Epilogue

TW: Sensitive language and content. Please be guided.

"Anak, iniwan na tayo ng tatay mo."

Iyon ang naabutan ko nang umuwi ako mula sa paglalako ng paninda ni Nanay. Her head was bowed, and she had a piece of paper in her hand. Bakas ang luha sa mga mata niya habang ang ilang panindang ibebenta namin bukas ay nakakalat lang sa mesa. Halatang hindi pa nagagalaw.

I was 11, and ever since I learned what was going on with my family, I knew that I wouldn't live my life like other kids my age. Mula sa may kayang pamilya si Nanay, pero nang itanan siya ni Tatay ay kinamuhian siya ng ama't ina. I'd never met my grandparents. I just knew that something bad happened to them and that they left Nanay a piece of land so she could start a new life . . . kahit pa may pagtatampo sila rito.

"L-Leon, paano tayo?" Kita ko ang pagbagsak ng luha sa mga mata niya. "Kukunin daw sa 'kin 'yong lupa ni Papa. Ginawang collateral ng tatay mo. Hindi pa fully paid 'yong lupang binabayaran natin sa dulo. Wala na tayong pagkukuhanan ng pera. Pati 'yong ipon ko para sa pag-aaral n'yo, tinangay niya. Wala nang natira . . ." Umiling siya. "Anak, wala nang natira kay nanay."

Inilagay ko ang basket ng pinagbentahan sa isang upuan at lumapit sa kanya.

"Nandito pa ako, nay." Binuksan ko ang plastic kung saan nakalagay ang mga lulutuing kakanin. "Hindi ko po kayo iiwan."

At an early age, I knew that life wouldn't be easy for me. Nakita ko ang lahat ng paghihirap ni Nanay para maitaguyod ang pamilya namin, at hindi ko kayang tumunganga lang habang pinanonood siyang isakripisyo ang buong buhay niya.

Without my father, I was no longer a slave to abuse or fear, but this newfound freedom came with a heavy burden of responsibility.

Bilang panganay, sa akin nailipat ang mga obligasyon niya sa amin. Pagkagaling sa eskwela ay diretso na ako sa paglalako ng mga itinitinda ni Nanay. Inobserbahan ko rin kung paano niya gawin ang mga 'yon para kapag pagod siya ay ako na lang ang kikilos. Sa gabi ay tinuturuan ko pa ang mga kapatid ko sa assignments nila. Saka lang ako puwedeng tumutok sa pag-aaral kapag natapos ko na ang lahat.

"Sorry, pa. Sorry . . ."

Nang makita kong nakatanaw si Nanay sa lupaing dati ay kanya, puno ng luha at pagkabigo ang mukha, ay ipinangako ko sa sarili na darating ang araw na aanihin niya lahat ng itinanim niyang paghihirap.

For that reason, I realized I couldn't afford to get distracted . . . and while I thought I was doing it well, the freshman year of college rolled around.

Saktong kasasarado ko lang ng libro ay naghari sa silid namin ang klaro at dominanteng boses ng isang babae.

"Is this the room for BS Psychology 1-A?"

Her perfect diction caught my attention. Kahit pasigaw ang pagtatanong ay masarap sa pandinig ang tono ng boses niya. And so, I silently glanced at the door of the room, not expecting anything.

Maraming tao ang nandoon kaya hindi ko alam kung sino sa kanila ang nagsalita. I could hear my classmates murmuring about something, but I didn't really care. I already had a few acquaintances and old classmates here. I knew I could get by without conversing much.

Mag-iiwas na sana ako ng tingin sa pinto nang muling magsalita ang babae.

"Excuse me!"

I stalled a bit. Her voice sounded beautiful. Hindi matinis. Hindi rin masakit sa tainga. It was clear, a little deep, and assertive.

I waited for her to show up at the door, but when she did . . . I was taken aback.

"BS Psychology 1-A?"

Natulala ako sa mukha niya at alam kong ganoon din ang mga kaklase ko.

No one could answer her right away. It was as if her presence in the room had silenced everyone.

She was beautiful beyond belief . . . probably the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Mahaba ang bahagyang kulot na buhok niya at maganda ang hugis ng pulang mga labi. Her complexion was an ideal blend of white and brown tones, lending just the right amount of emphasis to her finely honed features. Mukhang intelehente . . . at suplada.

"I'm Amari Sloane Mendoza, 18, and from Colegio de Lopez. I read in my spare time, and I've chosen to study psychology because I'd like nothing more than for others to know the essence of taking care of their own mental health. The brain controls everything else in the body, so it's important to be compassionate when you think about yourself."

I was all ears when she introduced herself to the class. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit. There was just something about her that I found interesting. May it be her voice or her beauty, I wasn't so sure.

Nang ako ang magpakilala ay umahon ang kaunting inis sa dibdib ko dahil wala manlang siyang pakialam. She just went on scribbling in her notebook with those colorful highlighters . . . samantalang wala pa namang itinuturo.

"Ang daming maganda sa psych," saad ni Thaddeus habang nasa canteen kami. He was looking around, probably trying to find a woman who could pique his interest.

We were with some friends, but I couldn't help but keep thinking about that Mendoza girl who was seated at a nearby table. She was laughing with her companions. Sometimes, she would roll her eyes, and other times, she would tell them stories.

I was just wondering what was making her laugh . . . or what she was saying. Kung ano ang ikinaiinis niya at napapairap siya. I don't know, really. I felt like I was watching a good movie starring her.

"Sino'ng tinitingnan mo?"

Sa pagtatanong ni Thaddeus ay napatingin sa amin ang ibang kasama sa mesa.

"Wala," inis na pahayag ko.

Tumawa siya. "Hindi, eh. May tinitingnan ka sa table na 'yon."

"Saan, Thaddeus?" natatawa na ring tanong ni Maricar. "Kay Mari?"

Hinigpitan ko ang kapit sa kutsara't tinidor nang marinig ang pangalan niya. Natatanga na yata ako. It was just the first day of college, for crying out loud! Ni hindi ko alam ang ugali ng babaeng 'yon!

"Ganda, 'no?"

"Sino d'yan?" usisa ng iba naming kasama.

"'Yong medyo kulot."

"Type ni Leon?"

"Tinitingnan daw sabi ni Thaddeus."

I muttered a curse. There was no way I could let them know I was a little . . . interested.

"She's not my type," I told them.

She wasn't really my cup of tea. I didn't lie about that. Masyado lang talaga siyang maganda para hindi mapansin. Her demeanor was sophisticated, and even the way that she behaved was refined. Pinong-pino at babaeng-babae.

But again, she was exactly the kind of girl I shouldn't daydream about. If so, I knew she could ruin me. She exuded that aura. Parang isang utos niya lang ay susunod ka. Isang sabi lang at mangyayari ang gusto niya.

I wasn't especially keen on dating. May iba akong prioridad sa buhay at mas marami akong kailangang unahin. Getting into a relationship was not for me at this moment.

"Ang sarap kagrupo ni Mari," saad ng isang kaklase nang mag-groupings kami sa isang subject.

"Kaya nga!" pagsang-ayon pa ng isa.

Hindi ako sumabat. Naghintay lang ako ng sasabihin niya. Isa pa, hindi naman ako ang kausap niya. I just happened to overhear. Nasa likuran ko kasi sila.

"Aral na aral siya."

Nagtawanan sila.

"Biruin mo, ha? Nagpasa kami ng gawa namin tapos hindi niya nagustuhan. Imbes na ipaulit, siya na lang daw ang tatapos."

"Gago kayo!"

"Eh, kasi naman! Perfectionist masyado."

"Tanga, okay nga 'yon. Iisa ang grade ng buong group. Effort niya, perfect grade ng lahat."

I clenched my fist in irritation. Agad na lumipad ang tingin ko kay Mendoza na ngayon ay nag-t-type sa laptop niya. Kanina pa siya ganoon. It was just the first week of college . . . and she was already this stressed out. Paano ay hindi naman pala kasi tumutulong ang mga kagrupo niya.

I then looked for the rest of her groupmates and noticed that most of them were already taking their break. Nagkukwentuhan at nagtatawanan pa. Parang walang group project na dapat ipasa.

Tumikhim ako. I hated to be the one to interrupt, but nobody should perform all the work for a collective task! Yes, the members shouldn't always adhere to the expectations of their leaders, but they couldn't just sit back and let her handle everything!

I moved the bridge of my glasses, really annoyed at the members who were not helping Mendoza. Naipasa na namin ang gawa namin dahil kaninang umaga pa ang deadline nito. Nag-request lang talaga siya na pahabain pa ang due date . . . at iyon pala ang dahilan kung bakit.

Tumingin ako sa likod ko kung saan nag-uusap ang mga kaklase.

"Tumulong kayo."

Bakas ang gulat sa mga mata nila nang sabihin ko iyon. Yeah. Of course. I hadn't talked to them since college started, and now I was interrupting their lame, pointless conversations.

But well, who gives a damn? Hindi nila puwedeng i-trato nang ganoon ang lider nila.

"Group project tapos isa lang ang pakikilusin n'yo?" I said flatly. "Aren't you ashamed?"

Sasagot pa sana ang isa sa kanila nang muli akong magsalita.

"I'll ask Ms. Lubrica to have the leaders grade their members."

It was a lie. I wouldn't go that far . . . but maybe if they weren't going to help her, I would.

They looked hopeless after that, which I believed was a victory on my part.

"Epal, eh . . ." saad ng isa sa kanila bago pairap na tumayo.

Sumunod ang mga kausap niya sa kanya, parehas sumpong. Pasimple kong pinanood kung paanong lapitan pa nila ang ibang kagrupo. Some stared at me, probably because I interfered, but I didn't really give a shit about that.

Lumapit sila kay Mendoza at nagtanong ng puwedeng gawin.

I felt a surge of warmth and contentment in my chest when she gave them a smile. It was annoying. Para bang malaking bagay pa sa kanya na tutulungan siya ng mga kagrupo niya . . . kahit pa 'yon naman talaga ang dapat.

She began assigning them duties, and as they started to work, I observed a slight change in her mood. Her eyes gleamed, and she seemed relieved.

Napayuko na lang ako sa librong binabasa.

What a nice girl.

Sila ang may pinakamataas na grades para sa written activity na 'yon. They got a perfect score, whereas my group got a 98. I almost felt bad for her because she was the only one deserving of that grade, but I was glad for her accomplishment nonetheless . . . lalo pa't ang ganda ng ngiti niya. Nakita ko pa kanina ang tahimik at maliit na pag-"Yes" niya nang i-announce iyon ni Ms. Lubrica. She also did a little silent dance to celebrate her triumph.

It was enough for me. Kahit pa madalas ay hindi niya ako tinatapunan ng tingin, hindi ko alam kung bakit masaya na akong makitang nakangiti siya kapag maganda ang performance niya.

It was the glimmer of happiness in her eyes that drew me in. The small claps she gave herself after answering impressively on a recitation. The tiny ball fist she made every time she got complimented by our instructor.

Dalawang linggo palang mula nang makita ko siya pero pakiramdam ko ay masasaulo ko na ang bawat arko ng kilay niya, ang bawat kibot ng labi, at bawat kumpas ng kamay.

I tried not to watch her too much. I might creep her out.

But . . . I just couldn't.

"I think the ones to blame are the parents, ma'am. 'Yon pong antecedent."

Napatigil ako sa pagsusulat nang marinig ang boses niya. I know. I know I should just continue jotting down notes, but then . . . she was talking! And Nanay told me to actually listen and pay respect to whoever was speaking!

Huminga ako nang malalim bago dahan-dahang nag-angat ng tingin para panoorin ang pagsasalita niya.

"The parents are to bear responsibility because the child may have gotten traumatized as a result of their constant fighting, and when they went their own ways, this trauma could've blossomed into something the child couldn't manage. So, 'yong pagrerebelde ng bata, is a valid response to his pain. We have different coping mechanisms, and maybe he found comfort in illegal drugs and alcohol."

She knew what she was saying. I was sure of that. I just think there was a flaw in her answer.

Inayos ko ang salamin at marahang napamura sa sarili. I wished I could transfer to another section. Hindi kasi ako makapagfocus kapag nasa paligid siya . . . kahit pa wala naman siyang ginagawa sa akin.

I kept my eyes on her as she recited. Baka nga hindi niya alam ang pangalan ko. Baka hindi niya ako kilala. We were sitting across from each other, and I'm sure she noticed me staring at her a thousand times, but she never said a word. Minsan ay mukha pa siyang iritable kapag nakikita akong nakamasid sa kanya. She'd roll her eyes and pucker her plump, red lips.

A small part of me was ashamed. Baka napapansin niyang lagi akong nakatingin. I hoped she wouldn't give it meaning. Magkatapat lang talaga kami ng silya . . . kaya ganoon.

