Welcome dracollavenore to the Blue Light Ultra Experience.

Neuro-link begins in three, two...

Kkktt!

Error 404: Chronic laziness detected.

Kkttt!!

Four-four-forty t-t-two...

Kkktt!!

Warning. Warning. System breach. System hacked.

Show me the CARFAX.

Have a 😃 ☀️

Kkktttt!

Please enjoy this random GIF while we fix the problem.

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

Got milk?

Zzz-whaAA-Ooop!

"Where am I?" you ask. You slowly check your surroundings. You are in what looks like a barren, white room. Letters written on the walls flow left to right and right to left. You scratch your head as you try to figure out what is going on only to discover that you have stubby horns. Drawing back your hand, you discover green, scaly skin. "What is going on?" A quick check reveals your wings (detached from your arms) and tail with red spikes at the end. Thankfully, you are 180 cm tall (or 5 feet 10 inches for those who don't use the metric system—or 10.866 inches if you really want to get technical).

"Drac," interrupts a booming voice. You turn to see three elderly people appear out of nothing. "We are the gods of Wattpad. We have found you guilty of writing too many engaging cliffhangers and being too good at research (aka stalking). You are also too good at description for your own good."

"So I'm being punished for being a decent writer?"

"We don't make the rules." One of the other beings whispered something into the ear of the first. "Oh, right. We do make the rules...being gods and all. You're punishment is either having one of the 'L's in your username removed or being trapped forever in a cartoon of our choosing. Which do you—"

"Trapped in a cartoon."

"You don't want to think about it a moment?"

"Nope."

"Any questions before we finish sentencing?"

"Yeah, why am I an anthropomorphic dragon?"

"It has something to do with your sentencing; for we have chosen you to be sucked into the world of...My Little Pony."

You fall to your knees and scream and blood-curdling scream.

"JK," said the "leader" god. "We aren't that cruel. No, you will be sent to the show Pokémon." You nod your head slowly; at least it isn't My Little Pony. "You will be Ash's newest Pokémon."

You again fall to your knees and scream. "Nooo!! Not Ash! Anybody but Ash! He's incompetent, and he only ever uses Pikachu."

"The decision is final." The god-judge bangs his gavel.

Kt-zzzt! Please stand by. We are experiencing technical difficulties. 😀😅😨😥😈😈😈

🤫

🎶 I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was. Catch them is my real test, to train them is my cause. I will travel across the land, searching far and wide—🎶

"Uh-uh," says the judge. "We don't have time for that. Skip ahead."

***

A silhouette appears.

"Who's that Pokémon?" says a voice. An image of your new form appears. "It's Dracollavenore!"

***

"What kind of Pokémon is this?" says Ash, getting way too close to your face for comfort. He pulls out his PokéDex and scans you.

"Dracollavenore, the Lemony Snicket Pokemon," the PokéDex reports. "This young man was once a human until he became too good of writer and was punished by the gods of Wattpad to become a Pokémon. He is a dragon-psychic type. His moves include Flamethrower, Fly, Smack Talk, and Emoji Barrage."

"Pikachu, use Thunderbolt and make Dracollavenore mine!"

"Wait, what?" you say. But it's too late. The attack lands and you stumble around a bit before getting whacked in the head by a PokéBall.

The next thing you know is that you've been sucked into the iconic red and white ball.

"Great," you mumble before checking out your new surroundings.

Your mouth drops once you spot three gorgeous female Pokémon waiting for you in a hot tub. A butler then brings you a plate of PokéChow. You slide in next to the females and put your arms around them. With a contented sigh, your muscles relax. "I could get use to this."

But before you can get too comfortable, you hear the words, "I choose you, Dracollavenore!"

Suddenly, you're forced outside of the PokéBall and into a battle...against Houndour. You groan at Ash. Everyone knows that psychic type Pokémon are weak against dark type. You try to tell this to Ash, but it comes out as, "Drac, Drac, Dracollavenore." You sigh, but then you remember psychic Pokémon can use telepathy to talk to humans.

