Hello, I am having a very tiring day and Clearsight is my comfort character. Bon appetite I guess.

***

You never wanted any of this.

You didn't want fame, or glory. Because all they ever meant to you was a thousand eyes burrowing into your scales, searching for answers you don't know how to provide. You just wanted to be happy.

Like you and him always talked about, on lazy summer afternoons when you had nothing better to do. You wanted to move in together, get married, finally meet those dragonets you'd spent your whole life dreaming of, and give them the best lives, the childhood you never got, full of innocence and laughter and endless days of fun. You would have grown old together, in that house ridiculously far off the city, that no one else wanted except you, surrounded by daisy meadows and tall, green grass. The kind of place you could imagine growing old in, spending every day at his side.

You wanted to not be afraid. You wanted to look into his eyes, and know that the dragon in front of you was here to stay. You wanted to do like he always said--live in the present, for just a little while. You wanted to let down your guard--but you've never been very good at that.

How can you, when you've spent your whole life seeing the ways the ones you loved most might die, or betray you, or move on someday? You have always felt so distant from it all, ready to dissociate and float high above your life at the flip of a coin. If someone shook you awake right now and told you it was all just a dream, you wouldn't be surprised.

You did get that future, in a manner of ways. But only with a price tag attached. Only with screaming and crying and a million wrong turns, that home you always imagined spending the rest of your life in shattered to smithereens. 

Because you are not infallible. You are not a god. You can't fix him, you can't love him better--you can't protect everyone. And you wish you could rip yourself to shreds for that, sometimes. For every mistake, every imperfection, every time you failed them, made a wrong turn achingly obviously in hindsight. You are trying to be better about that. But it doesn't come naturally.

If you had to, you would still do it over again, though. For quiet nights together, laughing about some weird inside joke, his wing over your shoulder. The way he touched you like fine china, soft and reverent, and always kind. The look in his eyes, when he found out you were going to have a daughter. For her first words, her first steps, for shining innocence you would have protected with your life. Each brief, fleeting moment of peace sweet enough to make you cry. A thousand trips to the sea.

You remember, a conversation you had with him, a long time ago, back when Shadowhunter wasn't even an egg. About running away to the Lost Continent, or maybe some remote island near it, like Fathom and Indigo did--a small pocket of utopia, just big enough for your new family. You wonder what your life would be like, if you had done it, every time you look out towards the horizon. You imagine white sand beaches, lazy days with nothing to do--but most importantly, a family. Without scars, and burns, and broken bones and bruises.

But it's just a fantasy.  There was a time when you would have done it in a heartbeat, but you couldn't anymore. 

You are not the type to run away, to surrender in the midst of a battle. You are kind, but you will never be weak. Even though you feel like it some days, the truth is, your quiet strength is more powerful than anyone will ever know.

You'd do well to hold it close.