Last Chapter

Warning: R-18

"Umuna ka na mamaya," Leon told me while he was getting ready for work.

Mula sa librong binabasa ay nailipat ko ang tingin sa kanya. He was facing the mirror, brushing his hair.

"We'll not go together?"

Lumingon siya sa akin, marahil ay napansin ang pagtatampo sa boses ko.

"We can't. Mala-late ka kapag sa 'kin ka sumabay. My class ends at 4, and you have to be at the venue at 1, right?"

Napanguso ako. "Then I'll tell Shaira I'll be late. Hindi naman ako kailangang-kailangan do'n. We can even go at 4. 'Yon naman talaga ang oras ng start."

He shook his head as he furrowed his brow.

"You promised the officers of the org that you'd help the committees supervise the decorations, Amari," striktong saad niya. "Magkikita naman tayo ro'n. Susunod din ako agad after class."

I put my head down and dropped the book on my lap.

Ngayon ang grand reunion ng batch namin at pinlano ko na sa utak ko na sabay kaming pupunta roon ni Leon. I wanted to make fun of Shaira and Thaddeus who didn't know we had gotten back together. Kung hindi lang siya nagkaroon ng biglaang trabaho sa VDMH ay hindi niya na sana kailangang i-reschedule ang pasok niya sa graduate school. The original schedule was this morning. Sabay sana kaming makakapunta sa venue ng 1.

"Hey."

I sighed. I knew I was being shallow. Walang dahilan para magtampo ako dahil wala namang matibay na rason para magsabay kami. Isa pa, hindi niya naman kasalanan na marami siyang ginagawa. Kung alam ko lang ay hindi na sana ako nag-volunteer na mag-assist sa decorations dahil may kinuha rin namang event organizer.

"Galit ka sa 'kin?" tanong ni Leon. Ni hindi ko namalayang nasa gilid na siya ng inuupuan kong couch.

I shook my head before grabbing the book on my lap.

"Ingat ka," walang tinging saad ko sa kanya.

Naglakad siya papunta sa harap ko at hinalikan ang tuktok ng ulo ko.

"I love you," he whispered.

I pouted even more. I was acting like a spoiled brat, and he responded well to it. Nakakahiya ang kababawan ko.

"I'll see you later. Text me when you leave, okay?"

Isang beses akong tumango. Marahan naman siyang napatawa bago ginulo ang buhok ko.

"Someone's being clingy."

I gritted my teeth. "I'm not clingy, Leon."

Muli siyang tumawa kaya lalo akong napasimangot. He was clearly having fun while I was sulking! I knew I was shallow, but he shouldn't have mocked me for it! Gusto ko lang namang sabay kaming magpunta sa venue para makita nina Shaira at Thaddeus na kami na ulit . . . at para mapuri kami ng mga ka-batch namin na . . . na matibay ang relasyon namin!

Sure, we could just tell or show everyone that we were still together, but I pictured us walking into the school gym holding hands! Alam kong hindi namin kailangang ianunsyo ang relasyon namin . . . pero ewan ko ba! I wanted people to tell me I was a lucky girl! I wanted everyone to know that the batch valedictorian was still in love with me after all these years!

"Aalis na 'ko. I already cooked your lunch. Make sure to eat before you leave."

"Yeah, sure . . ."

"Are you serious?"

Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya. Nasa pinto na siya at kunot-noong nakabaling sa direksyon ko.

"What?" I asked.

"Galit ka?"

Umiling ako. "Don't mind me. It's just my immature side showing up. I'll work on it."

"Are you sure?" paninimbang niya.

I nodded, giving him a small smile. "Take care."

He seemed reluctant to leave, but I gestured for him to go ahead and leave so that he wouldn't be late. Nang tuluyang makalabas ay sinilip ko siya sa bintana hanggang sa sumakay siya ng sasakyan. I sulked the entire time, knowing that we wouldn't be able to go to the school gym together where the grand reunion would be held.

Ginawa ko na lang ang mga pending na trabaho habang hinihintay ang oras. Nag-text na si Shaira sa akin na on the way na siya sa school at bilisan ko raw ang kilos ko.

I decided to wear a pair of high-waisted denim jeans to emphasize my curves and paired them with a black sweetheart neckline velvet top. I also curled the ends of my bob cut to clear the way for my firm jawline and high cheekbones. Hindi na ako nag-abalang maglagay ng maraming make up sa mukha ko. I just brushed my eyebrows into an arch and put on red lipstick.

When I checked myself in the mirror, I couldn't help but think of what Ms. Lubrica had told me before. Ang sabi niya ay well-defined daw ang features ko. I mean, yeah, it was true. My eyes, lashes, cheeks, jaws, nose, and lips started clearly defined, but as time went on, I noticed that they sharpened up even more.

Unlike my friends, I didn't have the most outstanding feature on my face. Mill's pixie haircut and fiery hazel green eyes gave her an appearance of seductive allure. She had snow-white skin as well. Si Karsen naman ay hindi nakakasawang titigan dahil inosenteng-inosente ang ganda niya. Her smile and little chuckles could easily turn her from a blank canvas into a work of art. And Kat, as opposed to modern beauty, possessed a more traditional look. She had the most beautiful, long black hair, and her expressive gray eyes were sure to get everyone's attention. Habang tinititigan siya ay lalo siyang gumaganda.

As for me, I possessed nice features that harmonized well with each other but lacked one thing I could call my asset. Wala akong strongest point . . . or maybe it was my full lips. Still, kung hindi ako mag-aayos ay baka ni hindi ako lingunin ni Leon.

"Queen, dito!" tawag sa akin ni Shaira nang makarating ako sa school gym.

I walked over to the table where she and the other people in our batch were sitting. Kita ko agad ang pagbaling sa akin ng ilang kaklase na nagboluntaryo rin sa pag-aayos ng decors.

"Mari?" sabi ng papalapit na si Maricar. "Mari!"

Halos malukot ako sa higpit ng yakap niya sa akin. Hindi ko pa man nararating ang mesa ay sinalubong na ako ng mga kakilala.

"Hindi ka tumatanda! Grabe, bigtime na bigtime ka talaga!" sigaw pa ni Karen, dating kaklase.

"Pride ka ng school na 'to, jusko! May pinsan akong psychology student ngayon dito at talagang kilala ka niya kahit na napakalayo na ng batch nila sa 'tin!" I could remember her as Ms. Gayahan, but I didn't really know her name.

"Ilang taon ka sa Italy? Buti naman at nakapunta ka na! Sana maging aktibo ka rin. Marami kaming activities every quarter."

"Hindi kita nakilala sa buhok mo!"

Hindi ako makasabay sa usapan nila. I was overwhelmed with everything. Marami-rami na rin kasi silang nandito. Gaya nga ng sinabi ni Maricar, maraming ka-batch namin ang aktibo sa mga ganitong bagay.

Most of them remained friends. Kapag hindi abala sa personal na buhay ay pumupunta pa sila sa mga nasasalanta ng iba't ibang kalamidad para tumulong. Marami na rin kasi sa amin ang registered psychologist. They offered psychological first aid to the survivors.

