// i may or may not have a weird obsession with staring at the sky okay.

sorry it's been a while, i have had that much bloody school work...

and... THANKS SO MUCH FOR OVER 250K on bad boys don't smile

//

dan

Dan looks down, twisting his fingers around in anticipation.

He doesn't think he can make it through class. He wants to just leave this place, he doesn't care anymore. He just wants to see Phil Lester right now.

Phil Lester is the only thing which makes Dan's world piece together, the only thing which makes Dan want to piece his world back together.

Dan looks to his left, out the window beside him. The grey clouds drifting across the bright-yet-kinda-stormy sky look so pretty that Dan feels more calm. He loves watching clouds just drift through the sky.

"Howell, what's the answer?" Mr Malo, Dan's short and angry ancient history teacher, asks while staring at Dan with narrowed and accusing eyes.

"I-I d-don't know," Dan stammers, looking down and blushing.

"Howell was too busy thinking about what having emotions would feel like!" Alfie pipes up from the row behind Dan, a smirk on his face.

"Now, now Alfie," Mr Malo says dismissively before turning back to Dan with an angry look, "and you'd better listen in my lessons from now on Howell. Even if you can't feel it, try to look interested at least."

Dan looks at his desk, his hands balled into tight fists, his nails making crescent shaped indents in his palms. Dan feels his face flush bright red and his jaw set into a hard line. Dan wants the world to swallow him whole at this moment.

No matter what, he's never going to fit in here, ever. He'll never be accepted by everyone, he'll always be labelled as a freak as soon as someone looks at him. He hates that, he hates himself, HE HATES IT.

When the bell rings, Dan remains in his seat, staring emptily at his desk while he is lost inside his mind. He feels a tap on his shoulder and turns to face his teacher whom he hates with a burning passion.

"Howell, the class is over," Mr Malo snaps, his arms folded across his chest.

Dan ignores him.

"Howell, this class is over. Are you deaf as well?" He snarls, an angry face floating above his head.

Dan drags his eyes from his desk to the teacher, hurt and anger shining in his chocolate eyes.

"Deaf a-as w-well as wh-what?" Dan asks, almost daring him to say the other.

"Just get out," he snaps but Dan can see his mood shift to something that almost looks like guilt.

Dan rises slowly, picking up his bag and swinging it over his shoulder while staring his teacher down. As Dan walks away he can't help but think that he may have won that tiny battle, but he'll never win the war.

It will always be just him, alone, against the world.

"Dan! What took you so long?" Phil calls from down the hallway, and Dan smiles softly.

Well, maybe not him against the whole world. Just him against the whole world minus Phil Lester.

"S-sorry i-if I kept y-you waiting," Dan stammers, looking slightly guiltily at Phil, "s-sorry f-for wasting y-your t-time."

"Stop apologising Dan," Phil says, smiling somewhat sadly at him, "you're my friend, I don't mind."

"I-I just, I-I'm not u-used t-to having a-a friend," Dan admits, biting his lip and his cheeks flush pink.

"It's okay," Phil says with a bright smile, "do you want to hang out this afternoon? Winston misses you."

"O-okay," Dan says with a small smile, "I'll j-just text m-mum."

"You can stay the night if you want," Phil suggests, "you can just borrow some of my clothes."

"O-okay," Dan says again.

You're so stupid. Don't get close to him, his mind warns, you don't belong here, and when he realises that he'll leave you too. You don't have a place here, Phil won't change that fact.

Dan knows he will never belong, his mind tells him that every chance it gets. But when he's with Phil Lester, that doesn't matter. Is that what having a friend feels like?

Either way, Dan wants to be friends with Phil Lester, even if it's only temporary.

Except the closer Dan gets the more painful it will be to tear himself away from Phil. He can't let Phil get too close to him. He doesn't belong here, he doesn't want to be stuck in this world which doesn't have a place for him.

In other words, he can't let Phil Lester convince him that he belongs, and ultimately, convince him to stay.

***

phil

Phil hates seeing Dan so down with himself.

He wishes Dan could see that it doesn't matter whether he has a mood or not. Well, it doesn't matter to Phil but it seems to matter to a lot of other people, Dan especially.

Phil has a suspicion that Dan is perhaps his own biggest threat and torment rather than Alfie. Phil just wants Dan to see that he belongs, that he is worth something. That the world isn't completely against him.

Perhaps that's why Dan is sitting on Phil's bed right now, Winston the kitten curled in his lap purring away.

Phil's eyes drift to the black line floating above Dan's head. He often wonders what the moods are even for, and how they even work. Whatever the answer is, Phil isn't sure but he still wants to know why Dan is missing one.

"Y-you're b-being q-quiet," Dan stammers, his warm eyes looking up into Phil's own ones.

"Yeah, sorry. I was just thinking," Phil says giving Dan a bright smile.

"W-what about?" Dan asks, taking his hand off the kitten momentarily, causing Winston to meow in protest.

"Not much, just school, life, everything," Phil says, shrugging, "so, do you wanna watch a movie?"

Dan nods his head so Phil closes his blinds and sits on the bed next to Dan, opening his laptop and they search for a movie to watch. Phil's mood is glowing softly in the darkness whether Dan's is almost impossible to see.

Half way through The Visit, Dan is laughing. The movie is good, however Phil is torn between being scared and laughing. It's a strange feeling, but Dan seems to be happy, well, more just content.

Society kicked Dan out and labelled him as a freak, an outcast. Phil wants to change that. He knows he doesn't have to change the world to change Dan's mind, he just needs to convince Dan.

Later that night, Dan is passed out on half of Phil's bed, snoring softly. Winston the kitten is curled up beside Dan's head, lying on the pillow.

Phil wishes everyone could be more like Winston. Winston doesn't care that Dan is different, he likes Dan, more than Phil himself he suspects.

Phil walks over and opens his blinds, looking out to the starry sky. The stars shine in the dark sky, reminding him of Dan. Dan's world may be dark, but Phil just needs to show him the stars.

'The stars they shine, just like your eyes, but there's a blackhole hiding right behind them.
But you've got wings, you were made to fly, but what happens when a bird runs out of sky?'

Phil thinks of that song and sighs, looking over at Dan in the darkness. What will happen to Dan when he runs out of sky, when he runs out of purpose, when he runs out of an escape?

Phil has to make sure that never happens, but it makes him feel so pressured. He's focused so much on showing Dan that he's not alone he isn't noticing things in his own house.

Like the fact that his mother never comes home from her night shift at work, and that his brother, in the next room, is getting high.

Phil is so focused on making everything and everyone else happy that he doesn't notice his own life slowly shattering around him.

******************

an// what's going to happen when Phil's life starts falling apart???? who knows...

I have a new rant book called fml if you wanna give it a cheeky read ;P

sorry this is shorter I've been v busy with schoolwork but holidays are coming up in a few weeks to I can write a lot then hopefully!

thanks so much for all your votes, comments and messages, they mean the absolute world to me!!

love you guys, hope you're still enjoying moods, it'll get more exciting soon I promise! ^_^

p.s: me and the amazing wipedoutsigh are working on a colab story so look forward to that!!