But who was I fooling? When I was called to recite, I went against her answer . . . kahit pa ang totoo, para sa 'kin ay wala namang tamang sagot. The antecedent and the behavior were both to blame. Kaya lang, dahil pinapipili kami ni Ms. Lubrica, mas binigyan ko ng pansin ang behavior.

I knew that our instructor wasn't satisfied with Mendoza's answer. Hindi naman kasi siya maghahanap ng sasalungat dito kung hindi. She wanted another answer, so I started to think about what I could say from that point of view.

Wala akong pakialam sa tama o mali. Her rebuttals to my arguments were compelling, and if we weren't having a debate, I'd say she had a point. Hindi rin talaga nagpapatalo. I liked that about her. It's just that she backed down a bit and stuttered.

Sayang. If she made one more argument, I was sure I would give in.

Nang sabihin ni Ms. Lubrica na ako ang tama ay may parte sa akin ang gustong magsalita pa. I really liked her as a teacher, but she was wrong this time. Nothing should be castigated. Each situation was unique, and generalizing about what to blame wouldn't work.

Pero hindi na ako nakaimik.

Well . . . not when someone so beautiful was glaring at me.

Iyon ang unang pagkakataon na nakuha ko ang buong atensyon ni Mendoza. Hindi ko alam kung bakit bahagya kong ikinatuwa iyon. It may be ridiculous of me to think so, but that was the longest time her eyes had ever been fixed on me. Kahit pa halatang nanggagalaiti siya sa akin.

Sa ganoong bagay pala siya . . . interesado? Maybe if she didn't want to get to know me, I should introduce myself in my own way? Should I do that? I don't know. After all, we were classmates. Wala naman sigurong mali roon.

"Ikaw ba ang gumamit ng laptop ko?" tanong ni Nanay sa akin.

Tumango ako. "Dinala ko kanina sa treehouse, nay. Nag-search lang. Lowbatt kasi 'yong sa 'kin."

Pinanliitan niya ako ng mata. "Hindi mo naalis ang Facebook account mo."

My heart skipped a beat at that. Ibinagsak ko ang tingin sa mga hugasin at hindi na lang siya pinansin. God, I should've been more careful!

"Amari Sloane Mendoza? Sino 'yon?"

"Kaklase lang, nay." I made sure that I didn't sound very nervous.

"Ba't nasa recent search mo?" pangungusisa niya pa.

Hindi na ako sumagot. Naramdaman ko naman ang pagtabi niya sa akin kaya alam kong kailangan ko ring umamin agad. Hindi naman kasi niya ako titigilan kung hindi.

"Tiningnan ko. Maganda siya. Nililigawan mo?"

Kinuha ko ang basahan at pinunasan ang lababo.

"Magkaklase lang kami, nay," giit ko.

"Binata ka na talaga . . ." Humalakhak siya. "Gwapong-gwapo ang anak ko, eh. Walang tatangging babae sa 'yo."

Napasimangot ako. Ang galing mang-asar. Paano ay alam niyang hindi naman ako gaganti sa kanya.

"Basta't hindi mo pababayaan ang pag-aaral mo, ayos lang sa akin ang magka-girlfriend ka. Nasa tamang edad ka na rin naman . . . at hindi na tayo hirap na hirap. Kung kaya mong balansehin, susuportahan kita, Leon."

In spite of my rational mind's objections, I just quietly nodded. Ayoko. Hindi dapat si . . . Mendoza. Kung papasok man ako sa relasyon ngayon, hindi puwedeng siya ang gustuhin ko. She hated my guts. Mahihirapan akong ligawan siya. Baka under-in pa 'ko no'n.

"At tigil-tigilan mo na ang pagyoyosi mo, ha! Amoy sigarilyo na naman ang uniform mo kahapon!"

Nanay was the first person to know that I was interested in her. Mendoza had a pretty name, but we weren't close enough for me to feel comfortable calling her that. Amari Sloane.

"Kuya, pinapatawag ang magulang sa guidance . . ."

Isang umaga habang naghahanda papasok ay sinabi iyon sa akin ni Nathaniel. Sa tabi niya ay si Nash na mukhang kinakabahan.

"Bakit?"

Nagkatinginan ang dalawa.

"Nakipagsuntukan si Nathaniel, kuya."

"What?" gulat na tanong ko. Napatigil pa ako sa paglalagay ng mga librong dadalhin sa bag ko dahil doon.

"Si Nash ang may kaaway, kuya. Sumali lang ako kasi sinabi niyang tindera si nanay. Nanlait . . ."

"Eh, iyakin pala." Tumawa si Nash. "Hilig mambully. Takot naman palang masapak."

I was so stressed out that morning. Hindi ko magawang pagsabihan ang kambal dahil nakakapagod lang silang suwayin. Mga hindi rin naman kasi sumusunod. Kahit nga sa mga gawaing-bahay, kapag nautusan ay hindi rin sila kumikilos. Sayang lang ang oras kung pagagalitan ko sila.

They got suspended for two weeks. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sasabihin iyon kay Nanay. She already had a lot to worry about. Hindi niya na dapat problema ito.

I was lost in my own thoughts when I saw Mendoza riding the jeep I was in. Lumampas siya sa akin at parang mahikang nawala ang isipin ko nang maamoy ang buhok niya . . . lalo pa't tumabi siya sa akin.

I was nervous. For no reason at all. Hindi niya yata napansing nandito rin ako.

She smelled like fresh vanilla . . . and how could someone look so pretty in the morning? Habang ako ay baka amoy pawis na dahil galing pa ako sa school ng kambal.

I forced down a gulp of air as my attention kept coming back to her. Ni hindi ako makapag-iwas ng tingin.

Maganda ang hubog ng panga niya at kitang-kita iyon dahil nakataas ang buhok niya. Her sleek neck was on display, and it made a really attractive sight. Bagay na bagay rin sa kanya ang lipstick niya. Now I couldn't help but wonder what her lips would look like without it.

Napamura ako sa sariling takbo ng isip. Fuck, I really couldn't like her. She was bad for me. Hindi ako kalmado kapag nasa paligid siya.

But when our gazes locked, I felt like my heart was stirring against my chest. May kinang sa mga mata niya, ngunit nang maaninag ang mukha ko ay agad na nawala iyon.

Napataas naman ang kilay ko sa napansin. Her perfectly curled lashes suited her almond-shaped eyes, and a fringe of baby hair had framed her forehead nicely.

She turned her gaze away, and I had to pause for a moment to collect my thoughts.

Tangina.

Walang duda.

Maganda talaga siya.

Buong byahe yata ay pigil ko ang paghinga ko. I was so conscious that I don't think I would have been able to carry on a conversation with her. Siguradong matutulala lang ako sa kanya. Nakakainis. I should concentrate more on the important things. Hindi 'yong ganitong siya ang laman ng isip ko.

Hindi nga ako nagkamali na hindi ko kayang tumagal makipag-usap sa kanya dahil nang hiramin niya ang libro ko ay kung ano-ano lang nasabi ko. I was kind of harsh, I think. Hindi niya naman kasi dapat ako nilalapitan. Baka gawin ko lang ang gusto kong gawin simula noong una ko siyang makita.

Baka ligawan ko lang siya.

"Nice taste, Leon . . ." pang-aasar ng mga kaibigan ko sa akin.

Umiling ako.

"Nako, mukhang hindi kayo compatible," tawanan pa nila. "Same charges repel, ika nga."

It was embarrassing. I knew Mendoza was still watching us. She didn't like me . . . she should understand that I wasn't into her either. Baka lalo niya lang akong sungitan.

"She's not even my type."

Hanggang paglabas namin ng school ay inaasar pa rin nila ako pero hindi ko na lang sila pinansin. Thaddeus was asking me about Shaira, one of my classmates and one of Mendoza's friends. Mukhang tipo niya yata ang babae. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Ang ingay-ingay noon.

"Pinakamaganda si Shaira sa buong department," sabi pa nito.

Kumunot agad ang noo ko. What the fuck was he saying?

"You're nuts."

Tumawa siya. "Totoo naman! Magkaroon lang ng pagkakataon ay liligawan ko 'yon."

Umiling lang ako. I couldn't accept what he said.

"Ikaw dapat ang nagsasalamin," saad ko. "Mendoza is the prettiest in the whole school."

"Mendoza? 'Yong kaklase n'yo?"

"Sino pa?" I scoffed.

Nagkibit-balikat siya. "Shaira pa rin."

I like women with a strong personality. One who could stand up on her own and be the hero of her life.

Marahan akong napailing sa sariling naiisip. Come on, Leon. Don't lie to yourself. Wala ka naman talagang hinahanap na ugali ng isang babae. You just made that up in your head because you wanted it to be about the girl you had a huge crush on.

"Maganda naman talaga si Mendoza. Mukhang nakakatakot lang siyang maging girlfriend. Definitely not the girl for me," dagdag pa ni Thaddeus, bahagyang umiiling.

Sarkastiko akong napatawa. "Mabuti naman."

Gulat siyang napatingin sa akin. It was as if a realization had finally clicked in his head.

"Tangina mo! Sabi mo hindi mo type!"

I just let it pass. Wala akong ginawa sa pagkagusto ko kay Mendoza. I had decided to content myself with just admiring her and secretly praising her achievements whenever our instructors boasted about them in front of the class. She deserved that. Napakasipag niyang mag-aral. Madalas siyang laman ng library at sa lahat ng bagay, hindi siya pumapayag na hindi niya maibigay ang lahat niya.

"Bakit ka nakangiti?"

Agad akong napatingin sa pintuan ng kwarto naming magkakapatid nang makita roon si Nanay. Kauuwi ko lang galing klase at saglit akong nagpapahinga bago tumao sa palengke.

I was reading . . . and I didn't even realize I was already smiling.

"May convention kami sa Davao, nay."

Isinarado ko ang libro para ibigay sa kanya ang buong atensyon. Tuwing makikita niya kasi ako sa bahay ay hindi siya nakakalimot na mangumusta. Nangyari lang talagang nahuli niyang nakangiti ako.

Nakita ko ang pagsimangot niya. "Davao? Ang layo naman."

Marahan akong napatawa. "School naman ang magbabayad ng expenses. Ilalaban daw kasi kami sa quiz bee."

Dahan-dahang umawang ang labi niya. She beamed and eventually walked into the room. Nakadapa ako sa kama kaya umupo siya sa gilid ko. She then gently kissed the side of my head.

"Ang galing naman ng Leon ko . . ." malambing na aniya.

Nag-init ang puso ko roon. "Wala pa naman, nay. Baka talo ako ro'n. Maraming magagaling."

"Kahit na, 'no! 'Yong kinuha ka palang ng school, ibig sabihin, magaling ka!" There was a tone of pride in her voice. "Kailan ba 'yan?

"Matagal-tagal pa. Magre-review pa kami, eh . . ."

Kinuha ko ang kamay niya at minasahe iyon. It was calloused and wrinkled. Bunga ng walang tigil na pagtatrabaho at pagtataguyod niya sa aming magkakapatid.

"Sino-sino namang kasama mo?"

Itinutok ko lalo ang tingin sa kamay niya. "Mga teacher, nay."

"Walang ibang kaklase? Ikaw lang?"

Bahagya akong natulala nang maalala ang mukha ng makakasama kong kaklase sa Davao.

"Si . . . Mendoza," dahan-dahang saad ko. "Matalino 'yon, eh."

Nagbuntong-hininga ako nang marinig ang pagtawa niya. Simula kasi nang makita niyang sinearch ko si Mendoza sa Facebook ay hindi niya na ako tinigilan sa pang-aasar doon. Ngayong makakasama ko pa ang babae sa convention ay siguradong hindi titigil si Nanay sa pang-aalaska.

"Kaya ka naman pala nakangiti!" aniya pa.

Naghanda na lang ako sa pagtao sa palengke para iwasan ang panunusko niya. Tuwang-tuwa naman ang kambal nang makita ako. Hindi ko pa man pinapayagan ay tumakbo na sila paalis ng tindahan para pumunta sa basketball court.

Hindi gaya nitong mga nagdaang taon, maraming nagbago sa buhay namin. We managed to rent a retail space at a nearby market and purchase a small farm. Minsan ay pumupunta rin kami sa Benguet dahil doon mura ang gulay. Mag-aangkat lang kami mula roon at ibebenta namin nang mas mahal pagdating sa syudad.

I was at the treehouse that day when I received a chat that I didn't know would make my day even better.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Thank you.

Halos matulala ako sa screen ng cellphone ko nang makita ko iyon. I felt like I was just seeing things. Hindi kami friends sa Facebook dahil hindi ko naman siya para i-add . . . at ganoon din siya sa akin.

We were competitors, at least in her eyes. Sa mga nakalipas na buwan, tuwing tatawagin ako para mag-recite ay magtataas siya ng kamay para maliin ang sagot ko o para mas pagandahin ito. Pansin ko rin ang pagsimangot niya kapag ini-a-announce na mas mataas ang score ko sa kanya.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: You're still sad about it?

