--inspired by Bo Burnham's "Art Is Dead"--

"-and we want to do a shirtless photo op for the promotions," his manager continued, concluding a list of scheduling events for the next week. Hyungwon's comeback was at the end of the month, and they'd been busy every day finishing up preparations before he started his tour.

Hyungwon scratched at the dry skin just beneath his neck. Winter had always been harsh on him, this one more than most. He didn't have enough meat on his bones to provide heat so he wore long coats, but the cold seemed to slice through the layers nonetheless. He'd been running a fever during the last photoshoot, but with a little extra attention to his makeup and adjusted lighting, no one would be able to tell. He'd finally gotten a small space heater for his apartment to make up for the fact that he was the only one creating body heat, and it had worked, both heat-wise and psychologically. He'd felt less alone recently. Probably because he'd named the heater to make it feel like he had someone to come home to.

"I don't know, I'm really not comfortable with that," Hyungwon said, looking over at his manager with apprehensive eyes. It wasn't an unfamiliar topic; it had been brought up for the past two comebacks, and each time, Hyungwon had rejected the proposal.

"I know how you feel," his manager said, raising her hands defensively. She'd been his manager since the last comeback, when they'd chosen someone else for the role. The one before her had been a man who hadn't really seen eye-to-eye with Hyungwon. It wasn't that they'd fought; rather, it just felt to Hyungwon like he wasn't making his own decisions, that someone else was creating the image they wanted for Hyungwon and throwing him up on a stage, expecting him to fit the mold. So they'd hired Ji Eun instead, and she'd been softer with Hyungwon, trying to listen to him more on what he wanted to do. He liked Ji Eun. She felt like a mom to him. But at the end of the day, she wasn't his mom, she was his manager, and she didn't really belong to him, she belonged to the company. "But the fans would really appreciate it."

Hyungwon snorted, looking away. They were in the Starship Entertainment high rise, and to his left, he could see the city surrounding them, people going about their daily lives. He envied them, in a way. Performing their repetitive routines, working boring jobs where they clocked in at 9 and out at 5. Every now and then, Hyungwon imagined himself as one of them, as an average person working an average job and leading an average life. He thought he'd enjoy it, leaving work at work and learning to have a life outside of it. But he couldn't be an average person; he'd already ruined that possibility for himself ever since he'd debuted with a Starship boy group called Monsta X seven years ago. They'd since disbanded, ever since Kihyun was offered to go solo. He invited some of the old members to join him on different stages. Never Hyungwon, though.

Some things never changed.

"The fans would appreciate a lot of things," he said after a moment, turning back to look at her, and her eyes softened. "I'm sure they wouldn't pass up nude photocards. They'd probably also like my private phone number and my address." He leaned closer, resting his elbows on his knees. He'd always had long-limbed proportions; it had become, in a way, his iconic image. Of course, Starship had realized as such and had monitored his diet, making sure his sticklike figure remained sticklike. It had less to do with his diet and more to do with his metabolism, really. But still. That was his world. "There are some things I'm not willing to do, some things I won't compromise."

"It's just a shirtless photo op," she responded, exhaling slowly. "Male idols do it all the time. If you don't want a front shot, that's fine, the back would work just as well. And I know you're insecure about your body but we can play off that, use darker lighting, all that Photoshop magic and whatever."

Hyungwon's soft chuckle was sad rather than humorous. "Of course the company would want to sell my insecurity."

"Hyungwon, that's not what I-"

"It doesn't matter, Ji Eun. I won't do it. Once you say you're okay with this much-" He paused, holding a level hand up in the air in front of his chest. "-then the next thing you know, they want this much." He raised his hand to his eyes. "It won't just be a photo of my back in poor lighting, it'll be my chest and my stomach. They'll probably mist my skin so I look like I have some sort of shimmer, a magical glow." He shook his head. He didn't have a hard time imagining the photos, but he didn't see in his mind how anyone would find them attractive. He'd never seen his own body as something so sexualized, not until he'd seen whole online threads dedicated to his hands and his lips. Even then, he'd understood the desperation, in a sense, but he couldn't see himself in that same light. "Look, I don't want to, okay? We can just- release the music demos for the meantime, and we can figure it out from there."

