childhood memories pt. 1

that garden wasn't ours to roam.

we did anyways.

you had a flower crown gently resting on your head - i remember it clearly. you had two bright daffodils as centrepieces, adorning the rest with small blue flowers you had found somewhere in this garden. the colours were vivid, vibrant against the otherwise bland sky, our young bodies raking recklessly through the garden - picking flowers for your ill mother.

we were far too young to understand what these colours meant, yet they dominated our worlds; striking shades of crimson roses, warm yellow tulips, and effervescent purple hydrangeas.

my hand was engulfed by your own, tugging behind you like a shadow. people had taken a liking to pointing and whispering at our small figures, clambering around carefully to inspect each blossoming floweret.

your pencil straight hair was far shorter than it is now, hanging around your jaw, framing your face nicely. you had rambled on about how beautiful the flowers were, gesturing to lilies and black-eyed susans. i already had a rose chosen for you, quite eccentric about showing you my finding.

though, when i went to finally pick it, it had been crushed by a passerby, its once lively pink now a murky red, torn petals and stem ruined - i now realize that maybe it was an omen.

soon, you had picked out a handful of flowers, forming them into a bouquet and tying them together with the hair elastic around your wrist.

i remember hearing someone ask another if we could see in colour.

if we were soulmates.

just hearing the word made goosebumps prick my skin.

"they're too young for that," the other had whispered back, hand raising to cup her mouth. "sooyeon and jungkook are only seven."

at the time, i wondered what the feeble old ladies were talking about. now i understand.

you dragged me along again, to a more secluded spot in the vast garden. laying down on the grass, you had pulled me down with you, pointing to various clouds as your hair sprawled out beneath you, your deep brown eyes watching in amazement at the shapes the fluffy clouds had made. i giggled, laying down next to you, our joined hands between our bodies.

i had suppressed a smile before tickling you, your bright, surprised laughter filling the empty air. soon, you had tackled me and started tickling me, your dark hair obscuring your vision as your fingers mercilessly prodded at my sides.

finally, we finished our little tickle assault, sitting breathless and gazing at clouds once more.

the sun shone bright in the sky, its golden rays reaching out to touch us. i took a glance back at the path we came from, standing up and pulling you with me. "let's go," i told you, nodding my head back towards our houses. you followed suit, our short figures walking leisurely back to our homes.

this was the first time i recognized how pretty you were.

your face was framed by pin straight ebony locks, your deep brown eyes blanketed by thick lashes. your skin was bronzed beautifully - a few shades darker than mine - smooth, even, and gorgeous. you were always a few inches shorter than me, coming to my jaw when you stood tall. of course, i never did stop teasing you about your short height.

your name had its own beauty - sooyeon. it rolled perfectly off my tongue anytime i said it, making it more special to me. we grew up together since day one; our fathers were business partners and very close friends, and surprise surprise, we were born on the same day.

your mother was the sweetest woman i'd ever met, with her hazel eyes and soft european features. i wonder if that's where you got your perfectly tanned skin. your mother always treated me as one of her own, inviting me over for dinner and sleepovers every other week. she made a special dish that i loved - her signature lamb kebabs. i had always told you to learn the recipe so that when we moved away to live together in a big city, i could have them any time that i wanted.

how i wish we were still that innocent, to believe we could live together platonically.

as we had arrived to your home, you slipped through the door and i walked in behind you, watching as you pulled old flowers out of a dirty vase, filling it to the brim with clean, clear water. sliding the flowers into the now clean vase, you ushered me to follow you up the stairs and into your mothers room, where she laid with a book in hand, her beautiful features dull from sickness.

i still remember how fragile she looked. as if a breeze could blow her away. as if snapping my fingers would cause her bones to wither into fine dust.

it scared me.

one of the most important people in my life was laying helplessly on a large bed, her once caramel locks now a murky brown. her once gorgeous skin now almost translucent. her once lively features looking sunken and hollow. i couldn't do anything to help her.

the floral bedsheets crinkled under your knee as you extended your arms, placing the vase of flowers onto the side table and engulfing your mother into a hug. i joined in, and we stayed that way for a few moments.

i remember foolishly asking whether she could still make lamb kebabs in that state.

that was the first day i felt blue - melancholic; helpless.

i watched the tears escape your chocolate brown eyes and glide down your freckled cheeks, leaving a darker purple patch where your tear had landed on the bed sheet.

i kissed your cheek on impulse, as if the action could soothe you, watching a soft pink colour present itself onto the apples of your cheeks.

i didn't understand why you were crying.

but i do now.