Chapter 5

TW: Mention of Self-harm

Needless to say, the entire trip was a disaster for me. Jin kept talking to me as if we were friends. Kahit si Leon ang katabi ko sa eroplano ay nakagawa pa rin ng paraan si Jin para kausapin ako. I would just clench my fist to stop myself from having an outburst. Ayoko kasing ipakita sa mga kasama namin kung gaano ako ka-apektado sa presensya ng lalaki.

Ipinagpasalamat ko na lang na hindi namin siya kasama sa tutuluyan namin. If he is, I don't think I can last a few days. Mabuti nga at tinotoo ni Leon ang pag-aaral namin sa eroplano. Kahit papaano ay nalimitahan noon ang pag-iingay ni Jin.

Sa isang malaki at malawak na isla gaganapin ang convention. I had done some research on the location and was blown away by its beauty. Kung hindi ko lang nalaman na pupunta si Dad at kung wala si Jin sa paligid ay paniguradong maganda ang mood ko. We rode a rowboat earlier, and I was thankful that Leon told me to sit beside him.

Amidst the mixed emotions I was feeling, I couldn't deny that the island was beautiful. The sand was golden, and the water was almost crystal clear. On the side, there were modern nipa huts where we would all stay for the following days. A white lighthouse stood atop the hill, and the waves crashing against the cliffs could be heard even from a distance.

"Ma'am, mamaya pa naman po 'yong start, 'di ba?" tanong ni Zoey nang maiayos namin ang mga gamit namin. Sila ni Ms. Lubrica ang kasama ko sa may kalakihang kubo.

"Yup." Ms. Lubrica glanced at her watch. "Five."

Zoey giggled. "Puwede pong mag-ikot muna? Magpi-picture lang."

"Ayaw n'yo bang kumain muna?"

Habang nag-uusap sila ay sinilip ko ang cellphone ko para i-check kung nagreply na ba sa text ko si Dad. When I saw a message from him, I went outside to send a reply. Mahina kasi ang signal sa loob.

From: Mr. Mendoza

I'll arrive there tomorrow night to watch the group and individual quiz bees the next day. I'll text you when I get there.

I stretched my arm to find a signal, but it was too weak! Lumingon ako sa paligid para maghanap ng puwedeng puntahan. I see the hill, and I think it would take me at least ten minutes to get there. Siguradong malakas ang signal doon.

"What are you doing?"

Halos maibato ko ang cellphone ko nang marinig si Leon sa likuran ko.

"Papatayin mo ba 'ko?!" iritableng tanong ko bago ibinaba ang kamay. "At kung hindi pa obvious, ayan." I waved my cellphone. "Naghahanap ako ng signal."

His brow furrowed. "Is it important?"

"Sobra," sagot ko kahit na ang ire-reply ko lang naman kay Dad ay mag-iingat siya.

Lalong kumunot ang noo niya. "Sino 'yan?"

I pursed my lips before turning my back on him. "Chismoso."

Nagpatuloy ako sa paglalakad pero hindi ko na itinaas ulit ang cellphone ko. I'm sure there's a signal up the hill. I looked at the place and realized how it looked like a paradise. The pathway towards the event hall where the convention would take place had coconut trees and colorful plants on the sides. The way the event hall was emphasized because of the nature made it look like a palace, even if it wasn't too big.

Ang mga kubo naman ay magkakatabi, pare-pareho ng itsura, at sa tantya ko ay hindi lalampas ng dalawampu. Hindi naman kasi lahat ng attendees ay dito mag-s-stay. Some of them probably rented hotels or suites in the city.

I smiled to myself. Kat would love it here. I could imagine her sitting at the seashore strumming a guitar or painting something on her canvas.

I took a few pictures. Ipapakita ko ito sa kanya pag-uwi ko.

"Where are you going?"