"But people don't buy your tickets for the music, Hyungwon," Ji Eun said, her eyes already shining in regret, but she'd said too much to go back now. "They buy your tickets for your image. They're paying for your face, Hyungwon. The least you can do is try to market that-"

"What do you mean, they aren't coming for the music?" Hyungwon asked, growing still as he stared at her, his eyes unblinking. The words alone resurfaced feelings from the past, from when he'd felt like a seventh wheel, just an extra voice when they needed to give Kihyun or one of the others time to breathe.

Ji Eun was quiet.

"No, say it. What did you mean?" Hyungwon asked again, clasping his hands together before they could ball into defensive fists.

"You're working hard," Ji Eun said, speaking slowly as she could sense how close he was to breaking down. "We all know that, Hyungwon. But...the music itself, it's not..."

"You all told me," Hyungwon began, unable to stop the taint of accusation from leaking into his tone as he stood up abruptly, pacing in front of the window. "You all told me to really put myself into the lyrics, to put all of my fears out there, and now-" Something caught in his throat, but he swallowed, refusing to acknowledge it. He never cried in front of others. That was something he'd learned from Monsta X as well. When you're always been watched, always being filmed, you can never air out your vulnerabilities. Someone would snatch them, be it fans or the people standing right next to you. At the end of the day, all you have is yourself. That's all you can control.

So Hyungwon controlled the urge to rip his hair out or drag his nails against his arms even as the thick fabric from his turtleneck scratched and scraped against the sensitive skin. "-and now I'm stuck up on stage, singing my darkest thoughts, my regrets, my doubts – putting all of that out there for other people to pick apart? And now you tell me that my music is worthless?"

"It's not worthless," Ji Eun was quick to say, standing up and approaching Hyungwon slowly, waiting until he'd stopped pacing before she tried to reach out and take his hand, knowing how he instinctively craved human touch. He pulled away, hating her for a moment, hating that she knew what insecurities to prey upon, hating that he still longed for someone to hold his hand. His hand, not him; he didn't like being held or hugged. It was too much. To be so close to another person, pressed against them, it made him feel trapped. But hands, he was okay with. Soft hands against his felt nice.

But he didn't want that right now, or at least, he didn't want to want it.

"Really, Hyungwon," she tried again, taking the hint and backing away, sitting back down in her chair, giving him the space she knew he needed, and again, he was frustrated by how well she understood his process of breaking down and breaking apart. "The lyrics- they're powerful. They're meaningful, really. It's just..."

"Just what?" Hyungwon asked, looking over at her. "Say it. Don't baby me, Ji Eun, just say it."

She sighed, looking down at her hands, which hovered hesitantly just above her knees. "Your voice is weak, Hyungwon. Not bad, just..." She looked out the window, and Hyungwon wondered for a moment whether she ever wished she had a normal job, one that didn't involve babysitting him all day. "You're well suited for backup vocals, but as lead...It's hard, you know, with you being under the same company as someone like Kihyun-"

"Stop," Hyungwon said immediately, and she did. He hated being babied, being treated like he was fragile, but there were some things he just didn't want to hear. He'd been hearing about Kihyun's incredible voice for over seven years now, since before they'd debuted and how he'd entranced people even then. When they were training to debut, he'd known that he'd been compared to Kihyun. He'd known that he'd be found inferior. But he'd wanted to debut so badly, had waited so long...it had seemed worth it, then.

He didn't know anymore.

"I wasn't going to bring it up, but..." Ji Eun gave a small sigh as she intertwined her fingers, still not looking up. "Starship wants to let Kihyun sing some of your lyrics on his next tour."

Hyungwon blinked. The room felt too still, too inhuman to absorb the emotions he was emitting. "What?"

Ji Eun didn't say anything, knowing that the more she said, the worse it would seem to him.

"No, I'm not going to let him steal my songs- You just said it, didn't you? That my lyrics are all I have?" Hyungwon scoffed as he dragged a hand down his face. "And this, right? My lyrics and my face?"

"They aren't really asking for your permission," Ji Eun said, picking her words carefully, her body the very image of resignation. Slumped shoulders, knees pressed together, hands clasped, eyes downward. "It's in your contract, that they can use your songs for their own distribution and-"

"What am I left with, then?" Hyungwon asked, his voice soft, and Ji Eun was quiet, just listening. He knew this wasn't her fault, that she'd probably already fought with Kihyun's manager and others before coming to him. But still, it was just one more thing for Kihyun to steal from him. "My face?" He traced the fingertips on both his hands across the smooth surface of his face, feeling for the accented cheekbones, the strong jawline. "The one thing I didn't have to create myself?" His fingers stopped on his lips before falling back to his sides. "Ah, but that's not quite right, is it? Starship owns my face too. So they can plaster it on ads and make an extra buck. Hyungwon is attractive, Hyungwon drinks Pepsi, you can be attractive if you drink Pepsi too."

