What you want is someone to take hold of you.  

Gently, gently, 

with love. 

***

I feel warmth along my arm. It settles in my skin- a comfort that I am used to.

I open my eyes and see blue. Darkened by the shadows but still the majestic color.

"Go back to sleep," he whispers.

My eyes close as his hand continues its path, brushing aside hair, lips meeting forehead. Fire crawling under and over me, settling in my chest.

Peace.

Peace was a color mixed with reds and whites. Bold yet pure. Crimson of chaos and brightness of light. Mixes of pinks to soften the two. Areas of collision that formed to create.

I move closer to him, letting his hand guide the path to show me where I should go. Under his chin, with arms wrapped around. Feeling his breath and allowing my sigh to mix with his.

Comfort.

Comfort was a color mixed with yellow and sapphire. Emerald made into two contrasts with a spectrum of many combining to one. Both sides gradually combining to create the feeling of the sun and water- leading to the image of life and pure existence.

"You are still working late."

His body moves closer.

Closer.

No space between.

Arms wrapped around. Silence stepping away whenever it hears our whispered words.

"I have to," he said. "The pack is growing. There is a lot that has to get done."

I still - moving my head to look up, but his chin presses down on me, forcing my eyes to stay where they are.

"Let me help you."

"Lexie."

I kiss his neck- the only place I can reach.

His breath stops. Shallows. Shudders.

His grip tightens.

I let lips collide with skin again.

"Atlas."

A noise leaves him that makes the hairs on my arms stand. It makes my body become alert- and the thought of sleep running away.

"Let me help you."

Again.

Again.

Small kisses. Soft kisses.

For him. For him.

Always for him.

"You don't have to."

"Please."

The word hangs between us. Finally, he moves me away, letting space fill to allow for me to see and drown in blue.

"I'm your Luna."

He doesn't speak. My hand reaches- extending out to touch his face.

His eyes close and the darkness is the only thing I see. Greys and blacks with the white of the moon.

An old picture absorbing and letting colors drip away.

"You said you would need me. You told me that one day I would have to step up and become your Luna."

"It's too close Lexie. You are still recovering."

"I..." I can't find words to describe it. Memories would never leave. Only fade. I couldn't figure out a way to convey that I was ready. I wanted to be his support as he was mine. I wanted him to know I was there.

Broken. Broken. Broken.

Did he want or need something shattered that had the potential to accidentally cut. Actions that would harm, illness that would seep in with the coming and going of the mind. Strength that easily crumbled from my hands when a single thought spontaneously surfaced -leaving me breathless and weak.

"I want to help you."

His kiss is the one to find me now. Lips to forehead. Staying a second more before pulling away.

"I want to help."

A small noise of protest is heard from him as I push away and rise. I walk to the window, placing my back to him.

My hands twitch. My eyes involuntarily go to the half finished canvas. I try to push away the thought- the urge. My body steps closer until the brush is in my hand.

"Lexie."

I keep my back to him.

"Go to sleep Atlas."

No luck. I knew he wouldn't listen. His arms encircle me, prying my lifeline from my fingers and setting it down. He turns me to face him.

"Eventually," he promises.

I shake my head.

A frustrated sigh leaves him. His hands run through his hair as he continues to stare down at me.

I begin to turn but his words snap me into attention.

"Don't touch it."

My body follows his command as I turn back to look up.

His fingers reach and softly grab my chin, moving my eyes to connect with his.

Eyes on me. Eyes on my. Eyes on me.

"When?"

He doesn't speak. Maybe he was looking for the right words. Maybe his silence was the answer I would receive.

"When?" I ask again.

My chin is released as he steps away.

"We'll talk about this in the morning."

He moves back towards the bed, but turns to look at me, waiting for me to follow.

"When Atlas," I whisper again.

"I don't know Lexie!" his anger is cracking and breaking through. The black and white picture before me is slowly changing into hues of red. The frustration is whispered out- no yelling breaking the peace around everyone else.

I stand still, wondering what I could do. Wondering what could be said.

Atlas was stubborn. He kept his stance on things, even when he shouldn't. He held his ground. But sometimes....sometimes I could make him waver. I had noticed it. The interaction between us compared to others.

Atlas with his blue flames formed and sparked from frigid winds. Atlas with his blue flames of melted warmth and endless softness.

I wordlessly follow him. We each go to our side, sliding our bodies in. As if nothing had happened and neither one of us had left.

We are facing each other. When there had been nothing but us pressing together, now there was distance and space. I want to reach out and close it. I want to say the right thing that will make this unsettled feeling go away in my chest.

I want a blank canvas and to draw what I see now. His features that are divided into different sections- regret in his eyes, anger on his forehead, softness in his lips, and a stubborn tilt with his chin.

Without warning he growls, reaching out and pulling me in. His movements are jerky and almost wild, but his touch is soft.

"I can't look at you and not touch you," he admits. I smile against him, and I know he can feel the curve of it.

He tilts his head down and finally, finally, we kiss.