In the quiz bee earlier that day, I saw her getting really upset when she thought she lost. She might think no one would notice it, but having watched her since the day she walked into our room, I knew that the smile she'd given anyone was fake. Kaunti na lang ay halatang maiiyak na siya.

Matalino si Mendoza. Hindi naman siya magiging gold medalist at top 1 ng buong BS Psychology kung hindi. Bukod pa roon ay masipag din siya. If I didn't feel so bad about saying it, I'd claim that she was like my girl version. We were really into the same things. Same interests. And if I were to date her, I assumed we'd have fun.

Hindi ako nakatulog sa kaunting palitan namin ng chat. She still didn't add me as a Facebook friend and I did the same. Ayoko lang isipin niyang may balak akong makipaglapit sa kanya . . . kahit pa alam kong 'yon naman ang totoo.

But then, when I saw her enter the bookstore I was in, I just found myself surrendering to my internal monologue and letting my emotions rule me.

I made a move on her. Subtly. Kaunting pagpapahalata lang na interesado ako sa kanya. Ewan ko ba. Hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili lalo at matagal-tagal ko siyang hindi nakita dahil sa sembreak.

"What the hell do you want from me, Zamora?"

She exuded such divine beauty that I couldn't help but be fascinated with her even when she was furious with me. Binibigyan ko na nga siya ng voucher, siya pa ang galit. I didn't really get it, but a part of me was happy because I could talk to her . . . nang kaming dalawa lang.

"Add me on Facebook," I said.

Her almond-shaped eyes widened a fraction. Ang pulang labi ay bahagya ring umawang. I had to try my best not to gaze at it too much.

"Huh?!"

Gusto kong mapangiti. She was really annoyed.

"What? Your little pride can't take it?"

Pinanood ko ang pagbabago ng ekspresyon niya nang sabihin ko iyon. From being completely irrational to coming to some realizations . . . to finally radiating a smile so warm it made my heart throb.

Fuck, Leon. You were so damned.

I'd always considered myself a keen observer, but when it came to her, I paid twice as much attention. Pansin ko ang lahat sa kanya. Kapag bago ang ballpen niya, kapag may bagong libro, kapag puyat, o kapag maganda ang gising. I looked forward to each day of school because I knew I would see her again.

Ano kayang magiging ayos niya? Nakataas ba ang buhok o nakalugay? Would she wear minimal makeup or go for a natural look? I was excited by all of that.

Simula rin noong maging friends kami sa Facebook ay lagi kong tinitingnan kung online ba siya o hindi. I would go at the treehouse just to check. Kapag hanggang madaling-araw ay online pa siya, doon ako sa treehouse natutulog. Hindi ko naman siya china-chat. Nakakahiya kasi. Baka isipin niya ay papansin ako.

Still, I tried to find ways to chat with her. Nagboluntaryo akong mag-send ng lecture points sa kanya kahit na alam kong hindi niya naman iyon kailangan. Her little "thanks" was enough to make my day . . . lalo pa at sabay kaming umaalis sa bahay ni Ms. Lubrica tuwing matatapos ang review.

I was okay with our set-up. Ayaw niya sa 'kin pero gusto ko siya. She wouldn't think I was hitting on her because she hated me. Ayos lang sa 'kin 'yon. Basta nakakausap ko siya at hindi niya ako tuluyang itinataboy.

I thought everything that would happen in Davao would somehow improve our relationship. She cried to me, and I swore to myself that day that I would protect her no matter what.

"Sorry. Napuwing lang."

At that moment, I realized that behind this strong-looking woman was a child longing to be saved . . . waiting to be made whole again . . . wanting to be held. I realized that, after all this time, her hostility was just a mask for the sorrow and weight she was trying so hard to conceal.

Hindi pinatagal ng mundo ang pag-aasam kong mas makilala pa siya. It wasn't my intention, but I overheard her and her father talking. Alam kong sikreto iyon, ngunit hindi ko nagustuhan ang sinabi nito sa kanya. It made her really sad. The dark gloom that was etched into her eyes was a solid proof of that.

"Nagyoyosi ka pala . . ." she told me.

She avoided the topic. I would respect that. Ni hindi ko nga dapat iyon narinig.

"Yeah . . . kapag may iniisip," sagot ko. "Why?"

May maliit na parte sa akin ang kinabahan dahil baka itanong niya kung ano ang naiisip ko.

I mean, I was just thinking about her. Sinabi kasi niyang lumaki siya sa ampunan. I didn't know why, but it made me even more worried about her. Kahit pa may mga kaibigan naman siya ay hindi ko maiwasang gustuhing alagaan siya. Though my upbringing was far from ideal, I always felt the love of my mother. Gusto kong iparanas sa kanya 'yon. It might not be the love she was looking for, but I wanted to give her all the love she could ask for.

'Yong pagmamahal na hindi niya na kakailanganin ang papuri ng iba. 'Yong pagmamahal na kayang patahimikin ang ingay sa utak niya. 'Yong pagmamahal na kayang ipaalala sa kanya araw-araw na hindi siya mag-isa.

Nakita ko ang bahagyang pagnguso niya. Napakurap tuloy ako at agad na napatigil sa pag-iisip. Why was she pouting? She didn't like men who smoke?

"You hate it?" I asked.

She chuckled, and I was once again enthralled. I didn't even know a chuckle could sound that beautiful.

"Bakit? Kapag sinabi ko bang oo, ititigil mo?"

I muttered a lot of curses in my head. Cigarettes had become my go-to stress reliever. Kung hindi niya gusto . . .

"That's hard."

"See?"

I sighed. Bahala na.

"But I will."

Wala pa man ay rinig ko na ang suway sa akin ni Nanay. She told me a million times to quit smoking, and I didn't quite listen to her. Tapos kay Mendoza . . . isang sabi lang, parang kaya ko agad sundin. She had really cast a spell on me. Ever since I laid my eyes upon her, alam na alam kong kaya niya akong kontrolin.

During the quiz bee, I got a glimpse of how smart she could be. She had a laser-like focus on her goals . . . which was a big reason why I liked her. Diretso ang tingin niya sa hinaharap. She planned out her steps to success and meticulously fulfilled them.

"Last question, hopefully . . . ito 'yong paniniwala natin na mahal lang tayo ng iba kapag may nakukuha sila sa 'tin at mahalaga lang tayo kapag naibibigay natin 'yong gusto nila. We believe that our parents will adore us if we get good grades. They will look after us, but only if we can be something of a trophy for them. They'll acknowledge us, but only if we continue to behave like good dogs and do everything they say."

Nang itanong iyon ng host ay napatingin ako kay Mendoza. She looked sad and confused as she wrote down her answer.

I knew the answer. I really do. Alam kong inilagay ko iyon sa notepad ko.

But I had no idea what was wrong with me because I couldn't remember it.

Ang tanging nasa utak ko ay ang tanong at kung paanong nagsakto iyon sa pinagdadaanan niya. That must have been why she looked sad. She remembered her father.

I hated it. I hated the sight of her gloomy eyes. It made me forget everything. I just wanted to go over to her and sit next to her. Gusto kong malaman niya na may ibang tao na bilib sa abilidad niya . . . na handang maghintay hanggang sa maniwala rin siya sa sarili niya.

Hindi ko namalayan ang oras. Nang ipataas sa amin ang white board ay wala akong naging sagot.

As soon as I saw her beam with pride as she accepted the medal for which she had worked so hard, I realized that I was the one who won.

Sa kanya ang medalya at pagkilala, sa akin naman ang magandang ngiti niya.

At that very instance, I realized that my feelings for her had gone above and beyond my expectations. Hindi ko na lang siya gusto. Hindi na lang ito dahil nagagandahan ako sa kanya o dahil bumibilib ako sa abilidad na mayroon siya.

I was in love with her.

Hindi ko na para lokohin ang sarili. She had me in the palm of her hand. She had total control over me. I didn't even know when it started. Basta ang alam ko, hindi ito simpleng paghanga na lang.

I found it funny. Hindi kami madalas mag-usap, pero ganito na ang nararamdaman ko sa kanya. I wondered if my attraction to her was superficial, but I was sure that it went deeper than her looks.

Amari was perfect for me. My specific type. My ideal girl.

She was unstoppable once she set her mind to something . . . and that was beautiful. To know what you like. To not give up on it. To continue to improve yourself.

I wanted her to know how I felt about her. Ramdam kong umaayos na ang relasyon namin. She was casually talking to me, and she even nodded cutely when I once asked her if she liked more rice. Alam kong napakaliit na bagay lang noon . . . pero wala naman sigurong masama kung sasabihin kong gusto kong manligaw, 'di ba?

I prepared myself. Lumayo pa ako kina Zoey at Ms. Lubrica para kalmahin ang sarili. I stood in front of the sea, asking the heavens for guidance.

That was until I felt something hit my back.

"Alam mo 'yong sagot, 'di ba?!"

It was Amari. She looked furious . . . and it wasn't the same type of fury she had given me before. Mas madilim ang mga mata niya. Puno ng poot at pag-aakusa.

Dahan-dahan kong dinampot ang notepad ko, bahagyang nanginginig ang kamay.

"Kung alam ko, dapat sinulat ko . . ." sagot ko sa kanya.

She didn't buy it. Halos manghina ako nang makita ang pagkislap ng luha sa mga mata niya.

No, no. She was so upset with me that she would cry. What would I do? Hindi ko naman talaga sinadyang matalo.

"Alam mo 'yong sagot, Leon!" she shouted.

Leon.

She finally addressed me by my first name, but she was enraged. It didn't sound beautiful. Ayoko ng tunog.

I was at a loss for words. Gusto kong magmakaawa sa kanya para lang maniwala siya sa akin.

"Hindi nga . . ." was all I could say.

A tear escaped her eye, making me lose all the hope I had kept in my heart.

"Putangina, alam mo 'yong sagot!"

I didn't know what to do. My Amari was crying because of me. Parang hindi ko kayang panoorin.

I tried to calm her but to no avail. Galit na galit siya sa akin. My desire to confess my feelings to her had vanished into thin air.

"Why, Leon?! Do you like me?!"

Gustong-gusto kong umoo. I liked her ever since I first heard her voice. I liked her ever since she walked into our room. I liked her ever since she started reciting notably in class. I liked everything about her. Kahit ang pagsusungit niya sa akin ay hinahanap-hanap ko.

But I knew deep down that I couldn't tell her about my love for her when she was this mad. Sa oras na umamin ako sa kanya, maiisip niyang sinadya kong magpatalo para sa kanya. I wanted to be furious with whoever had put her in this mindset. Matalino siya . . . bakit ba wala siyang bilib sa sarili niya na kaya niyang manalo laban sa akin?

"I have no feelings for you."

That lie pained me. Wala na. Hindi na ako makakaamin sa kanya. Kailangan ko na ngayong itago ang nararamdaman ko. The little budding friendship I had thought would blossom into something more lasting had ended.

"You can calm down now. Walang dahilan para pagbigyan kitang manalo kasi hindi kita gusto."

When she turned her back on me, I felt like she had taken a piece of my heart with her.

Natapos na kami bago pa man kami makapagsimula.

"Leon, ito raw 'yong libro mo sabi ni Mari . . ." saad ni Zoey sa akin nang ilapag niya sa harap ko ang DSM-5-TR.

I lost track of the days, but I knew for sure that Amari had decided to cut ties with me . . . even if there were no ties, to begin with.

Posible pala 'yon. Posible palang ma-miss mo ang isang taong hindi naman naging sa 'yo. Kung noon ay galit siya sa akin, ngayon ay para na lang akong hangin sa kanya.

I tried to chat with her several times, but my messages never got through. Ni hindi manlang nagde-deliver. Alam kong wala na akong pag-asa. Ayaw na talaga sa akin ni Amari.

"Blocked ka siguro," sabi ni Thaddeus nang tanungin ko siya tungkol doon.

Lalo akong nanlumo. It was really over, wasn't it? What would I do with all these feelings now? Ang hirap-hirap panoorin siyang walang pakialam sa akin. I hated it. I hated the thought that I never had the chance to prove myself to her.

Gusto ko si Amari. Gustong-gusto ko si Amari. Pero ano'ng gagawin ko kung ayaw niya?

Gagawin ko ang lahat para lang bumalik ang kahit katiting na atensyon niya sa akin. May it be a roll of her eyes or a hard look whenever I recite in class . . . basta kaunting emosyon lang. Ayoko nang ganitong wala lang ako sa kanya.

Maria Psyche Alvarado: Hi, Leon. Are you free to chat?

Napakunot ang noo ko roon. It was so random. Nakilala ko lang si Psyche dahil anak siya ng may-ari na ngayon ng lupain ni Nanay. Her father was the one my father got indebted to.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Yeah, why?

