TW: Sensitive content. Self-harm.

Chapter 44

Needless to say, I worked for the research team in the following days, devising the approaches that would be used and even talking about the design of the brain scan.

Nakita ko kung paano sila magtrabaho, at kung wala lang akong alam sa pamamalakad nila ay wala akong maiisip na mali. They were just a bunch of smart people who liked to read and argue among themselves about the discoveries.

Pagkatapos pa ng 35th anniversary ang pagsasagawa ng advance fMRI. Hindi naman kasi madali ang proseso. We would need to assess the device thoroughly to ensure it accurately identified the disorder. Hindi man ako kasama sa mismong pagbuo noon, patuloy pa rin nilang itinatanong ang opinyon ko lalo at ako ang principal author ng idea.

However, being on the research team was harder than I thought.

This was the work of a scientist . . . something that was too far from my expertise. Psychologist ako at counselor, hindi taga-gawa ng devices at medicines. Still, I knew I had to extend all my resources for my plan to work out.

"Isang proof na lang, Mari," saad ni Psyche. "A video clip, picture . . . kahit ano. Basta pagpapatunay na may mga ginamit silang pasyente para sa research. It's in the laboratory for sure."

Pinasadahan ko ng tingin ang mga nakolekta namin. The documents, the folder entitled "drops" from Percy's cabinet, and the video clips of Valeen and some researchers putting the patients back on the truck.

The past few days, ichineck namin kung ano ang estado ng ilan sa mga naunang pasyente, at gaya ni Mr. Bargola, halos lahat sila, kung hindi namatay, ay nakatakas sa mental hospital. Some of the cases even happened more than a decade ago, and we had no right to inquire about them because we were not the police nor family members.

Ang iba ay nakita lang namin online nang i-search namin ang pangalan ng mga pasyente. Ang ilan ay pinuntahan naman namin ni Psyche sa address na naka-indicate sa profile. Five out of the twelve houses we checked out were sadly abandoned, yet all of them had posters in the doorway advertising a missing relative — the patient themselves.

Ang ibang pinuntahan namin ay hindi namin tinanong tungkol sa kaso. We weighed things down, and we got so scared of being caught that we retreated. Baka kasi may contact ang mga ito sa kinauukulan . . . at mabuti na lang ay naisip agad 'yon ni Psyche dahil kung hindi, baka na-interview ko na sila.

"After pa ng anniversary sisimulan ang paggawa ng brain scan. Hindi agad ako makakaakyat sa lab," I told Psyche after a long silence. "If we successfully uncovered this, hindi lang sina Valeen at Percy ang makukulong. Their accomplices needed to be jailed, too."

Tumango si Psyche. "Hindi pa rin ako makahanap ng tyempo para ma-check ang dashboard camera ng sasakyan ni Percy. Kapag na-check ko, ipapadala ko agad ang footage sa 'yo," aniya. "We should make as many copies as we can."

I sighed and just nodded. I could feel it in my bones — my body was starting to get tired of the process, and I might need to take a break after all of this.

It was so hard to pretend I could handle the disgust I felt every time I saw my biological parents. It was so hard to take in all the information I didn't learn at school.

Kaya lang, sa ngayon, wala akong karapatang mapagod. Psyche was working hard, and Percy and Valeen needed to pay for their crimes. I was motivated by everything, but also overwhelmed by it.

"Matagal ko nang napapansin na hindi ka masaya kapag nakikita mo ang tatay mo, Mari . . ." saad ni Kat nang makausap ko siya via video call.

It had been so long since she called. Abala kasi siya sa trabaho at sa . . . manliligaw.

Huminga ako nang malalim. Nasa apartment ako, kauuwi lang din mula sa pad ni Psyche.

I told Kat about my past because I needed to vent and check in with someone I trusted about whether or not I was making the right choices. Hindi ko detelyadong sinabi sa kanya ang mga posibleng krimen na ginawa ng mga magulang ko at ang bigat ng mga ito pero hindi ako nag-atubiling ikwento ang mga pinaggagawa ni Percy noon sa akin.

"He committed a crime . . . and I know about it. I just don't have enough proof," was all I could say about the felony.

She stared at me for a few minutes before sighing.

"You want to expose him?"

Tumango ako. "Sobra. Medyo napapagod lang ako sa proseso. And reality check, my father isn't an easy prey. This . . ." I trailed off as I heaved another deep breath, "is going to be ugly, Kat. I don't know what will happen, but the day I scheduled to expose them is nearing, and I don't have stronger proof yet."

Dumating na ang hidden camera na inorder namin ni Psyche pero dahil hindi ako makapunta sa laboratory ay hindi ko mailagay iyon doon. I had no access yet. Hindi ko alam kung kailan ako puwedeng makaakyat doon.

"Napapagod ka na?" malumanay na tanong ng kaibigan. "It's all over your face. You want to give up."

I nodded. "A part of me does."

"Go and quit then."

Yumuko ako at dahan-dahang umiling.

"I can't do that," I whispered. "We can't turn a blind eye to injustices. Alam mo 'yan."

At that time, I knew I had to evaluate myself. I played with my shaking, trembling fingers and took countless deep breaths. Doon ay napagtanto kong bukod sa pagod ay may mas malaking emosyon ang nananaig sa dibdib ko.

Something heavier. Something that was pushing me to retreat.

"It's . . . scary," mas mahinang saad ko.

