CHAPTER TWENTY TWO
( The Knowing Tears Me Apart )

BEING FRIENDS WITH Young-yi is unfortunately the same as trying to tame a raging storm, unwavering and chaotic. She weaves between the lines of truths and lies, always emerging with another witty response by the end of the conversation.

Fortunately, over the course of the days ( Or has it been weeks? Really, time flies ), Cha Jaehwa has grown an iron hide to her incessant teasing and her need for physical touch. The brushstroke of her mauled tongue becomes a soft whisper against Jaehwa's skin, and the conformity of friendship burrows into her bones.

( Eventually, she too settles in a corner of Jaehwa's heart, tugging close the blinds of the small and cramped space and refusing to leave ).

When she announces that Suho is to have a party room, no one has the heart to say no. Well, they try, but Young-yi is ferocious in her need to make herself useful now that she has taken residence with Suho's grandmother, and so they relent to her complaints. The feeling of being damaged goods, of having nothing to offer, is a feeling that Jaehwa would rather her friends not experience.

Jaehwa does her part in distracting the birthday boy with needlessly sappy birthday presents and heartfelt wishes. They spend the morning wrapped in their small world, leaving behind Si-eun and Young-yi to decorate a shell into a home.

The time dwindles in bursts of laughter and good-natured smiles, teenage youth and the flurry of sun before Spring's end, until it becomes the moment they knock upon the door, hands clasped and entwined in the others, cheeks flush with windswept kisses from the cold air.

Young-yi does not greet them, contrary to their expectations. Si-eun does, ushering them in kindly, motioning to the table laden with food and drinks with small movements. He has yet to completely shed the meek skin that cages him, but Jaehwa supposes growth cannot occur in the blink of an eye.

"You're back," He murmurs in that meek voice of his, eyes glimmering. Most of what he wishes to say, he swallows. Si-eun must carry essays of unsaid thoughts.

"Yeah." Suho replies, a bit of air stuck in his lungs. The rim of his waterline is stained red from his hasty wipes. In between his fingers sits the bag containing Jaehwa's gift, and he gently places it atop the table, as though afraid it will crumble to dust when removed from his grasp.

"Where's Young-yi?" Jaehwa asks as she slips off her coat, placing it on an empty chair.

The room is suffocating, lingering words left unsaid beginning to crawl up now that there is no one to subdue them. Jaehwa has tried forgetting about the ache in her bones — She really tries — but it's hard to place a bandaid on a broken bone, and it slowly begins to heal wrongly, bent and twisted against rotten flesh.

"She went to get something." Si-eun shrugs, pressing his lips together. He has no more answers other than the ones he has been given.

Jaehwa swallows away the bile that begins to sift in her stomach. She stares at Si-eun. She takes a breath.

It's okay, the voice in her head whispers, claws at her scalp, jagged teeth against her cheek.

Jaehwa smiles. "Okay."

They pretend everything is normal. For them, Jaehwa supposes it is. They settle against the couch, Suho with a drink in his free hand, controllers in their grip, and they play the rental games set on the TV. Skin against skin, friction of their warm clothes rubbing warm spots on their knees and shoulders, just enough to make Jaehwa forget of the biting cold that threatens to seep through her chest.

Suho's loud cheers fill the room every time he wins, and Si-eun stares blankly at the screen, as though for some demented reason his controller refuses to work. Jaehwa lets slip a few soft chuckles.

"Play with us." Suho begs when he finally has the power to tear his eyes from the screen, fingers tight against the controller to avoid losing his grip and his winning streak.

Jaehwa winces, trying to swerve the attack of his pleading face. It becomes easy to forget she was ever upset. Suho and Si-eun do a good job of distracting her.

"Fine." She relents, sighing to herself. Si-eun hands her a controller, none-too interested in the game, only playing because it serves to make Suho entertained.

Jaehwa wishes she wasn't so complacent. She wants to stay angry, but some part of her, the part that held all that rage within her, seems to have been lost with the last suture against her scalp.

The three play for what feels like hours to Jaehwa. Every few minutes she checks her phone, awaiting some sort of message from Young-yi, or a knock on the door, but it never arrives. Eventually, Si-eun's job of distracting Suho becomes useless the more his stomach begins to growl.

