ILLICIT BLUES.
02.   ╱ Surfing Is A Painkiller

For as long as Marigold could remember, she had been hidden.

   Whether it was done by herself or others, she was hidden. Herself meaning her feelings, shoved away by the importance of others taking up space. Hidden in the back of her mind, and waiting to be pulled out. And the others, such as her father, who often hid her away from society. Social meetings, business meetings───he was always sending her away to the kitchen, her room, anywhere where they weren't.

She hated the feeling of being pushed away, but her mind never allowed her to talk to anyone about it, so she just stays hidden.

   No matter how weary her body or soul began to feel, she hid it away. She hid everything away from anyone who would try to break down her walls. No treasurer had been able to find that chest hurried deep inside her mind, blocking her true thoughts and feelings.

   Except for Belly.

   Waves crashed onto Marigold as the thoughts of the girl came rushing into her mind. Her breath hitched as the cold water surrounded her legs that lay on each side of the board underneath. The thoughts corrupted Marigold's brain, mind poisoned by the ethereal girl that had wrapped herself around her heart.

Belly Conklin, the girl who broke the barricades in her mind.

From the moment she had met Belly (since they were just infants), she felt bare around her. Nothing was hidden from her, nothing was kept secret. Every thought she thought, every feeling she felt, everything was simply on display for the Conklin girl───except for one. The one if she were to find out, everything could fall to pieces. Nothing would be the same, and Marigold couldn't handle that pain.

   The pain of losing the one person who made her feel like herself, not hidden, seemed impossible. It was a gorgeous and brutal sight: falling in love with Belly.

The one secret that was kept secret, the one bizarre story that Marigold wasn't able to tell her.

From a distance, the waves washing up onto her lap, Marigold watched the girl. It wasn't creepy, she just happened to glance over, noticing the Conklin with her older brother. She admired from afar. They were laughing together, throwing each other into the water. She was smiling big, Marigold could tell, even from afar, and she looked gorgeous.

She always looked gorgeous.

The sun slowly began to set behind the water, disappearing beneath the ripple of the water. Marigold felt the water growing colder on her skin and decided to paddle myself back to the shore to get ready for dinner. She lied flat on her stomach, using her arms to push the water behind her. Soon enough, she had reached shore, peering over to see that Belly and Jeremiah had recruited back inside just as she was doing.

Marigold put away her board, resting it beside the many others. Ever since she was a young, she always had her own board, and decorated it in her own special way. It was something she loved dearly, though some may find it weird whenever she said she had a strong connection to her board.

But it was true, the board was hers, only hers, and that made it special.

Jogging into the house in her blue bikini, she spotted her mom and Laurel laughing together in the kitchen. Some people compare the two of them to her and Belly, but deep down, she knows that isn't true. But sometimes, she couldn't help but wish it was. It would be way more simple that way. Just friends.

    Without bothering the happy mothers, she rushed up to her room to get changed but was interrupted by an incoming call.

    "You will tell Isabel Conklin about your feelings!" Lila demands abruptly. Lila, Marigold's best friend, and the only person who she has ever told about her feelings for belly. She's been there for all the times Marigold needed to cry to someone when belly was the reason she was crying. she couldn't imagine a world without the girl, she was truly her soulmate.

Platonically, obviously.

   "Well, hello to you too," Marigold chirped back to the girl, walking out of the frame to change into her clothes.

   "You have to tell belly how you feel. This is the summer, I can feel it," Lila declares, scrunching her face and lifting her fingers to tap against her temple in a knowing manner. Marigold grabbed her phone before flopping onto her bed, white sheets with pink and yellow flowers plotting the cover. "Something good is going to happen this summer, and it's going to be you and Belly."

   "You know I can't do that," Marigold argues back, trying to get the girl to understand the situation.

   "And why exactly not?" Lila responds back through the phone, raising her brows in wonder. She sighed at her stubbornness, shaking her head.

