When I was younger, I told myself that I will be like the sun, and I will do whatever it takes to be the sun. Mainly because it still shines effulgently despite being hated and unappreciated by almost everyone. Thus, I really wanted to have my own light and depend it not on anyone—just like Sol. 

    I even remember telling a girl that my presence may not be the best, but I won't abandon. that I won't let anyone walk the path of lonesomeness, and I will shine for them so that someday, they can also shine for themselves. Hoping that it will make them find the light within themselves. 

    And you know what happened? 

    I failed. 

    I became the moon.

    "Costanza, Cresentine." 

    I was dragged back from my reverie. My eyes then furrowed at the sensation of the scorching light from the window, and in an instant, the familiar urge to smash my head on the desk crawled up into my system. But since it's too absurd and I don't want my classmates to see another shit show directed by yours truly, I decided to cover myself with my worn out jacket and waste another day. 

    "Costanza, Cresentine!" muling sigaw ni Ma'am Diaz, kaya napabuga nalang ako ng hangin. 

    "Present," I finally said upon raising my right hand. And although I'm not looking, I can still imagine her squinted eyes, with an irritated face who's probably cursing me in her mind right now. But still, Ma'am Diaz would choose to divert her gaze into her class record as she'll continue to check the attendance. And I'm not wrong actually. 

    The next day seemed to have no difference either. The mess that I am continues to live a life without the urge to be alive. I'm literally just pedaling my way in this godforsaken city of Loserfer, with my umbrella, moon-like colored hair, faded jacket, jeans and hope. Just waving my idle existence like a flag so that people would know the empty shell that I become. In that way, they can fill me with shits that's basically according to their own good. 

    "Cres naman, andito ka ulit? Tapos na ba ang klase mo?" bulalas ni Mister Jackson pagpasok ko sa shop na pinapa-part time-an. Itinabi ko ang kulay abong payong sa gilid ng entrance bago ito nilingon. 

    Nakaupo ito sa may counter habang nanonood ng masalimuot na balita tungkol sa bayan. Kung tutuusin ay bumabagay sa maputla niyang kutis ang buong ambiance ng shop ngunit kahit gusto ko man itong puriin, napalunok nalang ako nang laway at mas pinili na itong lagpasan. 

    "Magta-trabaho po ako ngayon," giit ko pa. Ginawaran ko ito nang ngiting alam din naman niyang hindi totoo, dahilan upang mapakamot ito sa batok.

    "Ikaw talagang babae ka para kang iyong anak ko, sige na nga, i-display mo nalang iyong bagong stock ng mga costume na nasa likod." He pointed the door using his favourite severed hand stuffed toy, so I just nodded and turned my back.

    And upon entering, the dark room greeted me with the familiarity of its scent. It was like a dirt and a brand new clothes, with a mix of dead rat and the strange aroma of a cappuccino coffee that absolutely made me want to throw up. Minsan hindi ko nalang din talaga alam kung sales lady pa ba ang pinasukan kong trabaho o apprentice ng isang serial killer e.

    Pagak akong napasinghal dahil sa mga isipin at hinila palabas iyong isang box na naka baba na sa rack. I then started to make myself busy, like I always do. It's almost two years, honestly but I still tend to overwork so I could get her out of my head.

    But maybe shits was really for me because even the costumes I'm trying to hang reminds me of what her body used to wear whenever she's joining a cosplay event.

    Indeed, no matter where I went, all I could see was the glimpse of her caramel eyes, and the warmth of her vibe. Every single day, all I could feel is her presence even if she's no longer in the present.

    "Cres, gabi na, hindi ka pa ba uwi?" tanong ni Kelvin, iyong anak ng may ari ng Costume Boutique. Kunot noong napa angat ang tingin ko dahil doon at bahagya namang mapasinghal nang mapagtantong tama siya. Ni hindi ko man lang namalayan ang oras. 

    Agad na akong tumango at nagsimula nang mag ligpit. Napansin kong nakasuot parin ito ng jersey at mukhang hindi pa nakaka-akyat. Well, nasa second floor lang kasi ang bahay na tinitirahan nila, kaya baka nga ang awkward nga na halos maghahating gabi na pero andito parin ako. Ngunit imbis na magmadali ay ipinagkibit balikat ko lang ito at kalmadong nagpatuloy sa ginagawa.

    "Pero saan nga ba kasi ako uuwi?" bulong ko pa sa sarili habang kinukuha ang mga gamit sa counter. Ngunit sa kamalas malasang resulta ay mukhang narinig din naman niya.  Suminghal ba naman ng malala. 

    "Gusto ko sanang sabihin na 'Home is a place where a person belong' Pero knowing you, sasagutin mo lang ako na, 'But Alex is where I always belong and she's not here anymore so I'm basically homeless', kaya heto nalang, shot," mahaba niyang turan at inilahad pa sa akin ang hawak na energy drink na animo'y makikipag cheers.

    Matamlay kong tinitigan ang hawak niya at maya maya pay pinanliitan ko ito ng mga mata.