Maria Psyche Alvarado: Heard you do all kinds of work.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Be direct. I have tons of duties at hand.

Maria Psyche Alvarado: Hahaha. Sungit.

Sineen ko na lang siya. I had no time for her.

Maria Psyche Alvarado: I have an offer.

I sighed heavily. Ano bang gusto niya?

Leon Ysmael Zamora: What offer?

Medyo natagalan siya bago nag-reply.

Maria Psyche Alvarado: I'll transfer to your university because that's where my fiancé was studying. I need you to act like you're my boyfriend.

I had to move my glasses to see if I wasn't imagining things. Ano ang nasa utak niya at iniisip niyang papayag ako sa kalokohan niya? To hell I care about her and her fiancé.

Maria Psyche Alvarado: Before you turn me down, you should know that the price I could offer you was exactly what you've wanted since you were a kid.

Maria Psyche Alvarado: Your mother's property.

Doon niya nakuha ang atensyon ko. Nanay wanted that land not only because it could give her more sources of revenue, but also because her father had given it to her!

Pero . . . paano si Amari? Kapag nalaman niyang may relasyon kami ni Psyche . . . ano'ng iisipin niya?

I closed my eyes and thought about it thoroughly. Matutuwa si Nanay kapag nailipat sa kanya ang pangalan ng lupa. Kung magkakataon, hindi niya na rin kailangang araw-araw na tumao sa palengke dahil puwede na siyang magtayo ng sarili niyang plantasyon. Mas malaki kasi iyon sa lupang tinitirikan ng treehouse.

Bahala na. Sigurado namang walang pakialam si Amari dahil hindi niya ako gusto. Bakit ko ba iniisip na magseselos siya?

Leon Ysmael Zamora: When are you planning to transfer?

Sinubukan kong i-chat si Amari tungkol doon pero hindi siya nag-reply. I just wanted to let her know what was going on . . . kahit pa hindi iyon puwede sa kontrata namin ni Psyche.

Needless to say, I accepted her offer. I held her hand in public, letting everyone know about our fake relationship. Ayaw niya sa pakakasalan niya dahil hindi niya naman daw ito personal na kilala. She told me in no uncertain terms how much she hated her mother's plan to marry her off.

Ayokong makikita kami ni Amari pero hindi naman malaki ang mundong ginagalawan namin. Kahit na kasi alam kong hindi naman siya magseselos, may parte pa rin sa akin ang gustong ipakita sa kanya na siya pa rin ang mahal ko.

I missed her so much. I missed her smiles and pouts. I missed her being near me.

Marami ang nagkakagusto sa kanya . . . at harap-harapan kong nakita 'yon nang pumasok ako sa club kung saan ginanap ang birthday ni Maricar.

My girl was inside a club, talking to a man in front of her, looking as beautiful as ever.

Paolo was very lucky. Sana ganoon na lang din ang pang-aasar sa akin ng mga kaklase namin. Sana maipakita ko rin sa kanya ang nararamdaman ko. Hindi 'yong ganitong ako lang ang nakakaalam kung gaano kalalim ang pagkahumaling ko sa kanya.

I ended up not entering the club. Hindi kaya ng mata ko. I was jealous . . . pained. Gusto kong magkapalit kami ng posisyon ni Paolo. Gusto kong malaman din ng lahat na gusto ko si Amari. Gusto kong sa akin siya asarin. I liked her first! I knew a lot about her that no one else did! Alam ko kapag mababaw ang tulog niya. Alam ko kapag hindi niya gusto ang menu sa canteen. Alam ko kapag may hindi siya naiintidihan sa discussion.

It was so unfair. Ako dapat 'yon. Ako dapat ang kausap niya. Ako dapat ang tinutukso nila. Why did Paolo manage to take the short cut? Why was he in my place?

And if it wasn't enough torture, they went outside the club together while I was smoking in the alley.

They talked casually. Walang sigawan o palitan ng asaran. They had a conversation that Amari and I never had the chance to have.

"That must be Paolo," I told her when Paolo left to buy her coffee.

It was so irresponsible of him. Madilim na at hindi niya dapat iniwang mag-isa rito si Amari.

"Stop your habit of eavesdropping. Hindi magandang tingnan," iritableng saad niya.

That was the first time we'd spoken since the summer convention, and I missed her so much that I could stare at her for hours.

"Galit ka pa rin sa 'kin?" tanong ko.

I was hoping she'd say yes. Para kahit papaano, alam kong may pakialam pa rin siya sa 'kin. I'd rather have her angry at me than treat me as if I didn't exist.

"Pa rin?" She chuckled, breaking my heart even more. "When did I get mad?"

Looking at her made the void between us feel deeper. Miss na miss ko na siya. Kahit ayaw niya sa 'kin at kahit minsan ay puno ng pandidiri ang mukha niya kapag malapit ako . . . miss na miss ko na siya.

We didn't have much to remember. Wala akong masyadong babaunin. She became my motivation to go to school every day. Siguro ay mababaw para sa kanya ang kaunting araw na ginugol namin nang magkasama . . . pero para sa 'kin, wala iyong katumbas na saya.

I got to know her better. I got to serve her. I got to see her up close.

"Ahh . . . 'yong sa Davao ba?" she asked, putting a halt to my thoughts. "Wala na 'yon! Maybe you're right. I won because I did my best."

A searing pain rushed through my chest. Wala na 'yon? My happiest days meant nothing to her? Wow. That . . . hurt.

But then again, I was always her slave.

"Do you plan . . ." I stalled.

"Hmm?"

I could hear the sound of my heart breaking even before hearing her answer.

"To entertain him?"

"Si Paolo?"

Hindi ako sumagot. I listened to how her voice sounded when she called him by his first name and compared it to how she called me by mine. Mas may lambing ang kay Paolo. Mas masarap sa tainga.

"Baka," sagot niya. "Ang tagal ko na ring single, eh. I miss going on dates. Kaya kung may date ideas ka d'yan, just tell me."

Bigong-bigo ako nang pumasok sa loob ng club. Inihatid ko lang ng tingin si Amari hanggang dahil susundan niya raw si Paolo sa convenience store.

I remember doing a lot of shit that night. Hindi ko alam kung bakit naniwala siyang sumunod kami nina Thaddeus at Shaira sa kanila para bumili ng alak. It was a club, for heaven's sake. Wala lang talaga akong naisip na rason.

Amari congratulated me on my relationship. I hate her . . . I really hate her. Kaya niya akong saktan nang ganoon kadali. Totoo ngang kapag nagmahal ka, binibibigyan mo rin ang taong 'yon ng pagkakataon para durugin ka.

And Amari had that over me. I could tell she wanted closure because the tension between us was overwhelming . . . but I didn't! Hindi niya dapat tuldukan na lang lahat ng 'to. I knew that our chances of being together were already over, but a small part of me was still holding on. I love her. I'm still so in love with her. Hindi ko pa siya kayang bitawan.

"Mas gusto kong galit ka . . ." I admitted. "Just stay mad for a little while, hmm?"

"Ano ba?!" she dismissed.

I shivered at the coldness of her voice. Ang layo-layo na nang hahabulin ko sa 'yo, Amari.

"Keep glaring at me, keep murdering me in your head, keep wishing the worst for me." Please don't forget about me and the littlest memories we shared. "Hold on tightly. I'm coming to get something, too."

Matapos lang ang kontrata ko kay Psyche, maglalakas loob akong ligawan siya. It didn't matter if she rejected me. Basta malaman niya lang ang nararamdaman ko. I couldn't stand seeing her with another guy. I might transfer schools if she starts dating Paolo Ramos.

Kinulit ko siya sa chat ko . . . lalo at naalis na yata ako sa blocked list niya. It was enough for me. At least, may paraan para kausapin ko siya. Her replies to my chats were painful, but more bearable than not talking to her at all.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: You never listen, do you? Ipapaalala ko lang sa 'yo na hindi porke't magkaibigan tayo sa Facebook ay magkaibigan na tayo sa totoong buhay. Instead of fretting about me, you should set your sights on your fiancé and get the hell away from me. And please know your fucking place in my life! Sino ka ba sa akala mo?

I was taken aback when I received that. Every word hit my heart. She really knew how to hurt me. Hindi nga ako nagkamali. Hindi talaga siya ang tipo ko sa babae dahil alam kong kayang-kaya niya akong patayin sa sakit.

And what . . . fiancé? Since when did I have a fiancé?

"Who told you I have a fiancé?" tanong ko kay Amari nang makaalis lahat ng tao sa room.

"Does it matter?" masungit na sagot niya.

"Is it Psyche?"

Pabalang siyang tumawa. "Bakit ba natin pinag-uusapan 'to? I'm here for the written—"

"Is it Psyche?" mas madiing tanong ko.

I looked at her, rage rising in my chest.

"Hindi ko naman ipagkakalat!" Huh, like it mattered. "B-Bakit sa akin ka nagagalit?"

I stood up and marched toward her.

"A-Ano?!" she yelled.

"Did Psyche tell you that lie?" I asked, letting my eyes wander around her face.

Galit na galit ako. Hindi ko alam kung kanino. I was only a few inches away from her, and the fact that she looked so beautiful even when she was shocked was so calming.

Umawang ang mapupulang labi niya at namilog ang mga mata.

Yes, baby. I didn't have a fiancé. If I were to marry someone, it would be you.

I ended up telling her the nature of my relationship with Psyche. It was against the contract, but I couldn't give her the assurance that I liked her when she thought I was engaged! At bakit nagpapakalat nang ganoon si Psyche?! She knew I liked Amari! She asked me about it because she caught me staring at her so many times when we were together!

"Labas na ako sa kung ano'ng meron sa inyo. You can make it real for all I care!"

Ayan ang sinabi niya matapos kong ipunin ang lakas ng loob para umamin sa kanya.

"There's someone I really like at the moment, so I don't think I can do that."

Please, baby. Take a hint. It's you. It's always been you.

"Save it. Wala sabi akong pake!"

"I didn't confess because I was afraid she'd think I'd just paved the path for her every time she would win against me." I felt hopeless. "Ganoon kababa ang tingin niya sa sarili niya. Na pinagbibigyan lang siya kapag nananalo siya."

"Are you done? Can we proceed to what we need to do now?"

She was cold . . . indifferent. Hindi ko kayang tagalan.

"Don't worry, I've taken a hint now, and I already know my fucking place." I should be fine with what she can offer. "I'm only a rival to you, and I need to stay there because that's the only way I can be a part of your life."

It was an indirect confession. Hindi ko alam kung tama bang minahal ko siya dahil hindi naman dapat ganito kasakit ang umpisa. I should have listened to my head, not my heart. Hindi siguro dapat ako nagpadala sa kagustuhan kong makilala siya. Kasi ngayong lunod na ako sa nararamdaman ko sa kanya, parang imposible nang makaahon pa ako.

"Alangang sabihin kong hindi ikaw ang fiancé ko? Eh, ikaw ang nakakasama ko sa school!" saad ni Psyche nang komprontahin ko siya tungkol doon. "Malay ko bang siya ang kukunin ng nanay ko na makeup artist? She literally told everyone there that I had a date with my fiancé!"

I took a few deep breaths to calm myself.

"What else did you tell her?"

She pouted . . . and I knew I was fucked.

"Psyche, what else did you tell Amari?"

Lalo siyang sumimangot. "Why do you even like her? She looks lifeless! She's masungit and very formal when speaking!"

Hindi mo kasi ka-close. I wanted to answer.

"Don't talk shit about her," I said. "I'm asking you. What else did you tell her?"

She cleared her throat. "Well, uhm . . . I invented some stuff."

Muling umahon ang inis sa loob ko. "What stuff, Maria Psyche?"

"That you proposed to me last week." She smiled awkwardly. "And that you like kissing me with red lipstick on."

Hindi ko alam kung ilang mura ang napakawalan ko nang araw na 'yon. Kung hindi lang dahil sa lupang pangako niya ay hindi ko talaga para tanggapin ang offer. We started transferring the land to Nanay's name, and I saw her shed a tear when she found out she'd get her property back.

"Leon, anak ko! Maraming salamat, anak ko!" Pinugpog niya ng halik ang mukha ko. "I love you, anak! I love you! Mahal na mahal na mahal ka ni Nanay! Pasensya na at ikaw ang nahihirapan dahil sa atin . . ."

Niyakap ko lang siya. Hindi niya alam ang tunay na dahilan kung paano ko maibabalik sa kanya ang lupain. Psyche and I pretended that I had pulled some strings and told her that no one could take the property from her because she hadn't signed it as collateral. Hindi naman na siya nagtanong ng mga detalye. She was just happy that she would get it back.

Bukod sa pagpoproseso ng lupa, alam kong may isang bagay pa akong dapat gawin.