Matagal siyang natahimik, parang hinahayaan lang akong magpatuloy sa pagsasalita na hindi ko naman ginawa.

I just sat there, exposing my most vulnerable side to her. That after all these years, behind the mask I wore was the young Amari who was terrified . . . the young Amari who was crying. My healed wounds were reopening and starting to bleed again.

I was strong . . . but I knew deep down that I wasn't.

"Ano'ng maitutulong ko sa 'yo, Mari?" Kat asked gently. "You want me there? I'll do whatever you ask me."

Umiling ako, dahan-dahang nag-angat ng tingin sa kanya.

"I just need to vent out. Everything's overwhelming me."

"I'll be there soon. Uuwi ako," aniya.

"No need, Kat."

She shook her head. "You're scared, Mari . . . and I will not take your fear lightly."

"Hindi na nga. I'm happy that you're enjoying your life there. 'Wag ka nang bumalik sa stress." Mahina akong tumawa. "I'll be safe and sound. I promise."

"Uuwian ko kayo d'yan," she said with finality. "At isa pa, you deserve a warm, thankful hug for giving us a roof over our heads during college."

Hindi ko alam kung ano pa ang dapat kong gawin. Ang akala ko, kapag nakapasok ako sa research team ay mas magiging madali sa akin ang pagkolekta ng mga pruweba. Kaya lang, hangga't hindi sinisimulan ang paggawa ng brain scan ay hindi rin ako makakakilos.

From: Psyche

Nakakatunog na si Percy. He knew there was a mole in the firm. He suspects Dr. Talavera because he's convincing Percy to let go of the patients. Though we're safe, we still need to be more careful.

Hindi na ako nagulat doon. Sa pagsasabi palang namin sa pamilya ng mga pasyente, alam ko nang mangyayari iyon. Our text messages to them surely reached Percy. I just didn't think he'd already have a person in mind.

Dahil doon, naging mas maingat nga kami ni Psyche. Pinatahimik muna namin ang ingay sa firm. Hindi ko rin muna ginamit ang bug. The whole maintenance team looked into the possibility of those and such. Tuloy ay mas lalo akong nahirapan kung paano ipupuslit ang biniling hidden camera. Mas pinaghigpit din kasi ang security. There were metal detectors before you could enter the premises, and the bags were thoroughly inspected.

"Dr. Talavera was fired because of misconduct."

That was what Percy told us when we had a meeting. He looked even more stressed out now. Tanging ang mga matatandang researcher lang ang nakakaalam ng totoong rason kung bakit natanggal ang lalaki . . . ni hindi nila alam na may ideya rin ako sa nangyayari.

I continued being the innocent researcher of the firm. Alam kong wala nang panahon pa para tumunganga ako. I'd gathered enough evidence, and I observed that most of the old researchers didn't give a hoot about the methodology used in the experiments. Pansin na pansin ko iyon — gusto lang agad nilang makita ang resulta or, at least, makapagpakita ng update kay Percy.

I needed to work things out on my own. I made it into the research team already. Might as well manipulate everyone here into thinking that I was really harmless . . . but I had to do it in a slow, quiet way.

"To see if the scan will work, we'll have to find people with and without schizophrenia and compare their brain activity," I said in front of the researchers, stating the obvious. "From what I know, we have a partnership with a mental hospital. We can ask them to lend us some patients and make sure that everyone involved signs an informed consent. Families, patients themselves . . . everyone."

"We have brain samples, Ms. Mendoza," saad ng isang researcher.

I paused for a bit. Brain samples were donated by the families of the deceased, not for organ transplantation but rather for scientific study. Kung mayroong ganoon sa lab, magiging malaking tulong iyon sa research.

But then, it wasn't what I wanted.

Umiling ako. "This scan is crucial. Kailangan, buhay ang pasyenteng ite-test natin. Hindi naman makakaapekto ang scan sa pasyenteng kukunin natin . . . and I think the process I just said is ethical. We'll disclose every piece of information to all parties involved, so we'll not have a problem."

"Saka na 'yan. Huling proseso pa 'yan. Creating the scan itself should be our primary concern now," sabi ni Percy.

"Sir, with all due respect, you know that getting informed consent is a lengthy process. Kakausapin pa natin ang mga pasyente at ang pamilya nila," sagot ko naman. "One million Filipinos have schizophrenia, and with a 95% confidence level and a 5% margin of error, we'll need 384 samples. With that number, hindi lang ang ka-partner na mental hospital ng firm ang kailangan nating kausapin."

I breathed deeply as I thought of more ways to convince them how urgent the brain scan was . . . kahit hindi naman.

"But if we're aiming for a 99% confidence level and a 1% margin of error, we'll need more." I did the math in my head. "Probably around 16,300 . . ."

"95% is good enough," sabi ni Percy. "Madali na ang 384 samples. I can get it done right away."

I clenched my fist subtly. Of course, you can. You have drops in your lab.

"Okay . . . where are these brain samples then?" I asked as if I didn't know where it was.

"Lab," sagot niya.

My heart hammered when the laboratory was finally brought up. Malapit na ang 35th anniversary ng firm at abala ang lahat sa pag-aasikaso noon, lalo si Psyche. Invitations were already distributed to the leading businesses and organizations. Kung hindi ako kikilos para makapunta sa laboratory ay hindi madadagdagan ang ebidensyang hawak namin ni Psyche.