"Hey, Ash," you say, "stop being such a noob. Use a fighting or bug type."

Ash blinks a few times before shouting, "You can talk?! This is so cool!" He begins dancing around you and asking a lot of questions.

"Ash! You're in the middle of a battle! Get your head in the game!"

"Oh, right."

Using your advice, Ash switches you out for a fighting Pokémon. The battle is over relatively quickly.

"That's amazing, Dracollavenore!" says Ash. "How could a level 4 Pokémon know all that?"

"Internet," you say.

"Inter-what?"

"Never mind."

Ash then decides to let you teach him, which is probably the smartest thing he's ever done. Over the next few months, your advice and coaching not only gets you leveled up to 17, but you are now going up against the Elite Four.

"Dracollavenore, use Smack Talk," says Ash.

You telepathically insult your opponent, Trubbish, by saying she looks like a bag of garbage. You say how she's only there because the Pokémon creators are getting lazy and desperate for ideas.

"Quick," says Ash, "while Trubbish is paralyzed, use Emoji Barrage!"

A blast of smileys, bro-fists, and cat emojis emit from your hands. They smash into Trubbish and send her flying. She crashes back to Earth with little "X"s over her eyes.

"Trubbish is unable to battle," announces the commentator.

The rest of the tournament goes about the same. Ash switches out Pokémon and uses strategy to advance through the Four.

It finally comes down to Ash versus the last member of the Elite Four. Ash and the final fighter square off, but the battle is interrupted (of course) by Team Rocket. After having been beaten by you and Ash multiple times, they finally came up with a decent plan (who knew). They go after you first, by using Klefki, a fairy type. You're Smack Talk insult of it looking like a keychain had no effect, but its Draining Kiss hurts you. You fall to the ground, groaning. You try to stand but the Klefki took too much health from you; it was super effective.

Team Rocket laughs as they grab Pikachu. Ash rushes to your side. "Dracollavenore, you can do it. I believe in you. You've been a great friend." Ash hugs you and begins to sob. His tears trickle down and begin to wet your face.

Suddenly, you begin to glow. Ash steps back as you raise into the air. Music fills the arena. You become a glowing ball of pure white. The light fades and now your stubby horns have grown large. More red spikes appear along your tail. Your hands develop claws and your teeth are sharp.  You're also 6 feet tall (or about 182 cm).

"This is amazing!" says the commentator as everyone stands in shocked awe. "Dracollavenore has evolved into Drac!"

Ash quickly checks his PokéDex. "Drac, the Daniel Handler Pokémon, is the evolved form of Dracollavenore. By evolving Dracollavenore, Drac learns a powerful new ability." the 'Dex reports.

"Alright, Drac," says Ash turning his hat backwards, "use Deus ex Machina to save the day!"

You roar out a powerful force from your mouth. The blast not only takes out Klefki, but sends Team Rocket blasting off again. Ash hugs you as Pikachu says, "Pika, Pika," in way of thanks. You can't help but smile.

***

Suddenly, you find yourself back at the white room with the Wattpad gods.

"Congratulations, Drac," said the leader. "You have passed the test and evolved both as a Pokémon and as a writer."

"You mean all of this was some kind of test?" you ask in confusion.

"Pretty much."

"Why?!"

"Do you really want to know or do you want to return home?"

"I really want to know!"

"Drat. I was hoping you wouldn't ask. You see, it's because a contest like no other will soon descend upon Wattpad. You will need to be be at your best. A true Pokémon Master...I mean Wordsmith Master."

"What contest? The Wattys?"

The judge-god gives a knowing smile. "Maaaaybeee..." He then bangs his gavel again.

Ending simulation. I hope you enjoyed your ride. If you did, don't forget to leave a comment and a vote. If you didn't, you can still leave a comment and a vote. Ha, ha, ha...

Have a nice day and thank you for choosing BLUE for your virtual reality needs.

Don't forget to visit the gift shop (chapter 3) before leaving.

_____
This has been a Pokémon fanfiction.