Napapikit ako nang muling marinig si Leon sa likuran ko. Bakit ba siya sumusunod? Hindi ba siya nagsasawa sa mukha ko? Kanina niya pa ako kasama! At isa pa, kailangan nga naming maglagay ng distansya sa isa't isa! Bakit hindi na lang si Zoey ang kulitin niya?

"Maghahanap nga ng signal. Ang kulit naman ng lahi mo!" I said, not looking at him.

Wala pang ilang segundo ay naramdaman ko na siya sa tabi ko, sinasabayan akong maglakad. I could see him from my peripheral vision. His left hand was in his pocket.

We were still in our all-white uniforms. If I only knew that the convention would start this late, I would've traveled in a different outfit. Mabuti nga at hindi kami narumihan. Sumakay pa naman kami ng bangka.

"Why are you following me?" tanong ko habang naglalakad kami.

"Ms. Lubrica said we should look after one another," he answered blankly.

Lumabi ako. "Hindi naman ako maliligaw."

"Who knows? Hindi mo naman alam 'to."

"At ikaw alam mo?" singhal ko sa kanya bago itinuro ang lighthouse. "Do'n lang naman ako! May pathways naman na susundan. Napakaarte mo."

Hindi na niya ako sinagot kaya lalo akong napasimangot. He was always like that. Tuwing susungitan ko siya ay nananahimik na lang siya na para bang hindi worth it ang pakikipagtalo sa akin. I don't want to put meanings in everything he does. I don't want to misinterpret his actions. Kahit pa sabihin ni Shaira na gusto ako ng lalaki, hinding-hindi ko iyon i-a-acknowledge hangga't hindi nanggagaling mismo sa bibig niya.

After all, I realized that the only thing that connected us was our studies. Kung hindi dahil doon ay hindi naman niya ako kakausapin. At ganoon din ako sa kanya. We were awkward together. Well, at least for me.

"Akin na lang ba 'yong libro mo o isasauli ko pa sa 'yo?" basag ko sa katahimikan.

"Gusto mo ba talaga 'yon?"

I wanted to nod but I didn't. That book was expensive. He must've saved up to buy that. Parang nakakahiyang basta na lang kunin . . . kahit pa gustong-gusto ko nga 'yon.

"If you do, you can have it," he said. "Tapos ko naman nang basahin."

Umiling ako. "Hindi na. Babasahin ko na lang din. May previous edition naman ako no'n. Titingnan ko lang din 'yong difference."

"Suit yourself."

We remained silent until we reached the top of the hill. The meadows were nearly identical to each other, and the rhythm of the waves smashing against the rocks had become more audible. What I thought was a small lighthouse turned out to be a tall and huge one.

"Wow," I whispered when the sea breeze brushed my skin.

Tirik pa rin ang araw pero hindi ito mainit sa balat. Smiling, I looked at Leon, who was standing next to me, only to be dumbfounded at his appearance.

His lean, manly physique was highlighted by the sunlight gleaming over him. The gentle wind blew his soft hair, and despite appearing cold and indifferent, his eyes seemed to be infused with some emotion I couldn't name.

"What?" he asked, moving the bridge of his glasses.

I knew he was handsome, but today, I realized that he was beyond that.

I wonder . . . if I didn't see him as a threat to my studies, would I be attracted to him?

Umiling ako. I'm having those weird thoughts again. Itinutok ko ang atensyon ko sa cellphone para kalmahin ang sarili. I saw that there was a signal already, so I typed a reply to my father.

To: Mr. Mendoza

I'll try my best. Mag-iingat po kayo.

Wala pang ilang segundo bago ko mai-send ang message ay nakatanggap agad ako ng reply message mula sa kanya.

From: Mr. Mendoza

Don't just try your best, Amari. Your goal is to win, not to inspire.

I felt a pang of pain in my chest. Why did I even expect a good luck message?

From: Mr. Mendoza

And if someone asks you if we're related, you know the answer, right?

