David shakes his head in disappointment. "Why do you do this to yourself?"
     I place my gun on the table and give him a confused look. "Why do I do what to myself?"
     He sighs. "You kill people for their money. I remember when you used to believe in equality and everyone being worthy. You were such a kind person. What happened?"
     I stare at Lindsay's dead body, tears ghosting my eyes, but I quickly wipe them away before David can see them. "Death took my lover away. And now I feel no more happiness or hope...so no one else should." I sigh and pick up Lindsay's shoulders. "Come on. Lets bring her to the backyard."
     David nods and picks up her waist. We walk over to the front door and David rests Lindsay's legs on his shoulder. He opens the door and then we bring her outside. I kick the door shut, the loud noise vibrating throughout the house.
     We head to my backyard where my shovel is. I kill people a lot, so ya know, I have a shovel back there to use to bury the dead. If I let them out in the open to decay, then I would get caught. But no one will be looking for Lindsay. She was a worthless human being that no one cared about. Therefore, she won't be searched for.
     Me and David drop the body and David grabs the shovel. He starts to dig while I sit on the ground, watching him. Me and him made a pact that whoever kills the person doesn't have to shovel and vice versa. I basically always kill the people, so he always has to shovel. It's a pretty nice system. I hate having to do physical work.
     "Ya know," David says as making a pile of dirt with the shovel, "the one you claim to love so much wouldn't want this."
     I stand up, my fists ready, and my teeth clenched. "What do you mean the one I claim to love?"
     "You know exactly what I mean."
     Anger pulses through me and I let out a scream. I kick the ground and shout at David, "I do love him! Even if he's dead, I still love him! I will always love him! I shall always love him! The dead cannot speak, but I can! And I say that I love him!"
     David stops shoveling and looks at me. "He loved the old you, but he wouldn't love the person that you've become." He goes back to shoveling as my fury increases.
     "Why wouldn't he love me now?" I ask, secretly afraid of the answer.
     David drops the shovel and sits down, staring into my soul. "Listen, Virgil, you used to be so kind. You cared about people and you always wanted to help them, even if they were bad. You were an angel. You were a saint. But then drugs come along and- bam!- you turn into this. A murder, a liar, a drug dealer. Damien didn't love you for that. He loved you for your sarcasm, your jokes, your kindness, your selflessness, your compassion, your interests, your ability to feel so much sympathy and empathy. But then you started selling drugs, Damien died, so you lost love, and now your true love is money. That's all you care about. You don't care about anyone, especially yourself. You may say that you're fine, but I see those long sleeves. I can tell that you're not. I'm not stupid, ya know. When Damien died, the true you died as well. But I know that he's still in there, Virgil. You just have to let him out. Don't let the monster consume you."
     "But that's the thing," I whisper. "The monster has already consumed me." I feel my anger vanish and despair sets in. "So are you saying that he couldn't love me anymore?"
     David nods. "Yes. That's exactly what I am saying."
     I let out a loud cry and curl up in a ball, tears cascading my pale and freckled face. "My heart- it hurts so much...it hurts so much!" I whimper. Why couldn't he love me the way I am now? I haven't changed. Yeah, sure, I've become a little more violent, but I'm self improved. Before I was weak and would let people kick me down. Now I can finally stand up for myself! Wouldn't he be happy for me? If he's up there in Heaven, watching over me, he'd be happy for me, right? He wouldn't be looking down at me and despising me, right? Because I could never feel that way about him.
     David comes over and rubs my back. "Hey, hey, it's okay, it's okay. Breathe in and out. In and out." I try my best to follow his order. "Yeah, that's right. Breathe in and out, in and out."
     My hands tremble and my throat feels dry. I slowly uncurl from my fetal position and look up at David. I sniffle and wipe the tears from my cheeks.
     "Why did you have to say all of those nasty things?" I ask, my anger already building back up.
     "You has to be told the truth. Alright? I just did what you do with all of the people that you say don't deserve to live. Like what you did with Lindsay. You told her the truth, and then you killed her. All I did was tell you the truth. And by the looks of it, no one will have to kill you because at some point, you're going to kill yourself." David gets up and begins digging the grave again, leaving me to cry on the ground.
