Chapter 6

I stayed up all night studying. While Zoey was in a deep slumber, I took a seat next to the open window and let the moon, the stars, and the lampposts outside light up the notepad I was using to jot down the information I needed to remember.

Students who only want to pass may think I'm trying a bit too hard. That I'm going over the top and that I'm overacting. Lagi kong naririnig 'yon sa mga kaklase kong madalas ma-weirdohan sa akin tuwing aral na aral na ako, tuwing makikita nila ang index cards ko na naglalaman ng summary ng lessons namin, at tuwing gising na gising ako sa klase habang sila ay humihikab na.

They said I was too grade conscious. They said that looking at me could generate high academic pressure. Na para bang ang dami nilang hindi alam kapag nakikita nila akong nag-aaral.

I get mad sometimes. I mean, it's not my fault they don't make studying a big deal as I do. But then I realized they didn't know why I was putting up so much effort. They had no idea that being on top was the only option available to me.

Dahil kapag hindi ako nag-aral nang mabuti, mawawalan kami ng matitirhan. Kapag hindi ako nag-aral nang mabuti, mawawalan ako ng pagkakataon na marinig ang tatay ko na proud siya sa akin . . . mawawalan ako ng tyansa na makilala ang nanay ko.

"Mari, gisingin mo na si Leon sa kabila," utos ni Ms. Lubrica nang makita akong nag-aayos na.

"Po?"

Lumapit siya sa akin at kinuha ang suklay sa kamay ko. She began combing my damp hair, and I could see her doing it gently because I was in front of the mirror.

"Natulog ka ba?" malamyos ang boses na tanong niya. "Ikaw bata ka, napaka-competitive mo. Ano'ng sabi ko? Okay lang hindi manalo, 'di ba?"

I smiled, warmth surrounding my heart. "Hindi lang po ako makatulog kagabi kaya nagbasa na lang ako."

Hindi na siya sumagot. She continued brushing my hair with the comb before returning it to me.

"All good." Pinaharap niya ako sa kanya at mabilis na inayos ang ilang hibla ng buhok ko sa noo. "Your features are well-defined."

I pursed my lips. "Thank you, ma'am."

She tapped my forearm gently. "Sige na, gisingin mo na si Leon para makapag-umagahan na tayo."

"Wala po ba si Dean?"

Tumango siya. "Maagang umalis. May tatrabahuhin lang daw sa bayan kasi doon malakas ang signal."

I cleared my throat. "Uhm . . . si Leon lang po ang nando'n?"

"Oo. Bakit?"

"Wala naman po!" Napakurap ako nang nanliit ang mga mata niya sa akin. "Ah, sige. Pupunta na po ako sa kabila."

Agad ko siyang tinalikuran. Lumabas ako ng kubo namin at pinaypayan ang sarili. I'm not sure what's making me nervous. Siguro dahil matapos ang pag-uusap namin kagabi ay hindi na siya nagsalita. Paulit-ulit kong sinabi sa kanya na kailangan niyang sumali sa individual quiz bee dahil maraming incentives na matatanggap ang mananalo. He could use those to help his mother.

I walked up to the nipa hut's door and knocked. "Zamora, gumising ka na!" sigaw ko bago muling kumatok. "Uhm . . . sa amin daw mag-uumagahan!" My heart was pounding in my chest, as I was getting more nervous and a little bit . . . excited?

No, Mari! Kaba lang 'yan!

I knocked again, louder this time. "Bahala kang ma-late, ha! Basta ginising ki—"

My mouth dropped open when the door suddenly opened. Topless and clothed in just a pair of rugged, tattered jeans around his torso, Leon Ysmael Zamora stood there in flesh, brows furrowed and hair obviously damp.

"How can you be so loud in the morning?" he asked flatly.

Napalunok ako. His body . . . his body . . . it could defeat the bodies of ancient gods!

"G-gumising ka na raw!" I almost hit myself for stuttering.

"Do I look asleep to you?"

Hindi! Pero ako ang makakatulog habambuhay kapag ibinalandra mo pa lalo 'yang katawan mo!

I looked everywhere but him.

Wow. Biruin mo nga naman. Parang maganda ang pagkakagawa ng kubong 'to, ah? Mamahalin ang mga materyales na ginamit at pinong-pino ang pagkakayari. Mukhang matibay, matigas, at mukhang walang bagyong hindi kayang suungin. Parang katawan lang!