"Hoy, paupuin n'yo naman muna ang kaibigan ko!" bulyaw ni Shaira.

I chuckled at that. Sinamahan nila akong maglakad patungo sa mesa habang inuulan pa rin ako ng mga tanong.

"Nagtrabaho ka sa PAI, 'di ba? Hiring ba sila?"

"Nako, Karen! Tigilan mo ang pangangarap at hindi ka makakapasok do'n!"

Muli akong napatawa. "Kapag nagkaroon ng job opening, sasabihan kita. I'm still working for them now. Online set-up."

"Shet, ang sarap ng work from home!"

Maricar grunted. "Hindi rin. Depende sa oras. Kadalasan ay panggabi ang shift dahil sa time difference. Masarap lang ang ganoon kapag wala kang anak na inaalagaan!"

"I'm not married yet, so . . ." Nagkibit-balikat ako. "Mas madali sa akin 'yong ganitong set-up."

Namilog ang mata ng ilang kasama namin. Kahit ang mga nag-s-skirting ng mga upuan ay napalingon sa akin.

"What?" I asked.

"Iilan na lang kayong hindi pa kasal sa batch natin. Nakakagulat lang," sagot ni Karen.

"Hindi pa rin naman ako kasal!" singit ni Shaira. "Live-in lang kami ni Deus," sabay tawa.

Pabirong umakbay sa akin si Maricar. "Ang mga ganitong tipo ng babae, hindi puwedeng putchu-putchu lang ang mapapangasawa! Siguradong pila ang manliligaw nito."

Umiling ako. I don't remember ever entertaining a suitor. Si Leon lang.

"Kung single ka pala, open for reto ka ba?" natatawang tanong ng isa sa mga nag-aayos ng upuan.

Hihindi na sana ako nang maunahan akong umimik ni Shaira.

"Please!" ekseheradang aniya. "May iba sana akong gusto para sa kanya kaso mukhang hihintayin pa ang pagbabalik ni Hesus bago kumilos!"

Pinanlisikan ko siya ng mata. She really couldn't keep her mouth shut!

"Sino?" tanong ni Karen. "Ang tanda ko, ex mo si Leon, 'di ba?"

"Leon Zamora?" usisa ng isa pa naming ka-batch. "'Yong Summa Cum Laude?"

"Oo, ah! Ini-announce pa ang pangalan ni Mari no'ng nag-speech siya!"

Dinampot ko ang cutter sa mesa na gusto ko sanang isaksak sa mga leeg nila pero huminga lang ako nang malalim at tumulong sa pagcu-cut ng styrofoam na hindi ko alam kung saan gagamitin. May pattern naman na susundan kaya ginaya ko na lang ang ginagawa ni Shaira.

"Nagkagusto rin si Paolo sa 'yo, 'di ba? Doctor na 'yon, ah? Pumasa sa licensure exam."

Humalakhak si Shaira. "Maraming nagkagusto rito no'ng college pero wala siyang kaalam-alam! Ang sungit kasi!"

Siniko ko siya. "Imbento ka na naman . . ."

"Seryoso ako, 'no! Focused ka kay Leon noon kaya hindi mo napapansin. Dense ka pa naman sa mga nagpapalipag-hangin sa 'yo."

Ngumuso ako. "Malamang. Si Leon ang boyfriend ko. Kanino ako magfo-focus?"

She rolled her eyes before turning her attention to the decorations.

"Ex na lang? Wala nang chance? Sayang din kayo. Bagay na bagay . . ."

"Hind—"

"Oo, break na! Pikon na pikon pa rin ako hanggang ngayon!" putol sa akin ni Shaira. "Sana ay pumunta si Leon! Ipa-realize natin sa shungang 'yon kung sino ang isinasantabi niya!"

Not wanting to prolong their gossips, I just shrugged. Bahala kayo sa buhay n'yo! Ayaw n'yo akong pasingitin? Magulat na lang kayo mamaya pagdating ng boyfriend ko!

Naging taga-pakinig na lang ako ng usapan. Minsan ay sumasali ako sa kwentuhan kapag tungkol sa trabaho, pero kapag tugkol sa love life ay nananahimik na ako. Maricar even talked about her sex life openly. Wala rin namang lalaki sa paligid kaya malaya silang nakakapagtawanan.

"Iba ang nagagawa ng sex sa relasyon, 'no! Parang mas nagiging intimate kayo ng partner mo talaga," aniya pa. "Mabuti nga at nag-family planning kami ni mister! Regular ang pagta-take ko ng pills dahil regular din talaga ang . . ." She wiggled her brows.

Rinig ko ang pagtawa ni Shaira sa tabi ko.

"Sabi nila nakaka-blooming 'yon. Ano'ng nangyari sa 'yo?" pang-aasar niya.

"Ikaw ang mag-alaga ng dalawang anak, gaga!" Sumimangot si Maricar. "Palibhasa, mukhang wala nang pakialam si Thaddeus sa 'yo at hindi ka na ginagalaw!"

"Excuse me?! Hindi ako kayang i-resist no'n, 'no! Invite kita minsan! Panoorin mo kami nang live!"

"Parang mga bata . . ." natatawang saad ng isang babae sa mesa namin na hindi ko na rin matandaan ang pangalan. "Dati, hiyang-hiya kapag nalamang hindi na virgin pero ngayon, nakakahiya na ang walang experience?!"

Yumuko ako para hindi nila makita ang pagsimangot ko. Paano ay naalala ko na naman ang pang-aasar nina Mill at Karsen sa akin noong nalaman nilang wala pang nangyayari sa amin ni Leon!

"Ang sarap kasi sa pakiramdam kapag alam mong naaakit pa sa 'yo ang partner mo," sabi naman ni Karen.

"Totoo!" si Maricar. "Napapangitan pa nga ako minsan sa sarili ko kapag hindi ako pinapansin ng asawa ko."

"Kapag sexy time, feel na feel mo talagang ang ganda mo," pagsang-ayon ni Shaira. "Hay, Deus. Later ka sa 'kin."

Nakuyom ko ang kamao. Hindi ako maka-relate sa pinag-uusapan nila. Lalo tuloy akong natahimik.

At that moment, I started to wonder if Leon didn't think I was beautiful. Hindi ko alam kung dapat ko bang lagyan ng ibang kulay ang hindi namin . . . pagtatalik. I mean, sure, he was being respectful, and he believed that sex was a gift for married couples only, but after living under the same roof for so long . . . hindi ko maiwasang mag-isip. Totoo bang nirerespeto niya ako o ayaw niya lang talagang gawin ang bagay na iyon sa 'kin?

Maybe I wasn't attractive enough for him. O baka naman . . . kulang ako sa lambing? Sa pagpapakita ng pagmamahal ko sa kanya? I don't know. Hindi ko naman 'to para diretsong masabi sa kanya dahil magmumukha lang akong uhaw sa sex!

"Ikaw, Mari?"