"I like you so much, Mendoza."

Time was ticking away too slowly with all this waiting around. Ayoko nang paghintayin pa ang nararamdaman ko. Baka ito na ang tamang oras para sa 'min.

"If it isn't clear to you . . . if it isn't obvious to you . . ." dahan-dahan kong sabi. "Gustong-gusto kita."

Happiness tore at my chest. God, I was so in love with her. I wish she could see my heart.

That started everything I dreamed of ever since I saw her.

I flirted with her, and some of our classmates who were aware of my feelings for her teased us. Tuluyang nawala si Paolo Ramos sa larawan dahil hindi rin pala siya gusto ni Amari. I was over the moon. Pakiramdam ko ay wala nang makakaalis sa sayang nag-uumapaw sa puso ko.

Sa bawat araw na magkasama kami, mas nahuhulog ang loob ko sa kanya. Even the thesis writing excited me. Nadala ko siya sa bahay, sa treehouse, at naipakilala ko pa sa mga kapatid ko.

And when I first hugged her, I knew I'd spend the rest of my life loving her.

Pero hindi pa nagtatagal ay binawi na agad ng mundo ang sayang naramdaman ko.

"Ms. Mendoza is a good speaker, but, of course, we need more," Ma'am Abulencia shrugged as she told us that our thesis would have the chance to join the research congress, but only one was supposed to defend it . . . and she had chosen me.

Kinabahan ako sa takbo ng usapang 'yon. I tried to tell her that it was Amari's forte, but to no avail. Alam kong ayaw ni Amari na ikukumpara kami sa isa't isa . . . lalo pa't 'yon din ang madalas na sabihin sa kanya ni Mr. Mendoza.

"Kapag napili ang study natin, ikaw na ang mag-present. Hindi naman ako magaling do'n," sabi ko sa kanya nang makalabas kami sa faculty room.

I meant it . . . and I was so nervous she'd get mad.

Pabalang siyang tumawa. "Didn't you hear Ma'am? I don't need your pity, Zamora."

"I'm not trying to sympathize with you," I insisted. "This is for our study, and I really think you can do better than me."

"The society needs more. Hindi mo ba naintindihan? Iniisip ni Ma'am na ikaw lang ang may kaya no'n. Tingin mo ba, matapos kong harap-harapang marinig na mas magaling ka sa 'kin, kaya ko pang i-present ang punyetang thesis na 'yan?"

It was starting. My fear was starting to unravel.

"Just enjoy your victory and stop looking out for me all the time. Dahil kung ako ang nasabihang mas magaling kaysa sa 'yo, I'll wear it like a fucking medal!"

I was so offended. Ang talas niya talagang magsalita. Parang nalilimutan niyang tao rin ang kausap niya.

But still, I tried to understand her. She was pressured. Talagang sa akin niya lang naibunton ang galit dahil sa akin siya naikumpara.

I still did our routine the next day, even though that had happened, only to find her already sitting in the room and me? Marked as absent. Na-late ako dahil hinintay ko siya sa kanto ng apartment niya . . . gaya ng lagi naming ginagawa.

I was so disappointed. Ayoko nang ganitong ugali niya. Nakakainis. She was ready to kick me out for a little recognition. She could celebrate my failure. I knew she didn't actually like me. . . but that was too much.

It was wrong, and I wanted to teach her a lesson for that. Mahal ko siya pero hindi ko kayang pahuntulutan ang ganoong ugali niya.

From: My Amari

Hi. The exams are approaching. Do you want to study with me? I'll be at the library after our class. Nagdala rin ako ng lunch kung sakaling sasabay ka.

That was her first message after our dispute. Ni hindi manlang siya nag-sorry.

I gave her the silent treatment. I ignored her messages and her attempts to talk to me. Ayokong masanay siya sa ganoong ugali. She didn't even bother to send me at least an apology for acting that way.

I'd seen her effort, but I tried not to be swayed by it. Isang sorry lang ang hinihintay ko. Hindi niya pa 'yon magawa.

I got all the meals she gave to street children, and I just paid them the right amount. Kahit naman kasi nagtatampo ako sa kanya ay gusto kong ako pa rin ang kakain ng lahat ng niluluto niya.

Hindi rin nagtagal ay tumigil siya sa panunuyo sa akin. I got nervous at that. Hindi na siya lumalapit o nagte-text. Madalas ay nakikita ko pa siyang tulog na tulog sa room. Kahit may klase. It was so unlike her that I started to worry about her.

Bahala na. Gusto ko siyang lapitan . . . kumustahin. I couldn't let the wall separate the two of us. Gusto ko lang namang mabasa sa text niya ang paghingi niya ng paumanhin. Iyon lang. Hindi niya na kailangang gawin ang kahit na ano . . . basta mag-sorry lang siya.

She looked tired every day. Parang laging kulang ang tulog. Had she been eating? Why did she look so worn out?

Leon, it's time to let go of your pride. You can't just leave your girl like that.

"Gusto kita, Leon . . ." Nalaglag ang luha niya. "Gustong-gusto rin kita . . . kahit nahuli ako."

I just wanted an apology, and that's what I got.

While she was looking like a dream in her black sando, she told me how she felt about me.

Ang saya-saya ko. Pakiramdam ko ay hindi siya totoo . . . at anumang oras ay magigising din ako mula sa pagkakahimbing.

That breathtakingly beautiful Amari Sloane Mendoza I've admired ever since I laid eyes on her has now confessed her feelings for me. Parang panaginip. Parang malayo sa realidad.

We kissed each other. Behind that tall tree while everyone was having a good time. Beside those big tents while the sun was about to set. Even though the world that we lived in was nothing but chaos, I knew I had found a little corner of heaven right here on Earth.

Nagsimula ang relasyon naming dalawa. Hindi ko nga alam na posible palang lalo pa akong mahulog sa kanya. She was so goal-driven and passionate. Kapag kasama ko siya, parang kaya ko lahat. Tanggal ang pagod at mga pagdududa. Mahawakan ko lang ang kamay o makita ang ngiti sa labi niya, pakiramdam ko ay kaya kong lupigin ang mundo.

I loved her in a good way. It just came out naturally. As much as possible, I tried to meet her halfway. I wanted to find a middle ground so that things could work out.

Mahal na mahal ko siya. Natatakot akong masakal siya sa pag-ibig na mayroon ako para sa kanya.

Our relationship was unmatched. Hindi perpekto, ngunit lahat ng maliliit na bagay, basta tungkol sa kanya, ay mahalaga sa akin. I was her number-one fan. The biggest supporter of her. Sa lahat ng mga ginagawa niya, sa lahat ng mga tagumpay, gusto kong ako ang may pinakamalakas na palakpak sa umpok ng mga tao.

"Bakit hindi po Summa Cum Laude si Mendoza? Halos parehas lang naman kami ng average . . ." tanong ko kay Ms. Lubrica matapos ang announcement ng mga may Latin honors.

"She's short by 0.02. Sayang nga."

Akala ko ay magagalit sa akin si Amari dahil doon. Pabalik ng room ay kinakabahan ako.

Pero hindi pa man ako tuluyang nakakapasok sa loob ay lumabas na siya at hinigit ako sa gilid. The hallways were empty because classes were still ongoing. She looked thrilled. May kakaiba ring kinang ang mga mata niya.

"Sorr—"

She leaned forward and kissed me on both cheeks, cutting me off completely.

"I love you," malambing na bulong niya.

My heart skipped a beat.

"I'm very proud of you, my Summa Cum Laude . . ."

Minsan lang siya maglambing kaya iba ang tama sa akin kapag ganito siya. I was so happy that I could cry. Nakakatanga . . . pero walang mapaglagyan ang kasiyahan sa puso ko dahil sa kanya.

"Mahal mo talaga si Amari, 'no?" tanong ni Nanay sa akin habang nasa sala kami.

Nakaupo siya sa sofa habang nasa sahig naman ako. She was softly caressing my hair. Sa treehouse dapat ako matutulog pero naabutan ko siya sa labas na hinihintay makauwi ang kambal. I sat and waited with her. Sa isang linggo ay alis na rin namin ni Amari papunta sa Italy. Hindi ko man aminin sa kanya, alam kong mami-miss ko ang lambing at pag-aalaga niya.

"Sino'ng hindi magmamahal sa kanya, nay?" Napangiti ako nang maalala ang mukha ng kasintahan. "Pasalamat pa nga ako at pumatol siya sa akin."

Narinig ko ang pagtawa niya. "Gwapo ka, 'no! Ayan nga't kung sino-sino na sa palengke ang nagrereto ng anak nila sa 'kin. Ipakilala ko raw sa 'yo."

"Ano namang sabi mo?"

"May maganda kang girlfriend, syempre! At hindi kayo maghihiwalay hangga't nabubuhay ako!"

Kinuha ko ang kamay niya at marahang hinaplos iyon. Kahit na nasa amin ang lupain niya ay wala namang nagbago sa amin. Dahil matagal nang natengga, kailangan pa naming patambakan iyon para pumatag ang lupa. It was a major undertaking. Malaki ang magagastos at hindi puwedeng ubusin doon ang ipon namin. Gustong mag-doctor ni Nathaniel. Kailangan naming magtulong para makapasok siya sa med school.

I kissed the back of her hand and closed my eyes. Kaunti na lang, nay. Titigil ka na rin sa pagtatrabaho. Ibibigay ko ang buhay na nararapat para sa 'yo. I will make you proud . . . I promise you that.

"Alagaan mo si Amari do'n, hmm? Marami nang napagdaanan ang batang 'yon. 'Wag mo siyang bibigyan ng sama ng loob . . . at hangga't maaari, ikaw ang umintindi. Alam kong siya na ang pakakasalan mo. Magsimula na kayong mag-ipon para do'n."

"Magpapadala muna ako sa inyo, nay. 'Yon ang usapan namin. May mga padadalhan din kasi siya rito."

Hinampas niya ang balikat ko. "Kahit 'wag na! Hindi naman ako hirap na hirap, 'no!"

It was a lie. Kita ko ang mahihinang pagdaing niya minsan. Ang pagmasahe sa sariling likuran dahil sa ngalay. Ang pagtunog ng buto dahil sa pagod.

"Nay . . ."

"Hmm?"

"Alagaan mo ang sarili mo, ha?"

Hinalikan niya ang tuktok ng ulo ko. "Oo naman. 'Wag kang mag-alala sa 'kin."

"Babawi po ako sa inyo ng kambal. Pangako po 'yan . . ."

"Hindi na kailangan. Hindi na mahina at iyakin si Nanay," bulong niya. "Kailangan mong mag-invest sa future mo, Leon. Huwag mong hahayaang pagdaanan ng magiging anak mo ang mga pinagdaanan mo . . ."

Nanikip ang dibdib ko. "'Wag mong sisihin ang sarili mo dahil naging ganito ang buhay natin, nay. Masaya po akong tumulong sa inyo . . . at sa susunod na buhay natin, ipagdarasal ko pong kayo ulit ang nanay ko."

Niyakap niya ako at marahang hinalikan sa pisngi. Naramdaman ko ang luha sa mukha niya nang gawin iyon.

"Salamat, anak ko. Ikaw ang pinakamalaking biyayang natanggap ko mula sa Diyos. Tatandaan mo lagi 'yan."

Unang mga buwan namin ni Amari sa Italy ay inulan na agad kami ng mga pagsubok. She turned cold again. It was like her ghosts had come back to life. Ayaw niyang ikinukumpara kami . . . at ganoon din naman ako. Hindi niya ako kalaban. At sa lahat ng pagkakataon, sa kanya lang ako kakampi.

We had gotten into a huge fight because I couldn't take her attitude again. Sa akin niya na naman ibinubunton ang inis . . . ang galit. Nalaman kasi niyang may offer sa akin ang PAI at gusto niyang tanggapin ko iyon.

How could I take that offer while our relationship was in shambles? Kapag lumayo ako sa kanya, baka hindi magtagal ay makipaghiwalay rin siya sa akin.

"Yes! Because I don't always need help, Leon!" she shouted at me. "Magaling ka na, eh! Hayaan mo na lang ako! Kailangan bang lagi kitang pagsabihan at ilingan para hindi ka makisabat kapag may nagagalit sa 'kin?"

Ramdam ko ang panunuot ng sakit sa dibdib ko. My baby's demons were rising from the dead. And at that moment, I knew I didn't have the strength to face them again.

"You always make me feel small and weak! You always make me feel like I need your help! Hihingi ako ng tulong kung gusto ko! Bakit ba hindi mo maintindihan 'yon?! Tapos ngayon, ano'ng rason mo kung bakit hindi mo tinanggap 'yong offer?! Ako?! Kasi hindi mo ako maiwan?! Langya naman, Leon!"

Umiling ako. Was I wrong for wanting to protect her? Nasasakal na ba siya sa pagmamahal at pag-aalaga ko?