     "Well, I also want to say that taking energy drink at night is so dumb and useless but everything in life is dumb and useless tho, so nevermind," sagot ko nalang at kinuha ang payong ko malapit sa entrance.

    "And I know you're just doing that so you wouldn't fall asleep, so yes, cheers to this fucking shits." Walang buhay kong ifi-nist bumb ang nakalahad niyang energy drink, at nagpaalam na.

    But before I could finally open the door, he again called me, with such a serious expression. 

    "What?" 

    "You gotta move on okay? Saka umuwi ka ng maaga, bilog pa naman ang buwan," giit niya lang na naging dahilan upang mapakla akong matawa. 

••• 

    Despite Kelvin's warning, I never went home just yet, and decided to roam around the outskirts of Loserfer City. It's closer to my house so I just let the wind and dancing trees guide my destination. 

    Apparently, it's about to rain but the glowing full moon still finds a way to illuminate the sky. The crickets seemed to be whispering me to stop my tracks and go back to my place too, but I couldn't care less about anything since I'm so damn free to do what I want.

    Nang makarating sa may ilog ay muli kong ipinarada ang bisikleta at naupo malapit sa batuhan. Tadtad ng signage ang paligid, ngunit nagmukha lang akong nagpi-picnic sa gilid katulad ng dati, noong kasama ko pa ang kababatang si Alexandria.

    Mariin akong napapikit ang dinama ang mararahang patak ng ambon. I couldn't even help but remember how she really hates it when it's raining so despite how I love dancing to it, I found myself following her under the huge acacia tree to shelter ourselves.

    I reroute my gaze on the said place and a flashback of our thirteen years old self, knocks into my senses. It was dark and I was soaked in the rain with such a bright smile on my face. Alex, on the other hand, gave me an earful for being so stubborn, but I ended up kissing her cheeks. Because no matter how intense she'll throw me her death glare, I'll always think she's beautiful. 

    "Sorry na nga! I just wanted some freedom, you know... Because you're being overprotective again." I pouted, but it just made her lose her cool even more. 

    But instead of snapping, she just closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She then patted my head in return. "But if nobody's there to care and protect you at all, would you still call it freedom or loneliness?" 

    "Its damn fucking, both," I muttered, and inverted my eyes into the cruel night skies. Because these past two years, all I ever did was to breathe. However, even gasping for air seems to be a tormention. It was as if my lungs grew itself some thorns, it was as if I survived but could not be alive at all. 

    "It feels like I live, only to die every single day," I whispered in the thin air as if it would reach Alex.

    Because as much as I don't want to face it, losing her just made me feel like I was empty-hearted, dysfunctional, and that the only thing that was left in me was my pulse. Gone was the spark in my eyes, nor the willingness to do better.

    And there it was, everyone kept telling me to embrace my name and be like the crescent moon. To keep going, move forward and that being incomplete shouldn't make me feel bad, because I can still complete myself someday. 

    But that actually overwhelmed me more, for even the crescent moon keeps on completing itself just to be incomplete again. You see, the moon phase is going in circles. It feels like doing everything I can to be whole, just to wait for a certain time where I'd be broken again. 

    Starting again is like another moon phase, moving forward is like another moon phase. Everything is like another moon phase and I'm too exhausted to strive harder, especially when I know that trying to complete and fix myself will only break me someday. When everything's not enough still, and will never be.

    A weak smile formed into my lips as the raindrops tried to hide my tears. I lifted my head to smell the air as I utter the words I've been dying to tell her. 

    "I fucking miss you."  

    "Eh? You miss fucking me?"  

    With a creased forehead, I immediately turn around to face the creature behind those horrible, and misheard sentences. There, I saw a familiar girl who's kinda taller than me.

    She was wearing a white long sleeve polo and black slacks. Her short hair was even tied into a half bun, and if it wasn't for her voice and chest, I'd definitely mistake her for a man. 

    "And now you're staring at my—"

    My eyes widened and before she finished her phrase, I immediately cutted it with my own explanation. 
   
    "No, you rumbled it up and I'm not staring at your boobies!" 

    "Eh?"

    "Eh?!" 

   Nagkatinginan pa kami ng ilang saglit ngunit tuluyan din itong napahagalpak sa katatawa. Agad namang nag init ang pisngi ko dahil doon kaya naman ay mabilis na akong nag iwas ng tingin. 

    And there it was, as expected, the light rain continued to pour, but the second full moon from this month still outshine the gloomy clouds. Seems like it's claiming its throne as we're basically under the blue moon, at the rocky side of the Blue Devil River. 

    It was just like when Alex and I first met when we were six. It was also like when she drowned herself in the said river, ten years later. This is where I first and last met her, and the girl in front of me might share the same fate as Alex does if I won't do anything. 

    Because it's a damn cycle.

    So there, I took a deep breath and gathered all my courage to speak.

"H-hey Sariel, not to be a creep or anything, but will stay the night with me?"