Huh? Katawan? Kawayan yata 'yon? O . . . katawan ng puno! 'Yan! 'Yong trunk! Ha-ha! Very good!

"What the hell is going on in your pretty little head, Mendoza?"

Hindi ko siya pinansin. Umalis na lang kaya ako bigla sa harap niya? Hindi ba magiging awkward 'yon? Baka isipin niya ay naglalaway ako! Ang dami-dami ko nang nakitang gan'yan sa pageant!

"Hey."

Siguro batak siya sa pagtatrabaho. May mga ano siya, eh . . . abs. May ganoon din naman ako noon no'ng nag-workout ako. Medyo napakain lang ulit kaya nawala! Dapat bang mag-balik alindog program ako? Para matalo ko siya sa pagandahan ng katawan?

"Mendoza."

"Ano ba?!" singhal ko bago siya galit na tinapunan ng tingin.

He was taken aback, but I noticed a glimmer of amusement passing through his eyes.

"Nag-iisip 'yong tao, abala ka!" dagdag ko pa.

"Pasok."

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Pasok?! Saan?! Oh god! Ano'ng pinaplano niya?!

"B-bakit naman kita susundin?! Ano ka diyos?"

He turned his back on me, and I couldn't help but let out a breath of surprise when I saw how sexy it was.

Hindi pa ako nakakabawi sa lahat ng nakikita ko nang magsalita ulit siya.

"Pumasok ka. I'm making something."

As if under a spell, I followed him.

The scent of the whole place was relaxing, with a mixture of pinewood aroma and a close resemblance to that of burnt wood because of whatever he was making. I could also smell the fresh shower gel that he had just used. It had the manly scent of alpine wood that made it seem like he had just left the forest. It was crisp, clean, daring, and, in a word, rough as all hell.

Sa madaling salita, lalaking-lalaki . . . at mabango.

I sat in one of the chairs as he kept doing something on the counter. Mabilis lang namang iyong natapos dahil humarap din siya agad sa akin. Pinilit kong iwaksi sa utak ko ang mga papuri sa katawan niya. Huh! Meron din naman ako n'yan dati!

"Drink this," he said as he put a cup in front of me.

Tumitig ako roon. It was tea. May ilang piraso pa ng maninipis na dahon.

I put my weight against the back of the chair and turned my head to look at him. "Ayokong inumin. Baka may drugs pa 'yan."

Ipinatong niya ang dalawang kamay sa mesa. He leaned in closer to me, his glasses slipping a little on the bridge of his nose.

The look on his face made my glare dim a little. Nakakainis! Kanina ko pa siya sinusungitan pero hindi niya ibinabalik ang sungit sa akin! I want him to be mean to me so that I won't have any more feelings for him than I already do!

"It's rosemary tea," he said in a raspy, throaty voice.

I mentally cursed. Why is he treating me so nicely? Hindi naman kami ganito! He hasn't spoken to me once all semester long! He even went so far as to say that he didn't consider me his type! Tapos ngayon, bigla siyang babait sa akin?

"Pake ko?"

The muscles in his jaw clenched. "I got up really early and asked the locals for some rosemary I saw last night so I could make this for you."

I clenched my fist against the fabric of my clothes. The gentleness of his voice, along with the words he had just said, made it hard for me to stay unfazed.

"Bakit naman . . . " Humina ang boses ko, tuluyan nang nawala ang pagsusungit. I bit my lower lip to stop myself from sulking. "Hindi ko naman sinabing igawa mo 'ko n'yan."

"You didn't sleep, did you?"

I tried my hardest to crease my forehead but failed. "W-wala ka na ro'n."

"Inumin mo 'to kahit konti. It will calm your brain by relaxing your nerves and improving your blood flow." Napaigtad ako nang ipinatong niya ang kamay sa ulo ko na para ba akong maliit na tuta. "You might pass out if you don't drink that, so be a little less assertive this time, okay?"

I was too surprised to say anything. He stood properly and pointed at the tea using his lips, urging me to drink.

Kinuha ko ang tasa at parang nahihipnotismong sinunod ang gusto niyang mangyari. Its warmth quickly soothed my throat, and by the time it moved down my stomach, I felt a sense of relaxation overtaking me.

A small smile formed on his lips as soon as I finished. He handed me a tissue from the counter to wipe my lips, and I took it without thinking twice. Matapos gamitin ay iniabot ko ulit iyon sa kanya na tinanggap niya naman.

