Chapter 43

Matinding pag-aaral at pagbabasa ang ginawa ko. I looked into new drug developments and wrote down any research that might be of interest to Percy.

Pinigilan kong pagnilayan ang nangyayari sa loob ng laboratory . . . sa uppermost floor ng Mendoza Research Institute. I couldn't believe that behind its good reputation were rotten methods of how experiments were done.

"These are the records of the new patients." Inilapag ni Psyche sa harap ko ang may kakapalang folder. "I can't understand how serious their cases are, but I think it's those with schizophrenia again."

I breathed deeply as I flipped through the pages of the psychological reports. Sinabihan ko siyang kunin ang mga iyon sa cabinet ni Percy, at mabilis naman siyang nakakilos. Wala rin naman kasing kaalam-alam ang lalaki na may duplicate keys si Psyche.

"Gustong-gusto ni Percy maka-develop ng bagong antipsychotic drug na makakatalo sa Clozapine," maya-maya'y saad ko.

"Clozapine?"

Tumango ako. "It's an antipsychotic drug for those who have schizophrenia na hindi nagre-respond sa ibang treatments. Highest-rated 'yon kahit na hindi maganda ang history, at first year college palang kami, narinig ko na kay Ms. Lubrica na sinusubukang talunin 'yon ni Percy. It's been a decade, and it looks like he doesn't have any improvements yet."

Pinagpatuloy ko ang pagbabasa. Psyche was just beside me, highlighting all the "drops" in the documents.

"Si Mr. Bargola . . . he has a severe case. Look at this."

Iniabot ko sa kanya ang report ng pasyente na nakausap ko ang anak.

"Auditory, visual, and tactile hallucinations. Ibig sabihin, may mga naririnig, nakikita, at nararamdaman siya na hindi nag-e-exist para sa 'tin. Persecutory delusions. Nasa isip niya, may mananakit sa kanya. Grandiose delusions. Pakiramdam niya, superior siya sa lahat."

"Abnormal psychomotor behavior?" basa ni Psyche sa papel.

Muli akong tumango. "Nothing was specified, but people with psychomotor problems can be messy. May mga strange habits sila at kadalasan sa behavior nila, repetitive. Their actions deviate from others. Tapos 'yang disorganized speech, incoherence, ibig sabihin, walang pagkakatugma o koneksyon manlang 'yong sinasabi nila. In other words, they don't make sense."

Bahagyang natahimik si Psyche bago siya nagpakawala ng buntong-hininga.

"Naging . . . drop siya?"

I pursed my lips, slowly feeling the heaviness in my chest.

"Oo . . . at kadalasan sa mga pasyente ay kagaya niya. Those were symptoms of schizophrenia. Kaya kung sakali mang ginagamit sila sa experiment, puwedeng hindi nila ma-distinguish agad 'yon. Their psychotic symptoms made them lose touch with reality. Perfect subjects . . . kasi hindi makakapagreklamo."

"Oh my god . . ." Her voice trembled.

"We need to save these patients, Psyche," I told her. "Pagkatapos no'n, kakailanganin nilang dumaan sa trauma counseling o mas focused na treatment. The experiment will be conducted after the 35th anniversary of the firm, right?"

She nodded, her face tense.

"We need to be done with everything by then."

I reached for her hand and gently squeezed it, hoping she'd calm down a little.

"You're scared?"

Her lips quivered. "Y-Yeah . . ."

Umiling ako. "Think about how those asshats do things without fear. You can't face them trembling. Remember . . . wala kang alam."

"T-There are victims. Many . . . many victims."

"Yes, and there will be more if we don't expose them." Muli kong pinisil ang kamay niya. "We were their first victims, Psyche . . . and we need them to realize that they messed up with the wrong women."

She gulped as she nodded. "Ano'ng gagawin natin?"

I told her the plan that was going on in my head. She was giving suggestions that we both took into account. Malaking bagay ang tiwalang ibinigay sa kanya ni Percy. Magagamit namin 'yon para malayang makagalaw sa loob ng firm.

"Percy trusts me not only because I was a good secretary, but also because I caused a rift in my father and Valeen's relationship."