     "I wish he never died!" I shout as I punch the ground and rip out grass over and over again. "I wish he was still alive! I wish he stopped me from getting addicted to drugs and selling them! I wish he stopped me from murdering a whole shitload of people! I wish he was here to comfort me and tell me that everything is going to be okay! But no! He just had to die! God had to take him away from me and let everyone that loved him suffer! Why did we have to suffer so much? I don't understand..." I let out a shaky breathe as more tears fall. They slip off my cheeks and fall in my mouth, the salty taste gliding against my tongue. I wipe away the remaining tears and stare down at the dirt I moved and the grass I ripped out. "Why can't life be fair?"
     "Because life is like a labyrinth. You never know what to expect, and you may vary off. But in the end, you always escape, and by escaping, you enter a whole new world. Which, many claim to be the afterlife, but I think when we die, we're just dead."
     "I believe in the afterlife. It gives me hope that I might be able to see Damien again someday."
     David laughs at me. "Don't hope for that too much."
     I glare at him, my hands clenching into fists. "Why not?"
     He laughs again, making me even more mad. "The afterlife doesn't exist. When you die, you die. End of story. That's it. And even if there is an afterlife, Damien will be in Heaven, and you'll definitely be in Hell."
     I get up and run over to David. Then I punch him right in the face. He falls to the ground, the shovel landing on top of him. He looks up at me, fear in his eyes, and he starts backing away from me. I look at him in anger, and then I quickly wrap my hands around his throat and hold him down.
     "Listen to me and listen to me carefully," I command. "Damien is no joke to laugh about. His death hurt us all, but you seem to keep ignoring that. Whenever I bring him up, you always tell me to forget about him. Well, I can't forget about him! Believe me, I've tried, and I just can't! So stop telling me over and over again to try to!" The grip around his neck tightens as more fury dwells within the pit of my stomach. "I remember when I told you that he died. You didn't even seem to care that much." I smack his head on the ground multiple times as I say, "Why don't you care about him as much as I do?!" I stop slamming his head against the ground and the grip on his neck weakens a little bit. "You want to know why you didn't care that much? Because you were jealous of your brother." David starts to shake his head but I ignore it. "He had everything you wanted. Love, friendship, family, money, innocence. All of that was ruined for you when you decided to join the drug business. So don't tell me that I'm the monster here because- quite frankly- you are." I let go of his neck and stand up, watching David breathe in heavily, sprawled out on the ground. I sneer at him and look over at the hole. "Finish this up. Then leave." I go back inside and slam the door behind me.
     I walk over to the kitchen counter and slam my fists on the surface. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to stop the voices screaming at me, but nothing helps.
     Stupid. Dumb. Idiot. Retard. Monster. Freak. Beast. Loveless. Unlovable. Ugly. Hideous. Damien could never love you now. No one could ever love you now. You're so worthless!
     I sink down to my knees, my hands over my ears, crying. Ever since he died, the voices in my head keep on getting worse. My depression went down when I met him, but when he died, it skyrocketed. And having David point out every single one of my faults doesn't help me. It makes things worse.
     I hear the front door open and I quickly stand up, wiping away my tears, to see David. I glare at him. "What the fuck do you want?" I spit out harshly.
     He sighs and walks over to me, putting his hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry for what I said. Damien will always love you, even as the person that you are now. And you were right. I was jealous of Damien. He had everything that I've ever wanted. It's sad that he died at such a young age, and I agree, it's not something to joke about. So I'm sorry for saying all of those things about him." A smile crosses my face but it disappears when David speaks again. "But I meant every single word of what I said about you."
     I look up at David, tears clouding my eyes. "Why do you hate me so much?" I ask, my voice cracking at the end. "What have I ever done to you?"
     "It's not what you've done to me. It's what you've done to yourself and all of your victims."
     "What do you mean?" David has never been this nasty to me before. Sure, he's been a downer and insulted me, but never like this. Never so honest, never so surreal. I wish he would stop. I wish he didn't have the power of speech. I wish he wasn't here. I wish he would just leave!