"Is Young-yi crawling back?" Suho whines, sitting cross-legged on the couch, his attention unwavering from the TV. "What's taking her so long? I'm starving."

The food on the table grows cold, but no one dares to touch it. Young-yi should be there, eating alongside them. Jaehwa's stomach growls in disapproval, as though her guts want to cry out.

"We can cut the cake later." Si-eun offers, his controller discarded on the small coffee table in front of them. "Should we eat without her?"

Suho pauses, an unrecognizable look flashing through his face. He scoffs. "Unbelievable."

Si-eun looks at him in surprise, as though he had just said something horribly offensive.

"That's a great idea." He agrees, a grin beginning to paint his lips. "I love it."

Jaehwa coughs out a small laugh as the birthday boy gets up from the couch and makes his way to the table, game controller forgotten amidst a bout of growing hunger.

"I'll try calling her." Si-eun adds in, and he is waved off.

"I'll eat when Young-yi gets back." Jaehwa stands firmly, not wanting to leave out another friend.

( Look how well it ended for them last time ).

"If you're hungry you can go eat." Si-eun tells her, beginning to dial Young-yi's phone.

The amnesiac shakes her head defiantly.

The air seems to grow heavy with an odd sense of dread, clogging the pores of Jaehwa's nose. She wants to pass it off as the beginning of a cold, but she grows worried for Young-yi when she doesn't pick up Si-eun's call.

"Where did she go?" Jaehwa mutters to no one in particular, taking her fingernail in between her teeth. She's careful not to rip a shred of her skin. Blood is something she hasn't been able to stomach, especially now that she sees it so often on those she loves.

"Did you guys know that microwaved pizza tastes amazing?" Suho asks, impervious to the doom lingering beneath the furniture.

"Jaehwa, come try." He calls as he takes his plate of pizza out of the microwave.

"Not hungry." She mutters, hiding the growl of her stomach with a throw pillow. Young-yi should be coming back soon, Jaehwa tells herself. Just wait.

"Ugh." Suho rolls his eyes and takes a seat at the table, his lips pursed in a fake pout. "At least sit with me."

Jaehwa sighs softly. Ahn Suho is such a kid.

( Perhaps it is better to experience childhood late than never experience it at all ).

She exchanges the plush couch cushions for the firmer chair, laying her head and arms in a heap against the cold painted plastic of the table.

Suho tries to get her to take a bite of his pizza, but Jaehwa wires her jaw shut, refusing to acknowledge the heavenly scent wafting right beside her nose.

There is a sudden noise from the couch, and Si-eun is standing and grabbing his jacket, brows furrowed only slightly.

"Where are you going?" Suho asks in surprise, a small string of cheese dangling from his lips.

"To the convenience store," He supplies mindlessly, fingers already closed tightly around the door handle.

"Wait!" Jaehwa makes a move to stand up. "I'll go with you. Maybe Young-yi ran into trouble."

For the first time, the meek and mild voice of Yeon Si-eun takes on a sharp, almost uncharacteristic tone.

"No." He says firmly. His eyes are wider, glistening and fearful like that of a kicked puppy. "I'll be right back, and it's cold. Just stay here and keep Suho company."

There is something almost pleading in his voice, hidden beneath the layers of painted falsities of a perfect model student. Si-eun has long forgotten how to be defiant.

( Still, he wants to protect. At least some small good thing in his life, pearls amongst pebbles ).

Jaehwa does not want to be protected. She is tired of being the injured sheep, the torn lamb with teeth marks against her skin, the fragile glass cup that has been put back together precariously.

She wants to know. It doesn't feel like too much to ask, but perhaps for them, it is better to leave secrets untold.

She stares at Yeon Si-eun. He stares back, pleading. Jaehwa, unwillingly, relents.

( She cannot bare teeth she does not own ).

"Okay." She glowers, her lips pressed in a thin line of displeasure. Like a wounded animal, she shrinks back into herself, afraid that if she tugs any harder, the frayed line connecting her to Si-eun will snap.

"Come back soon." Suho orders, staring at Si-eun curiously. "I can't wait for more than five minutes. I'm serious."

"I'll be back soon." Si-eun promises. "Go ahead and eat."

( Jaehwa knows this promise is not one he will be able to keep ).