I fought back the tears that were dying to come out of my eyes. Sana pala ay hindi na lang ako naghanap ng signal. That way, I wouldn't have the chance to read these.

From: Mr. Mendoza

I'll give you the money before I leave. I'll triple it if you win.

To: Mr. Mendoza

Puro top students po ang nandito. Hindi po ako sigurado kung kaya ko.

From: Mr. Mendoza

What do you mean? Akala ko ba nag-aral ka?

I put down my cellphone and watched the sea. Kung wala lang akong kasama, hahayaan ko ang sarili na umiyak. It's strange how people think that emotional pain is nothing compared to physical pain without realizing that when we're hurting, we can feel it all over our bodies. It's in our bones, in our stomachs, in our chests . . . everywhere.

I closed my eyes as the smell of the sea aroused my nose.

I remember when I first cut my wrist. It was the day I had my first client, a debutant. I saw firsthand how much her parents adored her as she described her childhood with images of herself flashing on the screen.

She told everyone about the playgrounds she visited, the places they traveled to, the favorite meals her mother had cooked for her, and how her father defended her from anyone who tried to harm her.

It was a beautiful childhood . . . too beautiful that I couldn't help but compare it to mine.

Nagbebenta ng sampaguita bago pumasok at nagtatahi ng mga butas sa sako ng palay pagkauwi. Those labors were not imposed, yet without them, we would not be able to have our allowance.

When I was young, the only playground I knew was at the shelter, and the only places I had been were the streets. I grew up without a favorite meal because no one would make it for me. I learned how to defend myself because no one would do it for me.

From there, I noticed how different my life is compared to everyone else's. People would tell me that I should look for the beauty in the ugly things . . . but what could I do if those beautiful things were so scarce that the ugly ones drowned and overpowered them?

Lumaki akong walang hinihiling na kahit ano dahil nasanay akong hindi naman iyon naibibigay sa akin.

So, when I learned that you could actually request a meal from a mother and that you could hide behind your father's back when a bully came to you . . . I was so insecure.

At that time, while watching my wrist bleed, my first thought was that I'd be reincarnated and that I'd be fortunate enough to be born into a whole and loving family.

That was my first of several self-harming episodes. It became physically addictive. It became my go-to coping mechanism.

"You can cry."

Three words . . . just three words . . . and I started sobbing. Everything came back to me — the nights I sobbed in the corner of our room with my mouth covered, afraid that the other children would wake up, the eyes that looked at me as if I was a pitiful orphan and the times when I sneaked underneath the bed to slit my wrist and hoped that no one would notice.

I was such a pessimist. Hindi naman ganito ang mga kaibigan ko kahit na halos iisa kami ng kapalaran.

Maybe Jin was right. I was overreacting. I was exaggerating things. Masyado kong dinidibdib ang lahat imbes na tinatawanan ko lang. Maybe he was right. Maybe I was just cutting my wrist because I wanted to show my wounds. Hindi naman daw dapat ganito kasakit. Masyado lang daw akong malambot para sa mundo.

"Sorry," mahinang sabi ko kay Leon bago pinalis ang luha. "Napuwing lang," I added, trying to make it sound like a joke, but failing miserably.

"No need for that."

Umiling ako. "I took so much of your time. Dapat ay nagpapahinga ka na pero sinamahan mo pa 'ko." I gulped the lump in my throat when my voice slightly cracked. "Sorry. I'm just having a bad day."

I heard him moving closer to me, and before I could react, I felt his large palm pat my head. I glanced at him with another batch of tears forming in my eyes, and I caught a glimpse of him smiling a little, his head tilted as if he'd been peeking at me.

"You can take all my time," he whispered, his hand still on the top of my head. "You can always cry to me."

My lips quivered. "Hindi ako iyakin . . . may naalala lang ako."

He nodded. "It's okay."

"It's not," I said, my voice cracking.

He gave me another pat on the head. "Then it will be."

"K-kailan?"