"Bumalik ka na. Susunod ako."

Truth be told, the tea made such a huge difference in my overall mood. But then again, it could have been because my day started by seeing the heaven's bountiful gift to women. Kahit tuloy ramdam ko ang tingin ni Dad habang nag-qu-quiz bee kami ay hindi ako pinangunahan ng kaba.

Ngayong umaga ang group quiz bee at sa hapon naman ang individual quiz bee. And out of 93 universities, only 13 were left. Kasama na kami roon. Sa katabing mesa namin ay ang grupo nina Jin na gaya namin ay wala pa ring mali. Most of the time, Leon would say the answer while Zoey would write it down. Minsan ay ako. It was a nice teamwork. Never have I been in a group like this before.

"For the next question, let's make it a little confusing," said the host. "What is the term used by Adlerian psychologists to define the condition of psychological well-being, which is characterized by a sense of social connectivity and concern for the well-being of others?"

"Ano raw?" mahinang tanong ni Zoey.

The question was asked again, and I shut my eyes to make sure I heard it correctly.

"Luh, hindi ko naintindihan," sabi ulit ng babae. "Ano, Leon?"

"They made the question hard, but I'm sure the answer is easy."

I opened my eyes. "Isn't it gemeinschaftsgefühl?"

Ibinigay ni Zoey ang whiteboard sa akin. "Lito ako sa spelling no'n."

Isinulat ko ang sagot doon. Hindi naman sila pumalag. When we were asked to raise our whiteboards, I noticed that almost everyone had written "social interest," while some had no answer.

Inisa-isa ng host ang mga sagot namin bago nakipag-usap kay Dr. Fujimoto na para bang may itinatanong siya. Wala pang isang minuto ay humarap din agad ito sa amin.

"Okay, everyone who wrote their answers was correct."

I smiled to myself before putting the whiteboard down.

"Excuse me, Sir, this group has given a different answer."

Napatingin ako kay Jin nang bigla siyang nagsalita, ang daliri ay nakaturo sa amin.

Is he being serious?

"Hmm? What's their answer?" tanong ng host. "Can you raise your whiteboard please?"

I raised it confidently, knowing our answer was correct.

"See? Iba 'yong sagot nila," sabi ulit ni Jin.

Tumaas ang kilay ko. "Gemeinschaftsgefühl and social interest mean the same," I said, the German word rolling off my tongue.

I heard Leon chuckle softly. "And in fact, our answer is more accurate because we were asked for a term, not terms."

Napangisi ako. I didn't notice that. Lagi talaga siyang naka-focus sa technicality.

Dr. Fujimoto raised from her seat and a microphone was immediately given to her.

"Actually, gemeinschaftsgefühl is the correct answer," she said. "Pinagbigyan lang namin 'yong mga nagsagot ng social interest kasi . . ." she paused before looking closely at my nameplate, "Ms. Mendoza was right, they mean the same."

Lumipad agad ang tingin ko kay Dad at halos manggilid ang luha ko nang makitang nakangiti siya sa akin.

Did I make him proud? Was he smiling because someone so high and influential mentioned our family name?

I bit the inside of my lower lip before turning my attention back to the whiteboard, feeling a surge of happiness.

"And since Mr. Zamora strikes us with grammar, I'm sorry, but I think their answer is the only one that will do."

That made us the winner. Kahit may mga sumunod na tanong ay walang nakahabol sa score namin dahil hindi na kami nagkamali. I could tell that Jin was getting worked up, and the feeling of satisfaction that it gave me was overwhelming.

"Congrats," labas sa ilong na sabi niya nang magtapat kami. They won second place.

I smiled triumphantly. There's no way I'll say it back to him.

"Thanks."

"Talino mo pa rin." Ngumisi siya. "I'm wondering . . . are you up for a study date after this? Just like the old times?"

I couldn't help but stare at him, unsure of how or why I had been so in love with him before. Yes, he was gifted in every way possible, but he was too arrogant to be around.

Back then, even though we dated briefly, I thought he was the one for me. Marami kaming similarities at interests. We'd spent most of our dates studying and helping each other. Kahit may kaya ang pamilya niya, simple lang ang mga lakad namin. He went on giving me flowers and handwritten letters.

After being punched by Mill, personal siyang humingi ng tawad sa akin kaya siguro iniisip niya na okay lang ang kausapin ako. But how could he have missed the fact that I didn't say I'd be willing to forgive him? I could see where he was coming from because I knew how tiring it was to be in a relationship with me, but I'm not interested in seeing him again!