   "It could ruin everything we have, Lila. She's the most amazing person I've ever met. Her eyes light up when she smiles and I feel my heart skip a beat. I feel I can't breathe when I'm without her, it hurts too much. Everyday without summer is another day I have to wait to see this amazing girl. I want us to grow old, her be the Laurel to my Susannah. I want to come back to this beach house years later to have our kids enjoy it. I can't ruin that." Marigold rants to the girl, ruffling her hair anxiously.

When she looks back, Lila holds an expression of sincerity: a soft smile playing at the corner of her lips. "I don't think it's just a little crush anymore."

   Marigold stays silent. Whatever it was, it could never be more. It couldn't be because that would only mean more heartbreak in the end and Marigold couldn't handle that. "Just hear me out───you tell her and if it turns out she feels the same way! Boom, you're the hottest couple in cousins."

   I roll my eyes at her words. "And if she doesn't?"

   "Then you'll have your amazingly, awesome, incredible best friend to hold your hand and watch 10 Things I Hate About You on repeat with strawberry and vanilla ice cream."

   "I just can't risk it," Marigold shrugs, offering a sorry smile toward her friend. Though, she was more sorry for herself.

   Marigold heard a mumbled shout that dinner was ready from her mom and turned to say goodbye to Lila who returned the words.

   "Just tell her, okay?" The girl rose a brow and Marigold nodded hesitantly in return.

   It was a complete lie.

♱

Summer dinners were something Marigold Fisher hated very deeply. The formality of the meal weirded her out and made her feel awkward. The only positive was that she was regularly sat next to the conklln girl. Because of their position, side by side, their legs would occasionally brush up against each other. She couldn't help but love the soft feeling of the girl's skin against her own but also feel guilty for her thoughts.

She felt a nudge on her arm from the girl beside her. Marigold looked over and watched as the girl motioned to the both of their brothers laughing and rolled her eyes. Marigold let out a quiet giggle, trying to muffle it with the back of her hand. Belly's eyes lit up at the action.

"Steven, I swear to God, if you look at that phone one more time, I'm putting it in the screen basket," Laurel warned the boy.

"It's just, we wanna see your beautiful faces," Susannah said, attempting to soften the blow of the Conklin women's harsh warning.

"Can dinner be a screen-free zone?" Susannah asked the group. "You know, like in the olden days."

Laurel laughed softly at the joke. Marigold wasn't sure it was even that funny but she offered a smile to her mother anyway.

"Steven," Jeremiah warned, watching as the boy continued on his phone. He stole the phone from his hand and shot it into the basket.

"Dude, are you kidding me?" The eldest Conklin child groaned while Jeremiah cheered as he made the shot.

"Okay, we get it───you've been working out," Steven rolled his eyes at the blonde boy.

"Oh, you're just jealous," Marigold teased the boy.

"Because Jere has a better body than you," Belly continued taunting him. Both her and Marigold turn toward each other, clapping theirs hands together in a cheerful victory.

"Uh, no. Actually, it's all about the lean look now. Otherwise, you can't wear tailored suits," He explained and Marigold placed a finger between her patted lips, pretending to gag. Everyone teased the boy and laughed at his words.

"When are you leaving for training camp, man?" Steven turned his attention to the head of the table where Conrad sat quietly.

The whole Fisher family froze instantly, an awkward silence falling over the group before Jeremiah spoke up. "Uh, he quit football."

"Wait, really? You quit?" Steven asked and Conrad nodded in return. Marigold noticed the girl beside her trying to read the boy, her eyes narrowed. "Are you kidding me, man? I'd-I'd kill to play college ball."

"He can always change his mind," Susannah declares, repeating the same thing she's been saying for a while now.

"I'm not gonna change my mind. I was just gonna sit on the bench all season anyway," Conrad argues, determined to make her understands

"Well, if you're not playing football anymore, what are you gonna do all summer?" Laurel asked the boy softly.

"Oh, dude! You can work at the club!" Steven suggested, an excited smile on his face. "Yeah, with me and Jere."