"Hyungwon-"

"I'm going home," he announced, standing up and trying not to meet Ji Eun's eyes. He didn't like fighting with her, but it had just been so busy lately, and it had started to hit him all at once, way too hard. How he was twenty-eight years old and still playing dress up.

"All right," she responded softly, keeping her eyes down as well. "I'll see you tomorrow...?" she said, her voice tilting up at the end to subtly ask Hyungwon if he was planning on coming in.

He didn't respond on his way out.

--

"I'm back," he announced, stepping into his apartment and shutting the door behind himself, locking it. He flicked on the kitchen lights, not because he needed to use the room but because, like most things in his life, it was a charade, a small attempt to make himself feel less alone.

"Hi," Hyungwon greeted, poking his head into his bedroom, his eyes falling on the black box beside his bed. "How are you doing, Kyungie?"

He'd named the heater after his younger brother, Kyungwon. They'd been close for a long time, until Hyungwon had debuted. They hadn't spoken in some time. Hyungwon was supposed to have attended his graduation, but work had gotten in the way. Something had happened to one of the tracks for his comeback at the time, and he'd had to work through the whole week to create a replacement track. The song came out fine.

Hyungwon would have liked to have seen Kyungwon walk across the stage.

The heater didn't respond (as expected), and Hyungwon turned back into the kitchen. He stood in front of the fridge for a moment before opening it and staring at the bleak contents inside. He sighed as he shut the doors again, finding himself not that hungry after all. He'd eat later, or in the morning maybe.

Instead, he laid down on the couch, pulling out his phone. He could do a V Live and try to stir up more anticipation for the comeback. But he knew he'd be likely to say something he shouldn't while he was in this mood, so he found himself opening up old messages instead. The most recent contact was Ji Eun, as they'd texted earlier that day about meeting up to go over things. Just beneath her was his mom, but he couldn't talk to her either. She'd always supported him, and he knew that if he told her what he was thinking, she'd just create empty compliments to try to make him feel better. Telling him things he knew weren't true, like that his voice was better than everyone else's, that he was the best dancer she'd ever seen, that sort of thing. And he knew she did it out of love, but he couldn't stomach that, not right now.

His finger hovered over a month-old chat with his previous group member, Shin Hoseok. He talked with the others every now and then, but he always felt bad about doing it, like he was bothering them. Hyunwoo was choreographing for Starship's newest group, Jooheon and Changkyun were on tour together, and Minhyuk had gone into acting. The only one Hyungwon felt comfortable talking to anymore was Hoseok. After Monsta X had disbanded, he'd gone on to become a fitness trainer at a high-end gym. It was a job that suited him perfectly, one that he'd wanted to do for a long time.

Hyungwon was happy for him.

But in a more real sense, Hyungwon was jealous of him. For figuring out what he wanted to do with his life and making it happen. Hyungwon felt trapped, in a way. The entertainment industry was all he'd ever really known. He didn't know what he'd do outside of it. He didn't know who he'd be offstage.

He opened the chat and, before he could stop himself, sent him a message.

--

Hyungwon
Coffee tomorrow @9?

Hoseok
Hey Hyungwon!!
Good to hear from you!!
We haven't talked in a while
And sure, I'd love to have coffee
The usual place?

Hyungwon
Yeah

--

Hyungwon was sitting in the corner booth, face mask drawn over his mouth. He was wearing his long coat again (not that it helped). He was freezing and wanted nothing more than a good cup of coffee, but he felt like it would be rude if he ordered before Hoseok got there when he'd been the one to drag him out.

His phone was going off with panicked notifications from Ji Eun, but he just turned off the ringer and pushed the phone against the wall. He crossed his arms on the table and laid his head on the makeshift pillow, turning his eyes out the window to the daily street life.

"Hey!" came a cheerful greeting, startling Hyungwon out of his reverie and causing his head to jolt off his arms and smack against the table.

"Ow," he mumbled, slowly bringing himself to sit upright as he rubbed at his head to find Hoseok seated across the table from him with a grin on his face. "Hey."

"So, what's up with you, Hyungwon?" Hoseok asked, keeping his voice down a bit so they didn't attract unnecessary attention.