These days, I'd been thinking of methods to show Percy that I needed to see the laboratory, but because of the leakage of their confidential information, I had a hard time doing so. Naging maingat ang lahat lalo at hindi maibalik ang mga bagong pasyente sa laboratory. Everyone at the company seemed to be working in relative silence. You wouldn't even realize something was happening if you didn't know what it was.

"If that's the case, then . . ." I stood upright, asserting dominance and authority, "I might need to check some brain samples of those with schizophrenia."

I couldn't waste more time. Lumilipas ang mga araw at hindi puwedeng panoorin ko lang ang pagtakbo noon. Wala naman na si Dr. Talavera . . . they should be more at ease now.

Sa pagkunot ng noo ni Percy ay agad na tumahip sa kaba ang dibdib ko.

"What for?" he asked.

I held my chin up. I needed to show him I was confident.

"Do we have an fMRI?"

Tumango siya. "Of course."

"Good," I replied right away. "If you let me look at the brain samples of those with schizophrenia, then I'll be able to write down as many details as possible so that we can compare the results of the fMRI . . . at saka no'ng brain scan na gagawin natin."

Sandali siyang natahimik bago pinasadahan ng tingin ang folder sa harap niya. It was the progress of my work. Everything I knew was written there, and the models were thoroughly debated with the team. Ang kailangan ko na lang ay ang mga detalyeng makikita ko sa fMRI.

Mukhang hindi pa rin siya kumbinsido kaya muli akong nagsalita.

"We'll start devising the brain scan after the anniversary and if I wait 'til then, then it'll take us more time to be done. Kakailanganin ko ring alamin ang pinagkaiba ng neuroimaging ng taong may schizophrenia na buhay pa . . . sa brain sample na meron tayo. If we want no less than a 5% margin of error, we need to study everything from different angles."

He heaved a sigh of defeat, finally realizing my point. Of course, alam niyang tama ang sinasabi ko. Hindi naman sa kanya bago ito.

Tinanggal niya ang salamin at minasahe ang sintido.

"Dr. Draanen," he said, calling the attention of an old researcher. "Guide her with your team next week."

"Yes, doc."

I did my best to suppress my smile. Hindi ko alam kung uto-uto ba siya o magaling lang talaga ako. I couldn't even believe I made it here with all my well-thought-out plans. Kahit pa may ibang napagbintangan sa plano namin ni Psyche ay wala akong pakialam. He shouldn't have asked Percy's permission to let go of the patients. Dumiretso dapat siya sa awtoridad.

Malaking bagay na hindi nila ako pinaghihinalaan. It was as if, for the first time, the world was in my favor. My father didn't have the slightest idea that his secretary and his own daughter were plotting against him.

But I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. Kung sa akin man gawin iyon, baka hindi ko rin agad malaman. He trusted Psyche, and he thought lowly of me. He wouldn't even dare suspect us.

It wasn't easy. Psyche and I were living in constant fear of being exposed. Gamit na gamit din ang utak ko sa nangyayari kaya madalas ay ang bigat-bigat ng pakiramdam ko. Hindi ko puwedeng hayaang may pumalpak sa plano namin. We'd made it this far already. We couldn't get caught.

Hinayaan ko lang lumipas ang mga araw. I told Psyche that I'd be going into the lab next week, and she was just as thrilled and nervous as I was.

I prepared everything I needed. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko ipupuslit ang hidden camera sa lab lalo at mahipit pa rin ang security. I was thinking about using my phone, but I couldn't leave it there . . . kaya hindi puwede. Hindi naman ako puwedeng pumasok doon nang walang kahit ano. I needed an indisputable evidence . . . hindi magiging sapat ang makikita lang ng mata ko.

I was deep in thought when my cellphone chimed. Napatingin ako roon. It was a text message. Huminga ako nang malalim bago sumandal sa sofa para buksan iyon. I was reading documents here in the living room while Mill was already asleep in the bedroom. Malalim na rin kasi ang gabi.

From: Unknown Number

How's your research going? -Leon

Halos manlaki ang mga mata ko sa nabasa, sandaling nawala ang naiisip. I checked the number and saw that it wasn't the same number that I had blocked before. Ano 'to? Bago niya?

To: Unknown Number

Zamora?

I put aside the documents I was reading and focused on the sudden emotions rushing through me. The text message was so unexpected . . . may problema ba siya? Kahit pa casual kami sa isa't isa no'ng huli kaming nag-usap, hindi naman naabot ng hinagap ko na magte-text siya. I mean, we were still ex-lovers . . . at hindi naman naging maganda ang hiwalayan namin.

From: Unknown Number

Yeah. You haven't visited the library lately. I'm just wondering why.

Para akong hihimatayin sa nerbyos. I took deep breaths in an attempt to calm my heart, but it didn't work out. Hindi ko tuloy maiwasang mapagtanto kung gaano kalaki ang epekto niya sa akin. One moment, I was drowning in my thoughts, and now, I was . . . thrilled.

To: Unknown Number

Busy lang.

From: Unknown Number

In your research?

I bit my lower lip before typing a reply.

To: Unknown Number

Yeah.

From: Unknown Number

How is it going? I had some extra time the next day after telling you about the brain scan, so I conducted some research as well. Hindi ko lang naibigay sa 'yo 'yong files na-compile ko kasi wala ka sa library.

Parang may kiliting bumalot sa dibdib ko. He did . . . what?

