And though kalopsia seems delightful,
I'd miss the ugly and gloom.

Yesterday evening I realized
My bones show through my skin.

My collar bones
My spine
My wrists
My pelvic bone
Showing how
Thin
Pretty
In control
I am

And despite all of the above,
I only see
My thighs so thick when I sit
My belly sticking out just a little bit
And I hate myself for it.

I either eat too much junk
Or nothing at all for days.
And I pick myself apart
Though I act cocky and confident all day.

And I know that it's bad
I know that I shouldn't
tear myself apart like that.

But though I know that,
It's hard to have it
Any other way.

But as long as you don't see
each separate ribs,
It means I haven't gone too far,
I've still not crossed the stepping line.

The worse is
I know I'm not fat.
Some girls long to have my body
With a thigh gap
And a defined waist.

Maybe if my skin was smoother,
I'd feel a little prettier.
But the scars on my hip and arm
And the flecks on my back and breasts
Keep teasing me and
Hurting me and
Breaking me.

And I know I'm not pretty,
Though you say the contrary.
For if beauty is a state of mind
I know I don't shine.
Don't call me cute
When neither inside or outside
I'm beautiful.

And I don't have a disorder
So I don't need or deserve any help
But I want to be better
And I want to be great.

Though I don't want love
I'm afraid no one's ever gonna love me
For who I am and not out of pity.

I know someday I'll be great,
Just got to get a hold of myself.

I just have to hope and dream
Today.