// he said our videos not just his ^_^ but their videos did brighten my days in dark times. i hope my writing one day will do the same ^_^

as for the other bit... anyone wanna be friends? lol I'm so sad. //

dan

Dan sits alone, his back against the sun warmed bricks which make up one of the English classrooms.

It's growing colder by the day, so the sun feels nice. However, Dan's pale skin is slowly singeing, but it's totally worth it.

Dan leans back, his eyes closed and earphones in his ears. It's one of his favourite things, just sitting and listening to music. He puts on one of his older, but definitely one of his favourite songs.

Cross my heart and hope to die, burn my lungs and curse my eyes...

Dan just lets music consume him. It makes him feel less alone, less isolated. It's as if as long as he has music in his ears, his mind remains quiet. Music is a distraction, an escape from himself.

Suddenly, a shadow falls over Dan. Dan grimaces before slowly looking upwards, fearing that it's Alfie or Joe. He doesn't think he can stand being shoved in a locker again.

But it's not them...

It's Phil.

Dan pauses his music and tugs out an earphone, frowning up at Phil, who's still blocking the sunlight.

"Can I help you?" Dan asks, his brow furrowing with confusion.

"Yeah! I want to be friends," Phil says, suddenly leaning down so he's face to face with Dan.

Unfortunately, Dan was still looking up when Phil moves, so his retinas got a full hit from the sun. Dan's hands quickly raise up to shield his eyes, but it's too late, the light is still flashing on his closed eyelids.

"Fuck, no need to blind me," Dan scowls, looking at the ground, slowly cracking his eyes open again.

"Sorry," Phil apologises, smiling sheepishly, his mood changing to a cringing face, "I didn't mean to. So back to my question, want to be friends?"

"W-why?" Dan asks, looking at Phil suspiciously.

Is this a joke? A wind up?

"Because, you look like you need a friend," Phil says, his mood changing to a smile.

"W-well I've s-survived this l-long," Dan points out, "why d-do I need a f-friend anyway?"

"Friends are always there for you, they support you, keep you company, confide in you and accept you for who you are," Phil says with a smile.

"No ones a-accepts me for w-who I a-am," Dan says quietly, "I d-don't e-even accept m-myself for who I a-am, so h-how can a-anyone else?"

"I accept you," Phil says.

"False. You're c-curious," Dan says, "y-you d-don't accept m-me. You w-want to f-find out why, you w-want to s-see if I can be f-fixed."

"How do you-" Phil starts, his mood shifting to a face of amazement.

"I'm g-good at r-reading people," Dan answers with a shrug, "you l-learn the s-signs."

"I-" Phil starts.

The bell rings then, slicing through the school grounds, echoing around the walls. Dan lets out a sigh of relief and stands up, slinging his backpack onto his shoulders. Phil stands up, but his bag remains on the floor.

"I-I h-have to g-go," Dan stammers out before turning and practically sprinting away from Phil, leaving him standing alone.

Dan walks to his first class, taking a seat in the far back corner. If he sits at the back, he figures no one can stare at the stupid, black line without him knowing.

He also likes to see others' moods. He feels sorry for the teacher though, when most of them are just day dreaming or bored. Dan guesses that's one positive - there's no way to tell if he's paying attention or not. Half way through class, Dan looks at Phil, who's two rows in front and to the left.

Above Phil's head floats a kitten, curled up in a ball. It's tail is flickering every now and again, but it looks to be on the edge of sleep.

Phil's mood seems to be a cat quite a bit. Possibly to reflect that he just got a cat. Moods can reflect lifestyle and thoughts as well as emotions.

"Ah Howell, can you tell me your thoughts on this?" The teacher - Mr Ken - asks, looking at Dan.

Dan sinks down lower in his seat as all eyes turn to him. His cheeks turn pink as well. But despite how shy, awkward and embarrassed Dan feels, his so called 'mood' won't show it.

"O-on what s-sir?" Dan stammers, his voice quiet and shaking.

"On the importance of emotion in writing," he says.

"Oh u-uh w-well I-I think it's r-really important," Dan stammers, ignoring the sniggers and whispers coming from around the classroom.

"Howell doesn't have emotions Sir!" Alfie pipes up, making the class laugh.

"Now now Alfie," Mr Ken says, but doesn't go any further, "so back to our topic..."

Dan sighs. No one sticks up for him, not even the teachers. They think he's an outcast as well, they don't know what to make of him, honestly though, no one does. Dan doesn't even know what to do with himself, if school is utter hell, what's the real world going to be like?

No one would employ him, no one would trust him... Oh god, Dan thinks, what will he do?