That was her answer when I asked her about that. It made sense to me. Percy was in love with Valeen to the extent that he listened to her when she ordered him to abandon me in an orphanage. Ang pagsilang kay Psyche ang nagmarka ng hindi magandang relasyon ni Valeen sa asawa niya.

Hindi muna ako gumawa ng kahit anong ingay sa sumunod na dalawang araw. Nagpanggap akong ulirang cleaner kahit na parang sasabog ang puso ko sa takot sa bawat segundong lumilipas.

The patients' lives were in danger, and their families needed to know what was going on. Hindi ako puwedeng dumiretso sa awtoridad dahil sigurado akong mababasura lang ang impormasyon doon.

May mga contact information ng pamilya ng mga bagong pasyente sa report. Kaya naman, gamit ang spare phone ni Psyche, hindi kami nag-atubiling padalhan sila ng mensahe.

We introduced ourselves as psychiatrists at the mental hospital and encouraged them to visit their loved ones, emphasizing the importance of seeing them face to face. Inilagay rin namin sa mensahe na huwag silang papayag na hindi makita ang kapamilya o kaibigan dahil karapatan nila iyon.

The total number of new patients was 150 . . . making up for those drops that didn't survive the recent study. Naniniwala akong hindi sila sabay-sabay na kinuha sa mental hospital dahil malaking gulo iyon kapag nagkataon. They did it gradually, probably sneaking out 2-5 patients every week. Nakaplano. Kahit bago pa nagawa ang recent study, may balak na talaga silang magpasok pa ng maraming pasyente.

"Ano'ng ginagawa mo d'yan?"

Naestatwa ako nang marinig ang boses ng head cleaner sa likuran ko. I was at the cleaner's quarters, planting a bug in her cleaning materials. Siya lang ang nakakapunta sa laboratory, at kailangan kong malaman kung ano ang nangyayari doon.

I cleared my throat as I stood up. I already put the bug at the bottom of her cart.

"Pasensya na po . . . naghahanap po ako ng basahan. Medyo manipis na kasi 'yong akin," pagpapalusot ko nang humarap ako sa kanya.

"Walang basahan d'yan sa cart ko. Ayan at nasa mga estante," sagot niya sabay turo sa mga lalagyan.

Sinundan ko ng tingin ang itinuro niya at umaktong nagulat sa nakita.

"Hindi ko po napansin. Madilim kasi," pagdadahilan ko pa. "Hindi ko rin po alam na cart n'yo 'yan. Malaki po kasi kumpara sa mga cart na ginagamit namin. Akala ko storage talaga siya . . ."

My heart was racing, but I made sure that it didn't show on my face. Ayokong mahalata niya na may inilagay ako sa ilalim ng cart niya. Kung dumating nga agad ang inorder namin ni Psyche na hidden camera ay nailagay ko na rin iyon sa mga gamit niya. Kaya lang, sa isang linggo pa iyon mai-de-deliver, at hindi ako puwedeng tumunganga lang.

Lumapit siya sa estante at kumuha ng bagong basahan doon. She then came over in my direction and gave it to me.

"Bilisan mo na ang paglilinis at tumatakbo ang oras," aniya. "Sa 7th floor ka, 'di ba? Halika na. Sumabay ka na sa 'kin pataas . . ."

I breathed deeply when she went to her cart and started pushing it outside. Ang akin ay iniwan ko sa labas ng silid kaya agad din akong sumunod sa kanya. Dinadaga pa rin ang dibdib ko pero malaking alwan sa akin na hindi niya ako pinaghinalaan.

"Ikaw 'yong mahilig sa scientific discoveries, 'di ba?" tanong niya habang hinihintay naming bumukas ang elevator.

Bahagya pa akong natulala sa tinutukoy niya ngunit nang maalala ang pagtatanong sa kanya tungkol sa magazines ay napatango ako.

"Magaling ang mga scientists at researchers dito sa MRI. Kung hilig mo pala 'yon, dapat nag-aral ka nang mabuti. Hindi 'yong ganitong cleaner ka lang."

I scrunched up my lips, wanting to retaliate. Her point was well taken, but I thought there was no need to insult the cleaners. Sa pagtatrabaho ko rito ay nakita ko kung gaano kasipag ang mga kasamahan namin. Kahit na halos lahat sila ay may edad na, nagtatrabaho pa rin sila. I was still against the working hours though. Hindi dapat sila graveyard shift.