Namilog ang mga mata ko. Anong ako? Alam ba nilang hindi pa kami nagtatalik ni Leon?!

Maricar laughed. "Hindi mo ba naitaas ang bandila natin sa Italya?!"

I didn't know that this was a typical subject of conversation. I thought it was too private and shouldn't have been shared with just anyone. But I guess that things have already changed. Gaya nga ng sabi ng isang ka-batch namin . . . parang kahihiyan na ang umabot sa ganitong edad na walang ganoong karanasan.

I just shook my head, upset by the subject. Hindi ko alam kung saan nanggagaling ang inis ko. Sa pagtatanong ba nila o sa katotohanang wala akong maikukwento.

In my opinion, sex between consenting adults is fine as long as it is not forced upon either partner. The idea that women should remain virgins until marriage originated in our culture and grew as the norm over time. Walang kaso sa akin kung magpapakasal kami ni Leon na virgin ako o hindi. As long as I made it with him, I would be okay.

Still, wala rin namang masama kung wala pang karanasan tungkol doon . . . regardless of age. Hindi ko dapat bini-big deal ito. Leon had made it clear to me that we'd only do that after we tied the knots. Nakakahiya namang i-bring up ko sa kanya ang tungkol dito.

"Dalagang Pilipina 'to," may pagmamalaki sa boses ni Shaira.

Pinanood ko ang reaksyon ng mga kasama at pansin ko ang gulat sa mga mata nila. Some just smiled with a bit of approval on their faces.

"Talaga? Hina pala ni Leon."

Nagtawanan sila sa sinabi ni Maricar. I forced a smile, too.

"I mean, no offense, okay? Matagal kong naging kaibigan 'yon at nasaksihan ko naman kung paano siya lapitan ng mga babae noon. He was the mysterious type . . . kaya lalong napupukaw ang interes ng iba," sabi niya pa. "Mabarkada pero madalas ay tahimik. I often picture men like him to be aggressive. Parang nasa loob ang kulo, ganoon. So . . . I guess I just didn't expect him to be a gentleman type. Wala sa awra ng mukha niya."

"Napakabait no'n, 'no! Kung ako lang ang magdedesisyon sa buhay ng kaibigan kong 'to, siguradong si Leon ang ipakakasal ko!" wika ni Shaira.

I scoffed. Si Leon naman talaga ang pakakasalan ko kahit na hindi siya ang magdesisyon sa akin.

Hindi na nasundan ang usaping iyon bagaman tumimo sa isip ko ang usaping pagtatalik. Pakiramdam ko kasi ay may mali pa akong ginagawa. I tried not to dwell on the idea that I wasn't beautiful enough to get his attention, but it kept coming back to me. Baka nagsasawa na siya sa mukha at katawan ko kaya hindi na siya naaakit sa akin.

Maybe I should work out every day instead of just three to five times a week. Gusto rin ni Leon kapag pula ang lipstick ko dahil napapansin ko ang pagtitig niya rito kapag ganoon ang ayos ko. He told me it suited my lips. Kailangan kong mas maging mapanuri kung kailan siya nagagandahan sa akin . . . o kung nagagandahan pa nga siya sa akin.

We continued decorating the tables, chairs, and stage. Patuloy ang usapan ng mga batchmates ko tungkol sa kanya-kanyang ganap sa buhay. Mabuti nga at hindi mainit sa lugar dahil sa malalaking industrial ceiling fans. Hindi na rin naging problema ang pagkain dahil may kinuha namang caterers. May mga alak pa ngang binili ang sponsors kung sakaling gustong mag-inom ng ilang magpapaiwan.

Nagsimula nang magdatingan ang ilang kaklase. Nagpalitan kami ng pagbati at kaunting kumustahan. Gaya ng reaksyon ng mga kasama ko kanina ay nagulat din sila sa pagdalo ko kahit pa nagsabi naman na ako sa officers na pupunta nga ako.

"Si Leon!"

Agad na lumipad ang tingin ko sa entrance ng school gym para makita ang kasintahan. Pero mabilis din ang pagkunot ng noo ko nang mapansing may kausap siyang babae.

"Uy, sino 'yon?" usisa ni Karen na pinapanood din ang dalawa.

"Hindi natin 'yan ka-batch. Hindi ko kilala, eh," saad ni Maricar.

I looked at my colleagues and noticed that some of them were watching Leon and the girl. They looked amused because Leon wasn't too fond of talking to other people.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit may kung anong kumirot sa dibdib ko nang ibalik ko ang tingin sa dalawa. I just stared at Leon while he was talking to a woman who I think was about two or three years younger than us. They were serious and professional, but given the ideas running through my head, I couldn't help but be jealous.

Maganda ang kausap niya at balingkinitan ang katawan. It was my first time seeing her . . . but I was thinking she was a teacher working here, base na rin sa unipormeng suot niya. Marahil ay hindi ko lang siya nakadaupang-palad dahil hindi naman ako naging regular dito. Nagturo lang talaga ako para sa review ng board exams ng mga psychology students.

Leon then turned to look at me, but I just dropped my eyes to my cellphone. Ni wala manlang siyang text na papunta na siya. Hindi na nga kami nagsabay . . . hindi pa siya nag-u-update. Siguro ay nakalimutan niya na ako sa dami ng ginagawa.

"Leon, hinihintay ka na nina Thaddeus do'n sa kabila," saad ni Shaira.

Hindi ako nag-angat ng tingin. I knew he was just near our table.

"Amari."

I almost shivered at his baritone. Pansin ko ang pananahimik ng mga kasama ko. Kahit sina Shaira, Maricar, at Karen na maingay na nagkukwentuhan ay napatigil para tumingin sa amin. And so, without much haste, I turned my head and gave Leon a casual glance.

"Yes?"

Nagsalubong ang kilay niya.

I pursed my lips at how immature I was. Alam kong hindi tamang pagbuntunan ko siya ng inis dahil lang sa mga iniisip ko . . . pero ewan ko ba! I was annoyed! Magso-sorry naman ako mamaya . . . I just wanted some time to be frustrated!

"Let's just talk later. Umupo ka na ro'n," I said, dismissing him.

Lalong lumalim ang kunot sa noo niya. Ilang segundo pa siyang tumitig sa akin bago pairap na tumingin sa mesa ng mga kaibigan niya. He nudged the tip of his tongue on the insides of his cheeks, obviously agitated by the situation.

Napanguso na lang ako at dahan-dahang ibinalik ang mata sa cellphone. This was supposed to be a happy day for us, but I was messing things up.

The event started shortly after that. Walang naging tanong sina Shaira at ang mga kasama ko sa table tungkol doon kahit na batid ko ang kagustuhan nilang mangusisa. I just sat there with my arms crossed, staring at the stage, and wishing desperately for everything to be over.

Walang dahilan para magselos ako. Wala ring dahilan para isipin kong hindi nagagandahan sa akin si Leon. Alam ko lahat ng 'yon . . . kaya hindi ko maintindihan ang sarili kung bakit ako nag-iinarte! What if Leon got sick of my attitude again? Nakakahiya. Lagi na lang siya ang nag-a-adjust sa 'kin.