Slowly, his hand removed the few strands of hair that were covering my eyes and tucked them behind my ears.

"Tomorrow." He brushed my tears away. "It will be okay tomorrow."

"Sinungaling ka," mahinang sabi ko.

He softly chuckled before poking my left cheek. "You're silly."

Tinabig ko ang kamay niya. "Tara na nga."

"You really are silly, Mendoza."

"Oo na."

"Do you really believe it's not okay to tumble down even after you think you've got things under control?" he asked gently, his voice was calming me. "Hmm? Do you think it's wrong to cry about the things you thought you'd gotten over with?"

Natahimik ako. It's fascinating to hear comforting words from the last person I expected to hear them from.

"Healing is messy. It lures you to consider giving up everything, but you can't, and hopefully, you won't," he added. "It's a continuous process with no fixed deadline. Just don't damage yourself too much . . . para kapag okay na, hindi ka masyadong mahirapang bumawi."

After that, I'm not sure how I managed to be alright. Napagalitan pa kami ni Ms. Lubrica dahil masyado kaming nagtagal sa pag-iikot. Sabay rin kaming kumain ni Leon lalo at tapos nang kumain ang mga kasama namin. He didn't mention it to anyone. He acted as if nothing had happened.

Orientation at introduction pa lang ang nangyari sa convention dahil bukas pa magsisimula ang workshops. Most of the attendees were girls, and I couldn't help but frown when I saw most of them checking Leon.

Ipinagpasalamat ko na hindi ako inabala ni Jin. I felt his stabbing gaze almost all of the time, but I didn't bother throwing him a glance.

"Saan kayo galing kanina? Hindi n'yo 'ko isinama," sabi ni Zoey nang patulog na kami. "Wala tuloy nag-picture sa 'kin."

"Naghanap ako ng signal," sagot ko. "Hindi ko alam kung bakit sumunod 'yon. May . . . ginawa rin yata."

"Nako! Saulo ko na 'yan," tawa niya.

"Ang alin?"

"Type ka no'n!"

My cheeks flushed in an instant. Ano'ng sinasabi niya?! Siya 'tong naka-date 'yon!

"Hindi!" I laughed awkwardly. "'Wag kang magselos. Hindi naman kami gano'n."

Mula sa pagkakahiga ay napaupo siya sa kama. "Selos?!"

Umupo rin ako. "Sorry. I respect your relation—"

"Huh?!" nanlalaki ang matang bulaslas niya ulit. "Hindi ko boyfriend 'yon, gaga!"

It was my turn to be surprised. "Huh?"

Ginulo niya ang buhok niya. "My gosh! Saan mo napulot 'yan?"

"Magkasama raw kayo . . ." I gulped. "Sa Sway's?"

She looked at me in disbelief. "Tutor 'yon ng kapatid ko! Kasama namin si Rey no'n! Naki-sit in lang ako sa pag-aaral nila kasi sinabi ni Mama!"

"Kayong dalawa lang yata 'yong nakita nila . . ."

She grunted. "Tayo kasi nang tayo si Rey para um-order ng inumin! Nanghingi pa nga ng fifty pesos sa 'kin 'yon pambili ng bamboo straw!"

I didn't know why something heavy had leaped from my chest.

"Hindi kayo?" mahinang tanong ko.

"Hindi!" she replied. "Kaya wala akong pake kung maglandian kayo nang maglandian."

Lalong uminit ang pisngi ko. "Hindi kami naglalandian."

"Tell it to the turtles!"

"Hindi nga!" I insisted.

"Jusko ka, girl! Common sense naman! Kung boyfriend ko 'yon, tingin mo ba hahayaan kong lumapit sa 'yo 'yon? Naging kaasaran at ka-close ko na lang 'yon kasi ang awkward naman na pumupunta siya sa bahay para turuan ang kapatid ko tapos hindi ko kakausapin."