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YEON SI-EUN, LIKE any other human being, is a liar. Promises are futile when there will always be one you cannot keep, and soon, the pile of broken ones will grow into an unclimbable mountain.

What is meant to be an occasion of celebration and joy soon grows into a dread of passing time, a poison that seeps further into the bones of both Cha Jaehwa and Ahn Suho the longer Yeon Si-eun is away.

By the first fifteen minutes, they realize Si-eun had not really gone to a convenience store. Jaehwa's suspicions are proven correct, much to her dismay. Worry gnaws against her gut, for her two lost friends who need to come home.

( How will a house stand without its foundations? )

Suho tries to fill the ragged holes of times spent nervously recounting the clock with idle chatter. His mouth keeps his mind at bay, speaking nonsensical words to avoid thinking of the truth.

His voice and presence, although faded to mere background sounds as Jaehwa's mind rapid fires any and all situations and reasons for Si-eun and Young-yi's disappearance, is a dull comfort.

Anxiety eats away at Jaehwa's body until she is a carcass of unsaid words and doubt. Guilt fills the holes that remain, and she begins to sink into the earth like quicksand.

( Jaehwa knows, deep down, that she should've tried harder to stay by Yeon Si-eun's side. Her fear would be her end ).

She awaits a call, a text, even. She waits until Suho is snoring away peacefully on the couch, and guilt has her by the neck because she knows what he doesn't, and she is drowning in the mess she has made for herself. Jaehwa waits until she can no longer wait, until the energy drinks on the table are crumpled and empty and the hunger in her stomach has dissolved into ill dread.

Jaehwa claws onto what remains of her consciousness, struggling to stay awake, struggling to lift her feet to the door, to run outside and find what she knows awaits her.

Sleep lays her against her grave, and Jaehwa knows when she wakes, the dread pooling like a tumor in her stomach will burst and will stain the room with her blood.

( Jaehwa knows, and it is the knowing that will haunt her until she takes her dying breath ).

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‎ ✧ AUTHOR'S NOTE !

a short and sweet chapter to commemorate the anniversary of moonchild !!!! a few days earlier than planned but better early than late so ^^

also peep the new banners because i finally got tired of the ugly ass banners i've been using for this fic and decided to make some decent ones LMAO it's not my best work but it'll do until vol 2 comes out and i make better ones

anyways prepare for a long author's note because i have a lot to say....!

to start, im so grateful for those that have stuck around this long, you guys are truly the best and i love you so so SO much you guys don't even understand. i love all your comments, they make my day!! special thank you to my faithful commenters loverayz , hollxe1 , and jutdwaezz , this one is for you!!

i feel like i give a piece of myself to everything i've ever written, but moonchild will always have a special place in my heart considering i wrote it when i was struggling with my mental health among other things ,, not to get too sappy or emotional but i truly love this fic as well as the show because it's honestly the best thing ever and i stand by that !! sharing jaehwa's story feels like an alternate version of myself, struggles and all (apart from the obvious amnesia, which can be seen as a metaphor to other things ofc) and for that i will always deeply cherish her regardless of how badly i write her at times ^^

with that said, here is a yet another chapter where i ruin your guys' life aka no happiness allowed because the last chapter was happy enough ^^ a short 2.5k word chap to snack on because i decided that including jaehwa into the fight would not really make for good content taking into account her character and therefore i decided to keep her as the 'outsider' !!

a small dive into jaehwa's doubts and fears, and how this moment will affect her psyche and how she slowly begins to blame herself once everything goes down 😈 stay tuned for more in the following months

next chap starts off on ep 7 , which im currently rewatching, and will hopefully make for a longer chapter (i want to make it to at least 3k words this time 😞)

also letting you guys know right now the cutoff for vol 1 will probably be 25 or less chapters BUT fret not because s2 is coming out soon and i will have plenty of content to immediately start working on vol 2 as soon as s2 is out !!! sometimes slow updates have their perks el oh el

if u guys have any suggestions for next chapter lmk PLEASEE bc i actually have no idea what im doing 😊 also opinions and so on would be appreciated xx

other than that pls lmk if there are any mistakes in the spelling or anything so i can fix it !

also don't b afraid to vote or comment, i will probably (very likely) reply!!!! and if you don't understand something, plsplspls lmk!! i want yall to fully understand what's going on

happy reads!

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─── ANNIE