Like all of his kisses, they start soft. He never says it, but I know from his written words and actions that he thought me fragile.

But that fact is quickly forgotten the longer it continues. Soon his kiss becomes something more. More. Demanding. Greedy. Wanting.

I meet it, feeling that lost and hollow feeling fill and fill and overflow and tip from the edge.

Hands grab my hips.

Strength is felt in his arms as he rolls us over, him on top, me below. Lips never leaving the other.

His weight settles on me. It presses me down, but I'm no longer wary of the pressure placed on my body.

He always takes charge. Always knows how to guide me in the best of ways.

My hands circle around his neck, bringing him closer. My legs wrap around, ankles locking together to pull him in.

"Lexie, Lexie, Lexie..."

My name is a chant that matches the rhythm of his hips. My breathing adds to the words, becoming more breathless as I try to match his pace and keep up with this fire that is burning me.

He pulls back, letting everything lessen.

But I bring him closer.

"No."

He pauses, everything in him freezing at my word.

"Don't...don't stop."

A soft groan escapes from him. He still doesn't move.

"Don't stop?"

There is a question in his eyes.

And it suddenly occurs to me what I have to do.

"Don't stop," I whisper.

He leans closer. To see my eyes. To take in my face.

"I need to know," there is an urgency in his voice. Sparks cracking into black letting the color that he tried to maintain, shatter.

"I want to be your Luna."

"It doesn't' have to be like this Lexie. We can say our vows. We can wait. I don't mind waiting for you. I already told you as long as need. I'll give you all the time the world has to offer."

Our bodies go up, him pulling and allowing for me to sit across from him, our gaze equal and no one higher than the other.

"You don't have to do this with the intention that you need to prove something...or that you need to in order to make me happy or by trying to do what you think is required."

"But what if..." His body leans forward, maybe unintentionally. I cannot miss the hidden edge of desire that stains his eyes.

"What if I don't feel that way...What if I...What if I want this? You?"

His face lifts up, hands covering his eyes. He takes several deep breaths. I can see that his chest in falling and rising with an increase in tempo. He moves to sit on the edge of the bed, head still in hands.

He laughs suddenly, "I've pictured this moment in my head many times, but now that it's here I don't think I'm ready."

I slowly mimic his position, sitting next to him. He takes my hand. I stare at the intertwined fingers, the stained with the clean. Blemished with clear.

He stands pulling my hand and dragging us to the bathroom.

"Atlas what-,"

He turns the sink on, his movements almost frantic now. He takes my hands, placing them under the hot water.

I jerk back, but he keeps them in place.

"Be still Lexie. I know what I'm doing. I need this paint...I need to wash this so I can..."

He raises one of my wrists, staring at me the whole time as he takes his mouth, bringing it close, before gently biting down.

I gasp at the contact. I can both feel and see the heat in his eyes.

The pressure of his teeth on my skin increases but not enough. Not enough to do what he wants.

"Let it be here," his voice is gentle, the color of lavender and silver showing with each spoken syllable.

I only nod. I only nod and watch as he continues. My body clenches as he chips away at my soul. Peeling back layers that I had placed. Not ripping. Not breaking. Gentle the whole time.

Words are softly spoken to me. Of how beautiful I am. Of what I mean to him. Of wanting me. Desiring me. The things he wants to do. The things he will do.

Color of a different kind invades my body as it falls from my hands and settles on my face.

Sometimes, he takes my wrists, each second allowing for more and more to disappear. He takes and kisses it. He bites down on it. He meets my eyes and pulls me closer. He lets water continue to run over, as his hands encircle mine- holding them and not letting me run away. Staying under to allow for the sorrow and pain to wash away.

He leans and kisses my cheeks. My forehead. My lips.

He moves to bite the side of my neck- where it should be. Where I had thought it would be.

And then.

Then.

The water is turned off.

And there is no hesitation.

None at all when he suddenly lifts me into the air, rushing and tossing me onto the bed. He takes my shirt, pulling it over. He pulls off my shorts and underwear. He has let my wrists and now the rest of my body exposed.

And I take in the sight of him as he hurriedly takes his own clothes off. I can't look away as he moves like a predator, pressing me down with no force- none of the frantic movements he had just shown.

He scatters me in kisses taking my wrists again, but this time placing them above my head.

"Are you sure?" his breathing is short, coming out in small pants to match my own.

"Yes."

I feel his lips on mine. I feel his body with nothing to separate us. I feel the weight of him- all of him. Every aspect and every part. I hear his groans as they vibrate within my soul. I can't breathe as one hand lets down, the other still holding. As that hand lowers and lowers and-

There are scattered colors of silver and gold, the blue of his eyes, and the paleness of the moon. There is a second of nothing but pictures of stars and skies and the fractured sound of what I had once known being pulled away.

His fingers touch me. I feel them move. I can't understand the sensation. I can't understand why my body moves without a second thought- hips rising on instinct, a small whimper for more escaping.

