Chapter 2

I didn't move from the couch for the rest of the day. Switching between constantly crying and shaking. Time passed and when I look at the clock above the fireplace it had ticked over to five in the afternoon. The light from outside the living room window began to fall, painting an orange and blue masterpiece upon the sky. Suddenly, the sound of a key entering the door grabs my attention. It must be April; I gave her a key to come over whenever she was too tired to drive home from medical school. I try to leap up to compose myself but the duct tape pulls me down. The sound of her shoe's echoes on the floorboards. As soon as she sees me laying on the couch covered in duct tape she almost screams. I look up with her in panic and relief. April is gorgeous and what I could only describe as a genius and way out of my league. With her cute button nose, A 'Gym' made body, dimples when she smiles, hazel skin as result of her half Filipino mother and amber eyes she inherited from her Swedish father. Outside of her looks we don't know much about her parents; she was taken into foster care at three years of age.

"Holy fuck, are you OK Leo?" April says racing over to me.

"What's wrong?" She asked kneeling down in front of the couch.

I tried to gather some strength to tell her but I couldn't hold back the tears. April sits next to me and pulls me to a sitting position. I have known April since grade three, but even after all these years my feelings for her have stayed the same. Feelings I was too scared to tell her about; feelings I guess I still hide in that old wooden box. Her hazel eyes gaze into mine as she asks me again.

"What's wrong?" With trembling hands, I wipe my tears away. "I had a breakdown," I mumble.

"What brought this on," She asks.

"It sounds pathetic, but I think it was because of my birthday last week. It trigged something inside of me and I can't shut it off. I can't help but think my entire life has been a waste. I've played it safe, I have never taken any real risk," I say.

"You have full cream milk in your coffee everyday instead of skim milk, if you ask me that is living life on the edge," April says and just like that I couldn't help but smile through teary eyes.

She smiles back and continues "Look here Scrotum-Jaw! why don't you go out there and take some risks, have fun, jump out of a plane, ride a bull, eat McDonalds and survive. What's stopping you from living your life to the fullest?!"

I pause, search the halls of my consciousness, grab hold of an answer but stopping myself from saying it.

"Well?" She says as she raises her eyebrows and brushes her long brown hair behind her ear.

I look down and breathed deeply, "it's fear, I'm scared of being rejected, of making a mistake and looking like a fool," I say.

"Listen to me Bi-curious-dick face, the soon to be doctor version of me would tell you talk to a professional, but the friend in me knows that you just need to go out into the world and live a little," She says.

"I guess you're right," I say as my shoulder relaxes in defeat.

"I know I'm right," she says scrunching her button nose and smiling.

April had this way about her. Ever since my mum escaped my father's abuse when I was in grade four whenever I found myself slipping into the darkness, April would always bring me back into the light.

"Seeing that you have never taken any holiday or sick pay from work for the past eight years, why don't you go out and deal with your regrets head on. Just write a bucket list of everything that you have never chased because you were too afraid," She says.

"I can't, work needs me" I argue with my shaky voice.

"you have given everything to that company maybe its time to give something back to yourself," she says pointedly.

"I can't," I say looking down avoiding her every eye contact.

"Listen to me genital-lips, you can't just ignore your issues anymore. Today was a wakeup call, what if things were worse and you hurt yourself? Luckily, that didn't happen, but you need to deal with your shit now before it's too late," she says with a tick of her jaw and gritted teeth.

I tried for the next hour to argue against April's idea, but fighting with someone who is right truly got me nowhere.

"Just write the fucking bucket list Leo," She says exasperatedly.

"I'll write it tomorrow," I sigh.

"You better fucking write it, but a bucket list sounds too soft, it doesn't inspire a call to action," She says looking up as if she was searching for an idea upon the ceiling.

I look at the clock on the wall as it hit seven at night, all I wanted was for this day to end.

"the bucket list is fine, what else could we call it, the fear list?" I say.

"The take back my mother fucking life list," She says in return as if we were playing a game of tennis.

"I don't know, maybe the dream list or the fuck it list?" I say.

April clicks her fingers and points at me, "That's it," She says as her eyes widen.

"Which one, The dream list?"

"No, the second one," She replies.

"The fuck it list?"

"Yeah, the fuck it list, I like the sound of that," She says.

I smile and the last of my tears dry up, "Ok, fuck it list, it is," I reply.

"you can ask Jackson to go with you?"

"But Jackson is a man child," I say as the adhesive of the duct tape on the middle of my forehead began to sting.

"Exactly, who is better to go have fun with than a man-child who doesn't five a fuck what other people think," She says.

I go to speak but April interrupts me," I'm sorry, but this is driving me crazy," she says ripping the duct tape off my forehead.

"jeez, you could be more gentle," I pout with puffy cheeks.

"I'm sorry, but you try to have conversation with someone who has duct tape stuck to their face," She says.

"True," I say as we both let out a laugh at the same time.

I pause for moment, gaze out the window to see that sun had now been replaced by a glowing moon reminding me that it has been a long day.

"So, are you going to write this fuck it list? Because if you don't! You are going to keep having these breakdowns and next time, I am going to find you buying a convertible, getting one ear pieced and getting a god-awful spray tan," She says brushing lint off her medical scrubs.

"Fine, I'll go write the fuck it list with Jackson in the morning. Thanks for being here for me April," I say letting go of tense a breath I had been holding on to for way too long.

"What are friends are for, now go relax," She says

She hugs me tight. Then, as she pulls her body from mine, the duct tape rips off what little hair she has on her arms. I get up and go to walk to my room. April Grabs my wrists, scrunches her chin, raises her eyebrows and widens her eyes as if she was a puppy filled with sadness.

"You sure ok," She asks.

"I will be," I say adverting my eyes and walking away.

Upon entering my room, I heard April start watching terrible reality Tv shows. It was still only early but I had barely enough strength to even keep my eyelids open. I peel off the rest of the duct tape, jump into my soft bed. As slowly drift off to sleep my mind begins to wonder ... how strange it is that this thing we call reality is light waves entering your eyes, running down your optic nerve where your brain paints a picture using the light waves as its paint. But that's only one layer of reality. The second layer is your consciousness placing labels on that picture, deciding whether it's beautiful, sad, joyful, or dark beyond belief. Sometimes these labels can come preloaded before the picture is even finished, hiding in the dark reassess of the mind ready to pounce. Labelling it as 'terrible' before the picture is even half way done.