To: Unknown Number

It's okay. My research has been going well. Continuous study rin.

From: Unknown Number

That's great.

Hindi ko alam ang ire-reply roon. Should I ask him how he was? Pero baka isipin niya ay . . . interesado ako. He might think I was trying my luck again. Hindi rin iyon related sa research. Nakakahiya namang manguna.

While thinking of a response, my cellphone chimed again.

From: Unknown Number

Hindi mo na kailangan? I can still give it to you. Additional related studies.

Huminga ako nang malalim at mas lalong sumandal sa sofa. My heart was still thumping with joy and excitement. Naaalala ko sa kanya ang Leon na nililigawan palang ako noon. He was consistent and his ways were similar . . . laging tungkol sa libro at pag-aaral.

To: Unknown Number

I have a lot of things at hand. Baka matagalan kung kailan ko makukuha 'yan. Thank you, Leon. I appreciate it.

One minute after I sent that, he replied again.

From: Unknown Number

I can bring it to you now. Nasaan ka?

Lalong tumahip sa kaba ang dibdib ko. Napahawak ako roon, pilit na pinapakalma ang pagwawala nito. He'd been a great help with my presentation. He was the real principal author of the idea. Tama na 'yon. He didn't need to do the research with me. Wala naman siyang alam kung para saan 'yon.

And he could have sent that to me in a lot of different ways! Hindi naman mahirap mag-email o i-message ako sa messenger.

To: Unknown Number

You can just send it to my email. Hindi naman ako nagbago ng email address.

From: Unknown Number

It's printed.

To: Unknown Number

Nasaan 'yong file?

From: Unknown Number

I deleted it.

Sandali akong nag-isip. Hindi na talaga kailangan ang file. I have already done the presentation. Magsisimula na rin ang production ng scan.

Kaya lang . . . ginawa niya 'yon. In his free time. Imbes na magbasa gaya ng lagi niyang ginagawa kapag may bakante siyang oras . . . he conducted research to help me. Even if it wasn't important anymore, he still did it, and it would be heartless of me to let his hard work go to waste.

To: Unknown Number

Okay.

From: Unknown Number

Okay?

To: Unknown Number

I'll come get it to you. Nasaan ka ba ngayon?

My heart was pounding. Sandali kong ibinaba ang cellphone para suklayin ang buhok gamit ang daliri. Good thing I liked using argan oil in my hair. Hindi ako masyadong nahirapang alisin ang mga sabit-sabit noon.

From: Unknown Number

Ako na. It's dark outside. Nasa apartment ka ba?

To: Unknown Number

Hindi, ako na. It's already too much trouble for you.

From: Unknown Number

Nasa apartment ka?

Napanguso ako. Hindi niya pinansin ang sinabi ko.

To: Unknown Number

Yeah. Magbibihis lang ako at pupuntahan na kita.

From: Unknown Number

Stay put. I'll be there in a bit.

To: Unknown Number

What do you mean?

Hindi na siya nag-reply kaya paulit-ulit kong binasa ang palitan namin ng mensahe. If I was thinking straight, he'd come over to my place now.

Tumayo ako at humarap sa salamin. I was in my sleeping jammies and my face was bare. Namumula ang pisngi ko mula sa text messages namin . . . at hindi ko maiwasang maalala ang kadalasan niyang paglalarawan sa akin. He knew when I was pale . . . he knew when my cheeks were red. Ngayon ay kailangan kong kalmahin ang sarili kung ayaw kong maabutan niya ako na namumula dahil lang sa pag-uusap namin.

For heaven's sake, two more years and you're already in your 30's, Amari!

I knew that seeing Leon wasn't my biggest problem right now and that I should focus more on finding ways to smuggle the hidden camera into the firm . . . pero paano ko naman gagawin 'yon kung alam kong papunta siya rito? We were just texting . . . and now, he was on his way to see me. I mean, to give me the file.

Magbibihis at mag-aayos pa sana ako nang tumunog ang cellphone ko. I checked his reply, and I was shaken to my core when he said he was already outside the apartment.

Sumilip ako sa labas at naramdaman ko ang panunuyo ng lalamunan ko nang lumabas siya ng pulang sasakyan. He was wearing a plain white t-shirt and black sweatpants. Hindi gaya noon na lumang puting sapatos ang suot niya, ngayon ay kapansin-pansin ang branded na tsinelas niya.

Isang beses ko pang tiningnan ang sarili sa salamin bago buksan ang pinto. Tumatahip ang puso ko sa halo-halong emosyon. Kaba, saya, takot . . . lahat. I felt like the entire circus had been crammed into my system, and I realized right away that the emotions I felt while presenting to the researchers were nothing compared to the surge of emotions Leon could give me.

Nagtama ang mga mata namin habang binubuksan ko ang maliit na gate. Parang gusto kong maiyak sa tuwa dahil nandito siya . . . pero gusto ring mabasag ng puso ko dahil alam kong hindi naman siya nandito para yakapin ako at sabihing kaya kong gawin ang lahat . . . that I'd figure things out . . . that I was doing my best and it was more than enough.

"Uhm . . ." Tumikhim ako. "Hindi na ako nakapagbihis. Naghahanda na rin kasi akong matulog."

I almost praised myself for not stuttering. Nakatingin lang siya sa akin, malamlam ang mga mata at bahagyang nakaawang ang labi.