"You're okay. It's okay. It's okay."

His kisses don't distract me. His mouth as it moves lower to capture one of my breasts only adds to the inferno that surrounds us.

I cry out letting my legs rise and press against his thighs, rubbing there and trailing up and down, trying to find some leverage. Some relief.

"I want to feel you," his words make my toes curl. Words that only I would hear. Only me.

"I want to feel myself in you Lexie. I want you. Goddess- I've wanted you since the moment I saw-" he can't resist kissing me again, his tongue tasting and igniting me.

"I've wanted you since then. Since the very beginning."

"Atlas-," there are tears in my eyes. He kisses them away, letting his lips taste another part of my emotions.

"Atlas you have always- will always-," no words no words no words.

He doesn't stop.

His fingers are still moving. Heat is spreading around my whole body. There is a fuzzy sound in my ears and I can't take in anything else expect that gradual increase-

I gasp, the air stolen from my lungs. My head throws back, whole body arching.

And then I feel him move as his fingers slip away and slowly- slowly-

He kisses my neck. He finally releases my other hand, letting me reach out to touch him and capture his face so that I can see.

Eyes on me. Eyes on me. Eyes on me.

He slowly sinks into me.

"I love you," there is no whisper in his words. It rings out clear in the night, settling in me.

"I love you," blue staring down. Blue consuming.

"I love you," each repetition is met with an inch. Another. Another. As he gets closer. Closer.

There is no pain. There is nothing to stop him. No barrier to break. No blood to be shed.

"I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you," his body pauses as I feel all of him finally within me. But his mouth never stops moving- never stops speaking.

"I love you Lexie. I love you. I love you."

I wish I could say the words back, but there is too much stuck in my throat. My tears almost are blinding me, breaking the silent promise we had connected to each other as eyes continue to meet and continue to stay.

He moves up, before letting his hips go down. And then his whole body is finding the rhythm. He takes me with him, sitting up as his knees bend and my own body rises to be on top, sitting on him.

I see the strain in his arms as he takes me and moves me up before bringing me down.

But I meet him. I let my knees rise, making my body continue the movement he has started. As my hands grip his shoulders and my nails dig into flesh. I see the sweat on his forehead, and the clinching of his teeth.

His eyes flash gold, swirling and spreading into my own.

He takes one of my hands away from his shoulder. He doesn't break contact. Doesn't look away. I watch as he guides my wrists to his mouth. See the flash of canines. There is only a brief thought in my mind- not able to stay long because of the sensations- that I cannot do the same to him.

And I feel his teeth once again. I feel them, but also- pain laces with my skin, red coming out to mix with black. The lines that had been hidden now being covered again. My head goes back, but his other arm circles around my waist before I can fall. I feel my body go forward instead as I lay my head on his shoulder.

And then my other wrist is taken. I know what he wants. I bring myself up, and kiss his eyes, letting them close so he has an excuse to break our promise.

He bites down.

And the both of us explode.

The both of us are a shivering, glorious mess.

I love him

That's what I would title the painting. I would draw it later. Later would I create the image of what I thought we made as my wrists dripped red again- but in a different way. A better way. A way that offered me forgiveness for my past and my sins.

The painting would be black and white. All of it except us. Only us.

Only the two of us would be filled with color. Mixtures of brown, red, black and blue. Combinations of tears and sweat- with sparkles of gold and images of floating violet.

And finally. Finally.

I take my hands and frame his face. I let my lips fall to his, like the final descent of the sun, resting and settling in the man who reminded me of such a thing.

"I love you," I whisper.

His tears match my own. It is my turn to kiss them away.

"I love you," I repeat.

A sob rips from his throat.

"Atlas- I love you."

He kisses me. Once, twice- quick pecks around my face.

And then he takes my wrists kissing each and staining himself in my red.

Staining himself for me. 

GUYS. GUYS. MY HEART IS RACING. 

I finally did it! Do you know how long I have thought about this scene? I've imagine various scenarios- how can it be done in a way that is understandable? How would it be? What would Atlas do? What would Lexie do? 

I'm going to apologize if there is something you didn't feel lined up with the character (lol why am I apologizing, I really don't care if you like/don't like it BECAUSE I FREAKING LOVE IT). 

It's been so long since I've written about my babies (OMG It was like settling back to talk with a friend I hadn't seen in a long time). 

I was listening to the 'Sun Child' playlist while writing- and the song "To build a home" came -and I bawled like a baby. I just...you guys may never know what this scene means to me. It was such a...such a healing moment for myself. I can't even describe it. I am Lexie and Lexie is me, and together we experienced this moment- this sensation of finality 

There I was washing dishes when it just- it just hit me. I literally have a broken plate in my kitchen because I immediately went to my computer to write this. 

A long author's note with this chapter, but I feel the need to express all of this. 

I will never forget the feelings that came to me as I wrote this. 

I hope it offered the same peace to you, as it did to me. 

Thank you for reading, 

Until next time, 

/////WORLD_JOY_/////