The first day was a total mess for me. Parang lahat ng emosyon ay naramdaman ko. Anger, sadness, joy, and . . . a bit of relief.

The next day, Zoey and I got up early to attend the workshops. We wore our white polo shirts with our university's logo, as instructed by Ms. Lubrica, and paired them with jeans. Si Leon ang bumili ng umagahan namin dahil nag-jogging daw ito kaninang madaling araw. I greeted him, and all he did was nod before placing a glass of coffee next to my plate.

No, Mari. You can't like him. He'll be a distraction to your study . . . and you will only tire him like what you did to Jin.

We went to a three-hour workshop where we learned about helping others in crisis and the importance of pursuing self-actualization.

In the afternoon, we attended another workshop that focused on the technicalities of thesis writing. Inigrupo pa kami at pinaggawa ng sample titles. We were placed in different groups for us to learn how to interact with others we didn't know. Hindi ko naman mapigilan ang mapatingin sa grupo ni Leon. I'm not sure if I'm just being childish, but I saw a woman showing an interest in him.

There was nothing wrong with that. Leon is single, and women could approach men without thinking it was inappropriate. It's the 21st century. It's unfair to shame women who make the first move.

But why am I getting worked up?! Wala dapat akong pakialam kahit mag-hingian sila ng Facebook at magtawagan araw-gabi! Wala dapat akong pakialam kung magpakasal sila at magkaroon ng isang dosenang anak!

I breathed in and out to calm myself. You have a bigger problem than that, Mari.

The painfully long workshops ended. Kung hindi lang si Dr. Rovina D. Fujimoto, isang magaling at sikat na psychiatrist at dance therapist, ang nagdiscuss ay baka maghapon akong nakasimangot.

"Dinner na!" sigaw ni Ms. Lubrica mula sa labas ng kubo namin, isang oras matapos naming makabalik mula sa workshop.

Nang lumabas kami ni Zoey ay sabay kaming napasinghap. Paano ba naman kasi ay para lang kaming magpi-picnic! The picnic blanket was spread out on the seashore, surrounded by woods lit up with fairy lights!

Ngumiti si Ma'am bago kami kinawayan. "Halika na kayo! Pinapakuha ko lang saglit ng utensils si Leon!"

"Ano pong meron?" tanong ko nang makalapit kami sa kanya. The set-up was too romantic for us!

"This is my good luck and congratulatory gift to you guys." Tumingin siya sa likod namin at maya-maya pa'y lumitaw na si Leon bitbit ang mga utensils. "Whatever the result may be, I, Ms. Vanessa Lubrica," she said as she pointed at herself, "will always be proud of you."

Something warmed my heart. She told us to sit down, and we all did. The wind blew and Leon's fresh fragrance reached my nose. Mukhang kaliligo niya lang. Tumingin ako sa mga pagkain at napangiti nang mapansing ang mga pinakamahal na ulam sa canteen ang kinuha ni Ma'am. Wala rin si Dean sa paligid, siguro ay pumunta sa pamangkin niya.

"I realized that I've been your instructor for almost ten months now. We've spent two semesters together and we have six more to go," Ms. Lubrica said, eyes gleaming with joy. "Nakita ko kung paano kayo nag-aral. Nakita ko kung paano kayo nag-tiyaga. And even if nothing has happened yet, I want you to take this time to thank yourself."

I looked at the dark ocean and silently said my gratitude to myself.

"Don't put so much pressure on yourselves, okay? Hindi naman namin kayo dinala rito para manalo."

"Thank you po, ma'am," sabi ni Zoey.

Napangiti ako. Ms. Lubrica will always be my favorite college instructor.

"Salamat po," magkasabay na sabi namin ni Leon. Nagkatinginan pa kami pero agad ding naman akong nag-iwas.

"Okay, sige na. Let's eat!"