Sa bibig niya na mismo nanggaling na nakakaubos akong mahalin. Tapos study date? He must be out of his mind.

"I'm not interested in spending any time with you, Jin," I replied.

His brow arched. "Why? Are you in a relationship?"

Shivers ran up and down my spine as I sensed Leon's presence behind me. Kilala ko ang amoy niya kaya sigurado akong siya iyon. He was standing too close to me. Sa oras na humarap ako sa kanya ay tatama ang mukha ko sa dibdib niya.

"Is he making you uncomfortable?" mahinang tanong niya.

Tumango ako. Kahit na kay Jin ang mata ko, na ngayon ay puno ng inis ang mukha, ang buong atensyon ko naman ay nasa lalaki sa likuran ko.

"Excuse me, we've got to go," pormal na sabi niya kay Jin bago hinawakan ang siko ko.

Jin chuckled sarcastically. "'Wag bastos, p're, magka-usap pa kami, 'di ba?"

"I'm pretty sure it's not as important as her having lunch." Bahagya niya akong hinigit kaya napasandal ako sa kanya.

"Ikakamatay ba ni Mari kapag na-late siya ng limang minuto?" inis na tanong ni Jin.

I felt Leon's chest vibrate against my back, para bang tumawa siya.

"I don't think even an hour would be enough, given how much you're talking."

Hindi pa nakakasagot si Jin ay hinila na ako ni Leon paalis. Hinanap ko sa paligid ang mga kasama namin pero mukhang nauna na silang makabalik sa kubo. Doon kasi kami manananghalian.

"Ex mo 'yon?" he asked before letting go of my arm.

Sumimangot ako. "Unfortunately."

His brow furrowed slightly. "You have a thing for talkative guys?"

Napaisip ako. Jin sure talks a lot, but . . . I don't think I have such a type.

"Wala."

He squinted. "But you were smiling earlier at the quiz bee."

"Huh?"

Umismid siya at nagsimula nang maglakad. "Ano? Kinikilig ka?"

Sinabayan ko siya sa paglalakad, kunot ang noo at takang-taka kung saan siya nanggagaling. "Ano bang sinasabi mo? Hindi kita ma-gets."

"Nakangiti ka nga kanina sa quiz bee," giit niya.

"Ba't naman ako ngingiti?"

"I don't know. Baka dahil sa ex mo," nakasimangot na sabi niya.

Napaisip ako. He must be talking about the way I smiled when I saw my proud father smiling at me.

Nang maalala iyon ay bumalik ang saya ko. I would give anything to relive the feeling of seeing the pride in his eyes again.

"What?"

Nakangiti akong bumaling kay Leon. "Hmm?"

Bahagyang pumungay ang mga mata niya nang magtama ang tingin namin. I was about to ask him what was the problem but he quickly looked away as if something had pricked his eyes.

Hindi na siya nagsalita kaya hindi ko na lang din pinansin. I kept playing my father's smile over and over in my head as I was eating lunch to get myself motivated for the next activity.

Masayang-masaya si Ms. Lubrica para sa amin. She said she would treat us to an expensive dinner as soon as we returned home.

When the time came for the individual quiz bee, all I could think about was my father's smile. Kailangan kong galingan para makita ulit 'yon. Who knows? Maybe if I won, he'd say he was proud of me and that I was just exactly like him.

Elimination round agad ang first part at mabilis kaming nangalahati. Natanggal din si Zoey dahil nagkamali siya sa spelling. Sa pangalawang part, mas mahirap na ang mga tanong kaya marami rin ang agad na natanggal. Kasama roon si Jin at ang babaeng nagpakita ng interes kay Leon.

I didn't want to get ahead of myself. Kami ni Leon ang nangunguna dahil parehas pa kaming hindi nagkakamali. Napakatahimik ng buong lugar. It was as if they could feel the tension between all the participants.

Tumingin ako kay Dad at kahit papaano ay lumakas ang loob ko nang tumango siya sa akin.

"Alright, since you are the top students of your respective colleges, we'd like to check if you're doing your advance reading." Almost everyone grunted, making the host laugh. "Are you people practicing that?"

I cast a quick glance over at Leon, who was maintaining his composure and cool. Gumuho ang maliit na pag-asa sa puso ko. Alam kong kahit ilang gabi akong magpuyat kakaaral ay hindi ko siya matatalo. He was gifted; I was not. Masipag lang ako pero hindi ako kasingtalino niya.