When the bell goes, Dan quickly stands up, packing his bag and moving to his next class before anyone can bother him. He slips soundlessly through the hallways, dodging people and keeping his head down.

No one acknowledges his existence, but that's okay, in Dan's view, it's better to be ignored that to be judged.

***

At lunch, Dan is sitting by himself under the shade of a tree.

He sits on the grass, his back against the thick trunk of the tree and his knees are slightly bent, his sketchbook balanced on his legs. His sketchbook mainly has sketches of his brother, or just parts of nature he finds interesting.

There's also the sketches which reflect his emotions which his moods don't show; a wilting rose, a rain cloud, a shattered heart and just a broken boy.

Dan stops at one of his brother, the looks he gave Dan when Dan felt like he'd given up on the world and himself - which was quite often. His fingers are just brushing over the sketch when there's a voice in front of him, which makes him jump and hug his sketchbook to his chest.

"Hey Dan, I uh, I'm sorry," Phil says, appearing in front of Dan, looking at the ground, "I didn't, well. I'm sorry."

After recovering from his sudden heart attack, Dan slowly looks up at Phil, who's staring at the ground with an expression which can only be described as guilt. His mood is a face of guilt as well.

"It's o-okay," Dan says after a moment of silence, "I've h-had worse s-said to m-me."

"You don't deserve it though," Phil says, "you can't help it."

Dan just shrugs. "I-I know I c-can't help it, b-but that d-doesn't stop them anyway. Some p-people are j-just born f-fuck ups."

[ when I typed 'fuck ups' I didn't put a space so it autocorrected to 'duckies' lol ]

"You're not a, uh, f-up," Phil says, uncomfortable with swearing, "you're just different."

"That's j-just a nice word f-for freak Phil," Dan says with a shrug, "it's o-okay, I've a-accepted it."

"Do you enjoy it?" Phil asks.

"Well, n-no not e-especially," Dan says, looking down, "b-but it's n-not like I-I have any other ch-choice."

"You could try to find out," Phil suggests, "try to find why your moods don't show."

"Y-you think I-I've never d-done that?! W-well I have! N-no one knows Ph-Phil! I-I'm just a f-freak," Dan says.

"You're not a freak," Phil says, "you're just-"

"I s-swear to g-God if you s-say different..." Dan starts.

"Divergent."

"L-look if y-you're not going t-to leave th-than I will," Dan says, looking up at Phil with a blank expression.

"I just want to be friends Dan," Phil says, sighing heavily and looking sadly at Dan.

To help his case, Phil's mood shifts to a kitten, which gives him the saddest and cutest pleading look. Dan looks away.

"N-no Phil," Dan says, "I don't n-need friends."

"Everyone needs friends!" Phil argues.

"L-look Phil, w-whatever you're t-trying to p-prove won't work!" Dan says, hugging his sketchbook to his chest and standing up, his bag over his shoulder, "I-I j-just don't b-belong in this w-world."

"You do Dan, I-" Phil starts.

"G-give me o-one e-example of h-how I b-belong in th-this world," Dan snaps.

"I-" Phil stammers, but trails off. He can't seem to think of anything to say, no matter how hard he tries.

"S-see Phil? I-I'm just th-the odd o-one out," Dan says, walking past him, but he pauses for a brief moment, "I-I just d-don't fit a-and I n-never will."

"Wait Dan!" Phil starts, turning around but Dan is already walking away, disappearing around the corner.

Once he's out of Phil's sight, Dan stops and sighs heavily. Dan knows he's right, but part of him had hoped that Phil could've came up with one reason of how he actually belonged. But he couldn't.

You don't belong here, Dan's mind jeers, you'll never fit in, never amount to anything. You'll just be an ignored mistake.

And again, Dan's mind is right. He's useless, abnormal and a freak of nature who'll never fit into his world. Dan constantly is wishing for a way out, but when he looks down at his sketchbook in his arms, it's still open to a drawing of his brother.

He's looking at Dan with an expression which says 'don't you dare Dan Howell, don't you let them win. Show them, prove to them that you belong.'

"But how can I show them I belong," Dan whispers, tears shining in his eyes, "when I don't even feel I belong myself?"

But his brother can't answer. He's not here, and he never will be again. Dan can't turn to him anymore. He's gone. He's dead;

Just like all Dan's hope.

****************

an// hello hope you enjoyed! Thanks so much for reading! Sorry it's a bit later I've been busy.

Also, updates may be slower as I start a new year of school on Thursday so rip me and wish me luck.

I hope you're enjoying the book! Love you all, your reads mean the world to me! ^_^