?" Maybe this time Luna would talk about a book Stella knew something about.

"A book called Darkness Within."

Never mind. "What's that about?"

"So, there's this family of dragons," Luna started.

Stella half-paid attention to the explanation of a trio of dragons fighting against a prophecy and an evil dragon king. Her mind wandered into her upcoming lunch appointment. It still bothered her that William Pennhurst wanted to meet with her this bad. What was the point about this? Pneumonia, while it could be life-threatening and severe, wasn't enough to warrant this much gratitude. Cole made steady progress from day one – all of it upwards. He was a textbook case of stupid teenager with too much money.

Not to mention, she wasn't thrilled at the prospect of seeing her older, male doppelganger again. Despite her protests, to her colleagues, that they really didn't look that much alike, it was unsettling how much they really did. The Ancestry app, deleted in a fit of rage, rushed to the forefront of her mind. She still had the time to download and see her results.

Her stomach rolled at the thought of that. The idea that she had other family members, largely unknown to her, hung out in the stratosphere. There was no guarantee that any other close relations took the same test. And there was no guarantee that they wanted anything to do with her. For all she knew, her father, or his family, were quite content to keep their life the way it was. Room for an outsider, no matter how successful, might not be there.

She remembered the e-mail notification, right before she and Howie boarded the plane back, that she had a message on Ancestry. She ignored that then. The thought of opening it now promised breakfast would have a repeat performance.

It was better to leave all of that alone.

Whoever they were, she did not exist to them. And they did not exist to her.

"Are you paying attention?" Luna's sharp tone cut through her reverie.

"Of course – you were just telling me how in the last book of the series they took down the Dragon King's biggest cronie."

Luna nodded her satisfaction but stopped the explanation of the series. "When I live with you, can we read this together?"

"Sure, we can."

The kid cocked her head to the side, a question forming. "Do you have books I can read?"

Stella recalled her bookshelves, full of erotic romance and medical journals. She'd have to find a decent hiding spot for her romance books; she was getting the impression that Luna would read anything she could get her hands on. "Not unless you read medical journals."

"I could try."

"And I can help," Stella responded. Luna wouldn't have to struggle to read anything medical related; not like Stella had as a kid. She'd spent hours at libraries pouring through medical texts, with a reference book and dictionary by her side. She could be a built-in one for Luna. "Oh, hey. I have a lunch meeting I need to get to. I'll talk to you later?"

"Wait! I got questions!" Luna's eyes were wide with the questions that bothered her.

"Quick, then." One of these days she'd have to learn how to say no to kids.

"Will I still be able to come see Poppy when I live with you?"

"Of course." She bit back the answer that wanted to come out – no fucking way in hell did she want to see that man ever again.

But Luna didn't have the same experience.

And Stella knew what it was like to leave someone important behind.

Luna relaxed, just a bit. "Can I come see my room this weekend?"

"If I've found a place by then. I'm looking at a few apartments tomorrow." She noticed the way her shoulder's drooped. "But, I can bring you out for a day. Show you the city some." Luna's eyes lit up, potentially already planning what she wanted to do that day.

"So, why don't you pick out a few things you want to do, and I'll plan it."

"Yeah! I'm going to go do that now! I'll talk to you later!"

"Talk later."

The chat disconnected, leaving her alone on the bench. With a heavy sigh, she looked up at Lacroix and forced herself to head over.