Hindi na ako sumagot dahil hindi ko rin naman alam ang dapat sabihin. Isa pa, gusto kong mag-ingat. The less I talk, the fewer mistakes I make. Hindi ko pa naman gusto ang tabig ng dila ko minsan. Mahirap na, baka maprangka ko siya.

I watched until the elevator's floor number was altered to indicate our location. Nang tumunog iyon ay tumayo ako nang maayos para maghanda nang pumasok.

Ganoon na lang ang gulat ko nang makita sina Percy, Valeen, at Psyche sa loob nito. The latter gave me a knowing look, but I bowed my head immediately to greet them. I could feel my heart racing again, but this time, it wasn't from fear, but from rage.

Natural na reaksyon iyon ng puso ko kapag naiisip ko sina Percy at Valeen. I couldn't feel the desire to be with them anymore because all I could feel was anger.

I clenched my fist, realizing that their blood was living within me. Kuhang-kuha ko ang hugis at kulay ng mga mata ni Percy. Deep-set and brown. I could remember being so amazed at that when we first met. Kahit ang hulma ng ilong ko ay alam kong sa kanya galing. Ang buhok at kutis ko naman ay nakuha ko kay Valeen. With loose curls and skin slightly lighter than tan, it was impossible to deny that I was hers.

"Good evening po," halos magkasabay na bati namin ng head cleaner.

"Good evening," pormal na tugon ni Percy.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit nagulat pa ako gayong nasabi naman sa akin ni Psyche na mag-s-stay ang mga ito sa firm dahil sa ginagawang mga bagong pag-aaral.

Lumabas ang tatlo sa elevator, ang mga mata ni Percy ay nakatutok sa akin. Gumilid lang kami ng head cleaner para makadaan sila.

"Umuna ka na, Matilda. I still need to talk to Mari."

Lalong dinaga ang dibdib ko sa narinig. I acted as if I was surprised, widening my eyes and parting my lips.

"A-Ako po?" saad ko sabay turo sa sarili.

"Yes, doc," sagot naman ng head cleaner.

Wala nang ibang salita pang sumakay ang head cleaner sa elevator at iniwan kami roon. I could feel Valeen's intense glare on me, but my eyes were fixed on Percy. At their back was Psyche.

"Follow me," Percy said as he started walking.

Tahimik kaming sumunod sa kanya. He was walking with Valeen while I was walking with Psyche. We were both quiet, but I could tell our hearts were beating with rage and terror.

Naupo kami sa lobby. I maintained my show of being a submissive cleaner who would do anything to please them. My head was down, and my hands were clasped.

"A-Ano pong nagawa ko?" I made sure that my voice was trembling.

I was facing my demons now . . . there was no turning back.

Narinig ko ang malalim na buntong-hininga. Nang mag-angat ako ng tingin ay nakita kong si Valeen iyon. She gave me a disgusted look as she scanned me from head to toe. Napagtanto ko agad na ito ang unang beses na nakita ko siya simula noong nagkasagutan kami ilang taon na ang nakalipas. Her, being mad at me, was only reasonable.

"You're a psychologist, right?" biglang tanong ni Percy.

Right there and then, I realized that Psyche had already convinced him to give my ideas a shot.

Unti-unti akong tumango. "Yes po . . ."

Umayos siya ng upo at pinakatitigan ako. "What are your thoughts about handling people with schizophrenia?"

Bumaling ako ng tingin kay Valeen na mukhang tamad na tamad sa akin. I didn't even know why she was there. Mukha namang si Percy lang ang makakausap ko.

I breathed deeply. Time to impress them, Amari.

"Schizophrenia was mostly treated by psychiatrists. Pang-support lang po usually ang psychologists. However, every person with a mental disorder deserves a personalized treatment plan," saad ko. "Hindi naman kasi porke't gumana sa isa ay gagana na rin sa isa. Intervention programs that include both therapy and medication should be tailored to each individual's symptoms and medical condition."

Tumango si Percy. "Of course."