Bumaba ang tingin ko sa kamay niya at napansin ang scrunchies na noon ay ibinibigay niya sa akin. Napansin niya siguro ang pagtingin ko roon dahil iniangat niya ang braso para iabot iyon sa akin.

"Nakita ko lang sa bag ko kaya dinala ko na rin," mahinang aniya. "Hindi ko naman 'yan magagamit. Kunin mo na."

I pursed my lips before reaching out for the three scrunchies. Walang ibang nasa kamay niya kung hindi iyon.

"'Y-Yong . . ." Hindi ko matuloy ang sasabihin. I was at a loss for words.

Napatango siya. "Nasa . . . kotse. Kukunin ko lang."

Napabuga ako ng hangin nang lumapit siya sa sasakyan niya. Kinuha niya ang brown na folder bago muling tumapat sa akin.

"These were the related studies I collected. I also put a few insights in there . . . baka makatulong," sabi niya habang iniaabot sa akin ang folder.

I almost gasped when I realized how thick it was.

"A-Ang kapal . . ." mahinang saad ko. "Isang araw mo lang ginawa 'to?"

Ikinunot niya ang noo. He then moved the bridge of his glasses and shifted his weight, as if I had asked him something that made him tense up.

"Kapag may free time, Amari," mariing sagot niya.

I bit my lower lip as guilt started to cripple me. Hindi niya naman dapat gawin 'to. Ang laking abala panigurado sa kanya.

"I did it in my own will. You don't have to be guilty," aniya na para bang nabasa niya ang nasa isip ko.

"You're exerting too much effort, Leon. Hindi naman . . . kailangan." Umiling ako. "Thank you for this . . . and I'm sorry for troubling you. Alam kong marami kang ginagawa."

He stared at me fiercely. Para akong mauupos na kandila sa harap niya. I didn't know if it was the night breeze or the way he towered over me, but I felt a sliver of shiver down my spine.

"Kailan ka babalik sa library?" he asked after a long pause.

Lumunok ako bago sumagot. Pakiramdam ko ay may bikig sa lalamunan ko at anumang oras ay mahihimatay ako sa harap niya.

"H-Hindi ko alam," nanghihinang sagot ko. "I'm . . . busy. Lalo ngayon."

He took a step closer to me, making my heartbeat double.

"You need help?"

Mabilis ang pag-iling ko. Peke akong tumawa bago ibinagsak ang tingin sa paa ko dahil hindi ko kayang harapin ang talim ng mga mata niya.

"Have you been eating? Pumapayat ka."

The worry in his tone was visible. Isang beses akong tumango. Sa bilis ng tibok ng puso ko, pakiramdam ko ay mababasag lang ang boses ko kapag nagsalita pa ako.

"You've got problems?"

I just shook my head in response. Hindi ako nag-aangat ng tingin sa kanya dahil alam kong malapit lang siya sa akin. I could even smell his fragrance.

We fell into silence . . . that same, familiar, comfortable silence. Rinig ko ang malalalim na paghinga niya at ang mabilis na pagtahip ng dibdib ko. It was an amazing feeling . . . if only I could see him everyday after working for people I loathed, I probably wouldn't be this tired.

Wala akong ideya sa gusto niyang mangyari . . . o kung bakit hinahayaan kong magkrus ulit ang landas namin. For me, seeing him was a gift from heaven. At gusto kong paulit-ulit na matanggap ang regaling 'yon hangga't puwede pa . . . hangga't nagpaparamdam pa siya.

I looked at the scrunchie I was holding, and all of a sudden, like the way we met today, an idea hit me like a bolt of lightning.

Bago pa ako malunod sa naiisip ay halos maestatwa ako sa pagdampi ng kamay ni Leon sa ulo ko. Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya at hindi agad ako nakabawi sa lamlam ng mga mata niya habang pinapanood ako. His eyes were so kind and gentle as he lightly tapped my head, as if he was trying to calm my thoughts.

"Whatever that was . . ." he whispered. "You've got it."

Umawang ang labi ko sa sinabi niya. He still could read right through me.

"Don't block my number again. Call me if you need someone, okay?"

Hindi ako makasagot. Nakatitig lang ako sa kanya. He was so stunning to look at, a sight to behold, and I could only assume that fate had made us meet tonight so that I could gain inspiration on what I should do next.

"Okay?" pag-uulit niya.

Tumango ako habang dahan-dahan niyang inaalis ang kamay sa ulo ko.

He smiled softly. "Go back inside. Ipagpabukas mo na ang pagbabasa n'yan. Just rest already."

Nahihipnotismong sumunod ako sa gusto niyang mangyari. I could feel him watching me until I inside the apartment. Dumungaw ako sa bintana para panoorin din ang pag-alis niya. He stayed for a few minutes, staring at the apartment, before sliding himself into his car. Malakas pa rin ang pintig ng puso ko pero hindi gaya kanina ay magaan na ang pakiramdam ko.

Leon would always be a help to me . . . even without his knowledge. He had helped me grow as a person before, and now, he was giving me ideas just by letting me see him.

To: Unknown Number

Thank you, Leon. Mag-iingat ka sa daan. Good night.

Imbes na magpahinga nang gabing iyon ay tinanggal ko ang stitches ng scrunchie na ibinigay niya at inilagay roon ang maliit na camera. The security guards' metal detectors only went from our necks to our shoes. If I pulled my hair back into a ponytail next week, no one would think there was something in my scrunchie. Tinahian ko rin iyon ng zipper para mabilis kong makuha ang camera kapag nagkataon.