     "You've made yourself into a monster. You've hurt people around you because you want to ignore the pain that you feel deep inside and take it out on everyone else. I knew that the death of a loved one hurt, but I didn't know it caused people to kill. I didn't know it caused people to go completely insane. To lose their sense of morality. You're the way you are because of Damien's death, huh?" I don't answer, knowing that if I do, I'll start crying again.
     "Just leave me alone," I whisper, my voice cracking again. "Just leave me alone!" I scream, pushing David away. He backs away from me, his hands in the air. I blink and more tears fall down my face. I keep on wiping them away, but more keep on coming. "Goddammit!" I shout in frustration. I grip my hair and pull at it, sinking down to my knees, shaking.
     "Come on, Virgil. Calm down." David puts his hand on my shoulder, no warmth or affection coming from it. "If you're really that sad, why don't you go to counseling or something?"
     "I have. It didn't work...obviously."
     "Well, maybe it's time to go back."
     I shake my head. "No. I'm too broken beyond repair. It's too late now."
     "It's never too late. Remember? Damien always used to say that. And if he was here now, he would be telling you that."
     "If he was here right now, I wouldn't be in this situation. You want to know why?" I don't wait for a response and just continue. "Because I wouldn't have changed if he was still alive. I would've still been myself. I wouldn't have gotten myself into the drug business or become a murder or an asshole or a monster." I feel the tears return again, but I quickly wipe them away. "There would've been no point to change if Damien was still alive because he kept me stable. He kept me happy. But when he died, that happiness left, so I replaced it with drugs. Then I realized how drugs only bring you sadness, and I thought that it was unfair for everyone else to be happy. So I became a drug dealer. Pretty pathetic, right?"
     David doesn't say anything and just stares at me. He gets up and slowly walks over to the front door. He goes to reach for the doorknob, but right before he turns it, he looks behind him, his eyes meeting mine.
     "You're right," David says. "You are pathetic." Then he leaves, slamming the door behind him.
     I blink and tears fall down my cheeks. I cover my face with my hands, crying and crying and crying. I curl up in a ball and hug myself, pulling my knees closer to my chest. David is right. I am pathetic.
     Why did have Damien have to die? Why couldn't he still be alive? I wish I could pull a pet sematary. Even if he wasn't the same, he'd still be here. I just wish he could come back and make me happy. Love me for who I've become. Help me go back to the person that I was. But no, you can't bring the dead back. You have to cry as they rot in their graves. It isn't fair! Why do I have to suffer while he gets to have closed eyes and be perfectly fine? If I have to suffer, then so should he. That's selfish, isn't it? Well, I don't care! I'm a selfish person. I kill people who have the chance at being happy just so they know what it's like to be me. And in the end, I feel no guilt. No wonder why David calls me a monster. Because I am one.
     I slowly rise from my fetal position and walk upstairs to my bedroom. I turn on the lights and look around, sadness fulfilling me. Pictures of Damien cover my walls, framed by wood. Our wedding pictures are mostly scattered everywhere. I walk over to my bed and gently touch the picture that's above it, silently crying. It's when me and Damien kissed, signifying that we were married. It was wonderful. It was the best kiss I ever had. But now all of that is gone. It's all gone...
     I grab the picture and throw it across the room, the glass shattering all over my carpet. I breathe heavily, tears covering my starred face, my hands clenched into fists. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying not to cry, but all it does is make me cry more. I let out an animal like scream and fall to my knees, curling up in a ball, pressing my hands over my ears. Thoughts of self harm and suicide consume my mind, whispering ideas of destruction and death. If Damien was here, he would tell me to ignore them, but he isn't. No one is. But that's normal. No one is ever here when I need them most.
     I get up, tears blurring my vision. I walk out of my room to the bathroom. I turn on the lights and open up the cabinet. I pull out my blade and hold it in my hand, staring at it. Damien wouldn't want me to do this. He'd want me to ignore the thoughts and go to sleep. But he's not here, so he can't stop me. He can never stop me ever again.
     I pull off my shirt and throw it on the floor. I stare at my right arms, scars covering it, overlapping each other. I make a small slice on the front of my arm. Then I watch the blood leak, dropping down to the floor. Reality sets in and I blink. I quickly put my blade back, grab some bandages, and close the cabinet. I wrap up the small cut I made and pick up my shirt, heading back to my room.