Umiling ako. It's okay. Basta napangiti ko na si Dad. That memory was beautiful enough for me.

"Mike wants to do some research. He wants to find out if the way people's favorability of the death penalty has a relationship with their gender. From what you know about statistics, what statistical method should he use?"

I swallowed hard. Psychological statistics? Next school year pa namin pag-aaralan 'to.

Hinigpitan ko ang kapit sa whiteboard marker ko. I'm not completely ignorant when it comes to this subject because I've been keeping up with my reading.

I wrote down Phi Coefficient. I'm not sure if that was right because I had a hard time choosing between that and Pearson R. Wala pa naman kasi akong sapat na kaalaman tungkol doon.

Pero nang makita kong parehas kami ng sagot ni Leon ay agad akong nakampante.

"Only Mr. Zamora and Ms. Mendoza got the correct answer." Ngumiti ang host. "Kanina pa kayo, ha? Saang school galing 'to?"

Tumawa ang mga nasa paligid. Muli akong sumulyap kay Dad at ganoon na ang lang tuwa ko nang makita ulit ang ngiti niya. It kept me going for so long that I was able to answer all the questions hurled at us without a hitch.

I was so caught up in answering the questions that I failed to notice that out of 279 participants, only Leon and I were left.

"Grabe, ipinaramdam n'yo talaga sa lahat na taga-sulat lang ako no'ng group quiz bee, ah!" Narinig kong sigaw ni Zoey, dahilan para magtawanan ang mga nasa paligid.

Pinilit kong ngumiti. Win or lose, this should be good enough for me. Ibig sabihin, sa dami ng magagaling na estudyante sa buong Pilipinas, I was placed second in the biggest and most anticipated convention.

"For our last question . . ."

Even though the room was well-ventilated, beads of sweat formed on my temples. I knew I wasn't afraid of failing; I was afraid of taking away my dad's beautiful, proud smile.

My greatest desire was that he would look upon me with pride and honor. . . parang ang bigat sa akin kung mababawi agad 'yon.

"The driver who goes beyond the posted speed limit is given a ticket by a law enforcement officer. Which one of the four quadrants of operant conditioning does this fall into?"

I answered positive punishment immediately. Alam kong tama ang magiging sagot ni Leon dahil siya pa mismo ang nag-explain noon sa akin. He said that the "positive" in the idea of "positive punishment" doesn't mean it's good. He explained it to me in a way that I would understand it easily. Ang positive ay plus sign kaya ang ibig sabihin noon ay i-a-add ang pinaka-punishment. The perfect example he gave me was that if I misbehaved, I might have to wash more plates.

"Both of you got the right answer!" the host said. "Matatapos ba tayo rito, guys?"

Kasabay ng tawanan ng mga tao sa paligid ay ang muling pagbangon ng kaba sa dibdib ko. Alam kong hindi papayag ang organizers na dalawa kaming mananalo. The prize money for this competition was over thirty thousand. Bukod pa ang iuuwi naming thirty thousand din mula sa pagkapanalo sa group quiz bee. If Leon and I both won, the prize would either be doubled or we would split it in half.

Malaking pera 'yon para sa amin. Kapag nanalo siya, puwede siyang bumili ng mga kailangan niya pang libro o kaunting pananim para sa lupa nila. Kapag naman ako ang nanalo, gagamitin ko iyon sa mga gastusin namin sa bahay.

But then, I was sure that winning the money was trivial for me because all I had ever wanted was to live up to my father's expectations.

"Last question, hopefully . . ." sabi ng host. "Ito 'yong paniniwala natin na mahal lang tayo ng iba kapag may nakukuha sila sa 'tin at mahalaga lang tayo kapag naibibigay natin 'yong gusto nila."

As if on cue, my attention shifted to my father, who was seated among the most prominent people in the room.

"We believe that our parents will adore us if we get good grades. They will look after us, but only if we can be something of a trophy for them. They'll acknowledge us, but only if we continue to behave like a good dog and do everything they say."

With my hands trembling, I wrote down conditions of worth.

Parang balang tumanim iyon sa puso ko. I never saw myself as someone who was worthy because even my birth was a mistake.