When the day finally arrived, I was writhing with fear in security, but I kept a straight face like I always do.

"Check po ng bag, ma'am," saad ng lalaki sa akin.

I handed over my bag as the metal detector swept across my body. Ang hikaw, kwintas, pulseras, at relo ay ichine-check din. Even the cellphones. Nakaboknay ang buhok ko at sinigurado kong ang scrunchie ay nakatago sa ilalim ng mga hibla nito.

"Pataas po ng dalawang kamay . . ."

I raised my arms sideward at my shoulder level and let the security guard scan my clothes and all. Tumaas ang metal detector sa balikat ko at pakiramdam ko ay pinagpapawisan ako nang malamig dahil parang anumang oras ay iiikot niya ang detector hanggang ulo ko.

"Ms. Mendoza!"

Napabuga ako ng hangin nang tawagin ako ni Dr. Draanen. Ibinaba ko ang kamay at tumingin sa security guard na bumaling din sa tumawag sa akin.

"Good to go na ba, kuya?" kuha ko sa atensyon niya. "Tinatawag na po ako . . ." dagdag ko pa para mataranta siya.

It was effective. Ibinaba niya ang metal detector at iniabot ang bag ko sa akin.

"Okay na po, ma'am. Thank you po."

Isang beses akong tumango. I was relieved. I knew it would work, but I was preparing for the worst. May mga unforeseen events kasi na puwedeng mangyari.

"We'll go into the laboratory at 9. My team has already prepared everything you need. Sila na rin ang bahala sa documentation," saad ni Dr. Draanen sa akin nang makalapit ako sa kanya.

"I don't know how to use an fMRI. Hindi po ako doctor," sagot ko. "I'd appreciate it if you'd help me."

He nodded. "Of course."

Sabay kaming umakyat sa office. I fixed myself up when I got to my seat and took my comb out of my bag. Nagpaalam ako saglit sa kanya na kailangan kong pumunta sa banyo para mag-ayos at hinayaan niya lang naman ako. When I got inside a cubicle, I removed my scrunchie and pulled out the small camera in there. Matapos iyon ay paulit-ulit kong sinuklay ang buhok ko. I also stayed there for a while, so no one would think I was hurrying.

Inilagay ko ang camera sa bulsa ng suot kong blusa. I would take it out later, once we were at the laboratory.

Bumalik ako sa upuan ko at inasikaso ang mga dokumentong dadalhin ko sa loob. My heart was pounding against my chest, but I knew I wouldn't mess things up. I was shaking my legs, trying to remove the tension in my system. Nakita ko pa si Percy na kinaukausap si Dr. Draanen, at sa likod niya ay si Psyche na nagmamasid lang sa paligid.

When our eyes met, she gave me a nod.

Hindi na ako nagulat nang makalipas lang ang ilang minuto nang makaalis sila ay may mensahe na sa akin ang babae.

From: Psyche

Percy told Dr. Draanen to remind you of all the precautions before entering the lab. No biggies. Mag-iingat ka.

I was nervous as hell. Hindi ko alam kung dahil sa natatakot akong mahuli o dahil sa natatakot akong malaman kung ano ang nasa taas. I knew this company had deeper ethical issues... and the only way I could make them pay for what they did was to do this right.

I took deep, long breaths. I thought of Leon to pacify myself. Pagkatapos ng lahat ng 'to . . . I'd give him a hug. Wala na akong pakialam kung ano ang iisipin niya. I just needed to hug him. My heart . . . needed it.

"Let's go."

I tried not to collapse while I was in the elevator with Dr. Draanen and the other three researchers who would assist me. Mag-o-observe lang ako dahil sila naman ang gagawa ng halos lahat. I would just write down everything I saw on the scan . . . and that was it. Sa pagkakaalam ko pa ay isa hanggang dalawang araw bago mukha ang buong resulta kaya baka hindi rin kami magtagal sa laboratory. I would just . . . act and probably buy my time.

Pinagsuot muna ako ng lab coat, mask, at safety glasses bago kami pumasok sa loob. My heart was still in disarray. Nang buksan ni Dr. Draanen ang pinto ay tuluyan akong huminga nang malalim.

As soon as we entered, I noticed how spotless everything was. The lab equipment was set up nicely in glass cabinets, and the machine we'd be using was already set up. Malawak ang paligid . . . too extensive for its use.

I continued to look around the area, and I felt a pang of pain in my gut when I saw a white door at the end of the corridor. I didn't know if it was my instinct or what . . . but I was certain that it was where the patients were placed.

"Let's start."

Hindi agad ako nakakilos. There was a seething stench of blood and the sound of cries for help that I could almost taste in my mouth.

No, this place isn't a laboratory . . . this is hell.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko nagawang umarte na parang walang kaalam-alam sa nangyari sa lugar na 'to. I wanted to cry because I couldn't understand why these criminals were wearing tailored suits while the people they killed were wearing hospital gowns. Instead of getting help, innocent, defenseless patients' lives were taken. Instead of finding hope, they died at the hands of the people they trusted.

Amari . . . you can't let your emotions win. You have a goal. Keep that in mind.

My anger was bubbling up in my bones, tightening every muscle and trying so hard to get out. Nagpatong-patong ang galit ko na tuluyang nawala ang takot na kanina lang ay nananahan sa loob ko.