"I'm not a jail, Leon, and you're not my prisoner. Kung makukulong ka lang sa pagmamahal mo sa 'kin, kung matatakot kang lumayo dahil lang iniisip mo 'ko . . . tigilan na lang natin 'to."

That was my last piece.

"Don't you dare say that, Amari!" I shouted. "I'm trying to stay sane even if I feel like you don't want me anymore! I'm trying to be as patient as possible until you smile at me again when I accomplish something!"

I'm sorry, nay. I can't be the bigger person now.

Takot akong maging magaling kapag nasa paligid siya. She had so many insecurities, and I was one of them. Hindi dapat ganoon. Ako dapat ang mag-aalis ng inggit niya . . . hindi ang maging ugat ng lahat ng 'yon.

I held back my tears. Mahal ko siya, pero ngayon, gusto ko munang magpahinga.

But the world was too cruel to let me rest.

"Leon, anak, nahulihan ng drugs ang kambal . . ."

It was one of the lowest points in my life. Naisip ko agad si Nanay na mag-isang hinaharap doon ang lahat, ang mga kapatid ko na sira na ang kinabukasan at ang mga tao sa paligid nila na siguradong sila ang laman ng usapan.

Everything fell apart . . . and it was too hard for me to manage them. Halos buong sweldo ko ay ipinapadala ko sa kanila. Nagbayad din kami ng abogado kahit na umamin naman ang kambal sa akin na totoong sinubukan nilang mag-droga. Hindi ako makakain sa labis na pag-aalala sa kanila. Tuluyang isinarado ni Nanay ang tindahan sa palengke dahil sa mga bulung-bulungan. She completely locked herself in our house, crying all day long.

Gusto kong umuwi. Kailangan ako ng pamilya ko.

I wouldn't lie, but at that time, I had totally taken my mind off Amari. I ignored her attempts to communicate with me. I felt so bad for her because I knew she didn't deserve to be treated this way, but my head was all messed up. Parang wala akong karapatang sabihing mahal ko siya dahil mas naghahari ang pangamba sa dibdib ko.

She was there for me during my lowest moments. She went alongside me, firmly holding my hand. She soothed my fears and showed her undying love for me in the process.

"Baby, I'm so sorry," I told her while she was asleep. "I'm not in my best shape now . . . pero mahal na mahal kita. Please stay with me. Hindi ko kakayanin kapag wala ka."

"Leon . . ." She grunted softly. She was dreaming.

I kissed her forehead. "I love you."

With her eyes still closed, she smiled a little.

"I love you, too. I won't give up on you."

I hugged her that night, silently thanking her for still loving me despite these hard times.

Sinubukan kong bawiin ang sarili. I shouldn't lose my focus now. Hindi puwedeng manghina ako nang tuluyan dahil may pamilya akong umaasa sa akin. Nagsimula ulit akong mag-aral at magtrabaho nang maayos. Sinubukan ko ring ayusin ang relasyon namin ni Amari.

"Leon, isinugod sa ospital si Leah! Nagkukumbulsyon at mataas ang lagnat! Hinihintay pa namin ang doctor, pero malaki ang posibilidad na may pneumonia ang nanay mo."

Hinang-hina ako roon. That was my last straw. Kailangan ko talagang umuwi. Ayoko . . . not my Nanay . . . please.

I cried for days, constantly worrying about her. Walang nagbabantay sa kanya. May sakit at mag-isa. Alam kong utang ang dadatnan ko pag-umuwi ako . . . pero wala na akong pakialam. Gusto kong samahan si Nanay hanggang sa gumaling siya. She was my strength. I couldn't lose her. Ikamamatay ko.

To Leon Zamora,

I'm writing to you to make you an offer. I found out what happened to your siblings, and I wanted to do everything I could to help you get them out of jail. I will help you financially as well. All you need to do is sign a contract and start working for my firm.

Reply to this email if you are interested.

Dr. Percy Ezekiel Mendoza

Mendoza Research Institute

No, Leon. It was your girlfriend's father. He hurt her. He was the reason why Amari had wounds to heal. Hindi ka puwedeng ma-engganyo sa proposal niya.

"Leon, malaki na ang bill ninyo sa ospital. Kailangan mong magpadala. Marami rin akong trabaho, hijo. Gusto ko mang tumulong, hindi puwedeng ako ang laging magbabantay sa nanay mo," saad sa akin ng kapitbahay namin nang mangumusta ako. "Kung hindi nag-droga ang mga kapatid mo, hindi sana mangyayari ito! Wala sana sa atin ang naabala at wala sana rito si Leah! Bakit ba naman kasi . . ."

"Pasensya na po. Inaasikaso ko na po ang pag-uwi ko."

Nakausap ko na si Amari tungkol doon at naintindihan niya naman ang rason ko. Hindi ko alam. Wala na akong ibang naiisip kung hindi si Nanay at ang kambal. I became so lost in my problems again. Hindi ko kaya kapag nasira ang pamilya ko. Kalahati ng buhay ko ay nagsumikap akong pagtagpi-tagpiin ang bawat piraso ng nawasak naming relasyon simula noong umalis si Tatay.

I worked hard to get where I am now. I sacrificed a lot so that my siblings could have a fulfilled life even without our father. I tried my hardest to help Nanay.

Hindi puwedeng ganito na lang kami. Hindi puwedeng mawala lahat ng paghihirap ko . . . ang paghihirap namin.

Hi Leon,

I'm Valeen Claire Alvarado, Psyche's mother, and I'd like for you to tutor my daughter as she is changing programs. I ran a background check on you and discovered that you had a great deal of potential. Also, I heard that your mother is currently hospitalized. Once you agree, I'll pay her bills. My daughter is equally thrilled to have you as her tutor.

Maria Psyche Alvarado: Please agree with whatever my mom would tell you. You're my safest choice. Baka kapag hindi ka pumayag ay ipipilit niya na namang kung kani-kanino ako ipa-tutor. The last time she did this, the tutor she hired sexually assaulted me. Please, Leon. Just this once.

I was so hopeless. Magagalit ang mahal ko. Hihiwalayan niya ako kapag tinanggap ko ang mga offer nila.

God . . . why is it so hard to be poor? Binuhos ko naman ang buong buhay ko sa pagtatrabaho at pagsusumikap. Bakit parang walang balik? Bakit parang hindi natatapos? I am so tired. Nagsasawa na akong maghanap ng solusyon sa mga problemang ang hirap lusutan. Nahihirapan na akong akuin ang responsibilidad na hindi naman dapat sa akin lang. Napapagod na akong ipangtapal ang sarili sa mga butas sa buhay namin.

Ano pa bang kulang ko? Hindi naman ako nagrebelde. Bata palang naman, hindi na ako nahihiyang maglako ng paninda ni Nanay kasi kailangan naming kumain. Bata palang naman, natutunan ko nang magbanat ng buto. Nag-aral ako nang mabuti. Itinaguyod ko ang pamilya namin sa paraang kaya ko. Ano pa? Ano pang dapat kong gawin para matigil lahat ng problema?

I wanted an instant solution because I was fed up with finding the answers myself.

And so, I found myself writing Mr. Mendoza and Mrs. Alvarado emails in which I accepted their offers.

I'm sorry, Amari. I'm very . . . very sorry. Your boyfriend is tired now.

I saw our breakup coming. Wala pa man, sigurado akong haharapin ko ang galit niya. I was so scared to be honest with her. Kung puwede lang ay itatago ko iyon sa kanya. Ayokong hiwalayan ako ni Amari. Ayokong iwan siya rito. Patong-patong ang utang ko sa kanya at halos mangangayayat na siya sa pag-aalaga sa akin.

Leon, what have you done to your girlfriend?

"Pati ikaw nakuha nila sa 'kin . . ."

Nabasag ang puso ko sa mahinang daing niya. It was happening. Our break-up was happening.

Lord, please. Ayoko po. Mahal na mahal ko si Amari. Bakit kailangan kong masaktan siya nang ganito?

"Tama na. Ang mahalaga, sinubukan natin."

Humikbi ako at nagmakaawa sa kanya. I know. I know I was at fault. Wala akong karapatang makasama pa siya gayong magtatrabaho ako sa mga taong nanakit sa kanya. 'Yong sinabi kong lagi ko siyang kakampihan . . . sinira ko rin. I wasn't her enemy, but I'd work for her enemies. Wala akong pinagkaiba sa kanila.

Pero ano'ng gagawin ko? Nakaratay si Nanay sa ospital. Nakakulong ang mga bata kong kapatid. My family was breaking apart . . . and all I needed was instant money . . . bagay na parehas na wala sa amin ni Amari.

My pain clouded my rationality. Sa kagustuhan kong huwag akong hiwalayan ni Amari ay kung ano-ano nang lumabas sa bibig ko. I called her selfish . . . fuck . . . I called her selfish. After everything she did for me . . . putangina, ano'ng ginawa ko?

"Selfish ako? Tangina, ilang buwan na ako ang nagbayad ng renta! Ilang buwan kong tiniis na lumalayo ka! Ilang buwan kong tiniis ang panoorin lang ang likod mo kapag natutulog ka! Kaunting pag-intindi?! Leon, ubos na ubos na ako kakaintindi!"

All I did was cry. Wala na. Pati ang babaeng mahal na mahal ko, dumulas din sa hawak ko.

"I love you . . ." I whispered to myself.

"Tama na!" galit na galit na sigaw niya.

Take your time to look at her, Leon. Pag-alis mo, hindi mo na maaabot 'yan. She would have a great life because she had always been like that, right? She was goal-oriented, and once she set her sights on something, she could do anything. At ikaw? Maiiwan ka lang na nanghihinayang.

So, look at her. Look at your greatest love drifting away from you.

Sa gitna ng paghahanap ko ng solusyon sa mga problema . . . naiwala ko siya.

I walked along the streets of Italy, crying and sobbing pathetically. Wala na akong pakialam sa mga tumitingin sa akin. I felt like I had lost everyone important to me.

Outside the locked doors of Milan Cathedral, I asked the heavens to take care of Amari, to grant her heart's deepest desire, and to heal the wounds I had caused.

Tumingin ako sa larawan niya sa pitaka ko hanggang sa maramdaman ko ang muling pagbagsak ng mga luha ko.

The world will see more of your successes, my love. Go your own way without me. Shine like the bright beacon of light that you were born to be.

"Leon? Bakit ka nandito?"

Iyon ang unang tanong ni Nanay nang makita ako. Nanaba na siya dahil sa dextrose.

I smiled at her. "Syempre. Kailangan mo 'ko, eh."

Hindi ko sinabi kina Mr. Mendoza at Mrs. Alvarado ang pag-uwi ko. I don't know. I want to take back my word. Parang hindi ko pala kayang sikmurain na magtrabaho sa kanila. Bahala na kung ano ang puwede kong gawin. Nandito naman na ako sa Pilipinas. Makakampante na ako dahil kasama ko na si Nanay.

I took care of her. Nagdedeliryo siya kapag mataas ang lagnat niya. Naroon rin ang pangangatal ng buong katawan at wala akong magawa kung hindi ang yakapin siya. I wanted to share my warmth with her. Ipinangako ko sa kanyang hindi ko siya iiwan . . . at hanggang sa mamatay ako ay hinding-hindi ko babaliin iyon.

"May karayom sa kama, oh . . ." aniya. "Ayun, bubuyog! Ang laki! Mag-iingat ka, Leon! Baka kagatin ka!"

It was so painful to watch. She was hallucinating.

"Bakit ka umiiyak? 'Wag kang umiyak! Malakas ako, 'no! Kailangan kong gumaling dahil ikakasal ka pa kay Amari! Saka . . . magdodoctor ang bunso ko! Tapos si Nash, mag-aabogado!" She chuckled. "Kaya ko, Leon. Hindi ito ang magpapatumba sa nanay mo."

Hindi ko alam kung paano lumipas ang mga araw. Nangutang ako kay Thaddeus, pero alam kong hindi pa rin sapat 'yon. Naglakas-loob din akong humingi ng tulong kay Ms. Lubrica para i-settle ang bills ni Nanay. Wala akong ibang malapitan. Parang . . . hirap lahat. Parang may pinagdadaanan.

"Ako ang dahilan mo kung bakit nakipaghiwalay ka kay Amari?!" galit na sigaw ni nanay nang malaman niyang wala na kami ng babae. Kauuwi lang namin noon mula sa ospital nang magpakuwento siya. Hindi naman ako para magsinungaling.

May oxygen tank sa tabi niya pero nahihirapan pa rin siyang huminga. I shouldn't stress her. Masama pa rin sa kanya ang mapagod.

"Mas gugustuhin ko pang mamatay kaysa magtrabaho ka sa mga magulang ni Amari!"

"Nanay naman . . ."