We started having dinner. Ms. Lubrica was talking casually to us. Parang hindi siya 'yong striktang teacher na nakakasalamuha namin sa school. She's still young. She's only in her early 30's and she's been teaching since she was 24. Wala siyang boyfriend at ang mga magulang ay sumakabilang-buhay na. She's pretty. She looks like the type of girlfriend that will take you to museums and coffee dates.

"Pero, ma'am, na-in love ka naman?" untag ni Zoey.

"At this age? Oo naman!" Tumawa siya. "I fell in love with someone I couldn't have."

"Relate. Na-in love din ako kay Jungkook, eh," nangingiting sagot ni Zoey.

Napalabi ako. Gaga talaga.

I was about to say something when I felt Leon move beside me. My heart clenched in joy when I saw him putting a bowl of soup beside my plate.

"Do you want more rice?" he asked, his eyes fixed on me.

I nodded.

Nakita ko ang pag-alpas ng maliit na ngiti sa labi niya bago dahan-dahang yumuko.

"Mahilig ka sa kare-kare?"

I bit my lower lip to suppress a big smile from coming across my lips. "Medyo."

Goodness, my voice sounded so small and timid!

Kumuha siya ng kanin at inilagay iyon sa pinggan ko. "Okay na 'yan?"

"Mhmm," I hummed, nodding.

"Are you together?"

Kasabay ng pagtingin ko kay Ma'am ay ang mabilis na pag-iinit ng buong mukha ko.

I waved my hands at her. "H-hindi po, ma'am!"

She squinted. "No'ng review ko pa kayo napapansin."

"Hindi po," sabi ko habang umiiling. "Hindi po talaga."

"If I didn't know that you were just classmates, I would've assumed you were a couple."

Pasimple kong sinuntok ang gilid ng hita ni Leon dahil hindi siya nagsasalita. I heard him clear his throat.

"We're not like that, ma'am," sabi niya.

Tumango ang babae. "Okay." She then looked at Zoey. "But do you agree with me?"

Tumawa nang mahina si Zoey. "Opo, ma'am. Pero parang nasa ligawan stage pa lang yata sila."

"Walang gano'n!" nakalabing reklamo ko. "May ka-ligawan stage siguro 'to pero hindi ako!"

"I'm not dealing with anyone, Mendoza," Leon uttered.

Umirap ako. Sus! Panigurado namang nakakalandian niya na ngayon 'yong kausap niya kanina sa convention! Okay, sige, hindi sila ni Zoey, pero malabong wala siyang fling man lang!

The topic ended briefly. Nagsimula nang magtanong-tanong si Ma'am tungkol sa ibang aspeto ng buhay namin. Zoey said that her mother works as a sales agent and her father is an overseas Filipino worker. Dalawa lang silang magkapatid kaya hindi naman sila sobrang hirap sa pera. Hindi rin naman daw kasi sila maluho.

"How 'bout you, Leon? Okay lang bang tanungin?" Ms. Lubrica asked. "Wala kasi akong ka-alam alam sa inyo!" tawa niya pa.

I suddenly became attentive. Nakalagay na sa gilid ang mga pinagkainan namin at lahat kami ay nakatingin na sa dagat. Pinaggigitnaan ako nina Leon at Zoey habang si Ma'am naman ay katabi ng huli.

"I have thirteen-year-old twin brothers . . . and both of them are my mom's causes of worry," he started. "Si nanay, may puwesto po sa palengke. She'd wake up early to sell vegetables and get home late."

I looked at him and noticed his eyes glistening as he spoke about his family. He seemed to have loved them.

"Every weekend, kapag wala akong kliyente, sinasamahan ko siyang magbenta. Sometimes, she would tell me to harvest. May maliit po kasi kaming lupa . . . tapos, doon po nagtatanim si nanay. Kapag naman pangit ang mga tanim, I'd go to Benguet to buy crops."

I imagined him doing all of that. Kaya siguro may pagka-moreno siya. Nag-aani siya ng mga pananim kahit mainit. Nagbebenta rin siya sa palengke tapos siguro, kapag walang bumibili, nagbabasa lang siya ng libro.