From: Zamora

What's up with you?

Dinaga ang dibdib ko nang matanggap ang message na iyon. I took a quick look at him and got even more nervous when I saw that he was looking at me intently.

To: Zamora

Don't mind me.

From: Zamora

I can't just do that, Mendoza. You've been acting weird since this morning.

I bit my lower lip as I felt a pang of guilt.

To: Zamora

I'm being immature. I'm sorry.

From: Zamora

It has a root cause. Tell me what's bothering you.

To: Zamora

Mamaya na lang. I don't want to ruin the mood.

Natagalan siya bago mag-reply kaya muli akong napatingin sa kanya. He looked mad, even though the people at his table seemed to be having fun. Kinakausap siya ni Thaddeus ngunit sa akin mariin ang tingin niya.

From: Zamora

You want to keep our relationship a secret.

Namilog ang mga mata ko sa sagot niya. It wasn't even a question! Talagang nag-conclude na siya! Ako nga 'tong gustong sabay kaming pumunta rito nang . . . magkahawak-kamay! Para ipakita sa lahat na kami pa rin! I wanted to shout out that he was my boyfriend and be proud of it! Hindi gaya noong college kami na pribado ang relasyon namin! I mean, it was better that way, but . . . I wanted to broadcast my love for him!

To: Zamora

Where did you get that, Leon?

I didn't know what was going on inside his head right now. Lalo tuloy akong nabahala. I don't want him mad at me . . . kaya hindi ako nagsasabi ng kahit ano. I wanted to calm down first because my thoughts were jumbled up. My insecurities were getting to me, at hindi tamang siya ang tumanggap ng inis ko sa sarili.

Hindi na siya nagreply kaya mabigat ang loob kong inilagay ang cellphone sa bag. I knew I was being shallow again. Pagod si Leon at ganitong ugali pa ang ipinakikita ko.

"Pahangin lang ako sa labas," pagpapaalam ko kay Shaira bago tumayo.

Hindi ko na hinintay na makasagot pa siya. The gym's lights were now on, and they blinded me as I left the premises.

"Amari?"

Napatingin ako kay Ms. Lubrica nang makasalubong ko siya. Parang papasok sa loob ng gym.

"Amari . . . it's nice to see you," she said slowly. "Mabuti at nakapunta ka."

I took a few deep breaths, letting the haze of the early evening settle into my lungs. The sun hadn't gone down all the way yet, so it wasn't too dark outside, but I could tell that night would soon be upon us.

"Yes, ma'am. Actually, kanina pa po ako nand'yan. Nag-decor po kami."

Hindi natanggal ang ngiti niya. She looked at me with a bit of surprise and happiness in her eyes, as if she couldn't believe what she was seeing.

"Ma'am?"

Napapiksi ako nang ilagay niya ang kamay sa kaliwang balikat ko.

"It is really, really nice to see you, Amari."

The sincerity in her words instantly brought a warm fuzzy feeling to my chest. Only then did I realize that she'd been there with me from the start and that she still served as a driving force behind all I could do now. Siya ang isa sa mga unang naniwala sa akin . . . at hanggang ngayon, nandito pa rin siya.

"Thank you, ma'am," I said with the utmost honesty.

"You reminded me so much of why I was in this field. I'm sorry. I'm just so proud of what you've become." She heaved a sigh. "Kung may oras ka minsan, dalawin mo 'ko sa bahay, okay? I'll cook for you."

I didn't know what had gotten to me that I took a step closer and just embraced her. Nanumbalik sa akin ang lahat ng itinuro niya at lahat ng kabutihang ginawa niya sa akin. She always asked me how I was feeling before. Sa mga klase niya, hindi ko nagiging problema ang pagtulog dahil hindi niya ako pinapagalitan. It was as if she knew I was tired. She silently rooted for me from the sidelines. Kahit hindi ko madalas marinig. Kahit madalas ay hindi ko napapansin. She helped me fall in love with psychology and watched as I grew in the field.

Ms. Lubrica felt like a mother to me. She believed in me even when I thought I couldn't make it.

"Maraming salamat po, ma'am," bulong ko. "Dadalaw po ako sa inyo lagi."

Hindi agad siya pumasok sa loob ng gym. We took a seat on a bench outside and just casually talked to each other. She asked me about Psyche, so I informed her that my friend was still getting better. Sinabi ko rin sa kanya ang tungkol sa pagdo-doctorate ko at masayang-masaya siya sa pagtimo ng mga itinuro niya sa akin. I told her about my favorite lessons I learned from her and some of the words she said that resonated with me.

"Do you mind me asking . . ." she stalled a bit.

"Ano po 'yon, ma'am?"

"I saw Leon behind you earlier. Parang susundan ka," she said. "May naabala ba 'ko?"

Napakurap ako sa tanong niya. Agad na lumipad ang tingin ko sa entrance ng gym at nakitang wala namang tao roon. From where we were sitting, only the faint traces of music and laughter could be heard.

"Wala po, ma'am," saad ko. "May maliit na misunderstanding lang po. Kasalanan ko naman."

She chuckled. "Really? I had no idea you guys were back together. Akala ko ay buong buhay na lang matotorpe si Leon."

"Hindi naman po 'yon torpe . . ." I almost lost my voice while talking. Hindi naman kasi talaga. May ibang paraan lang siya para makuha ang loob ko. "At saka, ako rin naman po ang madalas na may maling nagagawa sa kanya kaya natakot na sigurong sumubok ulit. Buti nga po at tinanggap niya pa rin ako."

"Because he saw something good in you that you don't see in yourself, Amari," she replied.

"But the thing I'm only good at is fighting him, ma'am." Tumawa ako. "Kaya ngayon nga po, as much as possible, I want to meet him halfway. Sagabal lang po talaga 'yong ugali ko minsan . . . pero I'll do my best to work on it naman. I don't want Leon to break up with me."

Sumandal siya sa bench kaya ganoon din ang ginawa ko. This time, the darkness painted across the entire sky, and the stars looked like they'd been poked with the tips of brushes. Maliit, makinang, at tila wala sa ayos. They just kept gleaming where they were placed, as if someone had ordered them to.

"You know, I got closer to Leon these past few years. Simula noong nawala ang nanay niya, madalas ay ayaw niyang umuwi sa kanila. He'd come to my place and hang out for hours without saying a word. Tahimik na siya noon . . . pero pansin kong mas naging tahimik siya."

My attention was on her. It was the first time I had heard that. All this time, I only knew that Leon had faced his demons, but I had no idea how they showed themselves in his life.

"He kept a picture of you in his wallet, and I've seen how much he loved you. Kapag makakatulog siya sa sala, makikita ko lang na nakabukas 'yong pitaka niya sa dibdib niya. Doon ko lang mare-realize na . . . natulog siyang ikaw ang tinitingnan."