Kaya ayos lang sa akin kung kailangan kong mag-aral nang mabuti para makatanggap ng papuri. Okay lang sa akin kung maging display trophy lang ako basta maramdaman kong ipinagmamalaki ako. I grew up being deprived of attention and love . . . at gagawin ko ang lahat para makuha 'yon sa mga taong pinapahalagahan ko.

"Ms. Mendoza got the correct answer! At long last, we have a winner!"

Gulat akong napatingin sa whiteboard ni Leon. It was blank.

Tatanungin ko na sana siya kung bakit wala siyang sagot nang papuntahin na ako ng host sa unahan kasama ang mga VIP. They immediately awarded me with a framed certificate, and my father personally gave me a gold medal for my success.

"Thanks for not disappointing me," he whispered cautiously to me as he put the medal around my neck. "You've accomplished our goal."

I waited for a moment, thinking he would tell me he was proud of me . . . but he didn't.

My emotions were all over the place because everything happened so quickly. Napako ang tingin ko kay Leon na bahagyang nakangiti at pumapalakpak para sa akin kasama ang ibang estudyante. Ms. Lubrica and Zoey were yelling out my name and exclaiming how proud they were of me.

Minsan pala, sa iba mo talaga mahahanap ang mga bagay na gusto mong makita o marinig mula sa mga taong pinapahalagahan mo.

I sighed. Ano bang iniaarte mo, Amari? Hindi porke't nakita mong nakangiti ang tatay mo sa 'yo ay aasa ka nang yayayain ka niyang mag-dinner, magpapakilala siya sa mga kaibigan mo at magpapasalamat dahil inalagaan ka . . . o bibigyan ka niya ng mahigpit na yakap.

This should be enough.

My struggle of studying so hard that it almost drained my body was worth it because at least . . . my father wasn't disappointed.

And so, while everyone was clapping for me, I took a deep breath and allowed myself to take in the pride of winning.

Ms. Lubrica threw a celebration for us that night. Nagpabili siya ng alak sa bayan at ibinalik sa ayos ang picnic blanket.

"Bakit blangko ang sagot mo?" tanong ko kay Leon habang nagsasalin ng beer sa baso ko.

He rolled his eyes jokingly. "Are you rubbing your victory on my face?"

I chuckled. "Did I just get lucky that you didn't know the answer?"

He gulped down his drink. "Obviously."

"Yabang." I scoffed.

Dalawang oras na kaming nag-iinom nang pumasok ako sa loob ng kubo para kunin ang cellphone ko. Zoey was talking nonstop, and I thought I could sneak out to go to the hill.

But when I opened the door to our room, my reviewers' mess cracked me up. Nandoon lahat sa mesa kung saan ako nag-aral kagabi hanggang kaninang umaga. Hindi ko pala naayos.

So, instead of just getting my phone, I walked towards it to start cleaning. Inisa-isa ko ang bawat papel at napangiti. Everything was here. 'Yong mga inaral namin ni Leon at paulit-ulit na idiniscuss sa amin ni Ms. Lubrica.

For some reason, my heart felt light when I saw Leon's handwriting on my notepad. It was a list of terms I needed to keep in mind.

Habang binabasa iyon ay parang may sumasakal sa dibdib ko. Sa ilang araw naming magkasama, kahit ilang libong beses kong itanggi, alam kong napalapit ang loob ko sa kanya.

He made me feel seen in his presence. Kahit wala akong sabihin, parang alam niya kung kailan ko kailangan ng tulong. He showered me with the rain of his efforts without expecting even a single drop in return. Hindi niya hinahayaang malipasan ako ng gutom at sinisigurado niyang maayos lagi ang lagay ko. He would do every little thing for me . . . kahit hindi ko hilingin.

He had filled my heart to the brim with so much care that just for a few days . . . just a few days . . . I didn't remember the feeling of being alone. Kasi lagi niya akong sinasamahan. Sa pagsakay sa bus, sa paghahanap ng signal, sa pag-aaral . . . sa pag-iyak.

Oh god, what am I admitting to myself now?

I shook my head slightly and continued reading, but just as I was about to turn the next page of my notepad, I saw something that moved me to the core of my being painfully.

Conditions of worth

My hands trembled as I traced his handwriting, unwanted thoughts flooding my head. On the next page, he had written out the term's definition in full, with examples, and it was almost identical to the question that had been asked earlier.

I forced myself to stand up and ran out the door, taking the notepad along with me. Binabalot ng takot ang puso ko habang naglalakad papunta kay Leon na ngayon ay nakatayo sa dalampasigan at pinapanood ang dagat.