He doesn't look like it . . . but he's a good child. I also made a mental note of how he didn't mention his father.

"And I started taking part-time jobs before completing 11th grade."

Bumuntong-hininga si Ms. Lubrica. "Sana kapag nagka-anak ako, kagaya mo."

Zoey grunted. "Ma'am?! Ba't hindi mo sinabi sa 'kin 'yan?"

Tumawa lang si Ma'am. "Ikaw, Mari?"

"Ma'am, pansinin mo 'ko!" pag-iinarte ni Zoey.

Napangiti ako. "Wala naman pong interesting sa buhay ko."

"May part-time job ka rin, 'di ba? Make-up artist and hairstylist?"

"Opo."

Naramdaman ko ang pagbaling sa akin ni Leon kaya agad na dinaga ang dibdib ko.

"Uhm . . . I'm living with my three friends. Si Karsen, grade 12 po ngayon at ini-announce lang kahapon na ga-graduate siyang broze medalist." I smiled upon remembering that. "Si Millicent, journalism major po sa school natin at siya po lagi ang sumusundo sa 'kin kapag late akong natatapos sa trabaho. Marunong po kasi siya ng martial arts and mixed martial arts." I took a deep breath when I realized how blessed I was to have them. "Tapos si Kat . . . she's like the mother of our group. Parang alam niya lagi kapag may problema kami."

"Buti pinapayagan kayo ng mga magulang n'yo? Bakit? Sa probinsya ba kayo nakatira lahat?"

Umiling ako. "We don't have parents, ma'am."

My eyes went to the boat that had just arrived, and my heart tightened in pain when my father got off of that. He looked so high and mighty. Walang mag-aakala na may itinatago siyang pagkakamali.

"Girl . . ." sabi ni Zoey.

I chuckled. "Don't pity me. We grew up just fine." I could feel Leon's heavy gaze on me. "Sa Bahay Tuluyan kami lumaki . . . at ewan ko kung bakit walang umampon sa 'min. Siguro dahil itinatago kami ni Mill kapag may dumarating na prospect foster parents o siguro dahil madumi kami."

Sinalubong si Dad nina Dr. Fujimoto at ng ilan pang VIP. I liked how Ms. Lubrica, despite being a fangirl, didn't move to give him any attention. Parang nakikinig lang siya sa akin.

"I despise parents who hate abortions but will treat their children like garbage that can easily be thrown out," sabi ni Ma'am. "You grew up well, Mari. You grew up so well that I think you can graduate with honors."

I held my wrist and patted my battle wounds. You heard that? You grew up well, Amari Sloane.

Tumayo si Ma'am at isa isang ginulo ang buhok namin. She was smiling widely. "I'm so proud of you three. Masaya akong naging estudyante ko kayo."

I saw my father looking over at my direction, motioning me to follow him. Tumayo na rin sina Leon at Zoey.

"Mendo—"

I cleared my throat to stop Leon from saying something. "Uhm . . . uuna na 'ko sa kubo. Magpapahinga na 'ko."

He nodded slightly. "Good night."

"Hoy! Tulungan n'yo kaya akong ayusin 'tong mga pinagkainan natin?" sabi ni Zoey. "Hindi porke't ako ang pinakamapera sa atin ay gaganituhin n'yo na 'ko!"

Leon scoffed at her. "Pumasok na kayo. Ako na ang bahala d'yan."

Ngumiti ang babae. "Totoo?"

Pumasok kami sa kubo at sandali akong nag-ayos. I waited for Zoey to fall asleep, and when she finally did, I peeked through Ms. Lubrica's room. She was sleeping as well. Sumilip din ako sa labas para i-check kung nasa paligid pa si Leon at nakahinga ako nang maluwag nang mapansing wala ito.