Hyungwon was grateful. He lived with a sort of love-hate relationship towards his fans. He knew he needed them to exist, but lately, it had just gotten to feeling like a million tiny mouths were biting at his skin, eating away at him with their demands and their expectations. As with his previous manager, he felt like he was once again losing control over the public's Hyungwon.

"Let's order coffee first," Hyungwon spoke up, and Hoseok nodded, knowing that Hyungwon needed time to ease into a conversation. Hoseok turned over his shoulder, flagging down a waitress, and after she left, Hoseok turned back to Hyungwon.

"So? Your comeback is coming up, right?" he asked, his eyes brightening. "That's pretty exciting."

"Yeah, how'd you know?" Hyungwon mumbled, looking down at his legs and picking at a worn area of the fabric that would soon become a hole. His company encouraged him to wear pants with rips in them, to show off more skin. Because it was okay to be cute when you were a teenager, but he was twenty-eight now, and the only appropriate concept to aim for was sexy.

Hoseok just laughed in surprise. "I still keep up with the news, Hyungwon. Starship is doing promos right now."

"Oh. That's right."

The skin around Hoseok's eyes crinkled a bit as he grew concerned. "Are you doing all right, Hyungwon?"

Hyungwon just sort of nodded and shrugged at the same time before looking past the booth and back out the window. "You were on tour with Kihyun in Italy, right?"

Hoseok blinked, looking surprised. "Yeah, how-"

"You're not the only one who reads the news."

Hoseok laughed again, scratching at the back of his neck. "Yeah, I did a stage with him in Italy. The country is beautiful, Hyungwon. You have to go someday."

"Hyung, am I talented?"

Hoseok stilled at the sudden question, trying to meet Hyungwon's eyes to read him better, but Hyungwon was still staring out at the street. "What do you mean? Of course-"

"I don't mean, like, do I have talent," Hyungwon said, his eyes following one man in particular as he crossed the street and entered a building. "I mean...compared to everyone else who is doing the same shit as I am, am I worth anything at all?"

"Hey," Hoseok said softly, tugging at one of Hyungwon's hands to get him to look over at him. "What makes you ask that, Hyungwon? You're one of the most talented people I know."

Hyungwon tried to pull his hand away from Hoseok, not wanting to hear any bullshit from him, but Hoseok tightened his grip.

"No, I mean it, Hyungwon. You're attractive-"

"Why does everyone always start with that?" Hyungwon muttered, looking down at his lap.

"-you're a good singer-"

"But I'm not Kihyun."

"Okay, well you're a great dancer, definitely better than Kihyun."

"Dancing is for monkeys," Hyungwon replied bitterly, snatching his hands back and hiding them in his lap as he stared back out the window. Dancing had always been just another party trick to the entertainment industry. Just another string they could pull to watch as they were all forced into motion. And he'd enjoyed it, even. Enjoyed being a toy, a puppet.

"Hyungwon-"

"Do you ever wish we'd never debuted?"

A silence fell over the table, and a moment later, the waitress came by, setting their cups on the table.

"Hyungwon, let's talk at your place," Hoseok said, grabbing their drinks and throwing money down on the table.

Hyungwon looked over with a confused glance. "Hyung, those are the café's cups, you can't just take them with you-"

"I gave them extra money for the cups," Hoseok said, pulling Hyungwon out of the booth. "Come on."

--

"I'm back," Hyungwon said, Hoseok following him into the apartment and looking around with curious eyes. He'd never been to Hyungwon's new place before.

"Nice place," Hoseok said, scanning the kitchen and the living room off to the side.

Hyungwon just shrugged. In some ways, he missed their old dorm. Fights breaking out over breakfast. Shoes lined up at the door.

"Come sit," Hoseok said, patting the seat next to him on the couch, and Hyungwon gave in, setting his coffee on the table. "What's wrong, Hyungwon?" he asked, patting Hyungwon's thigh.

"It just feels so fake," Hyungwon said softly, unsure how to really express everything that had been going through his head the past couple of days.

"What feels fake?"

"What I'm doing." Hyungwon rested his right hand against the inside of his left elbow, wanting to scratch at the dry skin through the fabric of his shirt but resisting, curling his fingernails up against his palm. "When I was younger, it didn't matter to me as much, I was just so desperate to debut but now...now I'm stuck with the feeling like I've never done anything that has any sort of meaning at all."

Hoseok frowned but didn't interrupt.

