MAXEY MABLE HAYNIE, the youngest child of Humphrey and Helen Haynie, aged 98, died at the ancestral home of her parents, 2 1/2 miles north of Salemville on Bluebird Pond, at 1 o'clock am, Tuesday, October 18, after consuming an ounce of witch hazel, taking her own life.

     She was a woman of bright and pleasant temperament who endeared herself to whomever she associated with. Owner of an organic herb shop and cult coffee cabana, her influence on the neighborhood was a gift and the absence of which will be keenly felt. To the bereaved parents, who return from the Great Divide for one night to bury their daughter, the NEWS, and the community, extends our deepest sympathies.

     The dust to dust ceremony will be made in Ghoulton Cemetery, this evening, 6 o'clock, after a short cleansing at Monster Mortuary, 1313 Mockingbird Lane. Sage will be provided. Please be prepared to sign the guestbook in blood.

⚰ You all thought we were done. Mwahahaha...