Hindi ko alam kung bakit may tanikalang sumakal sa dibdib ko. While I was busy forgetting about him, he remembered me.

"When I asked him about you . . . umiling lang siya." She sighed. "He then said he only loved two women, but he lost and failed them both."

I clenched my fist, not knowing what to say. Sabay kaming nawala ni Tita Leah sa buhay ni Leon. I couldn't even imagine how much pain he had been through.

"Kaya no'ng bumalik ka, gumawa ako ng paraan para magkita kayo."

Napatingin ako sa kanya.

She chuckled. "I can do the review on my own."

"Ma'am . . ."

"Takot si Leon na magkita ulit kayo. Kasi kahit marinig ang pangalan mo, ayaw niya." She shook her head. "I don't know what pushed him to start pursuing you again . . . pero no'ng nakita ko kung paano ka niya pagsilbihan tuwing kakain tayo sa faculty room, napagtanto kong hindi siya nagbago. I still remember seeing him serve you first before he started eating back then in Davao."

Hindi pa ako nakakapagsalita ay naramdaman ko ang marahang paghawak niya sa kamay ko.

"I know that you love him in your own way, but I hope you stick with him until the end. Hindi maiiwasan ang mga pagtatalo, pero sana, 'wag mong kalilimutang ipakita sa kanya na mas mabigat ang pagmamahalan n'yo kaysa sa anumang away na dadaan sa buhay n'yo. Love each other gently. You both had gone through many harsh things already."

Kaunting pag-uusap pa tungkol kay Leon bago kami pumasok sa gym. My heart was beating fast, and the thoughts going through my head made me nervous. Si Leon lagi ang nagsasabing mahal niya ako. Walang takot at walang pakialam kung sino ang makaririnig. He even announced it in his valedictory speech.

Hindi na ako nakasali sa kwentuhan ng mga ka-batch namin. Nang pumila na sa buffet para sa pagkain ay agad akong tumayo para kumuha ng dalawang pinggan.

"Wow, per plate ang bilangan tapos gan'yan ka kasakim," pang-aasar ni Shaira na hindi ko naman pinansin.

I held the plates as carefully as I could. Kita ko sa dulo si Leon na nakapila rin kaya bahagya akong lumayo kay Shaira.

"Saan ka na naman pupunta?" malakas ang boses na tanong niya.

I fixed my gaze on Leon. Hindi siya tumitingin sa akin. Talagang nagtatampo.

"To my boyfriend," I replied casually.

"Huh?!"

Hindi ko na siya sinagot at nagsimula nang maglakad papunta sa puwesto nina Leon. I knew that Shaira's squealed caught the attention of everyone near her.

"Ano raw?! Boyfriend?!" sigaw pa niya.

Sa lakas ng boses niya ay napatingin sa akin ang mga tao sa pila. Lalo lang dinaga ang dibdib ko. Hindi naman kasi malakas ang tugtog sa buong lugar para hindi ko marinig ang pangungusisa nila. Hindi pa nakatulong na sinisigawan din ako nina Maricar at Karen.

My heart felt like it was going to burst through my ribcage as the men around Leon looked at me. Kahit si Paolo na nasa dulo ng pila ay saka ko lang napansin. He had a small smile on his lips, and he looked more reserved now. I tore my gaze off him and continued walking toward my boyfriend. Nang tapikin siya ni Thaddeus ay saka lang siya napalingon sa akin.

Basa ko agad ang gulat sa mga mata niya nang makalapit ako.

"I don't plan to keep our relationship a secret, Zamora," I said, loud and clear enough for him to hear.

Halos mabingi ako sa tili ni Shaira at ng ilang babaeng sigurado akong mga kasama namin kanina sa table. Kahit ang mga lalaking nasa likuran ay nakisali sa pang-aasar.

Hindi ko sila pinansin. Iniabot ko lang kay Leon ang pinggan at tulala naman siyang kinuha ito mula sa 'kin.

"Sabay pa rin tayong uuwi, 'di ba?" masuyong tanong ko.

He clenched his jaw as he nodded. Still sulking, huh?

Kinagat ko ang labi ko bago tumingkayad at patakan siya ng halik sa pisngi.

"Thank you, love," I whispered.

Hindi ko na tiningnan ang reaksyon niya dahil sa hiya ko. I looked at no one as I walked through the crowd to get to my seat. Kung hindi ko pa maririnig ang pang-aasar nila kay Leon ay hindi ko ulit sila lilingunin.

"Namumula amputa!" sigaw ni Shaira. "Highschool ba kayo?!"

"Umalis ka na sa pila, Zamora! Naabutan na, eh!" tawa ng isang hindi ko kakilala na nasundan din agad ng mga asaran.

"Teka, starstruck pa!"

"Namumula talaga siya!"

"May emosyon ka pala?!"

And all those banters.

Hiyang-hiya ako sa ginawa ko lalo nang makabalik ang mga kasama ko sa table. They started asking me when we started dating again and why I hadn't said anything. Kahit si Shaira ay halos hindi ako tigilan. She said we shouldn't be friends anymore because I was keeping secrets from her! Parehong-pareho sila ni Mill na nanumbat pa dahil lang doon!

Nang i-announce ang after party ay tumingin lang ako sa direksyon ni Leon. We gave each other a meaningful look, and we knew right away that we wouldn't stay for drinks.

Tatayo na sana ako para lapitan siya nang tapikin niya si Thaddeus. I watched as he said goodbye to the men at his table, and I felt my cheeks heat up when they all gave me teasing and playful glances.

Hinigpitan ko ang kapit sa bag ko nang maglakad siya papunta sa 'kin. Sigurado at mabibigat ang hakbang. Dahil kami ang laman ng asaran kanina ay kitang-kita ko kung paanong lumingon ang batchmates namin sa kanya, tila ba naghihintay sa gagawin niya.

"Let's go."

Two words and the women at our table went frantic again. Of course, it was led by Shaira.

"Ang tagal n'yo na, grabe! Baka sa susunod na magkikita-kita tayo, sa kasal na, ha?"

"Bold of you to assume na invited ka, Maricar!"

"Whatever, Shai! Kahit hindi nila ako papuntahin ay pupunta ako!"

"Habol-habol na!" pang-aasar pa ng ilan. "May expiration ang matres!"

I gritted my teeth as I stood up. Ayan na naman ang topic na 'yan! Iniiwasan ko na ngang isipin, eh!

"We'll go ahead. May trabaho pa kami bukas."

"Saan ka mag-stay?" tanong ni Shaira.

I pointed at Leon using my lips. "Sa kanya."

I grew even grumpier when Maricar and Karen wiggled their brows at me, as if implying something sensual. Bago pa nila ako maasar ay lumapit na ako kay Leon na tahimik lang na hinihintay akong matapos. Nakita ko rin si Thaddeus na nakarating na pala sa table namin at kasalukuyang kinukumbinsi si Shaira na umuwi na rin. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung bakit gusto pang mag-stay rito ng babae! Parang hindi niya iniwan sa mga magulang ni Thaddeus ang anak niya!