"Ipagbenta mo ang lupa ko! Mag-loan tayo sa bangko! Isangla natin 'tong bahay! Wala akong pakialam! Basta, hindi mo puwedeng kalimutan ang moral na itinanim ko sa 'yo!" Tumulo ang luha niya. "Importante ang pera, pero tatandaan mong wala nang mas hihigit pa sa pamilya . . . at hindi lang kami ang pamilya mo! Pamilya mo rin si Amari! Paano mo nagawa 'yon sa kanya?!"

"H-Hindi po ako tutuloy, nay . . . Sorry po . . . Sorry."

Umiling siya. "Kung nababayaran ng salapi ang pagmamahal mo, hipokrito ka."

"Nanay . . ." Tuloy ang pag-agos ng luha sa mata ko. I realize everything I did wrong now.

"Kawawa naman si Amari. Pati ikaw tumalikod sa kanya."

That same day, I went to the treehouse so that I could message Amari. Wala akong tigil sa pag-iyak dahil hinang-hina ako. Tama si Nanay. Maraming paraan para masolusyonan namin ang problema. Hindi ko kailangang saktan si Amari para lang mapadali ang buhay ko.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Mari, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for saying you were selfish. I'm sorry for invalidating your pain. I'm sorry for making you feel unseen and undervalued. I'm sorry for being so distracted that I didn't realize I was already treating you badly. I'm sorry for coming into your life only to leave.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: It's been a month. Nasa Pilipinas na ako. I'm in our treehouse while typing this. Nanay is sleeping, and I just had a talk with her a while ago. Nasa bahay na kami. Bumili na lang kami ng oxygen tank kasi hirap pa rin siyang huminga. I'm sorry for having the guts to even send these chats to you now. I know you hate getting unnecessary messages.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: I realized how much of a jerk I was to you. I wish I could turn back time so I could make better choices. I wish I could turn back time and say things differently. Miss na miss na kita, Mari. I've loved you for years and I still do. You're not only the highlight of my college; you're the best part of my life.

Leon Ysmael Zamora: Someday, the memories we shared will be nothing but a distant memory. I'm sorry I couldn't keep our promise to accomplish more things and stay together. Sa ngayon, wala akong ibang gugustuhin kung hindi ang maging masaya at malaya ka. This is too painful to ask you, but I hope you forget about me. I hope you meet a man who deserves you more than I do. Goodbye, Mendoza. Thank you for loving me.

My eyes were blurry when I sent those chats. I miss her . . . but I knew deep down that I didn't deserve her. Masyado ko na siyang nasaktan. She had to start anew. Kahit hindi na ako kasama sa mga plano niya . . . kahit hindi ko na masasabayan ang pag-abot niya sa mga pangarap niya.

Forget about me, Amari. Hayaan mong ako na lang ang manirahan sa alaala nating dalawa.

Ipinagbenta ko ang lupa ni Nanay. I also emailed both Mr. Mendoza and Mrs. Alvarado about the changes in my plans. Binayaran ko ang mga pinagkautangan namin at isinanla ko rin ang lupang pinagtitirikan ng treehouse para mabayaran nang buo ang abogado ng kambal. Sa loob ng dalawang buwan simula noong umuwi ako, palipat-lipat lang ako sa bahay para bantayan si Nanay at sa presinto para bisitahin ang mga kapatid.

Nagsimula ulit akong tumanggap ng mga academic commissions para may ipambili ng gamot at iba pang pangangailang nina Nash at Nathaniel.

Hindi ako puwedeng mapagod. Alam kong gaya ng lahat ng pinagdaanan ko, malalampasan ko rin 'to.

"L-Leon . . ."

Ang mahinang daing ni Nanay ang nakapagpamulat sa akin. Agad na bumuhos ang pag-aalala sa puso ko nang makita siyang hawak ang dibdib.

"Nay? Bakit?!" natataranta nang sigaw ko.

She was pale. Kahit suot niya ang nasal cannula ng oxygen tank niya ay hinihingal pa rin siya.

"H-Hindi ako m-makahinga . . ." she panted as she puched her chest. "A-Anak . . . nahi . . . hirapan a . . . kong hu . . . minga."

Hindi ako makapag-isip nang maayos. Lumabas ako ng bahay at nagsimulang sumigaw roon.

"Tulong! Tulungan n'yo po ang nanay ko!" Halos katukin ko ang pinto ng mga kapitbahay. "Hindi po makinga si Nanay! Tulungan n'yo po ako! Dadalhin ko po sa ospital!"

There was no response from them because it was just dawn. Patakbo akong bumalik sa bahay at tinanggal ang nasa ilong niya. I took her outside and started to run to get her to the hospital as soon as possible.

"Tulong po! Sa mga may sasakyan, tulungan n'yo po ako!" sigaw ko pa.

"L-L-Leon . . ."

"Nay, please. Ayoko, ha? 'Wag gan'yan . . ." My voice trembled. "Tulong po! Nanginginig na po si Nanay! Parang awa n'yo na! Tulungan n'yo po kami!"

"M-M-Mahal . . . na mahal . . . ka ni Nanay . . ."

"Nay! Tumigil ka muna! Please!" I continued running, still shouting at the top of my lungs.

Wala akong sasakyan. Tangina. Wala akong sasakyan.

"S-Salamat, anak ko. M-Maraming m-maraming salamat . . ."

I didn't know what had happened after that. Tinulungan ako ng isang tricycle driver na nakita ko sa kanto. Habang nasa byahe ay buhat ko lang ang katawan ni Nanay.

"'Wag mo 'kong iwan, nay . . ." I cried as I poured oxygen into her mouth. "H-Hindi ko po kaya. Kailangan kita, nay. Kailangan kita. Parang awa mo na . . . 'wag mo 'kong iwan."

Ramdam ko ang pagbigat ng katawan niya. Ayokong tanggapin. Hindi. Hindi totoo 'to. Hindi mamamatay ang nanay ko. Marami pa akong dapat gawin. I hadn't yet given her the kind of life she deserved. Hindi puwede. Ayoko. Please. Ayoko.

She was announced dead on arrival.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ako nakauwi, kung paano ako nakapamili ng kabaong at ng isusuot niya, kung paano ako nakakuha ng litrato para sa tarpaulin, kung paano ko nagawang tanguan ang mga dumadalaw na parang hindi namatay ang malaking parte ng puso ko.

"Condolence, Leon . . ."

Wala na ang nanay ko. Nawala na siya bago ko pa maibigay ang lahat sa kanya. Ni hindi siya mapuntahan ng kambal. Sinubukan kong mag-request sa presinto para makita manlang nila ang labi ni Nanay pero hindi ako napayagan.

"Sorry, kuya. Hinding-hindi na namin uulitin 'to. Sorry . . ." umiiyak na saad ni Nash. "Ibulong mo ang paghingi namin ng tawad kay Nanay, ha?"

Nakayuko lang si Nathaniel, kanina pa hingi nang hingi ng tawad.

Gusto kong magalit sa ginawa nila . . . pero sila na lang ang pamilyang mayroon ako. Ayokong pati sila ay mawala sa akin.

I felt alone. Ni wala akong panahon para magluksa dahil kailangan kong bayaran ang mga utang pa namin. Nang i-revive kasi si Nanay ay nagpatong-patong ang hospital bills. Wala akong mapagkunan ng pera. Kung hindi dahil kay Thaddeus at Ms. Lubrica na nag-alok ng tulong ay baka naiwan doon ang katawan ni Nanay.

I distracted myself by working really hard to avoid confronting the empty side of our home . . . to avoid feeling the void in my heart . . . to avoid calling someone abroad to request a hug.

Nag-apply ako bilang psychometrician sa VDMH at part-time instructor sa CSU, at malugod naman nila akong tinanggap. I worked my way to the top while taking care of my brothers who were being beaten up at the prison. Inamin nila sa akin na ang mga anak ng may-ari ng Mendoza Research Institute ang una nilang nakasama sa pagdodroga pero silang dalawa lang ang nakulong gayong ang mga ito ang pinaka-supplier nila.

"Let's put them in jail, Leon. Mahirap silang kalaban, pero kaya natin 'yon," saad ni Psyche sa akin nang mag-send ako ng petition para i-rave ang MRI. "They had enough fun. Masyado na silang maraming nabibiktima."

As the years passed, I couldn't shake the feeling that something was missing from my heart. Kahit nang makalaya ang mga kapatid ko, wala akong nakapang kahit na anong kaligayahan sa dibdib ko. Para akong gumigising lang dahil kailangan.

"Wala na kayo ni Ate Amari, kuya?" tanong ni Nathaniel sa akin.

Umiling lang ako para tapusin ang usapan. I lost my purpose. I lost the two women who held such a special place in my life. Wala nang dahilan para maging masaya ako dahil 'yong mga pinangukuan ko . . . wala na sa 'kin. Parehas ko silang nabigo. At kahit ano pang marating ko, hinding-hindi na sila babalik sa akin.

I hope Amari is here. Siguro hindi ganito kasakit kung nasa tabi ko siya.

Kahit isang araw lang . . . gusto kong makasama ulit siya. Ikukwento ko sa kanya ang lahat ng nangyari sa akin at hihingi ng tawad sa ginawa ko. Puwede rin akong mangumusta at tanungin kung naging mas maayos ba ang buhay niya nang mawala ako.

Kasi ako hindi.

Kung hindi puwede . . . I would just go ahead and hug her. I would do anything to be able to fall asleep close to her and experience the wonder of life all over again.

Pero imposible na.

I was bitter. I didn't want to hear things about her because I kept missing her. Tuwing pag-uusapan siya ng mga kaibigan namin ay ako na ang lumalayo. Kahit si Ms. Lubrica na tumayong pangalawang nanay ko na ay hindi maiwasang mabanggit ang pangalan niya.

I heard she finished her master's degree and was now a licensed counselor and psychologist. Alam ko namang makakaya niyang abutin lahat. Sayang lang. Nasaksihan ko sana lahat ng 'yon kung hindi ko siya sinaktan.

I hope she never comes back here. Baka hindi kasi ako pumayag na hindi siya mapasaakin kapag nakita ko ulit siya. Baka maghabol ako. Baka malimutan kong ang pagmamahal niya sa akin ang muntik ko nang ipambayad sa mga problema ko.

"Oh my god! Queen!"

Nasa bahay ako nina Thaddeus at Shaira nang marinig ang sigaw na iyon ng babae. Mula sa screen ng laptop ay nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya. Tutok na tutok lang ang mga mata niya sa TV kaya napalingon din ako roon.

My heart started racing right away when I recognized who was walking down the aisle. She looked . . . radiant. There was no trace of the pain I left behind. There was no sign of tears or weakness. Nakahawi lang ang kanyang buhok sa isang gilid ng balikat kaya kitang-kita ang leeg niya. She also had a beautiful, delicate smile on her lips as her eyes glowed.

Nothing had changed. Amari Sloane Mendoza was still the loveliest woman I had ever seen.

Ayokong makita siya nang personal. Sapat na sa aking paulit-ulitin ang live video ng kasal ng kaibigan niya. Her body had matured. She had curves in all the right places, and she looked healthier now. Hindi gaya noong iniwan ko siyang payat na payat.

Ni hindi ko manlang naipadala sa kanya ang utang ko. Nakakahiya namang lumapit. Baka . . . limot niya na ako. Malayo na ang narating niya. Malawak na rin ang mundong ginagalawan niya.

"Nasaan na kaya si Amari?"

Nang marinig ko iyon kay Zoey habang nasa gender reveal party kami ng anak nina Thaddeus at Shaira, hindi ako nagdalawang-isip na umalis. Nakita ko pa siya sa parking lot kaya tarantang-taranta ako nang magmaneho. Ni hindi manlang ako nakatagal para matitigan sana siya.

I took a deep breath, realizing there were a lot of changes in my life. I was able to buy a red automatic car. Red because it reminded me of Amari's lips and flushed cheeks. Automatic because I dreamed of driving her home while also holding her hand.

Bukod sa renovation ng treehouse ay pinag-ipunan ko rin ang pagbili noon. Hulugan lang iyon pero malaking tulong na sa akin. Lalo kapag naaalala kong wala kaming ganoon ni Nanay noon.

I stopped smoking, too. Tanda kong pinagalitan ako ni Amari dahil sa madalas na paninigarilyo ko. Isa pa, sakit sa baga ang ikinamatay ni Nanay. She became a secondhand smoker. Kung nakinig lang sana ako sa kanya dati, hindi siguro siya magkakaroon ng karamdaman.

Iiwas ako kay Amari. Iyon ang plano ko.

Pero iba pala ang gusto ng mundo.

When our gazes locked after so long of not seeing each other, I knew I had to try again.

Sinubukan kong lumapit . . . mangumusta. She was still single, and although I knew she wouldn't want to be with me again, I pursued her like a fucking dog.

