CHAPTER THIRTEEN
( It Hurts To Be Something )

JAEHWA STILLS WHEN warmth surrounds her, cold weeping face with plenty of tears shed and rubbed raw by the wind.

Ahn Suho is unbearably warm, and he holds Jaehwa as though she is made of stone, trying to break her, to break through that tough exterior in hopes of finding the Jaehwa he knows.

Jaehwa thinks that in the fleeting lifetime she has known him — Ahn Suho has never once shed a tear. And it's alarming and exhilarating all the same, watching his cheeks stain red and his eyes grow sad.

Cha Jaehwa knows that Ahn Suho has never hated her. He has only hated her in words, but never once has his heart wavered from its bleeding rhythm of professing his unyielding truth.

( Ahn Suho is nothing more than a boy, and boys cannot stop loving what has stolen their heart and breath the first time ).

"I should've told you earlier," She confesses, and her voice cracks in all the worst places, but still she clings to Ahn Suho as though she knows he will never let go.

"We fought that day." Suho's voice is meek, bleeding through Jaehwa's shirt in a mixture of snot and sweat. "I thought you hated me this whole time."

( Ahn Suho has never been the bad guy. For today, he'd much rather prefer being the villain with the Moon in his grip than the hero with the Sun at his back ).

Jaehwa laughs sourly, and it feels clogged in her throat and dull to her own ears. She can't say anything, because the summer sun is too bright and her body is slowly being drained.

She says nothing, but clings tighter to Ahn Suho in an attempt to steal his warmth for herself. Maybe then, she can be molded into the Spring she had once been, and flowers might bloom atop the desolate chambers of her mind and wrecked body.

With Ahn Suho, such possibilities grow infinitely larger, as though he is the Sun himself, ebbing Winter into Spring.

"Sorry," She murmurs because that is all she can say when she knows nothing of the pain she has brought upon.

( Ahn Suho's suffering is only one of many strings attached to that ugly scar on the back of Cha Jaehwa's head. Her memories hinder their happiness, and she wants, she wants nothing more than to feel again ).

Bitter tears fall from Jaehwa's eyes, and Ahn Suho is there to gently wipe them away. He ignores her apology, because it means nothing to him other than a placeholder for something that isn't there. There is no reason for an innocent girl to apologize for something that works far beyond just Ahn Suho and Cha Jaehwa.

For that reason alone, Suho will look past the ache in his knee, the countless nights spent staring blankly at drying flowers sitting in a vase in the corner of the hospital room, the pain and guttural sensation in his stomach when he realizes that Cha Jaehwa is not his anymore.

Because at the very least, there is a Cha Jaehwa willing to let him hold her in ways she had never before.

Ahn Suho tightens his grip, and he can feel the grooves of Jaehwa's spine against his fingers. If he listens closer, he can feel her mellow heartbeat as it beats in agonizing synchrony with his own, and Suho hates it when he feels Jaehwa's tremors beneath his embrace.

Even if Cha Jaehwa doesn't know him, no matter what Ahn Suho does, he simply cannot forget her.

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‎THERE IS AN achingly familiar room above the gym, and Cha Jaehwa distinctly feels that if her memory had been intact she would recognize this place in a heartbeat.

Snack bags litter the concrete floors and water bottles are stacked in a corner of the stuffy room. There is no furniture other than a couch.

"This is where we used to hang out." Suho supplies with a small smile, gentler than ever before.

( Had Ahn Suho ever been this gentle? Had he shed his Summer coat and become Spring in her stead? )

"Oh," Jaehwa says softly, running her fingers on the old couch's arms. "It feels familiar."

Ahn Suho brightens at her words, but she doesn't have the heart to tell him that it's more of an innate realization that she knows something about a place, not that she remembers.

It's overwhelming, being with Ahn Suho. The more time she spends with him, the more she realizes that he looks identical to the boy she had so vigorously tried to remember, painting his face and tacking it to her walls.

( She realizes that this is the face she'd always seen Ahn Suho wear ).

Neither of the two want to break the fragile peace they've established, because that means tearing down barriers and talking about things better left unsaid. Cha Jaehwa is not mad at Ahn Suho, and neither is Ahn Suho mad at Cha Jaehwa.

They can overlook their rocky reunion if it means the aches and pains that pinprick their hearts will be erased with the memories.

( Or at the very least, Jaehwa can ).

"Did I come here a lot?" She asks, taking a seat on the couch. Ahn Suho does the same, fiddling his fingers and playing with the fabric against his knee.

"Yeah. You used to come every few days to watch my matches or just do homework when your parents weren't home." He says softly, and Jaehwa can tell he's thinking of a time when they had been entwined.

Used to. Jaehwa used to do a lot of things. Not now, not anymore. She feels sorry for Ahn Suho. He carries their story on his shoulders without her help, desperately trying to keep a sinking ship afloat while she drags it down.

"You still box?" Jaehwa remembers a fleeting glimpse of a dream where she stood beside Ahn Suho's bedside and watched him break before her very eyes.

Suho shakes his head, and doesn't look Jaehwa in the eye. "Not professionally. Not with this knee."

Jaehwa swallows. "When I first woke up, I had a dream. You were in it, with that same injury. You . . . said it was my fault."

The boy's eyes snap up to meet Jaehwa's. He grabs her tightly by the shoulders. "You remember?"

Her heart sinks. "It was my fault?"

"No! No." Ahn Suho's eyes shake just as much as his body. He tries to say the words, but they mean nothing when Jaehwa is already falling into a pit of despair.

Had she ruined Ahn Suho's career before it even began?

"Jaehwa-yah. It's not your fault."

So she cries in Ahn Suho's arms the way she might've done once in a different lifetime, and he holds her softly, feeling her tears ebb away the pain he long carried in his knee.

( For Ahn Suho, Cha Jaehwa means everything. It hurts Cha Jaehwa, to be something to Ahn Suho, but perhaps it would hurt worse if she were nothing ).

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‎ ✧ AUTHOR'S NOTE !

um im back from the dead !!!! i swear i tried so hard to post this chap earlier but i honestly couldn't even get my ideas out the way i wanted to so its not as good as id like but !!!!

ik a lot of u are happy about the (although pretty half assed) communication arcccc ‼️‼️ i feel like i blew it over too quickly tho and suho and jaehwa still have a lot to talk ab in regards to their feelings and past and etc so hopefully more of that in the futureee !

sorry to make u all wait like a month time honestly flies i swear my last update was like a week or so ago 😭 anyways

next ch i'll be (finally) getting back into canon!! ik i keep saying this but this time im being fr ! gonna start introducing the actual characters like beomseok and later the loan shark crew or wtv their names are (i forgot) but yes ! so angst on the way xxxx

this chap is dedicated to a certain someone who reminded me to update and i said soon ( it was not soon at all in so sorry LMAOOO but yk who u are !!! )

if u guys have any suggestions for next chapter lmk PLEASEE bc i actually have no idea what im doing 😊 also opinions and so on would be appreciated xx

other than that pls lmk if there are any mistakes in the spelling or anything so i can fix it !

also don't b afraid to vote or comment, i will probably (very likely) reply!!!! and if you don't understand something, plsplspls lmk!! i want yall to fully understand what's going on

happy reads!

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─── ANNIE