"And for a while, I finally felt like...like I was creating something original, something that had actual worth, and...now I realize that that part of this is so small. My manager was right," he said, pausing to look down at his knees. "People don't care about the music. But that's all I care about. The photo shoots, the promos, the variety shows - I don't want to be just entertainment, Hoseok. I'm sick of being something for people to stare at. I want them to listen."

Hoseok met Hyungwon's eyes for a moment before he pulled out his phone, opening up his music. "I listen, Hyungwon. I care about your music." He showed Hyungwon the first playlist, titled Running Music. He scrolled down to show Hyungwon the tracks on the playlist, the majority of them songs Hyungwon had written and produced over the past two years. "I've been listening to your music Hyungwon, and honestly, I've been worried for a while." He set the phone down on the table with a weak smile. "When you asked me if I wanted to get coffee- it was like I needed an excuse to check up on you. I'm sorry that I wasn't brave enough to reach out first. I just thought that you'd be so busy with your comeback...but, Hyungwon, all your music sounds so sad to me."

"Then why are you listening to it during a run," Hyungwon scoffed, looking away to hide the glassiness of his eyes. He didn't think that any of them had listened to his music, that any of them had cared. When Kihyun had gone solo, it had been expected. But when he'd gone solo, he'd half expected them all to laugh at him, at his hopeless aspirations.

"Because it reminds me of how hard you're working," Hoseok said. "I know how hard it is to be in this business, and I can only imagine how much harder it is to be doing it all by yourself. I never really got the chance to tell you before, but...Hyungwon...I'm really proud of you."

Hyungwon looked over, his eyes wet because those were the words he'd needed to hear from somebody who didn't have to say them. "Why would you be proud of me?"

"Because you're putting yourself out there," Hoseok said, smiling at him gently as he noticed how close he was to crying. "And I think that's the most terrifying thing you can do. Not hiding behind lyrics or people or a stage persona. I know because I've done that before. I've hid behind lyrics I knew people wanted to hear me sing. I've put on acts for the cameras. And at the time, it felt like that was what I was supposed to do. But...there's a point where it gets scary, where you're all alone and you forget that you don't have to pretend anymore but you're still faking it for yourself." Hoseok pulled Hyungwon close, giving him a hug he knew he didn't want but that he needed. "Really, Hyungwon. I'm proud of you."

"The coffee is getting cold," Hyungwon said, his words muffled against Hoseok's shirt, and he laughed but took the hint, releasing Hyungwon.

"Sometimes we all just feel a little lonely," Hoseok sang in a sweet voice, the starting lyrics to one of Hyungwon's songs, and Hyungwon stood up, his face red.

"D-Don't sing that!" Hyungwon protested, embarrassed, but he couldn't help but smile at the fact that Hoseok remembered the words. "Kihyun will probably be stealing the lyrics anyway," he added as an afterthought, but the thought didn't hurt as much as before.

Hoseok smiled, stopping as requested, but he pulled at Hyungwon's sleeve, looking up at his flushed face. "Hey, Hyungwon? Call me up if you get lonely, okay?" Hoseok paused, his smile becoming softer. "Or if you just need someone you can be real with for a while."

Hyungwon was too touched to respond, afraid his voice wouldn't come out.

"Also," Hoseok said, picking up Hyungwon's phone and scrolling through the notifications. "You have 47 messages and 10 unanswered calls from Ji Eun. Your manager?"

Hyungwon groaned, the sentimental moment broken as the thought of Ji Eun popped up. "Yeah. I was supposed to show up at 8." He looked down at the phone. 10:21.

"Let's get you back," Hoseok suggested, standing up and casting a glance at the coffee, wincing slightly. "We'll pick up another coffee on the way."

"All right," Hyungwon agreed (more for the coffee than for Ji Eun). "But I'm not doing a shirtless photoshoot, I'm telling you that right now and I fully expect you to back me up on this when we get there."

"Shirtless photoshoots were all I did," Hoseok countered with a laugh, smacking Hyungwon's back lightly and almost shooting his spine out of his body. "But fine." He looked over at Hyungwon. "Oh, and Hyungwon? Even if Kihyun sings your songs, it will never be the same."

"Why not?" Hyungwon asked.

"Because the lyrics don't mean anything to him," Hoseok said. "He could have the best voice in the world but in the end, he's wearing a mask on the stage because he's selling his voice, not feelings."

"Then what am I selling?" Hyungwon asked, looking down.

"Your heart. And that's something he'll never have."