"However, the most recommended therapy for schizophrenia is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It seeks to teach people how to recognize the ways of thinking that lead to their undesirable emotions and behavior and how to replace those ways of thinking with more productive ones," I added. For example, CBT can help you recognize delusional thinking patterns. You can then get help on how to deal with these delusions. Para kung mangyayari ulit, malalaman mo kung paano mo sila maha-handle."

"As a psychologist, you don't use medications, right?" tanong ni Percy.

"Yes. Hindi po kami medical doctors," I replied. "But right now, the most effective antipsychotic drug for treatment-resistant individuals is clozapine."

Nagsalubong ang kilay niya. "I know . . . and it has to change."

Pinigilan ko ang mapangisi.

"The firm has been working on a more advanced and effective antipsychotic medicine for schizophrenia that has fewer to no side effects," pagpapatuloy niya.

"That's good po . . ." I said.

Umiling siya. "We need new sets of young researchers. The ones with passion. Kadalasan sa researchers namin ay matatanda na. They're working and studying so hard that their dedication has already died. No one is giving me new ideas, and most of what they suggest is garbage."

"Hindi mo na kailangang sabihin 'yan sa kanya, Percy. It was such a private infor—"

"Shut up, Valeen," Percy cut her off. "Tama si Psyche. We need to let go of our old researchers if we want to develop something that will improve our standing in the industry. We've been working on this for a decade, and if we don't come up with something soon . . . you know what will happen."

Hindi ko alam kung tanga ba sila o ano, pero ang mga ganitong pag-uusap ay hindi dapat ipinaririnig kahit kanino. They must think that Psyche and I were both harmless because we weren't as powerful as them.

"At ano? Tatanggapin mo 'yang babaeng 'yan?" bulaslas ni Valeen.

I bowed my head so that they wouldn't see the sarcasm in my face. They were so gullible . . . mukhang matalino lang sila sa papel.

Percy was stressed out. I could see that. Hindi naman katagalan noong huli ko siyang nakita pero kapansin-pansin ang pagpayat niya. He didn't even bother shaving his unsightly stubble or brushing his hair. Kung hindi lang branded ang mga suot niya ay mapagkakamalan siyang hindi naliligo.

And it was a good time for us to attack. Their defenses were down . . . and our acting was convincing. Hanggang ngayon ay nagtataka pa rin ako kung paano niya naisip na totoong pinagsisisihan ko ang pagsagot sa kanila noon.

"Psyche, what do you suggest?" Percy said instead of answering Valeen.

The old woman grunted. "Bakit ba si Psyche ang pinakikinggan mo? She's just your secretary!"

"She helped me out more than you do, Valeen! So, if you don't want me to lose respect for you, let's not argue in front of them."

I looked across at Psyche, who had a slight grin on her face. She did a great job of brainwashing Percy. Parte iyon ng plano namin . . . pero hindi ko inaasahang mapag-aaway niya ang dalawa.

"Sir, I still think it's worth seeing if Mari can spark some new ideas for you. . ." saad ni Psyche matapos ang mahabang katahimikan. "Let her make a proposal, just like she did the last time. Mas mabuti po kasi kung ang researchers na kukunin natin ay galing din sa loob. Trusted na . . . and who knows? We might not need new sets of researchers if Mari has all the knowledge."

Muli akong umaktong nagulat sa nalaman.

"E-Excuse me?"

Bumaling sa akin si Psyche. "We are considering letting you take a spot on the research team, Mari."

Pinalaki ko ang mga mata ko at pinag-awang ang labi. "Pero . . . cleaner lang ako. Sure, I'm still studying, but . . . MRI is such a huge research firm."

"Tatanggapin mo ba o hindi?" pagsusungit pa niya.

It took me a lot of courage to show happiness and excitement on my face.

"T-Tatanggapin ko! It's an honor!" bulaslas ko.

"The last time we talked, you didn't like working for us," singit ni Valeen. "What's with the sudden change of mind?"

Muli akong yumuko para ipakita sa kanya ang pagpapakumbaba ko. I was getting tired of acting submissive to them, but I knew it was the only choice I had.

"Sinabi ko na po kay Mr. Mendoza . . ." I whispered. "Nagsisisi po ako sa ginawa ko noon, at kung bibigyan lang ako ng pagkakataon na mabago ang lahat ay hindi ko po kayo para pagsalitaan nang ganoon."