Why should I be afraid now that I've gotten this far and they're still clueless about my plans? Why should I be afraid of those fucking murderers who didn't bat an eye when they killed the patients we were desperately trying to save? Why should I be afraid of them when all I have to lose is my life?

"While waiting for the complete result, we can get down to continue our work. We can get the result later in the afternoon," saad ni Dr. Draanen habang inilalabas ang brain sample.

I kept my straight face. "How long does it take to scan the brain?"

Pinanood ko kung paano niya inilagay sa loob ng machine ang sample. One of the researchers took photos while the other two helped Dr. Draanen. I wrote down everything I could see and asked Dr. Draanen all the questions I had in mind. I kept an eye on everything, planning where to position the camera for the optimum angle.

"Can I ask something?" tanong ko.

"Yes?"

Tinuro ko ang researcher na kumukuha ng larawan.

"Why does he need to take pictures? We have CCTV to record everything. And . . . it isn't like I'm not here to observe."

Tumawa ang lalaki. "The entire lab doesn't have CCTV, Ms. Mendoza . . . and we need close-up shots of the whole process."

Pinigilan ko ang magpakita ng tuwa sa narinig. Iyon lang ang pumipigil sa akin na kumilos.

I chuckled. "Right . . . I just got curious. Sorry."

Tumango lang siya bago muling binalingan ang machine. A few more minutes passed, and his attention drifted back to me.

"Puwede na tayong bumaba. My team will take care of the results. Tatawagin na lang tayo kapag ready na," saad nito matapos ang scanning.

"Can't I stay?" I asked, making sure that disappointment was written on my face.

Kumunot ang noo niya. "Why?"

"Because I want to watch everything," diretsong sagot ko naman. "I can wait with your team. I'll look into the machine as well, just in case I need to make any adjustments to my article."

"Is it necessary?"

I sighed. "I want to make sure I don't miss anything, Dr. Draanen. This is the only project I have, and I need to do it well if I want to stay at this firm as a researcher." Pinalungkot ko ang itsura. "I can't work as a cleaner again. Alam kong dito ako hahatulan kung mananatili ba akong researcher . . . o taga-linis."

Nakaiintinding tumango siya. "Okay, then, I'll wait with you. Para kapag may tanong ka, ako 'yong makakausap mo. I'm still training my team. They can't give you precise answers."

Ngumiti ako sa kanya. "Thank you, doc."

I was furious, so furious that I would do anything to find proof. Wala ang takot sa dibdib ko. It had been completely overshadowed by my fury.

"You should also get an fMRI, Dr. Draanen. We need to compare the results, right?"

The doctor chuckled. "We prepared it already. Nag-undergo kahapon 'yong isa sa team ko. You want to see the process, too? Parehas lang naman."

Umiling ako. "No need. Puwedeng patingin na lang ng resulta?"

He told one of the researchers to get the results, and that person did as he directed. Ilang minuto lang ang lumipas ay bumalik ito sa puwesto at iniabot sa akin ang image.

Sinilip ko ang nag-uusap na mga researcher at si Dr. Draanen bago pasimpleng inilabas ang camera sa bulsa ng suot kong blusa. It was so small that I could hide it in my palm.

I walked back and forth to make sure I got to the front of the door at the end of the hallway. Malayo iyon sa amin pero sigurado akong kayang kunan iyon ng camera.

If I could hide this in one of the glass cabinets, I could watch the whole thing on my laptop later . . . pero parang mas maganda yata ang anggulo kung sa microscope na nasa mesa ko ito ilalagay. Ideal place iyon dahil may objective lens ang microscope kung saan ko puwedeng idikit ang camera.

"Why are you walking?"

Halos mapaigtad ako sa biglang pagsasalita ni Dr. Draanen. Beads of sweat started to form on my forehead, but I just shook it off and immediately came up with a reason.

"Ganito po talaga ako kapag nag-iisip," saad ko. "I'm trying to analyze the result of a normal person's brain neuroimaging on my own."

He nodded. "Just don't move around too much or touch anything."

"Yes, doc."

Wala namang suspetya sa mga mata niya kaya nakahinga ako nang malalim. I waited for a few minutes before walking up to the table where the microscope was. Inilapag ko pa roon ang image at nagpanggap na inaaral iyon.

"Doc, can I sit here?" may kalakasang tanong ko.

Lumingon si Dr. Draanen sa akin.

"Magsusulat lang po ako," dagdag ko pa.

Isang beses ulit siyang tumango. Nang masigurado kong walang matang nakatutok sa akin ay agad kong ikinabit ang maliit na camera sa isa sa mga objective lenses at iniikot iyon para maitutok sa tapat ng pinto kung saan ko hinihinalang may nakakulong na mga pasyente.

I did it so quickly while keeping an eye on the researchers who might suddenly look at me.

Saktong pagkababa ng kamay ko ay nilingon ako ni Dr. Draanen. I was practically gasping for air, and my heart felt like it was going to burst. That was fucking close!

"Ano'ng ginagawa mo d'yan?"

My lips trembled. "I-Inaaral pa rin po."

Damn, Amari! Don't fucking stutter!

"Come up here. The results are ready."

Hindi ako nakapagtrabaho nang maayos buong araw. I wanted to go home already and check my laptop so that I could watch what was going on inside the lab. Hindi ako pinagsuspetyahan manlang ni Dr. Draanen o ng mga kasama naming researcher. I played curious the whole time I was there.