Tahimik kami ni Leon sa kotse. I could hear my own heart beating because shame was washing over me. Ayoko lang namang isipin niya na ikinahihiya ko siya. Alam kong naging mababaw ako . . . pero hindi ko naman hahayaang matapos ang gabi na may pagtatampo pa rin siya sa akin.

But then, a few minutes went by and I ate my words again.

Paano ay hindi kami nag-usap hanggang sa makarating kami sa treehouse. Hindi ko maintindihan. I erased his doubts! I even walked up to him to show that I was proud to call him my boyfriend! Bakit galit pa rin siya? Nag-sorry din naman ako. Why was he avoiding me? Ayaw niya ba sa ginawa ko? Nainis ba siya dahil inaasar kami? But I wanted him to know he had gotted it all wrong! Hindi ko gustong isikreto ang relasyon namin!

Hanggang sa makapaglinis ako ng katawan ay naiiyak ako sa inis. He was extremely quiet, and I felt like he was still mad. Baka ayaw niya nga sa nangyari. How would I apologize again? What if he decided he didn't like my attitude and broke up with me? What if he grew tired of my immaturity and how I handled things?

I didn't want our night to end like this. Babalik na ako sa pad ko bukas at ilang araw na ulit bago kami magkita. Ayokong galit siya sa 'kin. I really hated the feeling it gave me.

Naupo ako sa kama habang pinanonood siyang kumilos. Katatapos niya lang din maligo kagaya ko. He was getting dressed for the night, so I asked him that one question that kept going through my head.

"Are you breaking up with me?"

Agad siyang napalingon sa akin.

"No! Of course not!" matigas na sagot niya.

"Then why are you giving me the silent treatment?"

My heart clenched. Ayokong nag-aaway kami.

"I'm not giving you the silent treatment. I'm just thinking."

"Of what? Of breaking up with me?"

"Amari, no!" he insisted, getting a little worked up. "I will never break up with you."

"I'm sorry. I know I'm immature at times. Nagselos ako sa kausap mo kanina kaya hindi agad kita pinansin. I'm sorry." Nanginig ang labi ko. "Don't be too quiet around me. Ayokong galit ka sa 'kin. I'm scared."

Bahagya siyang natulala sa 'kin.

"She's a co-teacher. She knows you. Nagtanong lang tungkol sa masters ko dahil mag-e-enroll din siya," he explained. "I'm sorry. I should have told you about it instead of fretting."

Umiling ako. "Do you find her prettier?"

Namilog ang mga mata niya. "Why are you asking such questions?"

"Bakit hindi mo na lang sagutin?"

"Because I don't want you comparing yourself to others!" he said, frustrated at my train of questions. "I don't want your feelings for me to make you doubt yourself!"

I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths.

Amari, you've got to get your shit together. You're being irrational again.

"I'm sorry . . ."

"No, tell me what made you think that way. Hindi ka ganito, Amari."

I just shook my head. There was no way in hell I'd tell him my reason.

"I'm okay. I'll work on my attitude—"

"Why am I making you feel self-conscious, Amari?" mas mariing tanong niya.

"Wala nga—"

"You never question your beauty. Alam mo namang ikaw ang pinakamaganda para sa 'kin. Bakit mo itinatanong pa 'yon?" he said, almost out of breath.

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin. "I'm just . . . curious. Syempre, dahil lagi mo 'kong nakikita, baka hindi na ako maganda para sa 'yo. Baka nagsasawa ka na."

Natahimik siya kaya sumulyap ako sa kanya. He looked confused and pained.

"Why would you say that?" he asked. "What did I do? Do I make you feel ugly?" Umiling siya. "Mahal kita. Bakit mo sinasabi 'yan?"

"Don't blame yourself, please! Those are just my thoughts, okay?"

"It's not okay."

I gulped. "Please. Don't make me say it."

His brows furrowed even more. "Say what?"

"Leon naman. Let's just forget it, hmm? I won't think of anything about who's prettier or what again."

He locked his gaze on me, penetrating to the core of my being.

"Say what, Amari?"

I almost shivered at the intense authority I heard in his baritone.

"Wala nga . . ." I drowned out my own voice.

"You have a reason. Tell me."

"Sabing wala nga. Bakit ba ang kulit mo?"

"Hindi tayo matatapos hangga't hindi mo sinasabi sa akin kung ano'ng naging dahilan ng pagtatampo mo, Amari."

"No."

"We'll not resolve this misunderstanding if you don't tell me," puno pa rin ng awtoridad na wika niya, parang hindi manlang nababagabag sa pagtanggi ko.

I mean . . . how the hell would I tell him that the reason I felt insecure was that he wouldn't have sex with me?! That sounded so fucking wrong!

"Amari . . ."

"Leon, there are things we share with others and things we don't."

"Not when I'm making you lose your confidence. You've been beautiful ever since. You know that."

Umiling ako. "Hindi ko na nga uulitin."

"Ang alin?"

"Ang pag-iisip . . ."

"Ng ano?"

"Leon . . ."

He shook his head, not giving in to me. "Tell me what's making you insecure. Ayokong ganito ka."

"Wala nga!" inis nang saad ko. "Nakakainis ka na!"

"Communic—"

"I just feel ugly, okay? Hindi ba puwede 'yon?!"

He fixed his gaze on mine, determined to get to the bottom of this.

"Hindi ka ba talaga titigil?!" panunuya ko kahit na rinig ko ang dagundong ng sariling puso.

"Hin—"

"Fine!" I stood up. "My friends are teasing me . . . and I'm pissed!"

Hindi siya nag-react. I was just breathing heavily, not knowing what to tell him.

"T-They mentioned that doing it shows that your partner is attracted to you . . . and that I might not be attractive to you enough because we haven't done it yet."

"Done what?"

My lips trembled. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin dahil naramdaman ko ang pag-akyat ng dugo sa mukha ko.

"T-That . . ."

"Ano nga?"

I closed my eyes and lowered my head. Fuck, this was so awkward!

"Sex . . ." I breathed out.

There was a long, uncomfortable silence before he spoke again.

"What?"

Inis akong nag-angat ng tingin sa kanya.

"Sex, Leon! We haven't done it yet, and I think it's because you don't think I'm pretty enough! Okay ka na?"

The intensity in his eyes heightened the growing tension between us. He stepped closer to me, staring deeply into my soul.

"Come again?" he whispered in a raspy voice.

Ramdam ko ang panginginig ng tuhod ko. I just couldn't believe what I'd said!

"Say it again . . ."

Napasinghap ako nang maramdaman ang paglapit ng mukha niya sa akin. He gave me small, teasing kisses on my jaw and up to the corners of my lips. I felt like my feet were stuck to the floor as I thought about how he was making me feel.

"Baby, say it again please . . ."

My heart skipped a beat. Bumaba ang halik niya sa itaas na bahagi ng leeg ko kasabay ng paghila niya sa baywang ko.

Nang tanggalin niya ang salamin naming dalawa ay lalong rumagasa ang kaba sa dibdib ko. I knew what this was.