Huminga ako nang malalim.

"Valeen, she's paying off her debts. I have Psyche look into it, and she said that Mari has been diligent about paying her bills . . . kahit pa mas malaki naman ang kita niya sa VDMH," saad ni Percy. "Now is not the time for pride to get in the way."

Tumango ako. "Naging . . . malaking aral po sa akin ang pagiging cleaner dito, Mr. Mendoza. I learned how to value my money."

"I don't really care . . ." He scoffed. "Prepare your proposal. I'll hear it next week."

Naputol doon ang usapan namin. It was good enough for me. We were making progress. Percy was hopeless and desperate. The combination of those two emotions made him lose his logic. Malaking tulong ang labis na pagtitiwala niya kay Psyche . . . and the latter was doing a good job manipulating him.

That same day, I managed to get the bug under the cart of the head cleaner. Hindi ko agad pinakinggan iyon dahil alam kong mas kailangan kong mag-focus sa paggawa ng proposal. Mabuti nga at mabilis kong nakuha iyon nang walang nakakahalata. I got it while the head cleaner was busy checking the floors.

Sinabihan ako ni Psyche na huwag nang pumasok hanggang sa araw ng pagpepresent ko ng proposal. It was beneficial to me since it allowed me to concentrate.

In the following days, I made the library my home. Gigising ako ng alas sais ng umaga, kakain, maliligo, at didiretso na sa lugar. I would leave only when it was already time for dinner. Ni hindi ko na inisip ang pagkain ng tanghalian. I became as focused as I could be, keeping in mind the patients that needed to get out of the firm.

From: Psyche

Our plan worked. May mga bumisitang family members sa hospital. Everyone was stressed out, especially Percy. Ibinalik muna ang ilang pasyente dahil nag-demand ang visitors na makita sila face-to-face. Hindi ko alam kung kailan sila ibabalik, pero gaya ng utos mo, nakuhanan ko ng litrato at video ang pagta-transfer ng pasyente sa truck. May dashboard camera din ang sasakyan ni Percy at sigurado akong kita roon ang ginagawa nila. I'll email everything to you.

To: Psyche

Good job, Psyche. That was more than enough proof. Mag-iingat ka. Make sure not to get caught.

From: Psyche

Sooner or later, they'll find out that someone has been leaking information. Hindi malabong malaman nila na may nag-text sa mga family members na 'yon. Kinakabahan ako sa 'yo, Mari. Do you really need to help the research team? We have proof already. Hindi pa ba sapat 'to?

To: Psyche

Baka malusutan nila 'yan. We need stronger proof that the patients were being used as guinea pigs. 'Wag kang mag-alala sa 'kin. I'm doing the proposal and giving it my all. Now is the perfect time to attack, Psyche. Habang namomroblema sila.

From: Psyche

I've been brainwashing Percy to despise Valeen to the core, just like our plan. It worked because Valeen has been traveling and hasn't been able to help him. Naririnig ko silang nagtatalo. Valeen doesn't want you on the team, but Percy has lost his mind and wants so badly to put you out there.

To: Psyche

Kaya kailangan ko pang paghusayan. I can't lose his approval.

From: Psyche

You will be their greatest downfall, Mari. I can't wait to see that.

To: Psyche

We will, Psyche. You're doing a good job, too. The younger you will be so proud.

From: Psyche

Thank you. Let's put those fuckheads behind bars.

I wouldn't lie. Part of me was afraid of the outcome because it could have cost us our lives, but what else do we have to lose? Hindi na lang ito tungkol sa pagmamahal ko kay Leon. Hindi na lang ito tungkol sa illegal drugs. It was my aim at first, but we managed to uncover something bigger . . . and more wicked.

This was my quest for justice, not only as an abandoned daughter but also as a mental health professional.

Nagpatuloy ako sa pag-aaral ngunit parang lahat ng ideyang nakikita ko ay nagawa na ng firm. Percy was expecting fresher ideas from me, so I needed to give him just that. Halos mabaligtad ko na ang library pero nahihirapan pa rin akong gumawa ng interesting na proposal. If I didn't amuse Percy, I might end in a muddle.

Well, that was the case until help came . . . the help from the person who had always been there for me.