He knew the answer. He knew the right answer, but he left his whiteboard blank on purpose! I knew I couldn't beat him, bakit nga ba ako nakampante na natalo ko siya nang ganoon kadali!?

Pagkalapit na pagkalapit ko sa kanya ay ibinato ko sa kanya ang notepad ko dahilan para mapaharap siya sa akin.

I was panting and my chest felt tight as I ran out of breath. Para akong napaglaruan. He was clapping for me in the crowd earlier, and I was taking pride in the achievement, not knowing that he had paved the way for my victory.

Hindi ako totoong nanalo. Pinagbigyan niya lang ako.

"Alam mo 'yong sagot, 'di ba?" I asked, controlling my anger.

Kaaamin ko lang sa sarili ko na nahuhulog na ako sa kanya . . . tapos ito agad ang malalaman ko? Akala niya ba matutuwa ako dahil sa ginawa niya?

He took a quick look at the notepad before picking it up. "Kung alam ko, dapat isinulat ko."

My vision suddenly became blurry. Nahihiya ako sa lahat. Nahihiya ako sa sarili ko. That was the proudest I've had so far in my life and to think that I only got it because someone stepped out for me to win . . . I must have looked like a fucking idiot.

"Alam mo 'yong sagot, Leon," nanghihinang ulit ko.

He was taken aback, most likely by the way I addressed him.

"Hindi nga . . ."

A tear escaped my eye. "Putangina, alam mo 'yong sagot!"

He looked unsure of what to do. Just then, he moved closer to me, placing his hand on my knuckles. "Bakit umiiyak ka?" His voice was quivering with worry. "We both know you won because you did your best."

I yanked his hand away from mine harshly. "Sinungaling ka! Naawa ka lang sa 'kin kaya nagparaya ka! Nand'yan sa notepad! Sinulat mo! Kumpletong-kumpleto!"

Umiling siya at lalong lumamlam ang mga mata. "I had a mental block . . ."

"Talaga ba? Gagawin mo 'kong tanga?" My voice trembled. "Hindi mo ba naisip na mas gugustuhin ko pang matalo at marinig na dismayado ang tatay ko sa 'kin kaysa ang isipin ng lahat na nanalo ako?"

He stood back and watched me lash out, probably not knowing what to say.

"Bakit, Leon?"

"Let's calm down—"

I shook my head. "Bakit mo nga ginawa 'yon?! Hindi ka naman mayaman! Kailangan mo rin 'yong pera!"

"Nakainom ka. You should slee—"

"Not until you tell me your reason! Bakit, ha? Sinadya mo ba 'to para magmukha akong tanga sa harap mo? Ano?! Masayang-masaya ka bang panoorin akong magyabang suot 'yong putanginang gintong medal na 'yon habang iniisip na kaya lang naman ako 'yong nanalo kasi pinagbigyan mo 'ko!"

He sighed. "No . . . alam mong hindi ko 'yan gagawin sa 'yo."

"Then why, Leon?!" I was so mad that he wouldn't admit a thing! "Do you like me?!"

His lips parted, his eyes widening a fraction.

Laughing bitterly, I shook my head. "Those two are the only possible reasons why you let me win."

We were completely immersed in silence. Sa tagal ay bumalik ang normal na paghinga ko. Ang hangin na humahaplos sa balat ko ay unti-unti akong pinakalma. Hindi ko alam kung nasaan sina Ms. Lubrica at Zoey pero ipinagpasalamat ko na hindi nila nakita ang ginawa ko. At mas lalong hindi ko rin alam kung kaya kong sabihin sa kanila na nagparaya lang si Leon para sa akin.

"I have no feelings for you," he said clearly, breaking the silence . . . and a piece of my heart.

Para akong natauhan sa sinabi niya Now I'm not sure which is more painful — hearing him admit he paved the way for me or hearing him say he didn't like me. He was staring at me, and all I could see was the heartbreaking sincerity that was etched in his eyes.

"Are you being honest?" I whispered so lightly I could barely hear myself.

He gave me a forthright nod, crushing my heart over again. "You can calm down now."

"Are you . . . really being honest?" tanong ko ulit.

I wasn't sure if it was about the quiz bee anymore.

He sighed. "Walang dahilan para pagbigyan kitang manalo kasi hindi kita gusto."

It was like a cue to me. I smiled weakly and finally had the courage to turn my back on him . . . to turn my back on the feelings I had for him.