"I'll show you how beautiful you are in my eyes."

Napatili ako nang walang kahirap-hirap niya akong dinala sa kama. He got on top of me, and before I could react, he attacked my lips. Agad kong ipinikit ang mga mata habang tumutugon sa halik niya bago ikinulong ang aking mga braso sa batok niya para hatakin siya lalo palapit sa akin.

I could feel his tongue caressing the inside of my mouth as he fought with mine and nibbled at my upper and lower lips. Soon after, he kissed my neck once more, leaving his minty breath on me.

"I fantasized about making love with you . . ." he whispered, still nipping at my neck while his right hand tugged at the hem of my shirt. "God, you don't know how much I want you, Amari . . ."

I felt hot all over. Naramdaman ko ang tuluyang pag-akyat ng kamay niya patungo sa dibdib ko.

"Leon . . ." I whimpered when he started fondling my right breast through my bra.

He was teasing me. Putting soft kisses on my neck while tugging his fingers on the top of my nipple. I opened my eyes slightly to see what he was doing and got even more aroused when I noticed his hand moving beneath my shirt.

I moaned again when he stuck a finger inside my bra.

"Just fucking remove it," I grunted.

Marahan siyang napatawa. Muli niyang hinalikan ang labi ko bago itinaas nang konti ang katawan ko para tuluyang tanggalin ang suot kong bra.

I felt the cold instantly. While he was kissing me, he played and teased me by letting his fingers hover near but not touch my nipples. My fury with the world had reached epic proportions. I swear he was trying to avoid touching my breasts on purpose!

Bago pa ako makapagreklamo ay tila nadinig niya ang daing ko. He held my right breast in his hand, making me moan with pleasure. And while his lips were working their way down, his middle finger circled its nipple.

I was so engrossed in my desire that I didn't know how he managed to take off my shirt. I saw thick lust in his eyes as he stared at my now exposed breasts, and so, without saying anything, he bent his head and put one of them in his mouth.

"Leon . . ." halinghing ko.

He was cupping one in his hand while kissing the other. Ang kamay niya ay naglakbay sa garter ng suot kong pajama. Puro ang mahihinang pagdaing ko lang ang naririnig sa buong bahay. I had no idea that he could make me feel this good. I felt like fainting.

Gaya ng ginawa sa dibdib ko ay tinukso niya rin ng daliri niya ang pagkababae ko. All I did was moan and watch him please me. He pulled off my pajamas and immediately kissed me through my undies. Nakagat ko ang labi para pigilan ang sarili sa paghalinghing. It was too much! I felt like something was going to explode inside me, and I knew exactly what that was!

Nang hindi nakuntento ay tumaas ulit ang halik niya sa tiyan ko habang ang kamay ay malayang naglalaro sa pagkababae ko. He dropped sexy kisses on the top of my abdomen and bit the garter of my undies.

"Can I?" he mumbled, his voice hoarse.

I just groaned in response. Dahan-dahan niyang tinanggal ang telang humaharang sa labi niya at sa ari ko. The hunger in his eyes doubled as he saw my folds, making my body burn even more. Kahit na kaunting awang lang ng mata ko ang nakabukas ay kitang-kita ko kung paanong nagdilim ang itsura niya.

"Leon!" I shouted. "Fuck!"

He began planting small, teasing kisses on me there, flesh to flesh while stroking my clit. He hardened his tongue and penetrated my folds, literally fucking me with it! Nagsalitan ang sila at daliri niya roon kaya lalo akong nagdeliryo. Napasabunot ako sa buhok niya dahil hindi ko na alam kung ano ang gagawin ko! My other hand tightened around the blankets as I arched my back to indulge in the pleasure he was giving me.

"I'm . . ." I cried out.

One swift glide of his tongue and I felt an inside explosion that sent chills through my body. Kinailangan kong takpan ang bibig para lunurin ang sariling halinghing.

I could feel Leon licking me clean, but the orgasm had exhausted me. Hinang-hina ako nang pumikit. If I didn't realize that he needed to get off too, I would have driven myself to sleep immediately.

Nang magmulat ako ng mata dalawang minuto matapos iyon ay nakita ko siyang nakaupo sa dulo ng kama at nakatalikod sa akin. I was still naked, but instead of being cold, my body was burning.

Hindi ako nagdalawang-isip na yakapin siya mula sa likuran, wala nang pakialam kung nagkita niya man ang lahat sa akin. He stiffened and muttered a lot of curses.

"Baby, please, I'm calming myself," he said in a controlled voice.

Hindi ako nakinig. I kissed the back of his ears while my fingers were making their way through his nape. Rinig ko ang mabibigat at malalim na paghinga niya sa ginagawa ko kaya mas lalo kong pinag-igihan. I teased his jaw, the side of his neck, and his ears. Nang makitang bumibigay na siya ay hinawakan ko ang baba niya at iniharap sa akin.

He groaned sexily when our lips touched. I slowly glided myself to sit on his lap. Napakapit naman siya sa baywang ko para suportahan ang likod ko at para lalo akong mahalikan.

I wasn't sure what to do, so I just went with my gut. I moved my lips to his neck and kissed him in the same way he had kissed my body earlier. I nibbled on it, making sure to leave a mark.

Tinanggal ko ang damit niya at bahagya pa akong natulala sa ganda ng katawan niya . . . kahit pa madalas ko namang makita iyon.

"Amari . . ." his baritone sounded like an invitation to my ears.

I leaned in and began kissing his chest, exploring its contours with my lips. Dahil na rin siguro sa panghihina ay naalis niya ang kamay na nakapalibot sa baywang ko. Itinuon niya iyon sa magkabilang gilid ng katawan niya para suportahan ang sarili. I softly licked his sculpted abs as well, eliciting a deep sigh from him. Ni hindi niya na ako pinipigilan. It was as if he had completely surrendered to me.

I looked into his eyes, my hand on the garter of his shorts. His eyes looked like they were dying of thirst, and I knew that feeling too well.

Slowly, I touched his manhood through his garments, and for a split second, I wanted to retreat. Bahagyang umawang ang labi niya sa ginawa ko kaya sandaling nawala roon ang atensyon ko.

Leon looked so hot and seductive. His chest was heaving, and his face was somewhat flushed. Madilim ang inaantok niyang mga mata habang nakatingin sa akin.

I ran my fingers along his swollen, thick, and long shaft, forcing him to take a deep breath and close his eyes. Humalik ako sa labi niya pero hindi na siya nakatugon sa akin kaya bahagya akong napangisi.

He was heaving, obviously out of breath, when I pulled down his shorts. Napatitig ako sa underwear niya kung saan nagkukumawala ang pagkalalaki niya na hindi ko alam na posibleng ganoon pala . . . ang itsura. Our sexes were almost touching, and I knew I wouldn't dare get close to him. I wouldn't go that far! And so, at that, I got off the bed to fully remove his shorts.

"Don't . . ." hirap na hirap na saad niya nang hawakan ko ulit siya.