"Can I sit here?"

It was Saturday, and after saying that he would prioritize himself, I didn't expect to see him again . . . at least, not this early.

Tumingin ako sa paligid at napansing marami pang bakanteng mesa. Puwedeng doon siya umupo, pero ayokong sabihin iyon sa kanya dahil alam kong alam niya naman na 'yon.

I looked down at my laptop and nodded gently. Agad naman siyang umupo sa tapat ko at inayos din ang gamit niya.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat maramdaman. I'd been so preoccupied with my parents' case that I'd somehow forgotten about him. Pero ngayon namang nandito siya at malapit sa akin ay hindi ko maiwasang hindi maging . . . masaya. It was always like that. Parang alam niya kung kailan dapat pumasok sa eksena. Parang alam niya kung kailan ko siya kailangan.

"Kumusta ang pakiramdam mo?" marahang tanong niya.

Hindi ako nag-angat ng tingin. I just kept my eyes on the screen of my laptop, but I could see him in the background, staring at me.

"Maayos na," mahinang sagot ko.

Tumikhim siya. "Iniinom mo ang gamot mo?"

"Oo." Tumango ako. "Saka . . . 'yong tea."

Hindi ako direktang nakatingin sa kanya pero nakita ko ang pagyuko niya. He smiled a little as he did this, and it warmed my heart to know that someone was watching out for me . . . and that nothing had changed — it was still him.

Naalala ko tuloy ang rosemary tea na ginawa niya noon sa akin sa Davao. Sinabi pa niyang nakuha niya iyon sa mga lokal. He woke up early so he could give me tea to help me perform better in the quiz bee, knowing that I was competing against him. At kahit gusto niya ako ay hindi niya iyon inamin sa akin dahil ayaw niyang magduda ako sa sarili kong kakayanan.

He knew that my self-esteem was low at the time, so he didn't rush to tell me how he felt.

He took his time. Minahal niya ako nang dahan-dahan . . . nang puno ng lambing at walang pagmamadali. He freed my fragile parts from the stone shackles that had imprisoned them. He walked right with my sorrow and filled the empty places in my soul.

"You're studying schizophrenia?" tanong ulit niya matapos ang mahabang katahimikan.

Tumango ako at hinayaan siyang kunin ang notes ko.

"Drug development . . ." basa niya. "This isn't your expertise. Para saan?"

I took a deep breath and came up with a lie.

"Wala lang . . . curious lang."

Marahan siyang napatawa. "You'll never get tired of discovering new things, will you?"

"D'yan lang naman 'yong masasabi kong magaling ako," I answered back. "Other than studying . . . I have nothing to offer."

"To what end are we striving so hard?" He shook his head. "Being mediocre is not a bad thing, Amari. Awards and recognitions aren't something we always need to chase. Yes, changes are needed, but sometimes, it's okay to not do your best. It's okay to slack off and just rest."

Umiling din ako bago direktang tiningnan siya.

"That's easy for you to say because you excel at everything, Leon. Madali sa 'yong makuha lahat ng bagay na gusto mo."

Inayos niya ang salamin bago ibinaba ang tingin sa notepad ko.

He chuckled lowly. "I hope that's true."

Hindi na ako sumagot. We stayed like that for two hours straight. I kept looking and putting studies together in the hopes of coming up with something new. Tanging ang pagtama lang ng daliri namin sa keyboard ng laptop namin ang maririnig. Sometimes, I would see him glancing at me, but I didn't bother looking at him again. Madi-distract lang ako.

"There's no cure for schizophrenia," biglang saad niya, dahilan para mapatigil ako sa pagtitipa sa laptop ko. "The side effects of the current medicines are so bad that most patients stop taking them."

"I know," I replied. "That's why I'm studying drug developments that have positive results but have fewer to no side effects than the ones we already have."

Tumango-tango siya. "Instead of medicine, why not brain scans?"

Kumunot ang noo ko. "What do you mean?"

"Most doctors and general practitioners give antipsychotic and serotonin reuptake inhibitor medicines without doing any kind of neuroimaging. Hanggang ngayon, wala pa ring brain scan na makakapag-determine kung may schizophrenia ang isang tao. It will be a huge undertaking, kahit pa may fMRI naman. fMRI alone is not enough for diagnosis."