     I throw my shirt in my laundry basket and undress. After throwing all of my clothes into my laundry basket, I put on fuzzy Batman pajama pants and a My Chemical Romance shirt. Then I put on fuzzy socks, put my glasses on my nightstand, turn off the lights and crawl into bed, putting the blankets over my head.
     I close my eyes, drifting off to sleep, not looking forward to tomorrow. But then, when am I ever?

.X.

     I open my eyes to see a beautiful, sunny meadow. Bees and butterflies fly around, flowers sway in the wind, the smell of spring fills the air. The sky is a bright blue, no clouds visible. I smile. This is a gorgeous landscape! All of my worries fade away, sleeping into the ground, the roots consuming them for me, making them disappear. This place- this is a place of paradise.
     "Virgil!"
     I turn around to see my husband, Damien, running towards me. I smile. I start running towards him, and when we meet, he picks me up in his arms, and kisses me. We both start to laugh and we fall to the ground, holding on to each other.
     I rub Damien's cheek with my thumb. "I love you," I say, the light of true love shining in our eyes.
     He kisses my forehead. "I love you too."
     I chuckle. "Would you tell the world that you love me?"
     He nods. Then he whispers in my ear, "I love you."
     I give him a look of confusion. "Why are you telling me? I told you to tell the world." A small amount of anger flashes through me, but it quickly fades away when Damien speaks.
     He laughs. "But baby, you are my world."
     Heat rises to my cheeks and I feel the bright red blush. "Awwww, you're so sweet." I bury my face in his chest and he laughs, pulling me closer.
     "Why are you so nice to me?" I ask, my voice being almost inaudible.
     "Because I love you," Damien says, playing with my hair. "Duh!" We both start to laugh, just laying in the sun, holding each other, loving each other.
     But it's all quickly ruined when a shot is heard throughout the sky. I look up from Damien's chest, my breathe heavy, and my whole body shaking. I look over at Damien to see the light in his eyes gone and a bullet hole in his head, blood pouring out.
     I start to cry, shaking Damien over and over again. "Damien?" I ask, barely a whisper. "Damien?" I ask a little bit louder. "Can you hear me? Damien?" But no matter what I do, there's no response. "DAMIEN! WAKE UP!" I scream. I shake him even more, trying to wake him up, to make him move, to do at least something! But he doesn't. He just lays there, dead. His blood creates a puddle on the ground, soaking into the cracks. Then my whole environment changes.
     The bright blue sky becomes dark and storm clouds cover the sun. The meadow turns into a garden of thorns, slowly pricking my body. I scream out in pain. The butterflies and bees fall down to the ground, all of them dead. The sick smell of death surrounds the atmosphere. I hold Damien in my arms, crying and shaking and screaming, my throat feeling like a desert.
     My cries is all that I can hear. I hold Damien close to my body, afraid to let go. "He's not dead," I whisper. "He's not dead, he's not dead, he's not dead," I deny, my voice cracking at the end. "He's breathing. He's alive. I'm sure he is. I'm sure he is!" I kiss his cold lips, hoping that the blood would flush his pale skin once again, but that fantasy doesn't come true. Instead, I feel his cold flesh, and I know for a fact that he is dead.
     I cup his face in my hands, not caring that my whole body shakes from the cold. "Damien, please," I say, tears dripping down my chin. "Please, please just wake up. Please." I keep on begging, but his heart still doesn't beat. He still doesn't breathe. No matter what I do, he'll never come back. No matter what I do, he'll always be dead. A corpse rotting in the ground.
     I watch Damien's flesh fall off of his face, his blood soaking in the ground, and his whole body becoming a skeleton. Then his skeleton crumbles into dust. I try to find the specks of dust so I could scramble up whatever's left of him, but it's all gone. All of him is gone! All of him is gone... 

.X.

     I wake up, shooting up in bed, tears streaming down my face, and my whole body shaking. "Damien..." I whisper, feeling as if my throat is closing in on itself. "Please come back..." I grip my bedsheets, sweat pouring down my forehead. "Please come back to me!" I scream.
     When did I become such a mess? Oh yeah, when Damien died. I sigh. I wipe away my tears and lay back down. Then I close my eyes and try to go to sleep.