"I'm not gonna work at the club," he concluded, offering a thin-lip smile to the boys.

"Wait, you guys are working this summer?" Belly questioned the two boys across from her, clearly confused. Jere never shut up about it and Marigold was sure if she never heard "club" and "work" in the same sentence again, it would still be too soon.

"Yeah, I'm lifeguarding, and Steven is working at the snack shop," Jeremiah and Steven high-fived each other.

"Oh, Belly, I almost forgot," Susannah got up to grab an envelope. The Fisher girl groaned inwardly at the sight of the same one that had been handed to her a couple days ago before the Conklin's came. "I have a surprise for you."

"So, this is why you had to stop by the country club," Laurel spoke with realization while Susannah sent an innocent shrug along with a smile.

"What, uh, what is that?" Steven questioned with curiosity, slightly leaning forward in an attempt to get a better look. Marigold could bet he wouldn't have a single bit of interest once it was revealed.

"I wrangled Belly an invitation to be a debutante," Susannah declared. "I have one to Marigold as well."

"Is that the thing where the girls wear white dresses and curtesy?" Belly questioned, sending a look of uncertainty toward Marigold to which she returned the gesture with a helpless shrug.

"It's when a girl comes of age and is presented to society," Susannah explains to her. "I know it sounds silly, but I swear it's fun. Girls come from all over New England to Cousins just to be apart of it. You'll make so many new friends."

And that was exactly what Marigold was afraid of.

"I cannot believe you are still holding onto this archaic dream," Laurel shook her head and got up from her seat.

"No, it used to be about finding a husband, but now it's about networking," Susannah concluded, explaining the whole deb thing. Marigold didn't want to do it, but she said she would give it a thought for her mother's sake. "They teach you leadership skills, like how to market yourself, and it benefits charity. It's like a bat mitzvah."

"It is not like a bat mitzvah," Laurel comes back in with a laugh, holding a bottle of champagne. "There is nothing religious about a debutante ball."

"The whole deb scene is bullshit," Conrad finally contributed to the conversation, all the attention turning towards him. "It's for sheep."

"You haven't ever made us think otherwise," Marigold rolled her eyes with a mutter, recalling the many times he's complained about the debutante scene. She agreed, of course, but she wasn't bringing it up with every breath.

"No, it's not! It's when a girl has a coming out───it's a formal recognition she's reached maturity."

Steven laughed, trying to not spill his food, earning a pout from his sister. God, that pout would be the death of Marigold. Belly looked too damn adorable.

"Oh, sorry!" He chuckles out the apology. "I'm sorry, mature? Belly?"

"A couple months ago you had a cat funeral," Steven said, teasing his younger sister. "You made us all wear black."

Marigold remembered the moment she heard about Mochi. Belly called her, crying hysterically into the phone. She felt her heart break, staying on the call until the girl had called asleep. If only her phone hadn't died before they were able to stay on the entire night.

"Shut up, Steven! I saw you crying in your room," Belly argued, narrowing her eyes.

"Wait, Mochi died? Dang. I'm so sorry, Bels," Jeremiah says with sincerity.

"Belly," Susannah breaks them out of the immature conversation. "Don't you want to get all dressed up?"

"It's just not Belly's kind of thing," Laurel explains, adjusting the hair on her daughter's shoulder. "She's our feral little alley cat."

This resulted in another laugh from Steven and Jeremiah, which seemed to drive Belly to say what she said next.

"I'll think about it," she finally responds, smiling a little when she feels the hand Marigold slid into her own, making the Fisher girl's lips curve as well.

"She'll think about it," Susannah raised her glass happily, but Laurel didn't seem as happy. She looked over to her daughter with a hesitant glance.

↳ ˗ˏˋ NOTES ˊˎ˗ ↴

second chapter! what do you think?
i've been listening to hit me
hard
and soft, and it's sooo good!

this isn't edited so,
sorry if
there are any mistakes

i hope you liked it! thank you
for reading,
love you all so much! 🫶