"I'm looking for a cure, not an easy diagnosis, Leon."

Umiling siya. "Then, it will take you forever, Amari. This problem does not have a single solution. Lahat ng case ng schizophrenia ay magkakaiba. Instead of trying to find a cure, try to find a way to recognize it easily. I know you already know this, but early diagnosis is helpful in the field. Mas mabilis malalaman ng host kung paano ma-manage ang symptoms niya."

"But relying on a device alone can lead to misdiagnosis," sagot ko. "Paano tayo makakasiguradong schizophrenia ang sakit ng isang tao kung ang resulta lang ng brain scan ang titingnan natin? We still need to conduct a series of therapies, tests, and analysis."

"Gaya lang din 'yan ng drug development. Gaano tayo kasigurado na ang effective na gamot sa isang pasyente ay effective din sa isa? Mahirap pa 'to kasi in-intake. The body will react to the medicine, and who knows if it will be a good thing or not?"

"Kaya nga may clinical trials, Leon."

He nodded. "You've answered your own question."

I squinted. "Huh?"

"Paano tayo makakasiguradong schizophrenia ang sakit ng isang tao kung ang resulta lang ng brain scan ang titingnan natin?" he stated. "Trials. Hindi naman isasabak agad ang device. It will undergo a series of tests. "

Para kaming nagdedebate sa ginagawa namin. I understood his point, and I was considering it as a viable option. Since the brain scans would be done outside the body, no patients would be affected by the medicine.

"Natahimik ka," he commented.

"I'm . . . thinking."

"If not a device, since fMRI is already a good one, you can use advanced methods, Amari," dagdag niya pa.

I nodded. "Yeah . . . we can include a system that will tell medical professionals whether or not the present treatments are effective. Para kung hindi, magkaroon agad ng ibang treatment plan."

Bahagya siyang natahimik bago unti-unting sumulyap ang maliit na ngiti sa labi niya.

"Smart," he said.

Lumabi ako. "Smarter than you?"

He chuckled as he dropped his eyes on the screen of his laptop.

Nagsalubong ang kilay ko. "Hey, I'm asking you."

Hindi nawala ang ngiti sa labi niya. "Oo na."

"Ba't parang napipilitan ka?"

"You still see me as your rival, don't you?"

"I'm joking!"

He fixed the bridge of his glasses and shook his head. Mula sa laptop ay ibinalik niya ang tingin sa akin. He was serious earlier while we were debating, but now, all of a sudden, his face looked like the college Leon who was staring at me after I recited in class, his eyes full of intensity and a touch of . . . admiration.

"If that's the only thing the world has to offer now," he whispered, lowering his gaze to the laptop again. "I can settle with that, Amari."

Everything that happened after that was a blur to me. Alam kong sabay kaming lumabas ng library at inihatid niya pa ako pabalik sa apartment namin. We didn't talk much, but I somehow felt connected to him. We felt like long-lost friends who had accidentally run into one another, but instead of exchanging pleasantries, we quietly basked in the warmth of our mutual company. Parang hindi na namin kailangang magsalita para magkaintindihan.

When the day of the presentation of the proposal came, I didn't expect Percy to actually put me in front of the whole team.

But instead of feeling nervous, the shared discussion I had with Leon fueled the fire within me.

"Most doctors and general practitioners give antipsychotic and serotonin reuptake inhibitor medicines without doing any kind of neuroimaging," saad ko habang inaalala ang sinabi ni Leon sa akin. "To me, this is a major issue, as it would be wise to check for neurotransmitter imbalance before making a diagnosis. However, they rely solely on the patient's report in the diagnosis process rather than conducting any kind of genetic analysis."

"You're not wasting anyone's time here, Mari. Go direct to the point!" iritableng sabi ni Valeen.

I breathed deeply and nodded. "Instead of developing new medications, I think that more time and effort would be better spent upgrading fMRI and applying systematic approaches for the easier diagnosis of schizophrenia."

"We need a cure. Not some mere diagnosing tool," one of the researchers debated.