"Ilang beses ko bang uulitin sa 'yo? I don't give a shit about Leon. Magkita man kami, wala akong pakialam. I don't love him anymore, and I've known for a long time that he's nothing but a phase in my life. Sinabi niyang kalimutan ko siya . . . so I did."

It broke me into a million pieces. That was your answer, Leon. Nalimutan ka na niya . . . gaya ng gusto mong mangyari.

Pero ewan ko ba. Pagdating kay Amari, wala akong pagod.

"Shaira, can I use your messenger?" I asked her.

"Huh? Aanhin mo naman?"

I breathed deeply. Nakakahiya.

"I'll just message Amari."

Nanlaki ang mga mata niya pero hindi naman na siya nangusisa.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: Take care.

That was my first message to her. Lilipad na kasi siya pabalik sa Italy.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Girl, you've told me that too many times already! I'll message you, okay? Stop worrying and get some rest. It's not like I won't call you or anything.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: Have you brought any meds with you? Baka mahilo ka sa byahe.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: Yup. All good.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: Update your Facebook every once in a while. Post your pictures, your achievements, or just anything. Share memes if you're happy or poems if you're sad. Just post anything.

Because that was the only way I could see what was going on with your life. Hindi naman na kasi ako puwedeng dumiretso sa 'yo. I already lost that right.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: You know I'm not a social media girl, right? Bakit? May problema ba? Gusto mong pag-usapan bago ako umalis? I'm free. You can call me if you want.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: I'm just very proud of you, Amari.

It was true. Ako pa rin ang pinakamasaya kapag may mga nararating siya. Hindi man niya kita iyon, pero araw-araw ay laman siya ng mga panalangin ko.

Amari Sloane Mendoza: I love you, Shai. Thank you for not leaving me.

Natagalan ako bago sumagot. I forgot for a moment that she thought I was her friend.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: I love you.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: So much.

Shaira Ylane Chavez: Always remember that.

Naging malaking gulat sa akin ang hindi niya pag-alis. Parang umahon ang bagong pag-asa sa dibdib ko.

Kaya naman kahit na ayaw niya, nagsumiksik ako. Kahit may pandidiri sa mukha niya, pinagkasya ko ang sarili sa kaunting arko ng kilay niya kapag nakikita akong nakamasid sa kanya.

It was better. Parang . . . dati lang.

She said so many painful things to me. She said our feelings were shallow, yet all I wanted was to marry her. She said my feelings were a joke, but I've never taken anyone as seriously as I did her.

Nakakalito. Minsan, parang gusto niya ako. Madalas, parang hindi.

I saw a sliver of hope when she started opening up to me again . . . but it all vanished in an instant.

It felt like an endless game of tug-of-war.

Baka mali na naman ang ginagawa ko. Baka kaya lalo kaming nagkakasakitan kasi ipinipilit ko pa kahit hindi naman na puwede.

Wala, eh. Mahal ko, eh.

Kahit na maraming taon ang lumipas . . . walang nagbago. Mahal na mahal ko pa rin siya.

"Titigilan ko na," sabi ko kay Thaddeus.

I invited him for some drinks because I was so heartbroken by the constant push and pull I had with Amari. Ayaw niya sa akin. Nakakapagod nang ilaban.

"You won't have regrets?" he asked.

I nodded. "Ubos na 'ko."

He tapped my back. "Good fight, man."

Hindi ko alam na may luha pa pala akong mailalabas para kay Amari. I needed to stand my ground. Mahal ko siya pero mas lalo lang akong napapagod sa pag-ibig ko sa kanya. I was afraid of being replaced. I was jealous because I knew I didn't have the assurance that she'd love me again. I was so . . . so scared. She could break me down to my bare bones as I hopelessly stitched myself back together.

Ayoko nang dumaan ulit sa pinagdaanan ko noon.

"I've given it some thought earlier. I've fired my last shot. Pinakita ko sa 'yong mahal kita, ginawa ko na lahat, tiniis ko ang paglayo at pananakit, but it still didn't work out, so I'm done," I told her.

She was in front of me. Hindi ko alam kung para saan pa gayong ayaw niya naman sa 'kin. Hindi na dapat siya gumagawa ng mga bagay na alam niyang aasahan ko lang.

"Naiintindihan ko naman 'yon dahil nagkamali ako sa 'yo . But the constant fear that you'll leave me . . ." Umiling ako kasabay ng pagguho ng maliit na parte ng pag-asa sa dibdib ko. "I can't take it . . . so just leave all at once. Para tapos na."

I'm giving you back your freedom, Amari. You won't have to be annoyed at me again.

"Pero nakakapagod ka nang mahalin, Amari. Kasi alam kong kung gugustuhin mo, mabilis mo 'kong mapapalitan. Kasi kung gugustuhin mo, kayang-kaya mo 'kong durugin." Just please say that you love me, and I'll come running back to you again. I can't risk my already shattered heart, Amari. Please love me gently. "I'm tired of being jealous. I'm tired of waiting, of just watching and reaching out. I'm tired, really tired, of being in love with you, so I'm raising my white flag now. I've fought hard and long enough. Gusto ko na lang magpahinga."

Nang makita ko ang lungkot sa mga mata niya ay gusto kong bawiin lahat ng sinabi ko. Bakit siya nasasaktan? Ayaw niya sa 'kin. Nandidiri siya sa presensya ko. Hindi dapat niya ipinararamdan na may puwang pa rin ako sa buhay niya gayong ibang-iba naman ang lumalabas sa bibig niya.

I got her messages, and when I read them, I just threw away everything I could see. Putangina naman. Mali na naman ang timing. Kung kailang suko na ako, saka naman siya lalaban para sa 'kin.

No. I had to stand my ground. Hindi puwedeng habambuhay kong idepende ang kasiyahan ko sa kanya.

I tried to move on from her. Pabiro ko pang niloko si Thaddeus na magsisimula na akong makipag-date at kumilala ng ibang babae . . . kahit pa alam kong si Amari lang naman ang hahanap-hanapin ko.

I limited my access to her life. Kapag miss na miss ko siya, bibisita lang ako sa library kung saan madalas siyang magbasa at pagsasawaan ko ang sarili sa pagmamasid sa kanya.

"O, akala ko ba ayaw mo na?" natatawang tanong ni Thaddeus nang makita akong nagte-text ulit kay Amari.

Umiling ako. "I'm kinda ready again."

"Gago!" Halakhak niya pa. "Sabi na't hindi ka tatagal, eh! Kaunting pahinga lang, ikaw pa rin ang maghahabol."

Ipinagpasa-Diyos ko na 'yon. Bahala na. Kahit ikamatay ko. Basta si Amari.

"Leon, I'm with Mari in this. You have to protect her. Nakakatunog na si Percy sa ginagawa nami—"

Parang nagpantig ang tainga ko sa sinabi sa akin ni Psyche.

"Who?"

Dumaan ang takot sa mukha niya. "Si Mari . . ."

"Are you serious?"

She nodded. "She did almost all the job. Siya ang kumuha ng lahat ng ebidensyang 't—"

"Destroy them," I commanded.

"What?!"

"I'll secure every piece of information in there. We'll destroy them," matigas na saad ko. "If everything goes wrong, I'll take the fall. 'Wag mong idadamay si Amari."

"I'm not planning to." Nanginginig siyang tumango. "You have my word, Leon. Mari deserves nothing but freedom."

Everything was too much for me. Halos naging sunod-sunod ang mabibigat na pangyayari. Psyche fell into a coma while my Amari was out there, facing her demons bravely. She didn't even flinch. I had always known she was strong . . . I just realized that her strength was up and above what I could ever think of.

Hindi niya kailangan ng magliligtas sa kanya dahil kaya niyang iligtas ang sarili niya. Hindi niya kailangan ng tutulong sa kanyang bumangon dahil kaya niyang tumayo sa sarili niyang paa.

I helped her still . . . alongside. In just two tries, I was able to figure out her email account's password.

Mind over matter

"Percy and Valeen, you've had enough fun. Iabandona n'yo 'ko, wala akong pakialam. Paulit-ulit n'yo 'kong minaliit, wala akong naging reklamo. Pandirihan n'yo 'ko, wala kayong maririnig sa 'kin."

Watching her stand in trial as a witness, I couldn't help but feel a surge of pride. Gusto kong sumigaw na siya ang babaeng mahal ko. Na siya ang babaeng kasama kong nangarap . . . ang babaeng itinago at tahimik kong minahal sa mga taong nagdaan.

"Pero idinamay n'yo 'yong alam n'yong importante sa 'kin. Idinamay n'yo 'yong alam n'yong iniingatan ko. Idinamay n'yo 'yong alam n'yong mahal ko. I'm sorry, my lovely parents, but I can't tolerate that."

She still loves me. I'm sure of that. Ako ang dahilan kung bakit buong-tapang niyang hinarap ang mga taong kinatatakutan niya dati.

I waited for her . . . kahit hindi siya nagpaalam sa akin. Sa gitna ng paghihintay, isinulat ko ang kwento naming dalawa. I would give it to her . . . kung babalik man siya.

I knew she needed a break. I would be the happiest if she rested. Buong buhay niya, hindi siya tumigil sa paglaban . . . sumasalungat sa agos . . . at hindi nagpapatalo sa nais ng puso.

It was time for her to breathe. Alam kong puno ng pag-alala ang puso niya kay Psyche, pero hangga't may maliit na tyansang magising ito ay papanatagin ko ang mga agam-agam niya.

I kissed her picture and thought about her. "I'll keep my promise once you come back. I'll turn you into Mrs. Zamora you're always destined to be."

And when she returned, I had promised to never let her go again.

It was on the island where Amari claimed to have fallen in love with me that we exchanged our vows in front of only a few of our closest friends and family. The wedding took place at the foot of a lighthouse, and guests were treated to views of the coastline and the soothing sound of waves.

Thaddeus was my best man, and Mill was my wife's maid of honor. Si Ms. Lubrica, at ang kambal ang naghatid sa akin sa altar samantalang sina Karsen at Kat naman ang kay Amari.

"I love you, Leon Ysmael Zamora," she said, small tears flowing down her cheeks. "Every day, I keep on relearning ways on how to love you more . . . how to love you better. You are a part of my healing. Ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit natutunan ko ring mahalin ang sarili ko. Higit pa salitang masasabi ko sa 'yo ang taos-pusong pasasalamat ko. Thank you for holding me through the storms of my life, kissing my wounds, and waiting patiently for me. Kahit walang kasiguraduhan. Kahit mundo pa 'yong kalaban."

A tear escaped my eye.

"My husband, my love, my favorite rival, I am eternally grateful that I have found you."

I tried not to cry . . . but I couldn't. Nagiging iyakin ako kapag si Amari na.

My wife . . . her beauty was beyond what words could ever express. She was perfect all the way down to her toes, much like the spines of those precisely bound books. She smelled so comforting that you'd want to cuddle up in a corner with some old novels or literature. She was the kind of character that no writer could do justice to.

"Amari . . ." nanginig agad ang boses ko. "Ever since I laid my eyes on you, I knew you had me captivated. You walked into the room, not knowing that you were taking my breath away. Ni hindi ko namamalayan ang oras kakatingin sa 'yo. You were clueless while I was dying of admiration for you."

Everything about her was beautiful to me, from the creases on the side of her mouth when she laughed to the way her hair danced so gracefully when she moved.

"We've made it to our right time, Mrs. Amari Sloane Zamora. Basta ikaw ang makakasama ko sa dulo, walang kaso sa akin ang mahabang panahon na paghihintay ko sa 'yo."

When it came time for our first kiss as husband and wife, I lifted her veil only to be swept away by her elegant beauty again.

"I found you attractive on our first day of college, too, Zamora."

Tumingkayad siya at habang gulat ako ay pinatakan niya ng halik ang labi ko.

"Leon, ano? Ang hina!"

"Kuya naman! Hindi ka namin pinalaking gan'yan!"

"Hala, parang hindi naman dapat 'to kasama sa tradisyon mo, Leon!"

When my wife chuckled, pleased that she had the upper hand, I grabbed her by the waist and kissed her in front of the crowd, earning yet another round of applause.

"I present to you, Mr. and Mrs. Zamora!"

My heart was fulfilled.

I couldn't see into the future, but at that moment, I vowed to myself that I would hold her hand whenever I could. From the balcony to the kitchen, from the car to the attic. She would turn our treehouse into a haven, and I would turn her frowns into fits of laughter. We would be at each other's aid. We would fix what was broken and stay. We would discover each other every day.

We had made a lot of mistakes in the past. We fell and were beaten up on the way down. We threw sharp, hurtful things at each other. I wasn't perfect. Neither did she. But now we knew that no matter how tough things became, we could always stay on the same side, fight for each other, and never against.

The long-standing rivalry between us was over, as we exchanged the sacred promise of becoming allies forever.