I wanted to shout, cry, and just curse the freaking entire firm. I did it . . . successfully. Without a fucking hitch! I knew it was my anger that drove me to do that. Kung kinakabahan ako kanina ay malaki ang tyansa na nahuli ako . . . but then, they didn't deserve my fear. No criminals did.

Itinext ko agad si Psyche tungkol doon pero hindi siya nag-reply. The worst-case scenario was for someone to see the camera and link it to my IP address. I had to make sure I had the evidence I needed before that happened.

Nang makauwi ay dali-dali akong tumakbo papunta sa silid ko. I opened my laptop and watched the silent, dark laboratory. Bumaba rin ang tingin ko sa bug na ilang linggo ko nang hindi nagagamit kaya ichinarge ko iyon habang naghihintay.

With bated breath, I waited, eyes glued to the screen. I cried for hours, offering up prayers to the saints I knew, and sharing the depths of my heartache and despair.

I was prepared for the worst. Kung mahuhuli ako . . . I wouldn't bring Psyche down with me. Walang naging sagabal sa akin para isagawa ang mga plano ko, at makuha ko lang ang isang record na may mga pasyente nga sa loob ng laboratory . . . wala na akong pakialam sa puwedeng mangyari.

But then, for the first time in a long time, the heavens listened to me.

Nanakit ang mata ko sa haba ng panonood, pero wala akong naramdamang pagod. I picked up the already fully charged bug and listened to it alongside watching.

Nahigit ko ang hininga nang makita ang pagpasok ng head cleaner. She turned on all the lights, and my vision of the laboratory became clearer.

She started by cleaning everything, which made me realize why the area was so clean. Walang audio ang camera pero dahil sa bug na itinalagay ko noon sa ilalim ng cart niya ay para ko rin siyang naririnig.

"Aalis na kami?"

Napatingin ako sa bug nang marinig iyon. My eyes were wide open and my lips were parted as I stared at the bug I had unconsciously ignored for . . . weeks.

"Pahinging pagkain . . ."

Napatakip ako sa bibig ko kasabay ng pagragasa ng luha sa mga mata ko.

"Ate, siguro kaya kami nakakulong kasi masama kami, 'no?"

I clenched my heart against my chest, feeling the pain from the innocent voices of the patients. Mula sa screen ng laptop ko ay pinanood ko kung paanong binuksan ng head cleaner ang pinto . . . at doon ay nasaksihan ko ang mga kamay ng pasyente na pilit na inaabot siya. The camera was too far away for me to see their faces, but I could see so clearly that their hands were reaching for her, as if grabbing her would set them free.

I stomached the pain of watching and hearing everything.

"Ayoko na rito. Ahhhh! Naririnig n'yo 'yon? May papatay sa 'kin!"

"Ate, gutom na 'ko. Kailan ulit kami kakain?"

"Manahimik kayo! Kaya tayo ikinulong dito kasi may mananakit sa atin!"

Those were the voices of the patients . . . some were hallucinating and having delusions. Hindi sumasagot ang head cleaner. Nililinis niya lang ang silid nila. There were a lot of voices . . . and thinking that they were shouting for help earlier while I was there . . . I couldn't . . . I just couldn't.

When the lights went out again, I started crying all over again.

"Putangina n'yo!" I yelled so loudly that I think everyone on the street heard me. "Mga demonyo kayo!"

Hindi ko alam kung paanong nangyaring yakap-yakap na ako ni Mill habang nagwawala ako. I flung my phone against the wall and yanked my hair out, realizing I had the same hair as the woman who had imprisoned the patients there.

"Mari, ano ba!" natataranta nang sigaw ni Mill habang kinakalma ako.

I didn't listen. I scratched my skin with my nails because the blood that was pouring over me was from devils! I rubbed my eyes so hard that all I could see was dark because my eyes were so much like Percy's!

I hate myself! I hate that I resemble them! I hate being the product of those fucking monsters!

"Mari . . ."

Umiling ako at patuloy na sinabunutan ang sarili. My knees buckled under the weight of the pain. There on the floor, with Mill's arms around me, I grieved.

For the voices that were silenced. For the lives that were lost. For the hopes that died. I grieved.

Para akong nabibingi dahil wala akong ibang naririnig kung hindi ang takot na boses ng mga pasyente. Some were even having their episodes . . . some were hungry . . . some were just crying.

"M-Mill . . ." nanghihinang tawag ko sa kaibigan.

"P-Please, Mari. Calm down, please. Tumawag na ako ng ambulansya . . . help will be here soo—"

Umiling ako. "T-The 35th anniversary of that fucking firm will be in two weeks."

Paos na paos ako. I knew I shouted so loudly.

"Magpahinga ka na muna. Sige na, please . . ."

I reached for her hand and squeezed it tightly. I couldn't wait until then. Baka mahuli kami ni Psyche. All the evidence was at hand already. Kailangan naming kumilos agad.

I couldn't submit these to the police . . . so I needed to turn to the one I knew I could trust.

"I'll give you an exclusive story to cover," I whispered weakly. "Make it trending. Make it the top search. Make it the talk of the town."

Muling bumagsak ang luha ko.

"Mill . . . make my parents realize that I am not just Amari."

Those were my last words until I passed out . . . unaware of another nightmare that was waiting for me.