"Well, schizophrenia does not have a single solution, sir," I replied confidently. "As I've said to Mr. Mendoza before, each treatment plan should be personalized. So, instead of looking for a cure, we should focus on developing reliable diagnostic devices because early diagnosis can minimize symptoms."

I saw a look of approval on Psyche's face.

"Ang sabi n'yo po, maraming taon na ang lumipas sa pag-aaral ng epektibong gamot sa schizophrenia. But even if we make a medicine that works well for a lot of people, we can't be sure that it will work for everyone. Why?" I lifted my chin to assert poise. "Because, again, treatment plans are not one size fits all."

"Relying on a single device can lead to wrong diagnosis," saad pa ng isang researcher, dahilan para mapangiti ako.

The very same debate I had with Leon.

"Of course. Kaya nga aaralin. To determine whether or not schizophrenia is present, we will create new assessment methods. And with these methods, we can now say for sure that a patient's brain activity is linked to their diagnosis. Puwede pa nating i-further ang study na 'to hindi lang sa schizophrenia, kung hindi para din sa ibang mental health disorders."

"That's a good suggestion, but that's not what we're looking for," Valeen said.

"Well, ma'am, what we're looking for will take us nowhere," I uttered frankly. "We're looking so hard in a specific direction that we're missing out on the chance to make something that will get us to the same place. Early diagnosis means that symptoms can be lessened, and lessened symptoms make life easier for people who really suffer."

Ibinaba ni Mr. Mendoza ang folder kung saan nakalagay ang proposal ko. Bahagyang dinaga ang dibdib ko dahil kanina pa siya tahimik.

"How do you plan to execute this?"

I kept my blank face. "It's in the proposal, sir."

Tumango siya at inisa-isang tingnan ang mga researcher.

"What do you think?" tanong niya sa mga ito.

Umiling ang isa. "A brain scan isn't a cure."

Huminga ako nang malalim nang marinig ang pagsang-ayon ng iba. There was a discourse, and I just stood there, waiting for my judgment.

Tumingin ako kay Psyche na ngayon ay mukhang kinakabahan din sa resulta ng proposal ko. Only the researchers could enter the laboratory, and if I failed, I wouldn't have the chance to collect evidences.

And so, with that in mind, I spoke again.

"We were so driven by seeing outcomes that we often neglected improving our processes."

Nagtiningan sila sa akin, may kaunting bulungan pa rin.

"Sure, a brain scan isn't a cure, but in all your years of studying, have you developed one?" I asked in a monotone, not minding if they found me disrespectful. "The only choice we have now is to reduce the symptoms and determine whether the treatments are effective or not. Hindi gamot lang ang sagot sa mga mental disorders, and I'm saying this as a licensed psychologist myself."

I made sure to emphasize every word I said.

"It is my duty to devise treatment programs for patients, and I can tell you right now that every medicine you were dying to develop is not effective for everyone. Hindi lagnat ang mental disorder na kayang pagalingin ng paracetamol. Hindi ubo o sipon na mawawala rin paglipas ng ilang linggo. Hindi sugat na kayang pahidan ng antibiotic," mas madiing saad ko. "Mental disorders should be treated with both medications and therapies, and trying to treat them with a mere drug is a piece of crap."

Tuluyan silang natahimik.

"Instead of waiting for nothing, the least you can do is to assure these people that they can live a normal life despite having such conditions."

I stood there, thinking about the patients who lost their lives in their hands.

"The only time we can say that we have completed our job is not when we have invented a new medication or medical gadget." I shook my head. "It's when we have succeeded in instilling a sense of hope in the hearts of those who are depending on us."

Naghari ang katahimikan sa buong conference room. My insides were trembling, but this time, it wasn't because I feared rejection, but because I wanted so badly for these people to pay for the drops they wasted.

Tumayo si Percy at sa muling pagkakataon, gaya ng ibinigay niya sa akin nang manalo ako sa quiz bee noon . . . ngumiti siya.

But unlike before that it made my day, right now, all I wanted was to wipe it off his lips because he didn't deserve to have that smile after every crime he committed.

"Let's move forward with that. Amari put all the ways to carry out the plan in the proposal. No one should complain, because I think she's already made her point," he announced as he glanced at me. "Good job, Amari. Meeting adjourned."

I smiled victoriously to myself.

Someone has made a mistake again.