I looked at him innocently. "Really?"

There was reluctance all over his face.

"We should . . ."

"Not after you get off, okay?" I teased his inner thigh. "What goes around comes around, Zamora."

He let out a rumbling howl when I started stroking his thing through his only garment. I felt my body start to heat up when I saw that he was pleased. His head was thrown back, and both of his arms were supporting his weight.

After a little interlude, I cautiously pulled his underwear only to suck in my breath as his manhood protruded.

I felt its flesh for the first time, wrapping it around my long fingers. If they were shorter, I didn't think I could hold them. Ngayon ngang mahaba ang daliri ko ay halos saktuhan lang. Lalo pang bumagay rito ang puti kong nail polish. It felt like the meeting of opposing forces had finally taken place.

Rinig ko ang mahihinang daing ni Leon pero hindi ko na siya pinansin. My lust was awakened by his enticing physique. And so, I kept touching him, up and down, my fingers sliding through his tip. It was growing, throbbing against my palm.

"Mendoza . . ." Leon called out lowly when I leaned in.

Tumingin ako sa kanya at nagsalubong ang mga mata namin. Still looking intoxicated, I kept leaning forward so I could taste the tip of his manhood.

Marahas siyang napamura doon. I carefully put him in my mouth while stroking its body because I didn't think I could fit him all in. Hindi naman nagtagal ay naramdaman ko na ang kamay niya sa ulo ko. He gathered my hair to the center and slowly pushed my head to his thing, guiding me.

"Grow your hair," he commanded when he had a hard time pulling it back.

Tumango lang ako. Ang isang kamay niya ay nakatuon para suportahan ang katawan niya habang ang isa ay nasa ulo ko. He was panting heavily as he directed my head to his shaft. Pinagpatuloy ko lang ang ginagawa hanggang sa naramdaman ko ang tuluyan niyang paghila sa buhok ko.

He let go of my hair and stroked his thing on his own, and after only a few strokes, he splattered his steamy juices all over my breasts.

Nang matapos ay inabot niya ang damit at pinunasan ang dibdib ko. His eyes were still dark and brimming with need.

"Leon—"

"Enough now. We can't go any further than that."

Umakyat ako sa kama at pinanood siyang maglagay ng underwear at shorts. Walang paalam siyang bumaba ng attic at napanguso lang ako nang lumabas siya ng bahay. Siguro ay para magbanyo.

I cleaned myself too, my cheeks flushing from everything that happened. Sure, we'd kissed and touched each other before, but that was all we'd done! It was our first time really doing that.

Bihis na rin ako nang makabalik siya, may dala nang libro. I got into bed and he climbed in next to me.

"Galit ka sa 'kin?" tanong ko bago yumapos sa baywang niya. His upper body was leaning against the headboard while I lay down in bed completely.

Instead of answering, he motioned for me to imitate his position, so I did.

Sumandal ako sa balikat niya at tiningnan ang hindi pamilyar na libro.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Do you want to read?"

Rinig ko ang mabibilis na pintig ng puso niya kaya napanguso ako. What was he so nervous about? Hindi naman na namin gagawin 'yon.

"Ngayon?"

He gave a nod. "Ngayon."

Hindi ko inalis ang ulo sa balikat niya. He handed me the thick book, whose cover was vintage and stylishly classic. There wasn't even a title on it, so I dove in without much of a plan.

Mr. and Mrs. Zamora

I stiffened when I read the first page. Tumahip ang kaba sa dibdib ko lalo at naramdaman ko ang marahang paghalik ni Leon sa tuktok ng ulo ko.

"What . . ." I breathed.

The words were painted in gold, and each letter was embossed. Kaya makapal ay hindi ordinaryong papel panglibro ang gamit.

"Keep reading," he urged me.

Nanginginig ang kamay ko nang ilipat ang pahina. There, I found a handwritten narrative of our experiences. There were chapters and page numbers . . . like it was a real published book. I turned the pages and read that he was still gushing over how much he loved and missed me. All those heated arguments. All those waiting games. All those promises. Lahat ay nandoon.

My Amari felt like the brightness that follows a thunderstorm, a foggy afternoon, an eerie calm, and a steaming mug of coffee. She was a poet's muse, a sonic landscape of wind rushing through towering trees, a rhythmic melody of an autumn shrub crashing to the ground, and a pressed flower kept in a book.

If loving her is a mistake, then count me among those who are happy to spend eternity in hell.

It was just a sample passage in the book, but a tear already escaped my eye. With my hands trembling, I continued to flip through the pages.

I want to be her sanctuary, her quiet place of peace. As she works to overcome the wounds of her past, I want her to know how much she is loved. I want to relive the excitement of meeting her for the first time. One myth says that once you find your true love, time stands still. College freshman year. At the entrance of the crowded door. In the seat across me. I was eighteen and forever will be.

Nakarating ako sa dulo ng libro kung saan nakasiksik ang isang bookmark. It was made from resin, with the black material housing the gold letters located at its base.

Amari Sloane Zamora, how does that sound?

Sunod-sunod na nagbagsakan ang luha ko nang makita ang singsing sa dulo ng ribbon ng bookmark. It was made of gold and adorned with diamonds all around, culminating in a bigger, spherical stone at the very top.

"I know I could have chosen a different day and a different place, but this is my best way to show you that your beauty is unmatched, Amari. I don't want you to have any doubts. I am in love with you. There is no one for me but you," Leon whispered. "Please, marry me. I want to spend the rest of my life loving you."

I nodded eagerly, tears falling down my cheeks.

"I-I'll marry you, Leon. I'll marry you." I sobbed. "I love you, too. So much. Even if I can't express it most of the time, know that you're the only man I want to be with."

Muli niyang hinalikan ang gilid ng ulo ko. Hindi ako tumigil sa pagtangis sa labis na kasiyahan.

He took the ring out of the ribbon and slowly slid it onto my finger.

It was perfect like it was made just for me.

Dinala niya ang kamay ko sa labi niya at marahang hinalikan iyon . . . gaya ng lagi niyang ginagawa.

There were no spoken words, but I could feel the wave of tranquility and peace washing over me.

Nang mga oras na 'yon, naalala ko ang sinabi ng tatay ko na ang pag-ibig ko kay Leon ang pinakamalaking pagkakamaling gagawin ko. He said he'd be my downfall and my rock bottom. He said that I'd fallen and hit my lowest point because of him.

"I love you . . ." my fiancé whispered to me.

Jokes on my father because loving Leon Ysmael Zamora was the mistake I'd commit over and over again.

He was the one perfect answer on a multiple-choice test where everything seemed right. The one error in the written exam I could only frown about. The one sentence in a book that made me stop and think. The one sweet memory that resided in my heart.

We stayed awake all night long, making plans for the future and whispering our love to one another. It was the first time I thanked my younger self for not giving up on me, for staying still despite the throbbing wounds, for wiping away my own tears, because from that moment on, I knew I wasn't alone anymore.

I had made it. Leon and I had made it.