Nagsimula akong maglakad hanggang sa matanaw ko si Dad. Mag-isa na siya. Itinuro niya ang lighthouse na ngayon ay maliwanag na ang pinakatuktok. I kept walking five meters behind him. My heart felt like it was being punctured by needles. I couldn't even walk beside him . . . beside my father.

When we got to the top of the hill, he immediatealy turned around to face me, his brows furrowed and his eyes almost glaring.

"Magandang gabi po," nakayukong sabi ko.

He exhaled. "Why are you hanging out with your classmates instead of studying, Amari?"

"Nag-dinner lang po kami."

"Dinner can be done in less than ten minutes. That's why you're not confident! Imbes na nag-aaral ay kung ano-anong inaatupag mo."

"Isang linggo po kaming nagreview, Mr. Mendoza." Nanikip ang dibdib ko sa paraan ng pagtawag ko sa kanya.

"And you're still not confident!" He sighed heavily. "You should be the best in everything you do, Amari! That's the only way you can join my firm! You have to be the best in that field!"

"I-I'll try—"

"Win the individual quiz bee tomorrow."

Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya. "Dad naman—"

"Mr. Mendoza," he corrected me.

My lips quivered. "Paano po kapag hindi ako nanalo?"

"Don't worry. I won't disown you," he said, calming me a bit. "I'll be just disappointed. Too . . . disappointed."

He neared me.

"Remember, I'm doing this for you. Not for myself." He patted my forearm. "And the rules, hmm? No one should know that we're related. I'll stay as Dr. Mendoza and you'll remain as a smart girl who will win the quiz bee."

Hindi niya na ako binigyan ng pagkakataong makapagsalita. Tinalikuran niya na ako at nagsimula nang maglakad. He told me not to follow him right away. I just kept an eye on his back as it faded from sight.

Lumapit ako sa cliff at pinakinggan ang mga alon na humahampas sa gilid nito. Kailan ba ako masasanay na ganoon ang trato ng tatay ko sa akin? That not all fathers are heroes? Okay na 'yong pinapahiram niya kami ng matutuluyan. I should at least endure this for my friends.

"I'm sorry."

I almost jumped out of my skin when I heard Leon speaking behind the lighthouse, leaning against it with a cigarette between his lips. Kung nasa dulo ako ng cliff ay siguradong nahulog na ako.

"I didn't mean to hear that," he said, his eyes staring blankly at the sea.

I didn't say anything. Wala naman akong magagawa kung narinig niya. Mukha ring nauna naman siya rito kaysa sa amin ni Dad.

Tahimik lang kami. Napagtanto ko na sa dalawang araw na nandito kami sa isla ay marami nang nasaksihan ang lighthouse. It had seen my tears and heard Leon's calming words. It had listened to my father's wishes and witnessed Leon smoking.

"It's getting dark. We should head back," he said, after a long silence.

I smiled faintly. "Nagyoyosi ka pala."

"Yeah . . . kapag may iniisip," sagot niya. "Why?"

Umiling ako. "Wala naman."

"You hate it?"

I chuckled as I looked at him. "Bakit? Kapag sinabi ko bang oo, ititigil mo?"

Kahit madilim ay kita ko ang paglamlam ng mga mata niya. "That's . . . hard."

"See?"

He nodded. "But I will."

Napatawa ako bago dahan-dahang umiling. "I don't hate it. I even tried it once."

We were once again consumed by silence. I returned my gaze to the sea. My father's words rang in my head, and I realized that ever since I met him, the only thing that mattered to me was his acknowledgment.

"Zamora . . ." I said, loud and clear.

"Hmm?"

"You'll join the individual quiz bee, right?"

"Kung ayaw mo—"

Umiling ako at muling nilingon siya. He's put his cigarette down.

"Don't go easy on me." I gulped. I knew I wouldn't have a chance against him, but that way, my father would see that Leon existed and that I would never be the best in this field. "Beat me in the quiz bee and show no mercy."