The next morning, I stood under the shower, silently scrubbing myself while glaring at the mist. It fogged around like the deathly fumes of cigarette smoke, reminding me of when me and my father used to take showers together well into my teens until he died.

Sometimes he would play around with his privates and have me play around with them as if it was a game. I remember finding it funny as he did this but now looking back, a sickly bomb dropped in my stomach, and a shadow of dread hovered over my body with a question that I feared the answer to.

Was all of that really just abuse? Was it not as innocent as I remember it to be?

I stared miserably at the ground as a headache started drumming down, setting off beams of pain that distorted my foggy memory. I can barely remember if my dad had any malicious look while showing me that.

Although he never got mad if I came home covered in mud after playing with Mihai like other parents. He would even encourage me to get as dirty as possible so we can take longer special baths with each other.

I slowly slid down the cold walls as it iced my bare skin. Curling into a ball, and letting my heated tears stream down my cheeks. While the aching pain stabbed my confusing heart.

"I'm so confused," I croaked out through my sobs. "I'm so so confused." I whispered and clutched my hair, ripping out my strands.

"I don't want it to be true..." I bit down my knuckle and tore apart the skin, ripping out a metallic taste.

I hissed, glaring down at the blood and then up at the valve through the steam. Suddenly wanting to boil away my feelings, I smeared away the blood, and stumbled over and turned it all the way high. The scalding water roared out and stung my bare body like hailstones.

I heaved out a heavy breath while the water stung my scars like falling thorns. I grabbed my loofah and scrubbed my skin like I was scraping away my feelings and the faint touches that tingled my hairs.

"It can't be true, it just can't!" I screamed and scrubbed harder. My cheeks burned an anguished red, matching the scarlet lines that skated along my skin as I scratched it until it burned.

Once I had no more tears left, I got out and the numbing sensation diverted my thinking away from my father. I sighed irritably as I looked at my now pinkish arm.

At least it's better than thinking too much him.

I went into my room and sat down in front of my vanity table, letting the surrounding bright bulbs illuminate my face. I applied an alluring maroon shade that glossed over my lips. I filled my eyebrows to perfection and thickened my eyelashes that fluttered over my green sparkling eyes.

I put on my fiery blouse, cutting low against my cleavage, and making my breasts sparkle in the light as I dusted some shimmer onto them.

I twirled around, letting my luscious brown hair bounce in the radiating glow of the morning light. I pulled up blue jeans that accentuated my curves and grabbed my kids phones from my cupboard.

Just before going downstairs, I woke up my kids by kissing them on the cheek while whispering "Te iubesc" — I love you—in their ears. Then I placed Raidan's asthma medication next to him and went downstairs.

I went downstairs groaning and prepared some toast with scrambled eggs. Then I started preparing their sandwiches for lunch with 25 lei for each of them. My hands speedily worked as giving them pocket money always lifted my spirits.

At one low point I was prostituting myself for money in order to feed them while studying at Pharmacy School. And as I glazed the ham against the bread, my fingers clenched against the knife, resembling the one they held against my throat when they stole back my money, even when I tried begging for mercy.

I thought they would go easy on a young struggling mother. Since I grew up surrounded with help from my extended family and my dad always had me helping anyone at any opportunity.

But I was wrong. Instead, I was thrown onto the cold stone ground and the rosy veils that I saw the world through lifted away. Replaced with somber darkness that encased me like a cocoon. 

My flame of hope then died. As I realized there was no point playing nice in this cruel and heartless world.

When I was finished, my kids came down all dressed and ready in their school uniform, so I dabbed away at a tear straying down my cheek, leaving a cold hidden trail of resentment.

"'Neață Mami," Raidan chimley greeted me, his eyes twinkled like the blue sky.

"Morning..." Reina repeated lowly while following him behind. Her shoulders hiked up as she sat beside him.

"Good morning my sweeties, did you sleep well?" I asked as I settled down their plates. They nodded and Raidan spread nutella on his toast while Reina had strawberry jam.

"Are you looking forward to school today?" I asked, sliding down into my seat.

"Not really. I'm only looking to football afterwards." Raidan giggled and popped a toast in his mouth. He munched and crumbs sprayed all over his cheeks.

"Oh yes, you have football club today. I hope you enjoy yourself and don't forget your inhaler."

"I won't!" he exclaimed and licked his fingers.

"So Reina are you coming straight home then?" I asked as I nibbled the edge of my toast.

"Mhm..." she quietly nodded and her head slowly rose. "I should come back at the time I always do."

"Okay. I'll try and come see you in your room if I get time."

"Okay thanks Mama." She grinned quickly looked down to her food.

I continued nibbling at the edge of the toast but gagged. While incarcerated, whenever the thought of my father abusing me encroached into my mind, I vomited all my food out. It was only till I got released from prison, Mihai took me to someone to help my appetite back.

I sighed and picked up everyone's plate when a headache poured in. It drowned me into a wave of pain as I cleaned up everything and grabbed their lunchboxes.

"Here are your lunches guys, I hope you enjoy it." I handed it to them with their phones and a kiss.

"Mersi Mama!" They said and slipped into their bags.

I then grabbed my keys as they hopped beside me when we exited our apartment. They speeded ahead and we walked out. I saw my neighbour, Andreea, watering her flowers from her balcony. I quickly greeted her as she waved back at me. She was an old woman who had a small frame and a friendly smile whenever I came out.

The wind beat my eyelids as we got inside the car and started driving. I groaned as the cacophony of noises flowed from the traffic. My headache got bigger and felt like a giant pang when I reached their International school.

"Have a good day, I love you," I said as they got out.

"Pa pa Mama! See you later!" They said and went to join their friends.

Since I wasn't going to start my data management job until late afternoon since I was now working remotely, I decided to drive to a pharmacy and get some painkillers before heading home.

Just as I was about to enter, my phone unexpectedly vibrated so I quickly got it out and it was a text from Laura.

Laura: Hei Mona! Mihai and I were planning on playing tennis this Saturday. Would you like to come?

Me: Hei! Sigur, I'll love to.

Laura: Okay, I'll send you the address later! I hope you're good!💖

Me: I am! Thank you! I'll speak to you tomorrow later.

I put my phone away and disappeared inside. I went to the medicine aisle and my fingers roamed around the different packets, looking for the right one.

"Trying to decide between brands can be a bit overwhelming, don't you think?"

I turned and a man was stood smiling beside me. His raven hair slicked to the side, glistening under the ceiling lights. I smiled back politely and tucked my hair behind my ear.

"Da. There are so many options. But I'm just looking for painkillers for my headache."

"Oh me too. I woke up with one this morning. It's really annoying when you get one this early." He released a deep chuckle that bubbled his chest.

"I know the feeling. But I think I caused mine by too much stress."

"Oh dear. Well, I hope you feel better," he said and picked up a packet, twirling it between his fingers.

"Mulțumesc, I hope you feel better too." I said softly, brushing a strand away while swaying a little.

"Anyway, it was nice speaking to you, I'm going to pay for this now," he said and was about to walk off when he turned back to me and said, "by the way, nice piercing."

"What this?" I brushed over the smiley piercing that laid above my gap. My cheeks blushed slightly as I bit my lips at the compliment.

"Da. They look like little diamonds," he said, flashing a bright smile.

I covered my lips as a small giggle escaped. "Thank you, they are one of my favorites."

"You're welcome, I hope you have a nice day!"

"You too!" I said as he walked towards the till. I then picked up some paracetamol and went to pay for it while that little compliment made the rest of my day bright like the morning sun.